I currently take care of my 70 year old mother. (only child)
To give some background, my mom was morbidly obese her whole life. She worked as a seamstress, and was always extremely lazy. She was a hoarder, she did not clean the house, nor the car, she had pets that were not properly cared for, and she did not raise me right. I never had things I needed growing up, and I was put in uncomfortable situations as a kid. She did the bare minimum as a mother to avoid getting in trouble with the law. She was verbally abusive and degrading, and most of the things she did, would not make sense to the average person. She was a neglectful selfish mom.
In August 2022, my fiance and I moved in with my mom to get back on our feet after dealing with unsafe living conditions at a run down rental property, and we were struggling to find another home with our financial situation at the time. This is not what ended up happening.
Mom fell in October 2022, and was taken to the hospital because she literally could not get off of the floor. She spent roughly 3 weeks in the hospital, then was moved to a "rehab" facility for 3 months where she was supposed to be getting stronger and relearning how to walk and take care of herself. She came back home in January 2023, and I have been taking care of her ever since. Nothing she did in rehab mattered. She is a fall risk, and one day in Jan 23, she lost balance in the hall, I braced her and she did not fall. She made the decision that day to stay in one room and never leave it.
Since that day, she has not left the room. My fiance and I have cleaned and organized the entire house in order for her to safely move around. It does not matter to her. She does not bathe, or brush her teeth. I have to bring literally everything to her from her incontinence supplies, to her medications, her food, her snacks, her packages. She has decided to cut her own hair. She has a bedside toilet less than 3 feet from her bed. She has a lot of non perishable foods in her room if she needs to eat, but I cook her dinner every single day. She can not manage her own bills without making accounting errors, I have taken over her finances.
She does not respect my boundaries nor my privacy. She does not care that she is ruining my life (I'm 31). She has taken away my freedom, and possibility to have my own family. I am extremely depressed and angry. I have done more for her in the past 3 years than she ever did for me. She believes I am required to help her, to spend my money on her (I work a part time job), and she constantly throws it in my face that "I can't leave" due to my financial situation. She sometimes texts me 30+ times a day, whether i am at home or at work, all repetitive texts. She expects me to drop everything i am doing at any given moment to cater to her. When I set my own boundaries, she disregards them. I have asked her to not text me past 8pm, and I am still receiving texts from her at 10pm. She lies to her friends about taking care of herself and tells lies on me and my fiance. She calls me a liar to my face about literally nothing, she threatens me and she no longer feels like my mother (the few good memories that i have of her).
I feel that I am being taken advantage of and being manipulated. I am a shell of myself. I want to put her into an assisted living facility (more or less a nursing home, because she can not care for herself). Every time I bring this up as a conversation, she either stops talking to me, and ignores me acts like I am not there. Alternatively, it turns into a big yelling match about this being her house and she is going to stay in it until she dies. She always said she would leave the house to me. She is a giant child. I clearly do not have the finances to put her into a home. If she would at least be respectful, I would not feel so terrible. However, I feel stuck, depressed, and I just want to enjoy my life with my fiance.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you for reading my rant.
Currently in a situation with a mother who was also not there for me as a kid. Spent my younger life in Fosterhomes etc. Though I never moved in with her ( a hoarded mess of a filthy old trailer) I kept an eye on her. She was content and had her life. Since dec of 2023, she has fallen and fractured an ankle, fallen and broken a hip and finally suffered an Aortic aneurysm rupture and pulled thru. I have dealt with it all the best I can. Thru the hospitals, skilled nursing, her obstinance and beligerance and she she is also somewhat mentally ill. ( diagnosed yrs ago with schizophrenia and bipolar. Tranquilizers mostve her life.)She is now in an AFH and SHE thinks she's fine to go home and live in her mess and resume her life ( she's 86) and can't even pull up her own pants for the potty. She's delusional, cannot walk without support and everyday is some new fire to put out. You're situation is extremely difficult and you are to be commended for helping her. Many are suggesting APS, in my own experience, they told me " if she qualifies for in home help ( medicaid or?) APS will NOT go near her. I was shocked to find orgs that actually do and DID go into a place such as hers to do dishes, help bathe etc. She has to be a proven danger to herself to qualify for APS to do anything. ( good luck with that) anyway, i agree with others in Try to separate yourself from her, if even temporarily. The stress can make you ill if it hasn't already. Everyone has a breaking point. I myself am searching for a support group as Unless, someone has lived in YOUR shoes they cannot nor Should not chastise! I've been in my own caregiver Hell tho I'm sure it doesn't sound like it compared.. you're young ,( I am 64) I am the oldest of 5,all of whom were adopted out when we were young. I am all she has and I just do it. I don't always know why.. Compassion I guess. I have nothing to gain from it, no inheritance etc. Are you POA of? I am able to make some decisions on her behalf that albeit ,extremely difficult, it has helped along the way. Not sure i had anything positive to offer you here but YOU ARE NOT alone. That previous post of criticism just angered me and I had to say something. Best of luck to you:)
"When I set my own boundaries, she disregards them."
