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My mother was recently diagnosed with dementia about a year ago and my dad recently passed away 6 months ago which made her dementia worse. The doctor also took her license away about 3 months ago. I have two older sisters that live about 2 1/2 hours away and I am the only daughter in the city where my mother is. Since my dad passed away I moved in to help my mom cope but I have also became the primary caregiver for her. I drive her to the grocery stores and doctors appointments about 2-3x a week. We also hired assistance to pick her up twice a week during the day while I am at work.


The problem I am facing is that when I ask my sisters for more help they either get angry or tell me to ignore my moms requests for wanting to constantly go out. They basically say there is nothing they can do. My one sister has not been home since August and the other one comes home about once every two months. When they do come home they only stay for a few hours and never ever pick my mom up and bring them to their place to stay. They have more than enough room two huge homes. I feel like they don’t care and can’t handle my mom's situation and has left the burden on me. Every time I ask for help to come home often they get angry and defensive. My one sister does not work and I feel she could be here more often helping. The only support they offer is paying her bills. I’m kinda frustrated because I need to move on with my life and start a family and get married. I feel like this burden has been left on me.

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125, there is nothing you can do to convince your sisters to help. I too, had two twisted sissies. The care was left to me, 24/7, 365 days a year, for four years. Twisteds were originally in denial that lasted four years until I had enough and they had mom admitted to memory care. That was when they finally realized that mom was really as sick as I tried to tell them.

Yes, you need to get on with your life, you must be young if wanting marriage and a family. Your best option in my opinion is to move out, find mom a home caregiver if there are funds for that, or place her in a facility. It will be hard, but even if your twisteds were to help, living two hours away is a lot to ask. They have their lives too, and yours is what you make it.
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Caring12S- it can be heartbreaking to see that although you have biological siblings (raised in same home) people have different ideas of how much interest/caring for a parent is enough.
I am in the same boat, 3 sibs who live between 1 & 8 hour car ride from our widowed Mother but they don't feel the need to visit often (every few months..and the ones living the farthest don't work.
Our parents were inseparable and on the go, yet when Dad passed on suddenly 4.5 yrs ago Mother went into assisted living they didn't seem to see the void..of companionship and more importantly transportation (Mother can't drive).
My sibs even complain that by me trying to see Mom 2-3 afternoons per week that I am setting a dangerous pattern.
Elder Aunts/Uncles have told me if the sibs can't appreciate Mother enough to spend the time now while she still is communicative and ambulatory there is probably little I can do to change their minds and just know that I am doing what our Dad thought ALL of his children would do when they promised him to look after Mother. They will just have to live with the guilt when she's no longer talking or recognizes them.
You write that maybe they can't handle the situation. I think that is part of the issue with at least one sister of mine. I wish she would just admit it..not so I can gloat..but since I know Mother's routine maybe I could suggest a different way...i.e. take her for a car ride to see the scenery, structure exactly where you will drive her, play the CD I made of Mom's favorite songs, etc. Mother is quite calm and happy just to get out of the same 4 walls (and with music playing she doesn't repeat herself as much).

