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We went to check out an adult day care I didn't tell him where we were going b/c he would not have gone. They said I could bring him any time m- f and I would like to but I have a fear he will try to leave with me, or try to run away or get violent he is always at my side, even when I go to the bathroom he comes to find me. If he doesn't see me he even looks out side. If he gets mad he trys to run away,walks down St but comes back. I have wrist band. But mostly I'm scared what he will do. He has never hit me or any one. But lately he draws his fist up and he has pushed me.

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Becky, firstly I am sorry you have this situation. Secondly, I want to congratulate you for looking at your options.
'Shadowing' behaviour is apparently #1 reason for caregivers stress - the pressure can be relentless yet many caregivers stop looking for alternatives to help :(

As your husband gets familiar with the daycare place & staff, he will gain trust in them. That's the goal.. to get there a few steps may be needed.

1. Consult the Doctor. A little pill for mood can go a long way. Not to 'zombie' as some may claim - but to take the edge of any anxiety. Separation anxiety is a real thing.
2. Stay awhile. You may need to stay for a cuppa & chat too, for 30mins or so. So he picks up on your vibes - that this is a safe place. Sneaking out once he is engaged may be suggested? Or be upfront & tell him you have a haircut or some groceries to get & will be back soon. Ask staff what usually works.
3. Time. Every Monday (or whatever day) we go to see Name & Name for a cuppa. Make it routine. Don't discuss too much beforehand. Just keep the morning rolling along, get dressed, into the car, here we are for that cuppa.
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Becky45 Feb 2022
Thank you all this is new to me. I did take care of my step b mother. Till she died. But I placed her in NH there for 5 years. Also she was 89 when she died
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Another vote for having him evaluated for medications. The right ones in the right dosage and combinations can help his anxiety. This is not only merciful to you but to him, since he can no longer bring about a peaceful mental state on his own.

My friend's wife with ALZ was Shadowing him to the point of causing him to drink. He very resistant to asking for outside help. She was questioning him relentlessly while on his computer and checking his phone (paranoia). Finally he hired a companion aid/nurse. She didn't like it at first but gradually warmed up and then eventually enjoyed their time together. Don't give up if taking him to ADC (adult day care) is difficult at first. Hang in there and take care of yourself!
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Thanks I do have him on quetiapine (sarosuel) 3x day. This helps with his mood swings and helps him and me sleep. My husband can't talk plain very much , he's good at saying no and don't.its so hard to understand him. He's having sundowing (which I learned about on this app. Love this) I usarly tell him ok. I read yesterday about how to make rooms brighter, it help!
Thanks for everyone's help
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Generally the staff at an Adult Day Care are used to this and will help keep him engaged while you leave.
You can tell him that they "need him" to do something.
Teach someone how to do -------. or
They need someone to help sort books. or
Whatever he did for work they need that type of help...
I am concerned about the frustration he seems to be showing.
If he does that at Day Care they will not keep him.
Have you discussed this with his doctor? Is this a new or increasing behavior? If so it needs to be brought to the doctors attention ASAP.
You need to make sure that you are safe at home.
One of the decisions I mad when I said I would keep my Husband home was...
If it ever became unsafe for ME to care for him at home I would have to place him.
If it ever became unsafe for HIM for me to care for him at home I would have to place him.
If he pushes you and you fall down you can be severely injured, and not even going to think if you happened to be near a flight of stairs. He obviously is not going to intentionally hurt you but he has no control over the logic side of his brain. He is going to react just as a 2, 3, 4 year old might. Difference is if a 20 pound child pushes you VS a 250 pound man pushes you.
Please discuss the behavior with his doctor.
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Becky45 Feb 2022
thanks, this is a worsting condition I have Dr apt set for 26 the. Hoping he can help.
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Ask the adult day care what they do for shadowing behaviors. Is there a supervised time-out room?
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Oh, he too doesn't like me on phone (thinks I'm talking about him) or computer which is in his office he use to use.
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Beatty Feb 2022
Oh gosh! Yes that is paranoia.

My Mother doesn't like Dad on the phone long & she wants to be told everything that is being said. I think hers is more anxiety based- FOMO (fear of missing out).

I hope once your husband goes to daycare you can make some calls in peace. Keeping up social contacts for yourself IS important.
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Up date on husband. I took him to ADC Friday. (4 hrs) Then went shopping. I was so worried but they said he did ok. He cried, thought I wasn't coming back. He was so happy when I got back. I am taking him again Tuesday. I hope he will stay. It was nice to be by myself.
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