This is long, and I'm very stressed out, so please bear with me. I am an only child, and my mother and I haven't been able to get along since I was about 12 years old. I'm 64 now. So much so, that I moved away from my home town when I was 19 and haven't lived here since. I just recently divorced and in July I moved back home, and I have moved into a rental house my mother owns just across the street from where she lives. She has given me a reduced rental rate.
Ok, here is the current problem. My mother is suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. She becomes confused, frustrated, she is very forgetful, very angry, no memory to speak of. She has always been a mean, hateful, revengeful, vindictive, controlling, and bossy person; especially to me. I get the full bore of her. My mother has no business driving whatsoever !!!! She is going to kill herself or someone else !!!! This being able to drive thing is a very big deal to her. Her husband (not my father) is totally blind, and he doesn't help the issue because I'm sure he wants her to continue to drive as she is also his taxi.
I have become sooooo concerned about her driving that I attempted several times to talk to her about this to no avail. She becomes soooooo angry and mean to me that it is useless talking to her about this. So I wrote a letter to our state DMV office complaining about this. I spoke with my daughter before I wrote the letter asking her if I could sign her name to this letter, as the ramifications would be less if I didn't sign my name to this letter. She received this letter abour 1-1/2 weeks ago, and saying "something" hit the fan is an extreme understatement. The letter told her she needed to take a physical driving test, a written test and a vision test at her local DMV, she also has to go see a dr, and get a physical report from her dr, and she must go to a vision center and have her eyes examined and submit this report to the DMV as well by October 28th. If she fails any of these tests or doesn't comply she will lose her driving privleges. My mother has accused me of either writing the letter and signing it OR writing the letter and having someone else sign it. She went so far as to (only in this small town) drive herself down to the police station and she talked them into calling the DMV and asking them who signed the letter. She couldn't do that as she can't see the buttons well enough on the phone to call herself. So the DMV did tell the police that my daughter signed this letter. My mother went ballistic. I have denied everything so far. Now, I find out that she has written a letter to the DMV requesting they send her a copy of the letter thart was written to them because she thinks she can recognize my handwriting. When I found that out from a support person who talks to my mother and step dad I just about lost it. I went into a complete meltdown because I knew then that I was busted and she would never forgive me for this. See my mother wouldn't see that I did this out of love and concern for her, oh no, she would see it as I was causing massive problems for her. So, while sobbing I called the DMV office and asked if there was any way they could not send her a copy of the letter I sent and I was told no, they would have to send it to her. I was then told that I could email them a note saying I was withdrawing the request for her to be re-evaluated, they then would shred any and all paperwork pertaining to her case. They would then send her a letter stating that the person who basically turned her in had withdrew their request. I told them to do this. My mother is sooooooooo angry at me that she INDEED may disown/disinherit me. The person I lean on for support who knows my mother well has stated that yes, this indeed may happen. My mom will never know who wrote this letter to the DMV, but she will have her suspisions. What/where do I go from here. Honestly I don't ever want to go to her home again. I know I should't feel this way. How do I deal with her accusations, her anger, her hate, her revenge. She could honestly attempt to have me evicted as well. If she disowns me, and I can find out by going to the courthouse and looking at the public records, do I move away, never to step foot here again, or speak to her again. This is soooooo difficult for me. I love my mother, but the love I feel for her comes from the memories I have as a very young girl. I had the best young childhood up until I was abourt 12, then everything went down the toilet and since then we don't get along at all. What do I do from here? I'm told that this will only get worse, how do people handle these kinds of issues. She told me she doesn't want my help, and all I'm trying to do is take over her life. I AM NOT trying to take over her life. I just thought by being here, close by I could help her, but apparently she doesn't want my help. WHAT DO I DO ??? Thanks for reading !
Stand up to this woman. She is a danger to anyone on the road. You can afford to live on your own. Start saving for a down payment. Therapy will really help you deal with your Mother's rage, accusations and revenge. Get professional help, and stop living in fear.
You need to find another home to rent. Maybe an apartment or senior housing so you can afford it. Then get that woman off the road. It is obvious that with her health and dementia, you have become the parent and she has become the child. Now be the parent she needs. Every parent makes decisions their children hate them for. Look at it that way. You have to love her enough to let her hate you, if that's what it takes to protect her and others. Stand up for yourself. You are an adult now. You mentioned twice about being 12. You're 64 now. You can do this. Get going. Let us know how it goes.
I remember reading on this website that whenever you take something away from an aging parent/spouse you need to substitute something else. When my Dad stopped driving I became his *wheels* and that's been 6 years now, wish I had set boundaries back then as to how much driving I would do because now I hate to drive. I am trying to set those boundaries now, but I get faced with guilt.
As for your Mom's current condition and how she acts, welcome to the world of elder memory loss. It is only going to get worse. If possible give your Mom 30 or 60 days notice and look for another place to live... you wouldn't want a landlord who has dementia/Alzheimer's, too many strange things could happen You are too close for comfort.
Your "support person" is right. Call her daily. Ask if she's okay and wait for her to come to you. Once a week, bring over a coffee cake, sit and visit. Ask if she'd like you to run any errands.
Hopefully, the DMV has more sense than you do and didn't really retract their requirements. Jesus. I see dead people.
I agree with your support person, call your Mom daily and ask how she is, but don't get into any conversations that would turn to conflicts.
Now I can understand why your Mom is so upset if she feels she wouldn't be able to drive, her husband is blind. That would be major independence being taken away from both of them, they need to start figuring out Plan B.
Apologize. Tell her you're NOT sorry you did it, but you're sorry it hurt her. Give her some alternatives for wheels. I'm assuming you know how to drive and have a license. Get insured on her car and become their wheels.
1. Financially dependent on someone whom you happen to be in a terribly dysfunctional relationship with
2. Feelings of some sort of personal obligation for your mother's welfare
3. Mistakenly thinking that combining your need for financial assistance, with her need for more oversight, will be a win-win situation.
Obviously, now, it's anything but.
My advice would be to chalk this all up to one very painful learning experience. Now, you need to get on your feet financially, and move AWAY.
As far as continuing oversight of your mother's care, it's best that this be done from a distance. If you know who her primary doctor is, you can communicate with him/her (although you may not be able to receive confidential information about your mother).
Maybe in small communities, things that like happen with the DMV and the police --but I'm flabbergasted to hear about it.
I'd also recommend getting some therapy. It really helps. Good luck.
You have two choices, you continue on and make excuses why things can't change, or you start making changes for yourself.
You can't work. Are you on disability? If not, why not? If so, contact your caseworker. See what help you might be eligible for in housing and transportation. You'll have to do this over again when you move, but you have another six months to get through where you are.
Do you have a friend back home who might be able to put you up for a month or so, while you get back on your feet? Could your daughter possibly loan you moving money? (PAY HER BACK!) I'm just trying to think of ways to shorten that waiting time.
As for mother disowning you ... so what? She did that emotionally many years ago. It sounds like she has property and assets now, but with a blind husband and her own health issues, they will very likely go though their money rapidly. There may not be anything left for anyone to inherit.
Take care of yourself. And let us know how this works out.
If your major concern is ONLY that she will disinherit you - you need someone with less emotion to help balance and advise you. Ultimately if being 'disinherited' is your primary concern you are off the path to resolving this in an honest and peaceful way. Once you lay it all out to your mom - it is possible if you can not speak to her - to find one of her friends that understands you did it for her and other people's safety. If your mom is not too far gone - with some time - and if you hang in there with love - she may come to see the writing on the wall herself. You can print out articles on this topic of seniors and driving safety from AARP - that way she can see that this is just not your concern or something you have against her. I think people are smart enough - regardless of their disabilities (except true full blown Alzheimer's) to get a sense of whether someone loves them or just loves them for what they have. I am not trying to be judgmental or harsh - just something to think about for your own growth, and to perhaps make peace and find love with your mother that it sounds like you have never had.