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Hi everyone.


I am a caretaker for my grandparents in their late 80s.


My grandmother has dementia. She is constantly asking why she no longer has a computer, or why her cell phone changed to a simplified version.


She was neglecting to pay bills, falling prey to scams such as "proprietary" health news subscriptions, "miracle cures" etc.


It breaks my heart because the computer was a link to the outside world for her and I don't know what to tell her on days when her dementia is good and she is self-aware and truly mystified as to why her world has changed. Though other days she is not aware that any such changes have been implemented.


Does anyone have any insight on how to communicate to her gently that she has been having some slight changes in memory so that I can diffuse some of the understandable anger and resentment that her belongings were taken, and her responsibilities transitioned?


I ask because on days that she's sharp and self-aware, she feels like there's a maligned collusion toward her to push her into isolation which is not the case, I assure you, and I'm the only one in the family who cares to try and make an effort to soften the blow of that realization.


Anything helps! Thank you!

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I let Moms doctor tell her. But, this doesn't mean she will remember. You may have to tell little white lies. But then u may have to answer the question every day every day.
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Geaton777 Jan 2020
JoAnn, I like this solution...I'm wondering if a doc's office would actually be willing to write it in a letter to her on their stationery, then one could bring it out for the LO to read when they forget?
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I'm not clear with her living situation, is she living with you? Why can't you let her use the computer on her better days, with supervision?

As for her questions, this is where the therapeutic fib comes in: gee grandma, we had to take the computer in to get fixed and it isn't ready yet. The phone came with the new phone plan, it is supposed to be easier to work and was a much better deal.... The idea is to give whatever answer sounds reasonable and will satisfy her for a while, but of course she will keep asking because she won't remember.
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Willpower, I have read your profile and see that you are a younger man trying to care for your grandparents. It would be helpful to know if they are living by themselves in their own home or with you, or if you are living with them.

But there's a larger issue for you, which is what you realistically want to/are able to do for them. Dementia/cognitive and physical/health issues will just keep increasing, and often there will be decline on every front, almost daily as they lose abilities to do what they used to do. IMO you can help them get transitioned into a care community (like assisted living or a nursing home) but you will first need to have a very clear picture of what their finances are. If you do not have durable Power of Attorney for them, and if they are resistant to revealing this info to you (which is quite common), your ability to help them will be limited and needlessly difficult.

Is your grandfather in better cognitive condition than your grandmother? If so, you can try to have the conversation with them that you can't be their caregiver and they need to have a plan in place. You can offer to help with certain things (and you will need to put up boundaries for this). Not sure how this conversation will go. If they both seem to have cognitive issues, and you do not have PoA for either of them, there is really only one other pathway for them and that is for you to get social services in to assess them for in-home services and allow the county to eventually take guardianship of them so that they will get taken care of. Even if they were willing to compensate you, it wouldn't be enough and it is a very stressful job that ties you 3 together for a long time without much career/financial reward and the risk of the stress having a negative health impact on you. Please read some of the thousands of posts on this forum under Caregiver Burnout from the children and grandchildren of loved ones for whom they tried to provide care.

If your grandparents have some financial means (more than just their social security checks) and at least one of them has all their mind, you could help them look into arranging a professional Power of Attorney (usually an attorney) to take care of their needs.

Caregiving often begins in small increments: some yardwork here, some grocery shopping there, bringing a meal, driving them places, finding out the bills aren't being paid, one of them falls and breaks a hip -- and before you know it you are heroically and desperately trying to juggle flaming balls but catching fire as you do. don't envy you having to make whatever decision you settle upon, but you are too young to take this fully upon yourself alone. Blessings!
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Redirect, change the subject.
Don't try to tell her. Either she won't remember or she'll be angry you suggested it.
For example, "where's my computer" ---"Grandma did you get enough to eat for lunch? "
"Why does my cellphone look like this?" ---"Grandma is trashday on monday?"

