How do I get my mom to realize her hair shouldn't be dyed anymore?

You don't get someone with dementia to "realize" something.

You can gently deflect and put off, i.e., "not now, maybe next week, doctor said to skip for this month".

Why can't she go out to the hairdresser for a cut and dye job?

Mom, they did not have your color in stock at the store this week.,
Mom, Let's wait until next week to do your hair, I am a bit busy today and I want to make sure we have enough time.

Start getting a lighter color so that it blends more easily with her "natural" current color.

If you can get the cut shorter the color will be less important. A Real cute "pixie" and spike it up might give her a new look. (Think Jamie Lee Curtis short gray pixie...now that is a cute cut)

"My brother was with her in another state, but once she became too tough, he decided he had to move. I have been showering her, feeding her, dressing her, cleaning the bathroom multiple times a day,etc.. and still work three jobs. My husband is with her when I am not. She knows I am up more than 20 hours a day trying to do everything,"

How long do you think you can keep going at this pace? THREE jobs? 4 hours/night sleep?

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Is their a rinse for gray hair ? I would google or talk to someone at sally beauty… I like Grandma1954 answer…

I’ve always said I will be that 80 + year old with brown hair… 🤨

Based on what you've said here, your mother's hair being dyed or not is the least of your problems.
I was in homecare for alost 25 years. I speak from experience. When the neediness is at the point where a person literally has to be dressed and fed by someone, it's usually time for placement in a care facility. Or many hours of homecare coming in.
Your brother made the smart choice and got himself out of the care situation before it became too much to handle. You should do the same.
It's not fair to you or your husband to be living this way. Put her in a care facility.
I think caregiver burnout has hit you and your husband hard. You being up 20 hours a day is an exaggeration because no human could sustain that for more than a little while without collapsing, but still your situation has created the perfect conditions for abuse to happen.
You really only have two options here. Either get your mother placed in managed care or homecare. If I were you I'd take take the managed care option. Good luck.

Hi, Your caregiving job is among the extreme end of the spectrum. It certainly doesn't sound like you need that extra task of nails and hair on top of the other things.

Are you able to afford someone that does these things to do a home visit for hair and toes once a month? I'm not an expert in this area, guessing once a month is enough for all women, but to keep your mom happy I thought maybe you can do this.

Sorry you are on the tough end of the caregiving spectrum, i.e a lot of your time, a lot of physical demanding work, I think a lot about people going through this sort of caregiving. Plus you're working 3 jobs, I simply don't know how you can manage it all, even with some help from your husband.

I imagine you're physically exhausted most days. See if someone can help share some of the tasks you do. As other's have said seems like the dying and nail polish is the least of your problems, but I as said if you can afford it once a month, let her do it to keep her happy, it seems what people want for themselves is one of the joys in life, materialist they maybe, but if it makes people happy and within costs, I say do it.

Madonna's song goes: We are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.

Wishing you less work load more relaxation.

You might consider an inexpensive wig if it would make her feel better.

If you develop a plan to find her the best residential care site SHE can afford, BE SURE that there is a fully equipped beauty salon on site.

Instead of dye, your mom could have a toner/rinse. But I'm reading that you are already too overextended. So you can deflect and put it off with compassionate non-truths or maybe have someone come in. Is there a cosmetologist in your area who would do a house call occasionally?

It sounds like you need more outside help coming in, in general.

BarbD25, I don't know if you can let your Mom know that "grey hair" is popular now a days. Even 20 something year olds are dying their hair grey or white. https://whatsupmag.com/health-and-beauty/beauty/is-the-gray-hair-trend-here-to-stay

In assisted living and memory care facilities they usually have beauty salons or someone who comes once a month. You might consider moving your mom to a good facility for you own sake mostly. Even a home caregiver could do these sorts of things for your mom to make her feel pretty, and even more importantly, give you some help. But the dye, no. It ruins hair. My aunt, who is 90 now always dyed her hair black until she was 78. When she let the white grow out she looked way better. She still keeps up the nail polish and makeup. My mom never cared about any of that, except to have a nice short haircut every 8 weeks. Show your mom some pictures similar to how she'll look without the dye or with a gentler rinse. She just might understand. But really, get yourself some help!

You don't 'get mom to realize' anything. You just tell her you cannot possibly add ONE more thing onto your 20 hour day, and/or you tell her you'll do it 'tomorrow' and then when tomorrow comes, you tell her you'll do her hair and nails 'tomorrow' and so on.

Check into Memory Care AL or Skilled Nursing also. There comes a time when killing yourself 20 hours a day winds up killing you before your time, God forbid.

Best of luck.

I LOVE her style. My Mom stopped with any color years ago.
My Dad asked me 5 yrs ago if I could talk to her about it. There was NO talking to her about it.. ;-)
I love seeing 70-90 yr old women with a touch of color...hair/light makeup/nail polish. See what you can do for her.. Consult a hair stylist re: color.. maybe a temporary rinse vs something harsher. The no color look aged my Mom & I think made her more unhappy than she was. I asked her if she would let me apply a touch of color. She responded with anger ...
My Dad, though no hair color or makeup ;-) ..was all about his grooming + personal hygiene up to the bitter end.
Makes you feel more put together..I think..
Bring on the color!

I fully believe that sleep deprivation led to my father's death. He was my mother's caregiver and had no health issues of his own, but he was diagnosed with cancer and died in six weeks after several years of waking up every two hours or less to take my mother to the bathroom.

You can't keep up this pace -- don't try. You'll kill yourself.

My mom was like this with her looks! Very vain. They lived through the ‘Hollywood’ era. The movie stars were so glamorous back then.

My mother wore makeup for cataract surgery! The doctor made her go wash her face. She was upset because the doctor filmed the patients so the family members could watch the procedure in the waiting area.

The ophthalmologist had to explain that it was only the eyes that were shown on the tv screens. LOL 😆

As mom aged. she only left our home for doctor appointments. She still insisted on having her hair done. I found a stylist that would come to my home for her.

We no longer dealt with the hair dye though. Mom had beautiful snow white hair so she wasn’t bothered about dying hers. Mom loved her nails done well into her 90’s! She had a better looking wardrobe than I had too.

I think that I would explain to your mom that you know that she likes looking her best but there isn’t enough time. Tell her that she can pay for a stylist to come to your home if you can find one for her that makes house calls.

That generation didn’t even walk outside to get their mail without makeup on.

You can only do so much for your mom. Do what is important and leave the rest.

This might be a more important and sensitive subject than meets the eye - to look at it from the other end, I've seen miserable, depressed, despairing lady clients be transformed simply by having their hair done.

No matter how tight the perm, startling the colour or haphazard the fringe, the correct thing to say is "wow! You're a different woman!"

Do you have such a thing as visiting hairdressers in your area? If you can get one who'll throw in a manicure and maybe even an aromatherapy hand massage it'll be worth every penny.

To save time during brushing, set her up with some kind of little dressing case or table - just a basic mirror and tray for her brush/comb - placed by her usual daytime armchair and encourage her to complete this task herself independently once she's settled. [We do that a lot, also with gentlemen who thank goodness have electric shavers.]

"She knows I am up more than 20 hours a day trying to do everything..."

Barb, are you up 20 hours EVERYDAY?
Are you trying to die a martyr?

Keep up this pace and you will succeed.

Mom needs to be placed in a facility unless she can afford to hire someone to come in and care for her 24/7.