My mother was recently diagnosed with dementia about a year ago and my dad recently passed away 6 months ago which made her dementia worse. The doctor also took her license away about 3 months ago. I have two older sisters that live about 2 1/2 hours away and I am the only daughter in the city where my mother is. Since my dad passed away I moved in to help my mom cope but I have also became the primary caregiver for her. I drive her to the grocery stores and doctors appointments about 2-3x a week. We also hired assistance to pick her up twice a week during the day while I am at work.
The problem I am facing is that when I ask my sisters for more help they either get angry or tell me to ignore my moms requests for wanting to constantly go out. They basically say there is nothing they can do. My one sister has not been home since August and the other one comes home about once every two months. When they do come home they only stay for a few hours and never ever pick my mom up and bring them to their place to stay. They have more than enough room two huge homes. I feel like they don’t care and can’t handle my mom's situation and has left the burden on me. Every time I ask for help to come home often they get angry and defensive. My one sister does not work and I feel she could be here more often helping. The only support they offer is paying her bills. I’m kinda frustrated because I need to move on with my life and start a family and get married. I feel like this burden has been left on me.
quality time w/mom as you seek paid live in helper. Is senior day care an option for you? My mom lived it even as her condition got worse,she enjoyed riding to/from.
Good advice to sit w/family to do financial PLAN for long term care and the short term helper(because
your moving. 'Mom can stay with one of you or we split all costs for her care..and we put it in writing")
Memories fade..make a WRITTEN
plan.Even if it's in the form of a family "mom care plan" meeting
summary.If no one contradicts it in writing..it's fact. I found wonderful
helper for 2-4 days/wk,plus day
care. We took turns getting her up dressed&fed before day care. The facility served 2meals,changed her
diaper and got her to walk and do
activities (music,movie,games). My
mom had 11 doctors, so I learned
a lot about aging. Acupuncture was Godsend,we dropped 6 docs!
She had Reiki 1-2x/wk it calmed her.We repeated "everyday and in every way, I expand my mental capacity' (said 7times several times) I tried to make her laugh, especially when I was tired.I took
some weekends OFF by hiring TWO helpers (1/2 day each, they
were check &balance)and stayed til she was asleep.Second came early morn.YOU make a plan so you can have a life and care for her
Start looking for Adult Day Care for your Mom. This will give her a place to go, friends she can make, things she can do. Some also go on outings if she is able to join in.
Sooner or later you will not be able to leave her home while you go to work. She will either need a care giver or she will definitely need Adult Day Care, or you will have to look for a Memory Care facility for her.
If she has the funds look into that. If she will have to go on medicare start the process now. Many facilities will accept Medicare only after they have been "private pay" for a given time period, usually a year.
There is a lot that goes into caring for a person with Dementia, is her house set up for it? Barrier free, large bathrooms to use a walker or wheelchair? Bedroom on the first floor? These are just a few things that will make caring for her easier.
Also know you will probably have to leave your job if you plan to care for her full time. You will loose friends, you will become isolated, if you are married with children make sure they have some input into any plans.
You should not have to shoulder the burden alone, but your siblings have the right to differ with you in their opinion of what is the best way to care for their mother and maybe that's moving her to a community.
If they don't want her to move to memory care AND don't want to help care for her, then that's another story. If they are offering to pay the bills, hire a home care companion for as many hours a day as you need and get on with your life. If they won't take her when you need a break, arrange for a respite stay at a local community (usually they'll take someone if they will stay for at least a month). Your siblings can pay the rent.
Also, I am sorry that you feel abandoned that they will not physically help you, but we all get to decide how much we are willing to help. If you didn't consult with them about your moving in, you can't really expect them to back you up. They didn't make that decision, you did.
You would be better off accepting the financial assistance and hiring an aide. You can not force them to care more than they do but you can cause a life long fracture.
Mmaybe its time for mom to be in a facility that can provide her with 24/7 care. It is hard to make that decision, but sometimes it is the best option. Then you can be her daughter again and perhaps have some more good times and happy memories.
I would not be able to trust a Medical Professional that would live with 2 other Medical Professionals to care for 1 person and only want room and board. If it sounds to good to be real, because it is.