How do I get my Mom and brother to understand we need someone to help her with errands etc? I work full time; he lives 3 hrs away.

Be careful what you wish for there a lot of financial exploitation going on these days . Back ground checks or nit these people can literally turn your life around in a blink of an eye and also turn your mother against you it happened to me. Your mom depends on you for the important stuff because she solely trusts only you. And that’s a good thing. Her taking brother lunch and running around is her way of keeping his nose out of other issues she doesn’t trust him with. It sounds like she loves you both. Look at it this way there isn’t much more re time with our elderly parents so cherish the time we have even if it the most glamorous job.” Also she should be paying you for your time. If she gets Medicaid or has it they should definitely be paying you for your time. Have you ever discussed these issues with your mom maybe it’s time you do and tell her your true feelings it might help. I bless you it’s knit easy but at least you still have communication and live from your mom . Mine totally turned on me and I’m POA. Good luck it’s late hard job I wish you well

Being she is stubborn on this Matter, You do what you can do on your own clock and let your bro OFFER instead of ever being asked or not Asked..Easily solved.

She can no longer be the one in control. See if her town's Council on Aging's elder case worker and social worker can talk to her.

Is there a council on aging van that she can learn to use? My mom didn't see the need, but I encouraged her to try it. Soon, she was comfortable enough to use it to go to the local hair salon and to the nursing home that my dad was in. Just that little bit helped her feel more independent and it helped ease the number of times that I had to help. I still took both to doctor/dentist appointments, lunches out, and all errands imaginable. But the van was helpful and cheap and the driver was kind. The other thing I did was hire a home health aide to assist mom. At first she wasn't open to it and frankly, the first person who arrived at the home didn't work. The second person was a dream and proved to be sooo helpful over the next four years. While testing out the home health aide situation, I stayed with mom to help her feel more comfortable, help develop a list of tasks that she needed help with and to assess whether the person was a good fit for mom. This person helped with household tasks, cooking, and occasionally purchased bread or milk (I lived about a 30 minute drive away.) Over time, she came to develop good friendships with her caregivers which again, took some of the pressure off of me as I was trying to balance my life and immediate family needs with caring for my dad (in nursing home) and my mom (at home). To make a long story short, don't ask her. Just do it. But do it with her at first.

She relies on you for errands because that is the way you got all this going. It is what she is used to. For groceries, do you have any local stores that do delivery? That's one errand that can be delegated. Big box items can also be ordered and delivered right to her front door and make it easier on all involved (washing detergents, diapers, toilet paper, paper towels, etc and will allow you to have plenty of stock on hand),

As for relatives in the area, ask first if they can do dr appts here and there. Make the appts and coordinate with the agreeable relative(s) and don't tell mom until just before they are to arrive to pick her up. Tell her you can't get off and Aunt Sue is on the way to tak her. You can do the same with an agency who can take her to an appt or an errand. Don't tell her in advance - wait until they are nearly in the driveway. That way she doesn't have days and days to fret over it. Don't involve the unreliables at all.

They will understand when you stop doing so much. My mom lived 1.5 miles from me, my brother 20 min. away. I don’t work, but at the time was homeschooling 3 kids. She is now in a nursing home.

Other than Dr. appointments, I stopped doing so much. I was almost spending as much time at mom’s as I was at home! So she had no choice but to hire someone to come in a few hours every day. I still went to Dr. appointments.

could it be about money ? agency help is $25 to ? an hr.

Find an agency to do what needs doing so you are prepared. Decide what you are personally still willing to do and how many hours you are willing to spend. Half day a week? Whatever. And inform both of them what you will be doing and not doing. And stick to your guns because if you waffle, they will continue to take advantage. You get to live your life and do what you want. Not what your mother wants. Too bad that your brother lives far away. Does not make it your job. If she says no, then fine. Tell her she needs to figure out a solution that does not involve you being at her beck and call.

Mum & Brother probably DO understand 'we need someone to help her with errands'. And that someone is YOU.

Without being nasty, they may we'll see it but as you are there, doing it all & doing a good job... well.. what's to change? This suits them fine.

But it doesn't suit you so speak up - it has to work for ALL of you.

I speak from experience after *helping out* became a *slippery slope* that ate my free time, then one workday a week, then weekend time too, then my head space.

It was like a collection of symptoms (need shopping assistance, appointment assistance, cleaning, bill paying etc etc). All together the *diagnosis* was she couldn't look after herself anymore. Real choices for a plan;
1. Get a team of helpers
2. Move to where a team is (ie AL).

Using me as a team of 1 was NOT working for me & obviously not sustainable.

Many chats ensued. But as I was still the easy/preferred option - no change. As other have said - put in your own boundaries. That is how my situation changed. Not all huffy like no no no but just speak the plain truth. "I work all week so you will need a team of helpers".

Please avoided the fall down the slippery slope - the further down, the harder up!

Your brother has a long day, 3 hours each way, when he visits your mother. This was the same timetable for my husband and his mother in AL. It wrote off a full day every time, and wasn’t easy. Naturally he wanted to spend the time with his mother, not heading off to do jobs and leave her alone.

