Follow
Share

My mom is 91with dementia. She lived by herself until the Dr. said she needed skilled nursing care which was in May of this year.She was hospitalized for a week and didn't even know where she was.She thinks a man is going to kill her and put her in the river. She was like this before the episode in May.Every where she goes the man is there.I need advice because I'm sure there's others on the site who have dealt with this.Thanks

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

20 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Daisycat: As "handling" dementia is unobtainable, she may require medication.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
My Mom 90 years old same issue, she wants to move or go home. We kindly keep reminding her that "this is the best place to be right now". every once in a while she will ask now, but not as often as she used to. Once we did the old "realtor trick" and took her through a not very nice nursing home dementia care unit in town. She couldn't wait to leave. Tour over! Some medications may work, and you may need to try several before her doctor finds the right one for her. The paranioa is a normal trait of dementia (and the use of foul language at times) Just keep chasing off the man and do a room search before she goes in to make her feel better. Reality doesn't matter- It's how they feel- that's the issue. That's what is real to them. Try maybe to convince her that the man is there to save her from drowning and not around to harm her. Mom thought someone was always stealing her things. Nothing was ever missing. But, she was sure there was a man always outside wanting in to rob her, she didn't feel safe. Just don't let them prescribe Risperdal. Very bad for dementia patients.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mom was like that she’s 86 now but she would just cry all the time and she has dementia. The drs put her on lexapro now she is happy and very ornery. I would ask the dr what kind of meds they can put her on for that
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I’d speak to her doctor about a medication to calm her delusions and anxiety. That would be a gift to her
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Yes, it is sadly the case that dementia patients get paranoia, delusions, irrational fears, and so on. Hard to accept when your mate or parent says such alarming things as "someone came into my room and beat me up" and so forth. The proper medication - we have had very good results with a .5 mg daily dose of Risperdal - can work wonders. And then just ignore or talk around any delusional language. With alcoholics, the saying is, "It's the drink talking." Now we have to tell ourselves, "It's the dementia talking".
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
We’ve run into that too. While in her own home, she was certain people were after her. She is in her 2nd care home and was very content, but now believes I am trying to set her up to be killed or am trying to kill her myself. We have had to resort to a psych drug. The fear is not location based - it is in her head and will go with her. I’d rather my mother was medically calmed than scared.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Please get her a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can evaluate and medicate her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Anabanana avatar
A
Anabanana Aug 27, 2023
Done. She’s been prescribed Seroquel. Hopefully it will be effective or they’ll reassess and try something else.
(0)
Report
Easy one! Find her a new home! Why make her stay in a place she hates and is afraid? Home care is always best where you can control the people who care for her. But, at least look to see what options are available and find her a decent place that is not abusive or neglectful as so many are.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Anabanana avatar
A
Anabanana Aug 27, 2023
Daisycat wrote ‘Every where she goes the man is there.’
(4)
Report
One simple repetative answer may help. "we are working on it and it takes time."
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
H
HisBestFriend Aug 27, 2023
Good one! I was hoping someone would say this! Just smile at her and say "I'm working on it, Momma!" and change the subject. My DH wants to "go home" constantly and I say " We will, just got another chore to do first, okay?" sometimes, I say, " Soon, BigGuy, soon we'll go along!" We're already at home, constantly at home, I like to think to myself he means his heavenly home! I just grin and give him the answer he needs.
(2)
Report
There is really no way to "handle" dementia.
It is lived through, and live with, but never handled.

Simply repeat over and over that this is now her home, and that there are people in her home now who will keep her safe. That you love her. That is all.

It will likely changed nothing about obessions she gets. You might discuss with her MD some trials of low dose anti- depressants which sometimes can help with obessional thinking.

I am so sorry you are going through this and sorry esp. for your Mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
You can say..
You are safe here.
I told them at the desk not to let "the man" in.

I am working on finding you another place but I have not found any as safe as this one.