There are also mediators that perhaps you and your sisters can meet with to sort out some of this? Since Mother is in Memory Facility now the staff has been a great resource and stabilizing force..before it was me against them.
Hope some of this helps.
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125...
It might be the time to have a "family talk"
Tell your siblings that you can not do it all and that the option will be to find a place for mom. Assisted Living now might work then a move to Memory Care. Or go directly to Memory Care if that is appropriate.
I am sure that once this subject is brought up either they will find a way to help out more or you can all go tour Memory Care facilities now.
This will take the burden from you as well. Once placed mom will be in a safe secure environment and you call all become daughters again not caregivers.
Yes it will be an adjustment for mom as well as you. But this is a disease that progresses and the necessary help will only increase. The important thing is mom is safe and in a place that will be able to accommodate her needs as she declines.
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I understand your frustration and stress... You've received some good ideas and suggestions, and I'll add my thoughts to your dilemma...
Instead of asking for their help, you might be a little more direct.
1. Start by stating that you plan to be away ~ no explanations or justifications, just the statment of when you'll be away. Do this with enough time to give them an opportunity to prepare.
2. State that you all need to look at options for mom's care while you're gone and that they'll need to let you know what they are willing or able to do to help mom through your absence...
3. This is NOT for you, but for your mother and she is the mother of all of you.
4. Operate from the premise that they care, but do not have to do more than they are doing because you are handling everything, and even if you complain, they can ignore your complaints and go on about their lives, which is their priority... We are not judging them, just being aware of how they are handling their priorities...
5. IF they tell you to do what you need to do, that they have no suggestions, then the next step is to outline that mom would need to go into assisted living for respite care, and that right now the cost would be... $___ and how do they want to cover that cost?
6. The conversation will then turn to finances and often times when siblings don't physically participate in a parent's care, they do step up with financial support... as you stated, they pay her bills...
7. Make sure you do get away as you stated you would, and then the conversation can be followed up with what will work for mom going forward... This may encourage the discussion regarding long term care, financial planning, visitation, etc. While respite care is short term, it can often lead to the long term care needed...
8. As was recommended previously, see what you can then do to move out on your own so you are not as consumed with the daily care and responsibilities for your mother.
9. This is about setting and maintaining healthy boundaries, first with your mother and then with your sisters... They are used to you handling everything, so making the change to let them know that this is no longer acceptable, a conversation regarding mom's care has to happen...
10. No guilt, no judgments, just lay out the facts... Focus on creating the best life you can given the realities of your mother's needs...
Wishing you ease...
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YsLadyMN Nov 2018
Best advice, general boundaries, etc. THANK YOU for sharing. Gold here.

I have done most of this and agree 100%.
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There are seven of us siblings. There were 7 opinions and attitudes about who should do what.
Meet got together with a elder care attorney for an hour appointment. At that meeting he took charge and told us to stop focusing on all the little things. We decided at that meeting that there would be no judgement, no expectations of each other’s contributions. Our Dad did nothing to plan for his future and he put us in this mess.
We are now not criticizing each other. We are siblings that unconditionally love each other. Each of us have our abilities and reasons for what we can or cannot do.
It is working for us. No one can say what others should do.
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TwinRivers Nov 2018
Thanks! PrairieLake

Just love hearing this... I think you said this before—if you did, I loved it before. This is how things should be in every family. Some people are better at some things than others.

"We decided at that meeting that there would be no judgement, no expectations of each other’s contributions. Our Dad did nothing to plan for his future and he put us in this mess.
We are now not criticizing each other. We are siblings that unconditionally love each other. Each of us have our abilities and reasons for what we can or cannot do.
It is working for us. No one can say what others should do."
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You need to host a family meeting and determine the next steps. People with dementia need placement ultimately as they are unsafe. Even with the best intentions the outcome isn’t going to change. She will need placement. You will burn yourself out and isolate yourself from your own goals and dreams. Siblings suck and there’s a buck passer in every family. Do what you can and no more. Parents have a lifetime to plan for this stage in their live so don’t throw your life away now. Make plans for placement ASAP. Get an elder law attorney. Lilly mom will need protection from your siblings in the future. Those that don’t help typically help themselves to the assets.
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Summer55 Nov 2018
Family meetings hardly work and are you kidding me that our parents have a life time to plan?!? Get a grip, im sure my mother or father planned for retirement but you don't plan to get dementia or any other brain disorder and they sure as hell don't get to fill out the application. Then if they go on Medicaid then the government drains everything else.
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I’m very sorry you are in this situation. I am too. I was advised to put sit down with them face to face and tell them you need hands-on help and ask what they are willing to provide. Alternately tell them specifically what your need/want/expect from each and suggest a schedule. Your mom’s
needs are only going to increase over time and her mobility will decrease so it’s important that you firm something up ASAP. Maybe your mom goes to stay with each of them for 3 months straight? She could see doctors in their city. Good luck.
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TwinRivers Nov 2018
This was a kind and very good response. I would like to add, siblings can't read your mind. If they are not seeing you on a regular basis, they may not know what you are going through. Hearing about caregiving and actually doing it are two very different things. Your suggestions are clear and reasonable, the best way to approach somebody that you need help from.
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Sadly, you can’t make people show compassion or care. My sister has abandoned our mother living her fabulous life in her gigantic home four states away and if I mention something mom needs or wants am either told, “she can buy it herself”. Or “it sucks to be you”. But she made sure they moved close to hubbies parents. Maybe they have money?
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Ohhhh How I feel you. It has been that way for me for almost 7 years....one acts like she is too busy and she has to work (and I have two jobs and I'm a widow) and she claims to be this Christian and has a husband to help her with her income. They have NEVER offered to help out, as a matter of fact she goes around telling people she was abused as a child just to make herself look like a victim. Disgusting! Another sister lives out of state and comes once or twice a year to help about for a week or two. My health is declining but....they do not care. All I can tell you is they prob will not change. It happens in every family. There is always that one. I am sorry you have no help, I truly am I know what it feels like. Makes you angry and bitter. You don't mean to be but it is a lot. I have both parents and trying to get them in assisted living and my dad is fighting me. At least they are paying bills, none of mine would ever do that....it is a horrible situation. Praying for you!
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Tluther Nov 2018
My sister and I were abused by my father’s father for years. My mom would be right across the room while it was happening. My sister resents her and wants her to suffer for it. Myself; I have issues to this day, but don’t hold my mother fully responsible. To me it’s a poor excuse for not helping
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To theresamore