Sometimes a white lie can get you there faster but it depends what you're comfortable with. "Where's my computer?" ----"It broke, so I took it to be fixed"
"why's my cellphone look like this?"----"The plan was cheaper"
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Karen51 Jan 2020
I’ve been redirecting and changing the subject. Now I’m getting accused of that-which is true but how come she can remember the redirections and not the actual answers/reasons!
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I've tried to explain to my mom that her brain just doesn't work the way it used to, that it is different and it isn't her fault. She knows she has dementia, but doesn't seem to understand quite what that entails. She used to be under the impression that it would get better with time but must have come to some realization that it won't because she has stopped asking when she can come home. She will not accept that she has misplaced something - it has always been "stolen." She will not admit to making up stories of things that never really happened - "she is NOT a liar- everyone else is lying." At first I would try to reason with her but it only frustrated both of us, so now I just nod and smile or if on the phone say "oh, yes, I know."

I've seen a lot of ads for the Grandpad. Is that something you think she could use rather than a computer?
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marymary2 Jan 2020
Thank you for summarizing. After being accused (falsely) of stealing and lying by my mother, it helps to read that it's "normal". If only she would not have said it to so many people that don't know her. I'm afraid they believe it.
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Willpower, I think that it is a losing battle and a potential war to tell someone that doesn't know that they are slipping mentally.

My dad refuses to believe it and when family has said that I told them that he has some dementia I was called a fning liar. I just let it go.

When I get questions from the dementia I just say I don't know, I can check into it or I make noises of acknowledgement and promptly forget the grumping.

Learning to not answer a question is challenging, learning to tell lies is challenging and seeing an elder deteriorate right before our eyes is challenging. It is a brutal disease for everyone involved.

Can I recommend that you start getting resources together for the time that you can no longer care for her in home. It will help you feel less overwhelmed, this is one situation where knowledge is power.

Edit: there are different kinds of dementia and different stages to each and they are not mutually exclusive, she could have more than one kind. The only thing anyone really knows is that it will get worse and just when you think that you have something figured out, the disease progresses and you are at ground zero again. Tons of helpful information here but I think that we would mostly all agree that it is an individual journey and you just have to try until you find what works best today, because tomorrow could be different. It is really hard in the beginning because they are themselves so often that you wonder if you are the one losing your mind.
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This is the hard part of dementia - seeing your LO's memory slip and they come to wrong conclusions. I don't recommend lies, but softer, acceptable reality of the truth. Maybe tell her that her computer doesn't work (in reality the computer doesn't work for her situation) and that this cell phone is much easier and less expensive (and less temptation to download apps or spend money). You could let her "use" your computer when you are home so she can "check in" but tell her that she can't spend any money on your computer.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
I am cracking up. Don't lie, use softer truth, a lie by any other name is still a lie.
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I feel I have experienced what all the previous people have said. Having an expert tell them their short-comings when you can is best, because you are going to have enough battles down the road. A doctor did tell mom she had probable Alzheimer, she turned to me and said "You brought me here, just, to tell me that." I told her I took her, because there are a number of possible reasons for the cognitive decline, I was seeing. I happened to answer the phone when the doctor's office called saying she failed her driving test. I should have told them to schedule an appoint to tell her directly. She has never forgiven me for losing her license. So, even though she knew, she avoided it. I was not to use the word Alzheimer in her presence. Go to the bank and have them tell her, they have concerns about her finances, if they are willing to do that. I am now dealing with my MIL, who is denying any cognitive issues. She fabricates frequently.
As someone mentioned, it is incomprehensible how they can't think clearly at one moment and can make a rational excuse for their actions at another moment.
Experiences that have intrigued me: 1) Mom was unable to do ADLs by herself, and was incontinent. I wanted to lay flat on her back because she had abdominal pain. She could not do it. Finally, I said, "We don't need to do this!" She replied, "You are angry with me" (They are very good at picking up emotional cues). Me: "No, I just wish you could do what I ask." Her: "You know I would if I could"
2) Several years later and declined significantly, She asked my father if he was her father. Being HOH, he asked "What?" I quickly interjected that it was time to go to her Memory care facility. As we walked to the car she said "You know, I miss my Dad. I miss everything. Everything is such a mess!"
3) Mom is now mostly nonverbal, and sleeps most of the time. My Dad said in front of her "Too bad she has no idea what is going on." I told him that I do not agree with that. I believe there are times she is aware, and a good chance it is more often than I realize. I looked at her and tears had weld up in her eyes. When Dad took her hand she squeezed his hand as hard as she could and growled at him. I am sure she was trying to tell him she was angry for what he had said. When he kissed her good-bye, she giggled like a school girl. So do not write her off at any point.
I found the book 'Still Alice' very true to what I was experiencing at the time. It left me in a funk for several weeks, but I am glad I read it.
Look for the blessings in this long difficult journey.
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When my dad was still living and his Alzheimer’s was getting worse he said to me one day “ sometimes I think I’m going crazy.” I just told him that he wasn’t crazy, his brain had a disease, that was why he would feel that way. He actually was very relieved to hear that and was happier the rest of the day. Your grandmother on her better days is voicing that same concern in her way. You can tell her the same thing. I think using the word disease is much more acceptable to a person with dementia. I can tell you
that I fear getting Alzheimer’s and I’m sure dad did also, so I just gave it a different name for him.
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You've taken her computer away? Have you told her that, and why?

I hope you are doing what you're doing on good authority. Are you your grandparents' POA? How's your grandfather's state of health?

Given your complex and challenging family background, I think anyone on the forum would suggest you start researching continuing care facilities where your grandparents can live together, and at the same time research what funding and support they're eligible for. Doing this alone, even if there weren't so many emotional pitfalls, would be - an awful lot to ask of one young person.
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Give her back her computer. Put a "child guard" on it if you're worried about scams and make sure she has no credit cards on it. But give her back her computer.
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I would return her computer with extensive controls on it so she feels less isolated. Have you thought about involving her physician in on the conversation regarding her memory? Or perhaps a trusted friend or if she belongs to a church, synagogue or other religious institution, her religious leader? Or even other family?
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It can be frustrating to not be able to get our LO's with dementia to understand why things are a certain way, but, eventually it happens. She may seem like she might be capable at times, but, she likely wouldn't be able to process the reasoning behind the safety aspects, etc. And, if she did, it would be soon forgotten. I'd try to figure out the benefit vs. the risks. She likely isn't able to keep using the computer. For me, it would be too large of a risk, because, even with no credit card information, she could get a sudden surge of memory on a good day and provide someone online with her dob and ss# or address. Then, forget she did it. Can you enrich her life in other ways, like senior day center or visitors? People with dementia do better with supervised activities than left on their own to initiate.

It's nice to try to be kind, but, easing people into them having dementia is often not possible. They often refuse to accept it and even if you tell them, they are scared, confused and not able to process it. And, finally, they will forget it all eventually. I'd try to line up the help you're going to need now. It can happen suddenly and it's very stressful.
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LesleeCares Feb 2020
It is possible for her family caregiver to simply set "parental controls" on the computer without her grandmother knowing. This safeguards her exposure to sites which can scam her. No need to remove the computer.
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Hard if not impossible sometimes. My mom passed away last year never acknowledging that she had any issues even though she'd been diagnosed with ALZ years before her death (of other cause). She insisted that she was fine, just tired, and that my brother who is a doctor "forced" her PCP to put in the diagnosis. She was constantly scammed by organizations to which she made donations, for example forgetting that she'd already made a (large) contribution. The head of one of the organizations, knowing mom had dementia, suggested just three weeks before her passing that mom provide in her will that she give his organization a percentage of her estate. Fortunately, mom's estate attorney knew she was incompetent and did not make the change...

In any case, there are people who recognize that they're having memory issues, and others that will make excuses for their deficits rather than accept even a medical diagnosis.