I think that is very common when a person starts to set boundaries. The offender tests them to see if they are meant.
The thing about setting boundaries is that there have to be consequences when the boundaries aren't respected. Otherwise they are useless. The offender will likely run roughshod over them.
Here is an example from the internet -
"If someone consistently interrupts you in a conversation, you could say: "When you interrupt me, I feel disrespected. If you do that again, I'm going to end the conversation."
Then, follow through if the person continues to interrupt.
State the action (be specific) , how you feel about it, and the consequences for not respecting your boundaries.
e.g. When you.........., I feel ............ If you do that again I will/wll not..............................
also from the internet
"Setting and enforcing limits is an ongoing process. It requires consistent effort, communication, and the willingness to take action when necessary to protect your own boundaries and create a healthier environment. "
The consequences should be appropriate and related to the offense. If boundaries are to be of any use, consequences must follow disrespect of boundaries. It means you have to change your ways i.e. implementing consequences, before there is any chance the offender will change theirs. They may change and they may not. Be sure you set consequences you are prepared to live with.
Wishing you all the best in this very difficult situation.
I’m trying to walk that line between gratitude for what she gave me back then and acknowledging the reality of who she is now — and the truth is, I can’t carry both our lives on my back forever.
https://more-more07.blogspot.com/2025/04/aging-gracefully-in-digital-world.html
The first step for me is accepting that love doesn’t always mean endless sacrifice. I can still care, I can still hope for her, but I also have the right to step back and start building a life that’s mine, without guilt.
It’s not selfish — it’s necessary. And I believe finding support, setting boundaries, and allowing myself to grow beyond this role is how I’ll finally break free, with both strength and grace.
If the words of a stranger help, I want to give you affirmation and tell you that you are completely right.
I hope you keep up the courage and manage to live your own life on your terms. That's what your mum brought you up to do.
Best wishes.
From my point of view, you are re-acting (out) based on trauma from childhood.
* When you 'connect the dots' (likely with a therapist), you will take back your personal power and realize that you have a choice ... to do as you are (everything for your mother) or set limits / create personal boundaries.
* She will not change.
* You have to change or you will (unfortunately) continue to be in this whirlwind of depression and further lose yourself.
* There is no 'yelling match' if you do not stay in her presence to listen to her. You are choosing to 'stay in this' by not leaving the room, etc.
You likely believe you do not have a choice. You do. You have to learn that you have choices.
* Address why this silent treatment is a trigger for you ... you as a 5 year old being ignored?
* Why not let her 'give you the silent treatment' ? --- this is much better for you if you understand that it gives you a reprieve of the emotional intense volatile situation. You need to reframe how her behavior affects you - it takes a learned / disciplined awareness on your part - to STOP - and access:
- what is going on here
- how am I feeling ...
- how do I want to respond.
The best way might be for you to leave the area for a while (fr minutes to 1/2 day to an entire day) to figure out how you feel. Trauma is very complex and hard to process. It is MESSY. Give yourself a break - or many breaks, mentally and physically, and emotionally.
- Learn to love yourself by understanding what is running you.
* Do not co-mingle your money.
* While maybe extremely hard for you to understand, you are NOT responsible for your mother's welfare or life-style. She is making some or all of her own choices.
* Do not allow the house (left to you) be a carrot on the stick for you to care for her ... it will further / increase / keep your 'feeling power-less' going, and the loss of yourself (anxiety, depression, ovewhelm, breakdown is NOT worth a house).
If she doesn't qualify for a nursing home (due to owning a home), then let her decide how to handle her needs.
You tell her (write it in an official letter/contract) what you will do and won't do.
That she needs to hire caregivers so you have days off.
You tell her that if this this behavior continues, you will:
- leave for a week or move out.
Or you tell her you are moving out.
Hard decisions.
It starts with you and realizing / assessing the qualify of life you want for yourself and you believing what you deserve. Nothing is black and white. Therapy will help you sort this out.
In the interim, do not stay in her presence when these situations start.
Appreciate the 'silent treatment.' It is a time for you to relax, reframe, feel relief.
Get caregiver(s) (SHE PAYS FOR THEM) ... if she decides she doesn't want ... and you are not there, this is her decision. She'll get the picture quick enough.
She needs to know that you are serious with the boundaries you set.
It will be hard for you as this is new behavior and likely counter-to EVERYTHING you think / believe / never considered.
You are not ranting. This is real life and these are very difficult situations to be in. When you share your story, you help many others. You are not alone.
Know that you can set personal boundaries WHILE also being / expressing compassion. It is an awareness. Being a clear communicator - telling her exactly how you feel and what you'll do / not do, and what she needs to do is being compassionate.
Gena / Touch Matters
I can NOT get over how many posters cry about how bad their childhood was, yet, when their adult lives end up in the toilet, right back to the teat they go.
I would have worked a dozen jobs before I would have moved in with either of my parents as an adult.
Who goes back to the sewer? Oh, those that didn't really think it was all that bad, imo.
However, showing compassion for her would speak volumes about you.
Or that you do not show any compassion speaks volumes about you.
It is so easy to say that 'you' wouldn't have moved in ... that YOU would have taken 12 other jobs before moving in ... but you are not in this daughter's shoes / body / nor know her trauma-behavior triggers ... or perhaps you do not have the ability to project how this woman feels - and why.
It is so easy to say what we would do ... and not have the maturity/ability to be able to project how the person asking the question(s) here feels.
I am often very direct although I also try to be sensitive and compassion to the writer.
People writing here are overwhelmed, perhaps emotionally/ psychologically and otherwise, unstable 'too' - ending up caring 24/7 for a job they are not trained for and thrown into, and ending up close to a breakdown. And then there are the financial issues.
None of this is easy.
What we can offer is some 'constructive support' - compassion for the situation a person finds themselves in and 'try' to provide support that may actually support them, rather than berate them as it appears you are doing.
Read Danielle 123 response below here. She is very sensitive and supportive.
Before you leave, make one call to APS to report a vulnerable adult. That’s it. One call. Then leave. She is no longer a mother to you, but she does sound like a monster who you need to escape from. You can do this. It will not be easy, but it can be done,
Move out. Then report her to APS. They will do a welfare check and take appropriate actions.
Make no mistake, unless you sign an agreement with your so called mother, you are under no legal obligation to provide care for her. Also, when providing care does this much damage to you, no one in their right mind can argue you have any moral or ethical obligation to support her either.
Good Luck! Remember, life is a very selfish game. If you don't watch out for your own needs, no one will watch out for your needs.
If she is unable to care for herself you give notice to her that you are moving and will no longer care for her.
You could contact Senior Services in your area and find out if she qualifies for assistance. You can also inform the Social Worker that you will be moving and she will be on her own.
You can also report her to APS as a vulnerable, at risk senior.
You are being made sick. While you are there (scr.w the house) you will never ever become the lady, the wife, the mom you resent you're not.
You have to flush this toilet life to become the solid, clear thinking, a bit detached, adult you seem to claim you want to be if it weren't for good ole mom.
I'm painfully writing this because you don't need anymore jabs but I can't imagine the circumstances that forced you and your fiance to reach out to such a creature for help. I would've gone to the "Y" before getting into that quick sand. I would've gone out of town to a big church and ask to work as a janitor in exchange for a room and personal time to work and save money.
Forget what she says she is going to give you. She says she's going to leave the house to you, HA. She's manipulating you. RUUUUUNNNNNN. I'm here to tell you it's not worth it, even if it's in writing. You're doomed if you stay there.
I'm deeply sorry that you have such a selfish lazy whale of a mom as that woman. Step back in your mind. Imagine a roll model, someone polished, gentle, wise, not manipulative, a capable woman, giving but not 100% giving inorder for you to learn that you are capable.
Your plans are being delayed by your current situation. There will always be an excuse. You're 31!!! Run like your butts on fire.
She doesn't respect herself and you imagine that she will respect you? Are you on crack? No really. If you are doing anything that alters your mind and is keeping you from what you know is healthy the years will drip by one after another, then the decades and then...you're her. Is she your way to blame someone other than yourself.