Keep telling her that she is safe where she is.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Dementia brings these behaviors that you describe and, short term memory loss which means that she will repeat, repeat, repeat ad infinitum .
Limit your visit time. You can try redirection when she starts the " find a new place" to a neutral or positive subject. May or may not work. Read a story or article to her; lotion her hands, go for walk with her to perhaps an outdoor area( if she is able with or without wheelchair), look at a magazine that you bring that may have pictures she will enjoy or prompt conversation etc etc etc. Tell her you love her and will be back soon. Get emotional counseling for yourself and practice good self care.
Try to understand that she doesn't remember the who what where when how whys of her placement due to dementia. Do not add more anxiety to yourself trying to explain it over and over. Be sure that her PCP knows about her " fear" and other behaviors you observe or experience when visiting her; PCP may refer if not already to a Geriatric Psy. that might have assessments that may offer other insight and options to help her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I think I would go that the police had been called that they found the man and he is now in prison in another state. You have to play into heir paranoia.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Daisy, this must be horrible for both of you. I can't imagine living in fear as your mom does.

I would recommend that you ask the staff to help you convince her that the man was caught and arrested, she is safe and doesn't need to worry anymore. He is behind bars and will never be able to get near her or anyone else ever again.

Dementia just sucks, for everyone involved. I pray she accepts his arrest and incarceration and stops feeling unsafe and fearful.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Isthisrealyreal avatar
I
Isthisrealyreal Aug 27, 2023
I want to tell a story, this was done for a 3 year old but, it worked so very well and as we all know, dementia takes people back in age.

Our youngest daughter let her 1st born watch scary movies, cartoons, whatever. She was mom and she was bound and determined to be the boss. Okay. However, this caused our granddaughter to be scared senseless of bathrooms. Yea, I know, we were too.

So, one day at my office, this 3 year old needs to go potty, then has a melt down because she doesn't want to go in the bathroom, there's ghosts in there Nana. Broke my heart! So, I empowered her, instead of punishment, as others were doing, (because potty training was NOT going well) gave her the words to drive the ghosts away. She could often be heard saying them for the next year or so.

I taught her to open the door and say, "123 BOO!" because that scared the ghosts and they left right away. The 1st time I made a big dramatic scene about seeing them flee. You could see the power it gave her to be able to drive them away.

You could try something simple like this, if your mom doesn't buy the arrest and incarceration. Something simple that gives her the power to protect herself and drive her demons away may be the answer.

I pray you find something soon to relieve her fear.
(8)
Report
See 1 more reply
When she brings it up, tell her you've notified everyone to protect her (to help calm her) and then change the topic. Keep changing the topic to something neutral, show her pictures on your phone, anything to distract her. She will keep bringing it up so keep redirecting the conversation.

I agree with others to talk to doc about anxiety meds.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Delusions and psychosis often happen for people with dementia. My husband had similar issues until his neurologist put him on Seroquel (generic: quetiapine) and the problems disappeared. There are many drugs out there with different doses. It will take some time to find the right med and the right strength. Once found, your life will be less hectic.

RE the NH situation, check out if she is right. Some places are nice when the family is visiting, but horrible behind the scenes. I don’t like facilities, so I care for my husband at home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Anabanana avatar
A
Anabanana Aug 27, 2023
My mother has just been prescribed Seroquel to try. The home she’s in is excellent. The fear goes with her, in her head. I hope Seroquel is effective.
(3)
Report
Don't dismiss it entirely. My sister in law put her mother in the cheapest worst neighborhood imaginable. SIL didn't want to dilute her inheritance. The place had VERY seriously disabled "residents."

The sister in law was the designated caregiver, trustee and had all control.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
If you put her in a new facility every week it would be the same thing.

Do you have any issues with the care she's getting in the NH she's in?
If not then leave her there.

Her doctor can prescribe medication to help with anxiety. Other than that there's not a lot that can be done.

Is she a religious woman? If she is then maybe you can have her clergy come by and give her a small cross she can wear or some other symbol of faith that can be a comfort to her.

It sounds to me like she's in a dementia loop. Does she tell other people in the NH about this man trying to kill her or it is only you?
If it's only you, then she may still possess enough cognitive ability to put on a "performance" for you. If such is the case, tell her thats not true and refuse to discuss it further.
If she tells staff members, then she really needs some medication to help her be calm.

Who knows what's going though her fractured mind? She may be remembering a scary person from her childhood or a character in a movie.
Ask for some anti-anxiety medication for her.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
You are certainly not alone. My mom has horrible paranoia and thinks the nurses and patients at the nursing home are stealing from her. I too am at wits end with this. I don't have a solution just yet but it's good to know that it's not just happening to me :}
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Tell her you’re looking for a good place for her. Then drop the subject. She is on a loop, which is common for dementia patients. She won’t remember what you said.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter