How do I get the ball rolling on getting my MIL out of our house and into assisted living?

Tell everyone involved that she needs more care than any of you can give her, because it's true. You work, your husband works, and your FIL clearly isn't able to care for her -- facts, all.

I don't know whether she'd qualify for AL, since she's incontinent, but that's for a facility to decide. Contact APlaceforMom.com, and they'll give you a list of places that will fit her needs. Yes, your phone will immediately start ringing off the hook from those facilities' salespeople calling, but listen to what they have to say, ask that they only contact you via email from now on, and by law, they have to stop calling once you ask (and they do).

Tour the facilities, get the costs and all their literature, and have it in hand when you tell FIL that this is the next step. Ideally hubby should be on board, because he needs to see the situation for what it is. MIL isn't going to improve, and maybe there's a place where both of them can live.

I know a lot of people poo-pooh A Place for Mom, but they were extremely helpful to me, they listened to what I needed and didn't, and they found the perfect place where my mother ended up living the last two years of her life.

(Oh, and the existence of pets absolutely CANNOT be allowed to be the reason they don't move.)

thank you.

You are enabling this situation to continue by helping.

Stop "helping".

Start saying, "this is YOUR mom dear. YOU need to be the one helping her with her personal care."

Your actions will speak louder than those words that are falling on deaf ears.

Is HE being a team player?

She needs help in the mornings. She, or her POA, needs to hire help for the morning.

There's "selfish" and then there's "self-preservation".

How long before someone suggests you quit your job?

Take him out to dinner tonight. Local diner, nothing fancy.

Ask him "what's your plan for your mom? I am NOT on board with her living with us.

We need to figure out how to get her into a good facility using HER resources; I'm willing to help with that. But it's the sad truth that if she stays, I'm going to be forced to live elsewhere."

ND, I UNDERSTAND that you don't want to leave him.

You are between a rock and a hard place here; what are your bargaining tools?

Unless he realizes that you are willing to give up your marriage--that THAT'S how serious you are, then he will continue playing rollover with his family.

The only solution is to send mom back to her own house. Dad had 5 weeks to clean up and take care of the problem. It's not going to happen.

Mom should go back to her house and then your husband and SIL can deal with and make arrangements for mom to be moved from her house into a facility. Case closed. Problem solved.

Clearly husband doesn't give a darn about how this is making you feel and the stress it is causing you and what you want.

It is not your fault his parents are hoarders and slobs and choose to live in filth.

NDD, we've got another poster on here right now whose MIL moved in "temporarily". She is now dealing with what sounds like a some permanent physical damage from trying to lift her MIL.

An elder who is in need of extensive personal care is simply NOT a DIY project, especially not if you work outside the home. Either she hires help (at her own home) or she gets care at a facility.

You are not your in-laws' (or parents') retirement plan.

"This was supposed to be temporary for a few days, while my FIL made the home "livable" for her. It is not safe for her to be there. It is cluttered and filthy from pet "accidents" and her own accidents. She is not able to care for herself or clean up after herself. He is not making progress there, but no one (including my husband) seems to be willing to make a plan for what is to happen next."

That's because YOU have become the plan. If you need further proof, look what SIL just did by bringing MIL's clothes to hang in the closet. Why do YOU have to take PTO to take her to appointments?

Too bad if H is "stressed" by getting his mother ready in the mornings. I hope you drive separately to work. Just make sure YOU get to work on time. As this becomes more and more H's problem alone, he will start doing something to change the situation.

DO NOT FEEL BADLY for feeling the way you do. What are the excuses that the rest of the family (SIL?) couldn't take Mama in?

You are trying to be 'kind & patient' when in reality, the whole idea was to get MIL into your home so YOU could become her caretaker all along! Stop guzzling beers and crying in the garage and set down YOUR rules now because you've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend.

Barb is right: DH needs to understand how SERIOUS you are about getting his mother OUT of your house and taking your LIVES back now! What's he gonna do about it? Give him a time limit, say 30 days, to get mom back home or into an Assisted Living apartment, or you will be moving OUT. Show him that you mean business. You love him but you also love the life you had before MIL usurped it. He can't have it both ways. He hoodwinked you into taking his mother 'for a few days' which is now morphed into FOREVER.

