How do I handle my aging Mom?

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This is long, and I'm very stressed out, so please bear with me. I am an only child, and my mother and I haven't been able to get along since I was about 12 years old. I'm 64 now. So much so, that I moved away from my home town when I was 19 and haven't lived here since. I just recently divorced and in July I moved back home, and I have moved into a rental house my mother owns just across the street from where she lives. She has given me a reduced rental rate.

Ok, here is the current problem. My mother is suffering from the beginning stages of Alzheimers or Dementia. She becomes confused, frustrated, she is very forgetful, very angry, no memory to speak of. She has always been a mean, hateful, revengeful, vindictive, controlling, and bossy person; especially to me. I get the full bore of her. My mother has no business driving whatsoever !!!! She is going to kill herself or someone else !!!! This being able to drive thing is a very big deal to her. Her husband (not my father) is totally blind, and he doesn't help the issue because I'm sure he wants her to continue to drive as she is also his taxi.

I have become sooooo concerned about her driving that I attempted several times to talk to her about this to no avail. She becomes soooooo angry and mean to me that it is useless talking to her about this. So I wrote a letter to our state DMV office complaining about this. I spoke with my daughter before I wrote the letter asking her if I could sign her name to this letter, as the ramifications would be less if I didn't sign my name to this letter. She received this letter abour 1-1/2 weeks ago, and saying "something" hit the fan is an extreme understatement. The letter told her she needed to take a physical driving test, a written test and a vision test at her local DMV, she also has to go see a dr, and get a physical report from her dr, and she must go to a vision center and have her eyes examined and submit this report to the DMV as well by October 28th. If she fails any of these tests or doesn't comply she will lose her driving privleges. My mother has accused me of either writing the letter and signing it OR writing the letter and having someone else sign it. She went so far as to (only in this small town) drive herself down to the police station and she talked them into calling the DMV and asking them who signed the letter. She couldn't do that as she can't see the buttons well enough on the phone to call herself. So the DMV did tell the police that my daughter signed this letter. My mother went ballistic. I have denied everything so far. Now, I find out that she has written a letter to the DMV requesting they send her a copy of the letter thart was written to them because she thinks she can recognize my handwriting. When I found that out from a support person who talks to my mother and step dad I just about lost it. I went into a complete meltdown because I knew then that I was busted and she would never forgive me for this. See my mother wouldn't see that I did this out of love and concern for her, oh no, she would see it as I was causing massive problems for her. So, while sobbing I called the DMV office and asked if there was any way they could not send her a copy of the letter I sent and I was told no, they would have to send it to her. I was then told that I could email them a note saying I was withdrawing the request for her to be re-evaluated, they then would shred any and all paperwork pertaining to her case. They would then send her a letter stating that the person who basically turned her in had withdrew their request. I told them to do this. My mother is sooooooooo angry at me that she INDEED may disown/disinherit me. The person I lean on for support who knows my mother well has stated that yes, this indeed may happen. My mom will never know who wrote this letter to the DMV, but she will have her suspisions. What/where do I go from here. Honestly I don't ever want to go to her home again. I know I should't feel this way. How do I deal with her accusations, her anger, her hate, her revenge. She could honestly attempt to have me evicted as well. If she disowns me, and I can find out by going to the courthouse and looking at the public records, do I move away, never to step foot here again, or speak to her again. This is soooooo difficult for me. I love my mother, but the love I feel for her comes from the memories I have as a very young girl. I had the best young childhood up until I was abourt 12, then everything went down the toilet and since then we don't get along at all. What do I do from here? I'm told that this will only get worse, how do people handle these kinds of issues. She told me she doesn't want my help, and all I'm trying to do is take over her life. I AM NOT trying to take over her life. I just thought by being here, close by I could help her, but apparently she doesn't want my help. WHAT DO I DO ??? Thanks for reading !

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The mistake you made was being dishonest and bending your principles because of fear. How I got my father to stop driving was to look him in the eye, and tell him I would report a dangerous driver on the road to the police. They would pull his licence. It was hard. It took courage. He was enraged, but it worked. I would rather have his rage than the guilt if he killed a child. Even now he brings up driving blaming me. I look him right in the eye and say the blame is old age and parkinson's, not me. It took enormous courage.