However brother doesn’t have to do the shopping in your town. Work out how to get the shopping list to him in advance, so he can bring things with him. I'm two hours away from the supermarket and have good cool bags so I can get even the frozen food home safely. Get your mother’s head (and her cupboards) organised so that you can see well in advance what she will run out of. Many posters have said that the person they care for actually arranges for emergency purchases so that they get more company with deliveries as well as the sense of power they want. You may still get stuck with the appointments, but you may be able to cut down your load. Try working out how brother can help more easily within his own timetable.

JoAnn, you make a good point about a job being affected by caregiver time.    Interestingly, I once interviewed with an elder law firm, and one of the questions asked was the status of my parents, and how I would handle caregiving.   I don't recall what I said, finessing on my answer, but it was clear that time off for parental care would not be met with approval.  

Obviously I didn't follow up and express any further interest with that firm.

And on a related issue, when I learned from my sister's oncologist that she was in a terminal state, the OM of the law firm at which I was then working told me to take off all the time I needed.

Set your boundaries, say no to whatever you do not want to do. This is your fault, not hers, she is getting away with what you let her. Stop condescending to her and tell her that if she want so and so done, she will have to hire someone or your brother needs to do it.

Your mom should hire someone to help her. Your brother lives 3 hours away, it’s unreasonable to expect him to relieve your burden. Your mom needs to hire someone to take care of the things she can no longer do yourself.

You talk to your brother. Ask him to take some of the burden off. Explain u work fulltime and can't do everything for Mom. You no longer can take off time from work because its effecting your job. Ur employer has mentioned ur taking too much time off. And really, that personal/vacation time needs to be for you.

When my Mom stopped driving I set up one day a week for shopping and errands. Living in the same town, I could pick up her prescriptions when I was out. I worked a week on and a week off. So appts needed to be made in my off week. I found with one Dr. she was going every two months. Even the Nurse questioned why Mom was there. I told her "if he asks "so why are u here" the every two months will stop. He did, Mom stopped going unless she was sick or needed a new prescription for a med. Unless an emergency, I did things in my time. Other Drs, once her numbers were stable they allowed Mom to come 1x a year.

I now have a disabled nephew and a grandson with epilepsy. Both depend on us for transportation. Both call and tell me what they need. If I am not doing anything, I or DH will take them where they need to go. If I am going out later, I take them then. All appts are run by me. I tell them when I am going on vacation so they can plan around it. I am doing them a favor. That may sound harsh, but I get overwhelmed if I have too much coming at me. I do better planning ahead.

Get Mom a magnetic white board. Tell her to make a list of what she needs before she runs out. Because, you are no longer going to be at her beck and call. Call your Office of Aging and see what resources are available. Mine has buses for shopping and appts. Just need to give them 48 hrs to put u on the schedule. Mom needs to be as independent as possible. What if something happened to you?

Ah, the old "male time is more valuable than female time", so the male in the family gets a pass at participation.   I've heard that before.

Think about marshalling the assets you have, and although it may not seem so, your mother's friends are playing a valuable role in providing social interaction.  

I would make a list of all that you do, consider how much your brother can do when he visits, and open a dialogue with him on how he can help out.  The fact that your mother doesn't feels his time is too valuable is irrelevant in sharing the tasks, but don't tell that to either of them.

Don't ask, just tell him that she needs support and you can't provide it.   If he's inheritance oriented, you might casually mention that having to pay for care will diminish her assets, now, and at her passing.

You might also try an alternate approach: your health is declining and you've been advised to get help for her.  She nor your brother can challenge what she/he can't verify, so you can alter your health situation as needed.   And add in a few "my doctor said I need to cut back on errands and rest more, so I can't  do (a,b,c)."

Start backing off on the errands, citing your health, and gently inferring what might happen if you became less healthy and ended up hospitalized.  If/when she asks how errands will be done, suggest that they precede or follow a lunch or social gathering with her friends.  

I think it's important for someone knowledgable about a parent's health to accompany the parent to critical medical appointments so the caregiver can ask questions and be current on the elder's health.   That could also be your brother, when he comes to visit, but think of what you do around her house that he could do on his visits.

There was only one time I relied on someone else for medical appointments, and it was only for podiatric maintenance.   The drivers were friends of my father, but didn't need to know anything about other medical conditions.  And, it was a social event for him.

That's another potential for integrating her friends for noncritical appointments that aren't diagnostic or issue specific.   She and her friends can use it as opportunities for luncheons.

What I'm basically suggesting is integrating her friends and social activities to substitute for some aspect of the care you provide.

You cannot change them, but you can change your own behaviours.

Put boundaries in place. Your plans come first, if Mum asks for a ride, during work hours, tell her no, you have to work, you can no longer afford to take time off. As long as you are at her beck and call, there is no reason from her point of view to pay someone to help out. So stop being available.

You set the day time you are available, not the other way around. Your time is valuable too.

If she misses an appointment it is on her not you.