Sorry bub, no pub.

Ask him how he's planning to fix this mess he's created for all of you?

This is costing you financially?

Why is that?

MIL has resources--SS, Medicare/Medicaid, pension, right?

Where is that money going.

Elders deserve the dignity of being able to pay their own way, and not become a financial burden to their families.

Your monies are needed to support your son (if he's a minor) and YOUR retirement.

Unless you are fabulously wealthy and your retirement is fully funded, paying for MIL's support is not acceptable.

This is such a bad situation and it is unfortunate that your husband basically lied to you when mom moved in. You need to sit down with mom and hubby and get this straightened out. Mom doesn't get to call the shots anymore. She lost that right when she couldnt take care of herself. If her husband is abusive she needs to be in a facility. Whether it is assisted living or what have you.

This will change your marriage forever because of mom and husband's handling of all of this. Which is unfortunate.

It is not your fault and it is not wrong for you to not want mom living in your home. Don't let the guilt make you do this. I am sorry you are being put in this situation and I hope you get a resolution sooner rather than later.

First of all, if your MIL is crapping and peeing herself, is on oxygen, and is not able to take care of herself in any way then she's invalid.
She doesn't belong in assisted living because they can't provide the level of care she needs. Your MIL belongs in a nursing home.
So here's what has to happen. You talk to some of the nursing staff that comes to your house. You tell them that she has to be removed from your home and placed because you will not allow her to stay. They will get a social worker on it who will find placement for her. Then have a meeting with your husband and your FIL. Speak plainly to them so there is no misunderstanding.
Tell them both that MIL must be out of your house and living elsewhere by a certain date. Let them know that the visiting nursing staff who comes is aware of this and that they can help find her a social worker and placement for MIL
Tell that husband of yours on no uncertain terms that either his mother is out of the house by (this date) or he should speak with a divorce lawyer because you're going to.
I don't want you to think I'm being harsh or that I'd ever disrespect your family because I wouldn't.
But, your husband is acting like a real S.O.B. and so is his father. It sure sounds to me like they made a plan behind your back and tricked you into becoming MIL's caregiver. Since you legally cannot make decisions for MIL, the family has backed you into a corner. They are expecting that you'll just accept your role as caregiver to her.
Your husband and his family have to be convinced that you're serious about MIL leaving.
This post got me to thinking on the past. I loved my first husband very much. He was a good man and a hard worker. He was also an alcoholic. He wasn't violent or mean when he drank. He never missed work and never drank on the job. I couldn't live with a drunk anymore though. I told him that either he got sober or we were through. He tried but couldn't do it. So we got divorced. I didn't take him for anything. It wasn't a mean divorce. I had to go though, and you may have to also. Otherwise your husband and his family will always take advantage and will never have any respect for you. You have to make them respect you. Start with you don't try to 'sneak' home anymore on your lunch hour to check on her. You stop dressing, feeding, and taking her to appointments. No more bathing or cleaning up 'accidents' either. You do nothing for her. As in zero. Your husband and his family will have to figure it out.
MIL is not as you've said, "calling all the shots". She's a needy invalid. She's not calling anything. She will go to whatever arrangements are made for her and that's the end of it. So make some. Work with those nurses coming to your house. They can help.

It appears MIL is there to stay, as long as possible at least.

NDD, Medicare should have paid for her wheelchair.

Who is her financial power of attorney, i.e., who holds the purse strings?

Frankly, it doesn't matter WHO abused MIL. Right now, it sounds like her husband isn't competent to care for her.

They BOTH need placement.

I don't think your husband is plotting. It sounds like he's a nice guy who doesn't like to rock the boat or ask questions.

That means that YOU need to light a fire under him so he can sau " it's not me, it's my awful wife." And that's just fine.

As to what your son learns?

I learned from watching my mom get conned into taking care of a bunch of my father's dying relatives that it's more than okay to say "no" in defense of your marriage and your kids.

And watching my mom care for her mom for many years taught me (and my mom) that she would never move in with any of us. Mom saved her money assiduously so that THAT would never happen.