Stand up to this woman. She is a danger to anyone on the road. You can afford to live on your own. Start saving for a down payment. Therapy will really help you deal with your Mother's rage, accusations and revenge. Get professional help, and stop living in fear.
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And before anyone gets all over my case, I simply have no patience for those people in this world who can't do the right thing because it doesn't feel good. The right thing is the right thing is the right thing. Getting this woman (who's too blind to dial the darned phone) off the road should have been done eons ago. To retract that complaint is a travesty.
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She is providing you with housing, and you can provide her with transportation. Your daughter has probably already told her the truth, so there is no getting around it. Own up to the facts and if she throws you out in a snit of rage, you should have seen that one coming. When we sent the letter to DMV, all four of us signed it. Mom could not divide and conquer all 4 children, nor was she willing or able to cut contact 4 of us at once. kathyt1 is right, don't let her kill an innocent bystander.
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Well. You're in a fine mess. Financially dependent on someone you actively dislike. And whom you let control you because you're afraid of being homeless. I suggest that you find a way to make peace with her. Admit you wrote the letter if she can't let it go...that you wrote it out of concern for her welfare...and grow the heck up.

Your "support person" is right. Call her daily. Ask if she's okay and wait for her to come to you. Once a week, bring over a coffee cake, sit and visit. Ask if she'd like you to run any errands.

Hopefully, the DMV has more sense than you do and didn't really retract their requirements. Jesus. I see dead people.
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I have made a decision and I am going to move out of state back to where I was living. I will need to save every dime I can get my hands on, sell some stuff, then in about April I should have enough money to move with. I sincerely do believe my intentions were good in coming here it help my mother, but I now realize that our relationship will never change, she doesn't want ANY help from me at all. The relationship I've had with my mother has been extremely dysfunctional since I was about 12 years old and why on earth I thought that it would be any different now is beyond me. I'm an only child, so one would think that she would WANT to lean on me a bit, but no.
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You probably won't want to read what I'm about to write. If mom is truly a danger on he road, you should have stuck by your guns. Involving your daughter put her in a pickle. I'm sorry you told the DMV to shred the letter.
You need to find another home to rent. Maybe an apartment or senior housing so you can afford it. Then get that woman off the road. It is obvious that with her health and dementia, you have become the parent and she has become the child. Now be the parent she needs. Every parent makes decisions their children hate them for. Look at it that way. You have to love her enough to let her hate you, if that's what it takes to protect her and others. Stand up for yourself. You are an adult now. You mentioned twice about being 12. You're 64 now. You can do this. Get going. Let us know how it goes.
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willieisawestie, as Dr. Phil would say "How's that working for ya?".

You have two choices, you continue on and make excuses why things can't change, or you start making changes for yourself.
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willie, hoping things work out for you. It's a tough situation to accept. Mine was sort of the opposite; I had tried to encourage my mother to move closer to my husband and me. We need to stay put and keep working, but it was feasible for her to move, and I mistakenly thought she might like the idea. Nope, and she made it clear that one of her main reasons (if not the main one) was that she had no interest in becoming closer emotionally. She took our suggestion as a personal insult, and then for the next few months, hammered her point home by telling me stories of the people she knew who HAD decided to move closer to their children -- but of course, these children were EXCEPTIONAL, and VERY SUCCESSFUL people (unlike me). I had been hearing this same message in one form or another since I was about 7 years old, but I heard it loud and clear, once and for all, about a year ago. So, she's staying put, I'm about 3 hours drive away, and it's a huge hassle most of the time. Her dementia is progressing, but you've got to let go of what you have no control over. I've read lots of stories on here from people who have successfully moved their parents closer, or moved closer to them, and they say they regret it. We all have our own situation and our own challenges, but we do our best to make the best decisions we can. So, good luck to you!
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Maggie.........I would never get all over your case in a situation like this. I also have no patience. Your comments are right on!
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willieisawestie, curious why the support person, who you quote frequently, isn't doing anything about your Mom and her driving, since this person is close enough to your Mom to her Executor of her Will.
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