"she goes around telling people she was abused as a child just to make herself look like a victim."

Wow. This is why people don't talk about abuse. Were you with your sister 24 hours a day, throughout every step of her life? I was a victim of molestation by my brother and nobody in my family can believe that the favorite member of the family did this to me. He is, and always will be a hero in everyone else's eyes. Only he and I know the truth. Please don't ever question the validity of someone who claims to be victimized. You can't truly know the truth of what happened to her. It certainly isn't kind to shame a possible victim when you don't know the truth. People do lie about some situations, but if a person were to make up stories, this would be a person who needs serious help—at least show some sensitivity towards her.

To caring12s

You also cannot understand why a person will not help out with parents. In my case, my parent with dementia was neglectful and abusive. Not everyone lives a happy life and many siblings are treated differently because of parent bias. You may not have been aware of it during your life or seen the difference in how some of your siblings were treated when growing up. Be grateful that they are helping with money. That's a good thing. A lot of people don't even do that. I'm a caregiver that has been shunned and shamed because "I didn't do enough" when those accusers lived out of state and did absolutely nothing. I did something for years. They neglected our parents in the past and now when I have taken a break from my parent's abuse, they criticize me again. There are always unknown factors in any relationship and being bitter and resentful is not a way to get anybody to help out.
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anonymous843034 Nov 2018
TwinRivers, your response was right on point! My mother was both emotionally and physically abusive to me as a child, and I am still dealing with the resentment and bitterness after her passing a month ago.

I have 5 other siblings, and we were all treated differently. My mother played favorites, and I was not one of them. One of my sisters took care of our mother for a very long time, and my mother was nasty, difficult and demanding. I personally think my sister was a saint for dealing with her for all those years!

I was asked many times over the years (by my siblings who were off living their lives) why I was not helping my sister more with our mother's care. My mother was never there for me growing up, she destroyed my self-esteem, and physically abused me! My life was pure hell growing up! I was the only one brave enough to stand up to her later in life, and held her accountable for what she did to us! In the last few years of her life, she made an attempt (in her own way) to repair our relationship, but it was too late, the damage was done. I helped my sister whenever I was able, because I felt bad for my sister, not because I wanted to. I am now grieving for what I never had. I had a bizarre love/hate relationship with my mom, and I never understood why I just didn't completely cut her out of my life, but I just kept hoping that she would give me a sincere apology. In the end all I got was her getting angry and telling me that she was an excellent mother...HA!!! Thank goodness that I learned from the experience, because my daughter and I have a loving, close relationship.

Please remember that not all siblings are horrible because we distance ourselves from our parents. Many of us have perfectly good reason to! Yes, some siblings are selfish and self-centered, but not all. If you were a victim of abusive parenting, my heart goes out to you, because it is one of the most heartbreaking situations to be in. After our parents gone, the scars remain. Blessings to all the amazing caregivers out there!
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Did your mother or father serve in the armed services? The Veteran Administration can help you. You could get help with money. Just a lot of paperwork, but will be worth after it's all done. My mother too, has dementia. Good luck, I know what you are going through.