Go to school. Get a second job. Help your mom by getting her the phone numbers to resources. Get out. Get out. Get out.
"This is the least of everything BUT you do realize that every screaming match becomes part of your personality, your character and is shaping the YOU that will show up in knee jerk reactions to other people, including your fiance and future children. You are practicing crude behavior as long as you are there."
This on its own should be enough to tell the OP, and anyone else, to not remain in a situation where their true self (or the person they aspire to be) is being systematically eroded.
This scripture can apply to caregiving children who choose to stick it out with narcissistic and abusive parents who constantly gaslight and irritate their child to rage and resentment.
I do not believe that God intended for children to be subjected to this type of ongoing abuse for a lifetime.
Get therapy and develop a more realistic approach on how to handle this type of person. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a real diagnosis.
You say your mother has not left her room since 2023. That's a long time. She stays alive because she's brought food, water, and her care needs are met. So the persons providing there things (you and your fiance) can have the upper hand here.
If her house is the legal residence of you and your fiance, she can't just throw the two of you out. She would have to go through the legal process of eviction. For this to happen she would have to go in person to the housing court, fill out the legal paperwork to evict the two of you, then pay a sheriff to serve you with official eviction Notice to Quit. Then you'd get a certain amount of time to move out.
Think about this. Who would get her down to the courthouse? Who would get a sheriff to serve the two of you with eviction? Who would start feeding, washing, and supplying her with the products she uses if the two of you left? She hasn't left her room in two years. Is she really going to arrange her own homecare? Believe me my friend, none of her friends are going to take on a piece of this mess to help her get rid of the two of you. So don't even worry about that. The next time she starts acting up and is berating you, have your fiance secretly video it with the phone. Then send it to all of her friends with an explanation that this is what you deal with on a daily basis. They will only support her with words. None of them will take any actions against you because then they may have to step in and start caregiving. That isn't going to happen. Let her complain to her friends about you. Who cares? It will come to nothing.
She's dependent on you and your fiance. So set some boundaries here. Block her phone number when you're at work and after a certain hour at home. You are pretty much her only lifeline. Make sure she knows it. When she acts up, close her bedroom door and walk away. Believe me she will run out of the non-perishable food and Depends she keeps in her room. Her bedside toilet will also fill up mighty quick. She'll talk to you then and make her ask for food and supplies and help. This is how you break down the stubbornness and get her behavior in check.
Don't fight with her. Ignore her. I worked with clients like your mother for 25 years (my mother included). How I was able to do this work was by learning to tune out and ignore. Try it.
Then if she refuses put the house in your name or into an Irrevocable Trust with you as Trustee, that's when you and your fiance move out. If there's nothing in it for you, don't stay. If she does this, you'll have to keep her out of AL or a NH for the Medicaid 5-year lookback period. If she doesn't walk away. You and your fiance will make your own life together.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. As others have said, find a full time job and save to get your own place as soon as possible. If your mom falls again, call 911 and let them take her to the hospital. Tell them that you can not take care of her. I have been through a similar situation and trying to care for a parent that was not nice to you growing up is hard but I did it for many years until I could not any more. My father is in a facility now. But the years of verbal abuse has really affected me and he still does it now and I'm 55!! You mentioned that she told you that you can't leave due to your financial situation. This is the mindset of my dad. I have never lived with him but he orchestrated a plan to hoard everything in his name so it would hard for him to receive any assistance which he thought would force me to quit my job and move in with him. I recently told him that I was thinking of moving to another town and his response was " You can not afford to move." He also keeps saying recently that he now he needs to keep his house ( he recently wanted to sell) in case I need somewhere to go. Why would I?? I have my own house. I will also add that he also lied to people about me. I know this because some of his friends and family have treated me different. It is awful that a parent would lie on their own child.
Please hang in there and get out now. It will be better for you and her. You can get on with your life and she can get help from medical professionals. Prayer to you!
But I agree with Geaton and MG8522 and SnoopDave and all the others.
You moved into your mom’s house. I get that you had your reasons. But it was a mistake. You can move out. Prioritize finding a full time job. Save as much as you can. Move as soon as you can. Inform her of this plan. Stop making her dinner. Tell her she needs to make other arrangements because you are getting your OWN life together. If she falls or has some other health crisis, call 911. Make sure you are not living there by the time her hospital or rehab stay ends. Tell the hospital you don’t live with her, can’t possibly take care of her, and she’s an unsafe discharge.