He isn't lost for what to do...you are doing it. Tell him he has two weeks to figure it out then you are done. You will not lift a finger or spend a dime on MIL. You did not agree to the current situation and HE needs to fix this NOW. So what if he gets stressed. Let him go to work late and get in trouble. That might be the wake up call for him. As long as you pick up the slack there is no reason or need to change. Honestly....stop being reasonable about this. You will not be able to enjoy the wedding if you are stressing out about MIL....and there will be no second chances for that memory.

He does know what needs to be done, he is just avoiding the fall out figuring dumping this all on you as the lesser of two evils. You don't have to get mad, or leave....just stop helping. Trust me, when he has to deal with this on his own he will man up and make the needed decisions. Don't fall for his 'we are a team' crap. If you were truly a team he would be taking your feelings into consideration already.

It is your husband who is the missing link, he needs to tell his father & mother that she needs to either move back home or to AL. Give them 30 days to figure out what to do.

Your husband might be the nicest guy in the world, however he is weak and does not have his priorities in order.

You do not plan, you plan to fail, it is as simple as that.

I wouldn't let this go a day longer, no need to, it is the parent's problem, your husband can either assist them with a plan or not,

An attorney can do nothing for you at this point.

Let the emphasis be on setting a firm date on when mil must be out. I've been through similar situation when addict BIL was literally dropped on our doorstep years ago. I was never even asked by my husband nor other brothers...just informed he had no place else to go. Well, my house is also no place else. Your husband's family needs to be told what to do. Set that date...for your own sanity.

?!?!?
Your sister in law did what - ?

"I feel selfish, I feel bad for being irritated when my SIL came over last night with a big box of my MIL clothes and just hung them in the closet."

You know that scene in Private Benjamin where Goldie Hawn narrows her eyes and goes "nnnnot, so, fast..."?

It is put your foot down time. How many other family members are skulking around looking shifty? - there's DH, stepFIL, SIL, and who else?

Family conference, agenda, item 1 - MIL does not live here and is not going to live here. Item 2 - reclaiming the house (for FIL's benefit, too - how is it any better that he is living in filth and disorder, without support for his chronically ill wife?). Item 3 - setting up services.

These then result in further actions *with deadlines attached.* And DH signs off, in blood if need be.

Fer cryin' out loud...

And STOP feeling sorry for him when he gets stressed in the mornings. Welcome to your world! He'll have to get up earlier is all.

So many great answers here, I have little to add other than it is easier to create a situation where the “professionals” are responsible for the tough decision. That helps relieve some of the family guilt and inability to act. Your husband may simply be in that mental place and yes, you have been sacrificed at the moment. No one wants to remove a loved one from a home into a facility. It is just heartbreaking even when your logical brain says this is the right decision for your family. Love your husband through this, forgive him, and walk with him through this difficult time. And yes, the other members of the family are hoping the problem is “solved” at the moment. Breathe and remember words are a deadly weapon and once out, often can never be unsaid. Do you best to use the professionals, create loving and compassionate boundaries for your health, the health of your marriage and family. Also remember your son is watching and he is learning how to navigate all this when you and your husband’s time comes. God bless!

Maybe you could make the transition to a nursing home the same way she made the transition to your house. Tell her that you have to have some work done and everybody has to be out for a week. Put her in the nursing home “until the work is done” and then that’s it. She stays there.

Let us know how things go! Good luck!

First! Sit down with your husband in a private setting, without confrontation, and tell him what this major dump of responsibility is doing to you and your marriage. He should get priorities in order and devise an immediate plan to transfer his mother's care back to his father, who has gladly let it fall to you. Hire someone to go in, de-clutter, get their house in livable order and contract them to maintain it weekly. If they don't have a fenced yard to allow pet out, hire a pet walker (doesn't sound like they are capable of its care and may be best for pet to be rehomed.) If your FIL can't take her to appts, there are services available to do so. The care givers going into the home can also alert to any issues with the FIL before both of them end up at your home. Have you considered selling the home and relocating them to a more manageable apartment within an assisted living community? Such arrangements offer services, transport, meals etc., that you are trying to provide. It's admirable that you're caring for your MIL while holding a job, raising a son and being a loving wife. However, if your husband doesn't step up, the situation will over time fester such resentment ultimately deteriorating your marriage, long after the in-laws have passed.