Jan
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Expect absolutely nothing from your sisters. Review all documents your parents may have created with a lawyer such as wills, trusts end of life directives financial statements etc. Make sure you are in charge since you are the caretaker. If your sisters only want to contribute money get a clear idea of how much and what the expenses will be. You then have to decide your level of involvement in being a caretaker.
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I too am "the one" in the family that has been designated - against my will - as mother's caretaker. I am the youngest and have been the closest to her, however none of us got the care and attention we should have had from her when we were children. When she started crashing her car into things and neglecting the care of her home, we took her from the 15 room farmhouse she had lived in with my stepfather prior to his death, and moved her in with me. I did everything for her: cleaning, cooking, laundry, chauffeuring, shopping, paperwork, banking, When I couldn't be there because of my full time job, my teenage son filled in. That went on for five years until she started wandering off in the middle of the night. Fearing for her safety and my sanity, I moved her to a memory care facility. At no time when she was living alone, living with me, or living at the facility have my brother and sister visited her on a regular basis. She sees my brother probably 4 times a year. He lives about 15 miles from her facility. My sister goes a little more often - at least once a month - she lives about 12 miles away and her daughter, whom she visits often, lives a couple of blocks from the facility. I have tried pleading, bribing, guilting and shaming to get them to call or visit more often. They flatly refuse. While doing so, they constantly criticize me for just about everything I say or do regarding mom. I have to agree, I don't think anything you do will change your situation. I wish it were not so, but I'm in the same leaky rowboat. I'm going to be having surgery in a few weeks, which will limit my mobility for a lengthy period. My brother and sister both know this, however, I do not anticipate it will make them shoulder their own share of the burden, much less mine. I guess it's just the way some people are. I do have the comfort of knowing that when mom is gone, I will have done everything I could for her. Wonder how my siblings will feel?
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I agree with caringson ... expect nothing.

you have your answer ... they will do nothing but expect everything when she dies.
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I'm in the same boat. Though it is my MIL. Her own daughter decided to move far away so she couldn't help, but feels the need to call me to tell me what to do. My hubby was DPOA until he was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia.
Step Daughter doesn't work, is 2 hours away and says she is soooo busy. But she can tell me what I need to do also.
MIL has a Guardian that was appointed by the court.
I refer my SIL & SD's advice to the Guardian.
I still see my MIL and do things for her. SD and SIL don't understand that I juggle extra care for two people in different households with Dementia.

And they won't help.
I suggested to both of them to come and see MIL.
I find it ironic that they
'know' best but won't participate.

You are awfully young to be a caregiver.
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Enshope Nov 2018
I too, am experiencing a sibling who lives in another state....comes once every two years for about three days and only contributes a tiny amount each month for our 93 year old mother. I have repeatedly asked her to come for two weeks to give me some relief a year but she cannot even do that.
I have heard over and over how her own financial health is so poor, but
she and husband get to go on two vacations a year and have extensive gardens which must cost a fortune in upkeep. She has everything to say about what I should be doing and she intervenes by calling doctors, when she has no idea what is happening.
Meanwhile, my husband and I help support financially and in every other way, my mother who has multiple health issues and some dementia. She is currently in her condo which has a reverse mortgage so she could afford being there. She needs a lot more help now and we can no longer sustain this situation. Because we cannot afford assisted living, we plan on bringing my mother home with us and I converted our dining room on the first floor to an accessible bedroom for her.
It has been very difficult, giving up most of my waking h ours, for my mothers care but since there is no help to be had from my sibling, then I just need to do what has to be done. I hope that I will feel less resentful of my sibling one day and hope you will as well.
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I wouldn't get my hopes up depending on family members. You've got to take control of the situation. Ive taken care of my grandmother for almost 5 years. My husband and I have put huge parts of our lives on hold but I'm not putting her in a home. He works and I stoped working about a year ago as she needed more care. She has 2 daughters and 2 adult granddaughters and we all live in the same city. No one makes an effort to come by to say hello let alone help with anything. Its terrible. My grandmother is a wonderful person and her daughters are living in houses she bought them. Even if they are here and shes voices for something everyone just sits there beacuse she called my name. Ive voiced my frustrations and how I feel they dont care. A few years ago we agreed on a care plan where they helped 1 day a week. It didnt last long before their lives became more important.

