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My mother is 81. She has senile dementia and paranoia. She is very funny about food. She doesn’t want to throw anything away. I found a jar of fermented okra in the fridge and showed it to her and told her I was going to get rid of it. She looked like she had a demon in her eyes and told me to leave her food alone. I put it back. I can tell she’s not eating it but why keep it? And other things to that need thrown out. Stale crackers and other jars I’m afraid to open.

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What do you hope to gain by showing her the spoiled food? You can't reason with dementia, their reality is different from ours and you won't convince her of anything. You already know she is resistant to giving up control, so just surreptitiously sort through and discard things that are spoiled.
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againx100 Jan 2019
Don't ask, don't tell. Items that are unsafe, just get rid of them.
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In the beginning- and actually quite a ways into it - I use to think my mother was just messing with me. Having a laugh at my expense when she’d act in a way or say something that was just so bizarre - it left me stunned - mouth hanging open, jaw dropping stunned. After all - my mom was a smart, smart woman. The smartest woman I have ever known.

If there is one “rule” to follow - one thing you should take to heart - as you are dealing with your aging mother - it’s what cwillie said.

What I have come to call The Golden Rule of Dementia. And, that is: There is no reasoning with Dementia.

Just do what you need to do - be as sneaky as you need to be - in order to keep your mother safe.

If you wait for her to agree with you and/or for her to understand and see things from your point of view - nothing will ever get done.

Dont wait for the Botulism to set in.
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Sunrose, is your profile correct? - Your mother is living in your home?

Your kitchen, your fridge rules I'd say. If your mother wants to keep some of her own speciality items, fine, but you can still insist they have to be within recommended Use By dates.

Or, could you surreptitiously substitute fresh jars of okra, say, or new crackers for the ones that have expired?
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Toss it while she is napping. Better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.
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bettina Jan 2019
Thats what works for me. Dad doesn't have dementia but is kind of a hoarder. And just "whoops, sorry I'll get another one" if he really misses something . There is still some tension but alot less
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Ok, so it isn't just my mother keeping spoiled food in the fridge and she gets mad when I throw it out. But she knows (I think) that the fridge gets cleaned out once a week. If she has old can goods that I know she will eat I will replace them with new ones. If can goods are out-of-date and I know she will not eat it I just throw them out. She doesn't seem to ever miss them. I know it seems mean but she is always buying food that just sits around taking up space. Ugh

I don't say anything to her about it and she doesn't ask!
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I agree with all who say to just toss it out without calling attention to it or saying anything. My mom had canned goods and condiments over ten years old in her pantry and fridge and she constantly bought way more produce and other perishables than she ever eats so constantly rotting food was piling up in the bins in her fridge. Sometimes she would toss the spoiled produce but mainly just because she needed to put more in! She wouldn't let me toss anything if she was looking, so when she wasn't little by little I removed the oldest items and was able to make progress now and then. She also had a large freezer that was full of frozen dinners that were several years old, as she tended to only eat the most recent ones she was buying and replacing. Last year when the estate sale company came in, they went through all the canned items and tossed all cans and bottles of food items except those with dates that weren't past their "Best if used by" dates. That was a huge help! Some of those good canned items sold and the rest was donated to a friend and their family. The issue with my mom was more that she was a child of the Great Depression, and firmly believed it was important to have a stockpile of food in case of emergency so all that food represented security and tossing it, even if spoiled, was akin to a sin.
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Dads the same. In his eyes, its worse than being a serial killer to buy food and waste it. If I leave a crust on my plate he will comment. I think it goes back to the war when everyone had little food.

Then again, I alway remember my dear old gran. Cooked me an omelette when I was a kid. Tasted a bit funny. So I said "Gran are those eggs in date". Her reply "Eggs don;t go out of date".
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I was able to clear out Dad's fridge, but only because there had been a 4 day power outage and he was not there. I am not saying that he would have kept the food in it after the power outage, but it was inarguable. His fridge is immaculately clean at the moment and empty for the next few months. He is living elsewhere for the winter.

He let me clear out one food cupboard last June. There was food with best before dates going back a decade or more in it.

I do not touch the other cupboards, although I know there is food that needs to be tossed.

Dad does not have dementia, he does tend to hoard food. He also can no longer reach the top shelves of cupboards. Perhaps this June I will have permission to clean out another cupboard. I have to use clear garbage bags when tossing anything in his home and ask him about each item.
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My dad was perfectly fine in his head, but his sense of smell diminished as he aged. I could tell the second I walked in the house that there was rotting meat in the refrigerator. He couldn't believe it, but sure enough, I'd open the fridge and there it would be.

Try pointing out to your mom that you can smell the stuff is spoiled. She might be touchy about having a house that smells and acquiesce. That worked with my dad. He actually ended up ruining his refrigerator with the smell of rotting food that won't go away.

That's only if she finds out you're tossing things because I agree with the others to just toss without warning. Above is just if you're caught.
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LightingRod Jan 2019
I'm still laughing over your last sentence re: "caught". That sums up life with my demented mother to the T! I have to sneak around and try to rid her fridge of frightful things without being caught, too!
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If she has Dementia I doubt if she remembers what is in the frig.

I remember visiting my MIL for Thanksgiving. She had bagels in her frig bin from the Thanksgiving before. They were hard. I went thru and found all her bread items in the bin were wayyyyy out of Date. I was going to toss them but husband felt I should at least put them on the counter. She wasn't appreciative but I told her they were not edible. Later she thanked me because it gave her room for TG leftovers. We didn't realize till later this was the beginning.
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