I wish you luck. It is much easier if the person is willing to acknowledge the issue and accept treatment, if only to delay for a while a further decline.
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My husband has Anosognosia and thus is unaware he has a problem. I have given up trying to suggest otherwise. I have alerted people we interact with most frequently which has reduced my anxiety a lot. I truly believe he is unaware and have concluded his state is more a concern for me than him. I work hard trying to make our life as anxiety-proofed as possible but it is tough. He gave up driving on his own and reads a lot. My challenge is to keep him in books he can understand. I guess this is the easy part because he still recognizes me and is willing to do things I arrange for us. Still there is no way he can be convinced something is wrong and I remain something like a spring—ready to unwind. My mother had
AD too but this time around is completely different.
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I looked into information on the GRANPAD as mentioned by a previous poster, and found it to be a very good option for many seniors, as it has built in safety features that are controlled by the family administrator who would be YOU, and would protect her from spammers and RIP offs that might be taking advantage of her. Check it out, if the computer is very important to her, it might be just the ticket for her to continue using modem technology and keep her in the loop with SET family and friends. Google it, it's very Cool for just 200 plus 40/month, and No issues with her needing to remember log in codes and such. I had never heard of it before, but was super impressed! It has loads of great features to keep her entertained and allow your family to keep her feeling loved!
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with my mom I had somewhat the same problem. on days that she was aware of or "normal" as I called it, I brought out her computer and played it with her till she got tired. on days that she was in another
world ( I called that her wack-a-do-days) if she asked for it I told her remember it needed to be repaired so I brought it to the repairman. it will be back soon.
with my mom I played cards, watched tv game shows, even did puzzles when she was good. we laughed and cried together. I learned to love her more than I ever did before.
I also told mom the truth that she had a disease called dementia and that is why her mind wonders more than other days. no matter what you tell her she will forget it. with dementia you either tell them the same thing over and over again or you suck it up and sometimes some people just blow up .

you know that her health is declining and it breaks your heart. there is nothing you can do about it except to talk, laugh and love each other as much as possible until the end. she will remember the love and laughter she had with you and you will remember the love you got back.....
I know I did it for years with both of my parents sick at the same time. they died three weeks apart. I do not regret one minute of it.....the memories will be there forever.........
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xrayjodib Jan 2020
Thanks lizzy1952,
I have been really struggling with the decision of whether or not to move my Aunt closer to me.
I realized last night that by moving her from California to Montana with me, I could at least make her remaining years beautiful. No one else seems to understand.
Your post gives me hope!
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Although my Aunt no longer has "good days ", when we have a serious discussion with her we write it down and have her sign and date it. It still causes some grief, but seeing her own signature, she has a hard time denying that we have discussed certain issues.
Having said that, she doesn't remember 2 hours later.
Research "therapeutic Fibs".
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LesleeCares Feb 2020
This is excellent advice. I'm a professional caregiver and I currently have a client with Lewy Body dementia and Parkinson's. His wife insists on correcting him with the truth. For example, he looks at a picture of his childhood home and he tells his wife that he wants to "go home." She always replies, "That is the house that you grew up in. Many years ago it burned down. Ok honey?" This is selfish on her part because instead of stepping into his reality as a comfort to him, she insists he stay in her reality. She is trying to "keep him" and not let him "go" further away from her as his dementia progresses. As her husband's professional caregiver I don't if I should gently inform her of the necessity of "therapeutic fibbing".
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Give her back her computer, but alter it with child failsafes.
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I took my step mother to the Neurologist, the first question they asked her was "Do you sometimes forget things"? Her answer was no! Well, I had provided an outline of what was going on with her, and that answer couldn't have been further from the truth! I just sat there and smiled, I didn't know what else to do. It went downhill from there.

The results from this meeting and her MRI, she has Front Temporal dementia. I thought she was in denial, but I have now learned that she also suffers from Anosognosia, so she doesn't realize that she has a problem.

No sense is saying anything to her about it, she doesn't get it. I just try and remain patient and roll with it.
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I wonder if ‘brain disease’ would go down better than ‘dementia’. You could say that the symptoms come and go. You could find enough medical jargon to use to explain the ‘brain disease’ without making ‘dementia’ obvious.
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Don't correct them, it won't help, it may even set them back mentally. My relative stopped talking after I corrected her. That was so sad. She never spoke again.
Tell her the computer has a virus and needs to be repaired, but you don't have time to take it in at the moment.
I actually like the idea of putting safety measures on it, like you do with a child.
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