I gave up on depending on them for help. Mainly for my own well being. I couldnt take the arguing anymore. Its very hard but ive let most of those negative feelings go. This has been one of the hardest times of my life but caring for my grandmother is very special to me. I love the time we have spent together and I know one day i will be so very thankful I got to be with her. Shes on hospice now and my family knows they are welcome anytime and just how much she enjoys seeing them. Its been 4 days since we have seen anyone. I hope you have better luck with your family.
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I am so sorry about what you are going through. You have a good heart, doing what you already do, for your mother. Is there another close relative like an aunt or cousin who can either help out or reach out to your sisters? They need to be aware of how much you are giving and what they can do to ease your burden.
Sometimes, married sibs with families assume that the caregiving will fall on the single sibling and this is unfair. You have the double whammy of being the only child in the area in which your mother lives.
You could write a letter, itemizing the things you do and then the things they could do to make this a more equitable situation.
Look into day care near your mother's home. They can offer a safe outlet with social activities and usually health care workers on site. Some offer transportation.
Reach out to your mother's house of worship too. Some offer volunteers who will visit or cook meals or even take to appointments.
I hope you find some solutions.
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I doubt your siblings will ever step up. Some people are just not good at providing care. Realizing that will make choices easier. Understanding your mom's needs, as you do, since you are so close to her, means you have to arrange everything, even when you are not providing the rides, etc. Make it clear to your siblings that you know how to care for her, that you are there, and that it is healthy for her to get out of the house and whatever else you do for her. You are only a year into this. My care of my mom was 7 years, with my stay in her house 4 of those years. She eventually needed to go to assisted living, but I found a place close to my home, so I still see her every day and make sure she has what she needs and knows I'm there for her. After a couple years of fighting the issues of her care, I gave in to it and accepted that I was the one to do it, even though I am still working and my brother is retired. He hasn't visited her in 6 months, but lives only 30 minutes away. She doesn't know who he is anymore and that is sad. I watched and helped her take care of my grandmothers and knew back then that this was what was ahead for me. I just didn't expect dementia. My suggestion is to hire more and more home care as time goes on if there are finances for it, so you can have your life, but still offer whatever care is possible for you to give. She'll love for you to tell her about your experiences when hers become fewer and fewer.
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SEE an ATTORNEY! Absolutely see an attorney and review her will, trust, whatever. I was in the same boat for 14 YEARS with neither sister doing anything. If she has assets, start by arranging payment to YOU for what you do, documentation is paramount. This will also allow you to spend down assets before Medicaid will kick in. With my mum it never did and when she died my sisters and I inherited equally, although they did absolutely nothing and I toiled for 14 years. You bet I’m bitter. Please don’t make the same mistakes I did. Protect yourself first.
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caringson12 Nov 2018
100% true. There is no medal for being a "used caretaker." Do what you feel is right and expect no recognition from anyone. It truly is a wonderful lesson and a way to not end up bitter.
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I’m so sorry you feel like your life is on hold and they are responsible. In my family I am the whipping boy and my siblings send directives for me to complete.
My father died three weeks ago and the sibs flew in and took over. Hospice left an unbelievable mess for me to clean up including used syringes on the kitchen island.
We can’t change people.
Only you can make positive change happen.
Look into care facilities that offer daycare. Find help for the weekend. If they will pay let them.
Let your mother’s dementia be a part of your life, but don’t let it rule your life.
As sad as it is to face, eventually your mom will need constant care. If you are growing bitter because of the sacrifice it might be best for everyone to go ahead and make the move sooner.
I don’t count on my siblings for anything other than grief. My parents gave me a lot of lip because I was the oldest and I had to take care of the three little ones. They still expect me to do the heavy lifting.
I hope your situation changes for the best and you move on towards happiness.
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Unless you are involved in the daily care, you don't really know what a person needs. I banged my head for years trying to get siblings to jump in and help. The furthest away with the most on her plate visited quarterly. When things got critical, she took her vacation time from work to come up and help me. The two brothers living within a 45-min drive in the same city (neither are employed) found all kinds of reasons not to even visit but the spouse of one (who does work) recognized when I was burnt out and has come forward with concrete assistance. The two who have been unhelpful have always been self-absorbed. It will be their (and my) turn someday to need care. I will not be there for them; I hope someone else is. I know they will not be there for me.
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Unfortunatelly this is happening all around. I've been through this for about 4 years. And what I have done so far was exactly this. I hired 3 caregivers in the beginning of this year and let them pay the bills. They did not complain until now, lets see.
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Not to be discouraging but you need to accept the fact that they aren’t going to help. Since they seem to be willing to help with expenses I suggest that you hire a full time companion for your mom. This person can be there while you are working and take your mom wherever she wants to go.
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Caring12S:

You stated that your sisters live 2 &1/2 hours away. That is a four hour round trip.

Don't you realize it is unrealistic to expect them to help or visit too often.

It is time, however, to have a family conference about using moms savings and monthly SS for assisted living facility or a nursing home, as others have suggested

If she has no savings, she still has options. There are homes for people who are poor.

Who has control of your mother's finances? If it is solely you, you need to be transparent with your siblings.

I work with families in your situation.

Many times, the real problem is that the caregiver sibling does not want to SPEND mom's savings on her care. Or, they have taken total control of mom's finances and will not allow the siblings to get involved in decisions.

Many times, too, the caregiver sibling lives with mom rent free and they are afraid that medicare will come after the house and they will be displaced, if they put mom in a qualified facility.

You sound overwhelmed and an overwhelmed caregiver is never a good caregiver.

I took care of my grandfather for four years. No one else helped, but I did not care because it was a labor of love to care for him. My parents lived too far away and did not have the time to visit often.

I did not feel overwhelmed.

I had options, as far as assisted living or a nursing home, but it was my choice to care for him in my home. I understood that, and held it against no one that they did not have the energy or desire to care for him at home.

Again, it was my choice.

You have a choice. Contact an elder care attorney to find out what type of benefits are available to your mother. Almost all offer a free consult.

If you have old baggage with your mother, it will make you feel justifiably resentful of having to care for your mother.

If you are resentful, and you do sound resentful, you will not be a able to competently care for your mother.
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Same boat here...

I feel for you, and my 2 siblings are local! Had to put my mom in a NH earlier this year, and they can't "deal" with her questions and seeing her this way... Like it is easy for me! I have always been called "tough" one, not out of choice.... Please don't forget, you are entitled to a life... The guilt will pass, I see my mom twice a week. Some times the visits are good, but mostly not... She blames me for everything, but no one else goes to visit, so I get the brunt of it....

I wish you the best, do what you have to in order to keep mom safe, but don't lose yourself...
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Be thankful they even help out with that. Her bills are no small feet to take care of-believe me. My brothers can't help out at all with my mom. Your life can wait til your Mom goes-that may be a few years so I'd say stop being resentful and accept that your sisters are in the stage of denial. Until they get a grip, get a life and grow up when dealing with your Mom's dementia, there's nothing you can do to help them. Hang in there, do what you can for yourself and keep taking care of your Mom. Good luck.
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I am so sorry you are the chosen one, but know you will be blessed in ways you could not have imagined. In a critical situation as this, there's one of us that does everything as a loyal person should and then the others feel they have no responsibilities. Been there done that. LOVE your MOM unconditionally while you can and expect nothing out of the useless ones! God bless you
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Its a hard situation but you cannot change anyone. Sounds like they are willing financially that's a good step. However need a family meeting if not already. Who has financial DPOA & medical POA?
Decisions need to be made. Is there a will or trust? Maybe get a consult with an elder law attorney it helped me.
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Geesh, it seems there are a lot of us who have family who won't help. I have been my brother's caregiver for 8 years. My brother's off spring will not help me or visit him and my sister lives in Hawaii. His kids say they can't handle it. Like I can!!!