It sounds like your MIL needs more care than Assisted Living. Your problem is also in having you husband believe you will not continue to go along with the current set up. It sometimes means the unrelated spouse (you) has to move out (with your son) to convince your husband you cannot become his mother's care taker.

I have read through a lot of suggestions for you here. There are some good ones however you seem to have an excuse as to why you cannot do this or that. You want to show your son how to be kind and how to treat others. What about showing him what a backbone looks like. The SIL putting the mothers clothes in the closet at YOUR house…that would have been the ENTIRE LAST STRAW for me. WHAT!!! You allowed that to happen. You are being dumped on. You cry secretly in the garage before going inside and need a beer. Take a step back and look at what you are doing to yourself. Self love needs to be your priority at this point. Put your foot down or stop complaining and accept your lot.

It sounds like both your MIL and FIL may be ready for assisted living, where the facility will take care of housekeeping, laundry, preparing 3 meals a day for them, make sure they are taking their medications on schedule, dress and clean them, etc. Get connected with a local social worker to find out what their and your options are. It would be better if their POA or your husband would do this, but it sounds like he is in denial. You may have to do the initial legwork. First of all, you need more of the burden taken off of you. Ask the social worker if your MIL (and FIL) are eligible for more in-home care (temporarily) or for an assisted living facility that they can afford. Much will depend on her/their ages and finances. Does she have dementia? You may have to do the legwork to find a facility for her/them. Try to find one close to your home so that you and your husband can visit often to oversee her/their care. I was able to do this for my mother for drawing a circle around our house on a map of how far I was able to travel conveniently. There are also services, like this one that can advise on senior care arrangements. There are some very good senior facilities, and the advantage of a facility is professional and skilled care, they organize age-appropriate activities, and there will be people their own age around that they might make friends with. My mother was in a very good facility that provide excellent care for her, especially through the pandemic. All the best to you all.

Good luck my dear! Was in a similar situation but wasn't married. Fun talking to a brick wall. I feel for you. Best of luck to you.

NDDIL, any updates on your situation?

NDDIL—
Your MIL is wrecking your home and your family life. Your daughter is likely not getting the joyous time with you and your husband preparing for her wedding . This should be a time of closeness for you and yet you haven’t even purchased your dress! Your son is likely also being similarly deprived of his parents at a pivotal time in his life.
Beggars can’t be choosers. Your MIL has to be out NOW! Let one of her other children take her - that sil can move those clothes to her own home. At the very least say that you all don’t have time to care for her in the lead up to daughters wedding day. Don’t take anymore of your time off for mil, nor pay for her needs out of your money! Your film or her own money or insurance or whatever should pay. Transport for appts? How did she get there before ? Many areas do provide transport but otherwise it should fall on her actual children or husband not you, especially since you have nothing to say about her care. If she is incompetent to make decisions her MPOA should go to doc appts with her.
As far as modeling kindness , you have done this for weeks now - someone else’s turn.
Take her back to her home , call your agency on aging ..they can evaluate and help her husband arrange for cleaning and caregiving ..this isn’t your job - your job is raising your son, helping your daughter to celebrate her wedding and work to provide for yourself and your future.
You have done your part and now it is time to step back and let MIL and her family do theirs. It is obvious that as long as you are doing the caregiving , they will do nothing to fix the situation. If keeping her in her home is the goal..they should hire cleaners or just get a dumpster and clear out the home .. As for the pets ..if they can’t care for them then they unfortunately need to be rehomed. Allowing this to continue is just negligent ..perhaps FIL needs placement as well.
Good luck to you, congrats to your daughter , . Stop this runaway train and get back on track with what sounds like a lovely marriage. Please let us know how everything goes.

It is a difficult situation. This will not be your case but I was begging for help for months before I finally got her in a safe place. It took a fall and a broken hip then I had to tell the rehab center that she couldn't come back to the house because I couldn't take care of her. It was too much for me. The hardest thing I have ever done but I had to for my own health. Unfortunately, it was too late for my health don't let it happen to you.