Unless you have DPOA, you can refuse to do anything more at that point. Most likely, her house will be sold to pay for her care until she qualifies for Medicaid and then that will take over paying.
I get the feeling that you feel like getting the house will be some kind of payback for her bad parenting and mistreatment of you. That she “owes you” But I don’t think it’s anywhere near worth god knows how many more years of this situation. You’ll have to make your own decision on that. In the end, you might not get it anyway. Good luck.
Ive been deeply pondering the bible scripture you provided for years, ever since the Lord Jesus Christ and His Spirit of Holiness took me out of spiritual darkness and in to the Kingdom of Heaven four years ago.
May I ask, is it wrong for a new Christian to want a short life? All my affections it now seems is for my union with Our Father. I want to go home to Christ. Not have more days here.
I don't know that you could place her in a nursing home against her will. She doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to.
Second, you should not have moved in to your mother's home. You knew your history with her, and living with her was never going to turn out well. Now, you feel stuck. I know, it's too late now, but you are not stuck.
You and your fiance need to move out now!
If she is not respecting your boundaries and texting or calling you while you are working, turn off your phone. You don't have to respond to every call or text.
It sounds like you want to have use of her house, you just don't want her in it.
If you want to live there, you are going to have to put up with her.
You are being very short-sighted and not thinking clearly if you are waiting for her to die so you can have her house. She could live another 20 years like this.
Stop thinking about her house, and make a life of your own with your fiance.
Find another place to live. Stop doing things for her. She stubbornly wants to stay in her home until she dies. She can do that. But you don't have to enable her. You are not responsible for her. If you don't answer her calls, she will find someone else to call, or she will figure out how to make do on her own.
The hope of inheriting a house is not worth it. You can make it on your own!
sorry to hear this manipulative behaviour
from where I sit:
1. Find a means of moving out/supporting yourself
are there any government help or charities that help homeless ?
2. Decide what’s more important to you- being left the house or your sanity
just because yr mother says she’s leaving you the house doesn’t mean she actually will ..
if she was untrustworthy prior she may still be untrustworthy now.
it’s a hard one
i think you need legal advice - will the house will be left to you ? Have you seen a will saying so- It can still be changed ..
you obviously need help
you’ve got to work out what’s more important to you
if it’s the house
and there’s no reason to feel bad about that given your past
then you need to find a way of coping/getting care help-
it could involve loosing the house tho or funds of it ( legal can advise)
or finding a way to cope- maybe to her doctor about your concerns
she sounds a danger to herself - she may qualify to be taken into care
but as she has the house that could involve loosing - you need to check- loosing some of the house as care money
you need to explore your options
your mother could live for a long time
you need to work out honestly what you can continue to cope with and with
your mothers dangling you by a string
You really need something concrete you will get the house especially as she’s talking against you to others - you could end up suffering and waiting with no compensation
My options (but I am not you):
(1) leave - you paid your debt for the living space when your former rental was a hazard,
(2) ask her doctor to talk to her
(3) ask if her medical facility provides social worker (I takes to 2 diff at my spouse's clinic for diff issues and felt both were useless and did not even answer my questions).
Take care of yourself and your fiance!
good luck getting your live back. Hopefully someone else had added more helpful information to that end.
Don't fall for the old scam of this house will be yours after they die. In most cases, this will never happen and is nothing more than a ploy to keep you tied to them and keep working.
Spot on Scampie.
Dependent upon where you live, if your mother cannot do for herself, she can become a ward of the state. I don’t know the path and intricacies to this happening. But, I’ve heard this can happen. I’m going to assume it involves Adult Protective Services and any other necessary authorities. They also take all of her assets to cover the costs of her care, at least in part. In some states, there are however, Filial Responsibility Laws. In general, what that means is that they will take a part of your income, to help cover her care. I think, typically, you have to be under the age of 55, for the courts to enforce that, however. And, of course, the very idea that you would have to pay any monies, to care for a parent who has basically been anything but and, worse, may have been abusive, sounds insane. But, I’d image that the authorities’ concentration is simply how to cover costs. Perhaps, if you had evidence, it might help. Unsure.
So, your most important things are to gather information, make a plan for the best decisions do not discuss with or listen to enablers who will say, “But that’s your mom,” and from the sounds of it, make your way out of there.