I love my brother and have put my retirement plans on hold. (I'm not a spring chicken either) Some times I do get resentful. When I do - I just don't go up for a few days. His condition is advancing rapidly and he thrives when he gets affection. That kind of settles me down when I am feeling sorry for myself - I just hug him and stroke his head. He is wheel chair bond, but thinks he can walk a marathon. He's good for about 5 steps before he has to sit down and regain his breath.

Is this challenging? Yes. Is it sad he thinks his kids visit him and they don't? Yes Is it a hardship for me to make sure he is cared for properly and taken to his Dr appts? Yes Does he have major medical issues? Yes Do I have to alter my schedule for his? Yes Do I love him and want to continue to give him a little joy in his horrid life? Yes Being a care giver is all of that and then some. I do get support from forums and Dementia groups and that has helped me in a big way. I also went to a 6 week course that the Senior Services provided for caregivers. It helped me understand what my brother is going through and how to best help him. It definitely helped me coop with my feelings. I would highly recommend contacting your local Senior Services and ask if they have such a course or program. Good luck - know you have support.
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If they are not already regularly there with her and helping with her care; they NEVER will be.

Read that^^^ again. I know it's heartbreaking to read that, even overwhelming, but sadly, it's true.

I learned this the hard way. It was very painful to find out that some of my siblings are not who I thought they were for my entire 50+ years of life. All 5 of us siblings live in the same metropolitan area as my mom did; all of us are white-collar professionals with our own families.

Most of my siblings did not have the same sense of responsibility for our mom as I did, some kind of indebtedness, or empathy for our mom and how she wanted to live out her life in her own home, (as long as it was safe for her to do so). She was our parent, the person who gave us life, but they didn't feel enough indebtedness/ appreciation to physically be there in her life when she needed and wanted them there the most...at the end of her life.

If your siblings are only willing/able to help financially, use that help.

They will not change. They will not suddenly start visiting more often, no matter what you say to them. They will not invite her to their homes for any extended stays, because they would have to take care of her physical needs and her safety. They will not change who they are for her. They are not willing to invest their time or their physical effort in her care, only their money.

As much as you love your mother, you have to love yourself more. You are NOT expected to give up your chance at your life, your dreams, by caring for your parent. I would even venture to say that your siblings don't expect it of you, but I'm sure they are thrilled that you volunteered to do it...because they never would have volunteered themselves.

This is a VERY COMMON SITUATION!!!
One, sometimes two siblings bear the physical burden for the caretaking of the parent(s).

Your mother's situation is going to deteriorate and she is not going to become easier to handle and care for as time goes by.

You and your siblings need to develop a long-term plan NOW for her LIFELONG care that does NOT involve YOU as the MAIN caretaker. You need to be assertive and up front with them that, just as they are not physically caring for your mother, you can no longer give up your own life to care for your mother.

Research, discuss, and then decide on a long term plan. Likely involving hiring a 24 hour live-in caretaker, (which your siblings can help pay for).

Once the caretaker is situated, you should start the process of moving yourself OUT of the house while still visiting daily. Slowly removing yourself from the caretaker role to becoming a regular visitor.

When the time comes where she can no longer be cared for at home, she will need to go into a facility that can handle her medical and emotional needs.

I know this is VERY hard to handle, and that you wish things were different, but you need to open your eyes and realize that THIS is the situation you are in. And it will not change, or improve, unless YOU change it.

Your siblings and their actions have already made it very clear how they plan to handle your mother's physical care...they're going to have someone else do it!

If YOU CHOOSE to continue being the main in-home caretaker for your mother, then you can discuss that your siblings can start paying YOU for YOUR time, since they are not willing to be present themselves.

It is YOUR decision on how you live YOUR life. Your siblings are CHOOSING how they live THEIR lives.

Helping with your mother can and should be a PART of your life, but not your ENTIRE life, unless that is your calling.

Tough decisions lie ahead, heartwrenching, but necessary for your mother's care, as well as your own. Nobody wants to see your life destroyed because you overhelped in caring for your mother's.
Keep reading/posting questions here, you'll find answers and also find that you're NOT ALONE in your feelings. We all here have had experiences.
May God bless you.
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