How do I fix my relationship with my mom?

No one has the power to change anyone else’s behavior. So, give up on the idea of ‘fixing’ it.

Can you share just a little bit more information please? Do you own a home or she owns the house? Do you rent and both names are on the lease?

I know that the cost of living is high these days and many people need roommates in order to be able to afford their living expenses.

The problem is that living with family members, especially parents can complicate our lives. I understand. My mom lived in our home for many years. It can be stressful at times.

Does your mom have any medical issues? Are you her caregiver or do you just live together for practical reasons?

I am sorry about your mom’s expectations from you and your daughter. Have you spoken directly with her about how this bothers you?

Do you want to continue to live with your mother? Or would you rather that you had a place for just you and your daughter? If you lived in a smaller place could you afford to live alone? What compromises would you make to have your own place?

You say that you can write a book. What are you troubled by the most?

"she wants me to be in her mood". But you aren't. So..?

I'm not sure I quite understand what you want or need?

You may want Mom to change, but that's up to her.

I do know my energy gets drained by certain people - so I try to limit exposure to them.

Do you need less time together? Or a standard reply you can use eg "Mom, you can feel however you feel. I'm a separate person to you, so naturally I have my own feelings."

You need to be honest about your needs in an calm and adult way, and hope that she can do the same. So for example if you come home from work and she's wanting attention you tell her you've had a bad day and want some alone time until supper instead of gritting your teeth and reacting like your teen aged daughter would. Work on setting concrete boundaries - it's more effective to say mom, I'm going to chill alone in the kitchen for an hour while I make something to eat, I'll join you later than to start an argument or to grit your teeth and try not to react to her every word and her very presence. Calling or texting ahead might be helpful.

Three women in the household, mother daughter dynamics, two of you used to being the queen bee of your own homes - it probably feels like the you are subject of a sociology term paper.😉

Some things can't be fixed, such as co-dependent relationships that feed off of one another's moods. While it sounds logical on paper to split bills and save money by cohabitating, the reality of everyday life can turn into a nightmare in short order, making you question your decision in the first place. My mother would have driven me insane immediately and I knew that, so IL and then AL was the plan.

At 72, you mom can easily live 2 more decades, although you don't say what health issues she suffers from. You know YOU will suffer from some of your own, along w your daughter, if the situation isn't remedied, so what is your plan moving forward? I suggest you help mom find a senior apartment of her own where she can have autonomy and you can all find peace again, which you deserve. I grew up w mom's mom living in our home and it destroyed my childhood. Had mom been willing to recognize the toll their dysfunctional relationship had on ME, she'd have made other living arrangements for grandma. I'm not saying this to be mean or to upset you, but to give you a possible perspective from the teenagers point of view. Have a heart to heart talk with your DAUGHTER and go from there. You are not a bad daughter yourself for putting her first.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.

You do not mention any diagnosis in your profile or your post.
There is a BIG difference in You and your daughter living WITH her or your mom living with you.
Who is on the title to the property where you live? Who's name is on the tax bill? If mom's name is on the title, if mom's name is on the tax bill YOU live with her she does not live with you. It does not matter if you split the bills.
If mom is cognizant, If mom has no medical conditions that cause her to need a caregiver then you and your daughter move out.
Save until you have enough to move into a place of your own.
I can tell you that if this is not a good living situation and possibly a toxic one your daughter will move out as soon as she is able to. (might only be 2 years from now)
This will leave you with mom being a caregiver possibly for the next 20 or 30 years.
If mom has dementia or conditions that require a caregiver 24/7 you need to make sure that you are able to do what you need to do to protect yourself if you can no longer care for her. Do you have POA? (for health as well as finances)
Are you listed on medical forms for HIPAA regulations? If not if she is take to the hospital legally, unless she signs a waiver they legally can not inform you of her condition. If you do not have POA if it becomes dangerous to care for her if you have to place her in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing you would have to become her Guardian in order to make decisions. A long, expensive procedure.

Hopefully its your house. I have a moody daughter. When she is in a bad mood, she stays to herself. So thats what Mom needs to do. Because she is moody does not mean u need to be too. And if you want to be alone, you should be aloud to. I have a den I go off to. Maybe your bedrooms can be ur sanctuaries. Have a chair and TV in there.

Look at your living together as roommates. Each one of you having a life if your own where each other is not invited into. What Mom needs to realize is if she is in a bad mood, everyone else is not obliged to be. When she gets like that, point her to her room. You all need lives of your own. Mom needs to find her own life. Its not yours or daughters responsibility to make her happy. And you make sure you have a life. Mom does not need to be involved in everything you do.

I don't get it - someone expects someone else to be in their mood? Is this a new thing? Have I missed something all my life? Some kind of moodfulness?

I've noticed that when we're around other happy people, we tend to feel happy too. When we're around depressed people, sometimes it's a struggle not to feel depressed right along with them.

I can't imagine feeling depressed and wanting others to feel like I do! Or joyful, but a roommate's dog just died, so I expect her to feel joyful right along with me but she can't, and then I get mad. Ummmm, what?

If there's anything we should feel entitled to, it's our own emotions and authentic selves.

I don't think most families have this rule. Maybe mom could live with a roommate closer to her own age who won't let her dominate and control her feelings.

My mom …my whole life accused me of being too happy!! She accused me of “Not normal”..her depression and roller coaster moods kept her unhappy and always wanting more. I learned through counseling..it is NOT my job to keep her happy. My job is to be sure she is safe and has meals. Assisted living does that. I am back to feeling happy again. I can not and will not continue my lifetime of trying to make her happy…took me to 70 yrs old to learn that…she is 90….good luck..

hi. Err, does she have a medical reason for the mood swings? Do you think it should be looked into? Even if she’s been this way “all her life”. I know There’s a good chance she may not cooperate even so but it’s worth looking into.

is there “no talking to her”? A heart to heart has got to take place at some point.

a truism - nothing changes if nothing changes. And if she doesn’t change, then you have to change. And you changing will change the dynamics.

one way is more acceptance. I resented caring for and giving up my life but when I truly accepted the reality of the situation it got better; and I was better with them and others.

you don’t have to deliberately “be mean” but sometimes in putting your foot down for the best it looks mean. Know the difference and be good.

i read once where a lady had a sourpuss friend and one day she just started changing the situation. When she started complaining, she took her out for a walk. Started engaging her in more positive activities. does she have any friends you can support her getting together with?

it’s hard. But another on this thread is right-you need to think of the effects this is having on your daughter too.

don’t give up. Good for you for reaching out. Stick to your guns about striving for a healthier environment for all. get into a face to face support group.

God bless and good luck.

She could be Bi - Polar you might want to look into that .

Recommend Cloud & Townsend's book "Boundaries".

Your mother wants to be enmeshed. Setting boundaries will be the only way to potentially fix the relationship with your mother. And even then it may not fix it - she'll probably push back - that's when you stand your ground.

My mother wants to be enmeshed. What is it about some people who just want to suck the emotional life out of others? Do they realize what they're doing and just not care? Why try to get from another person what they cannot give?

Yes, another scenario often involves the temperature in the home....too cold, too hot..... etc etc.

Be sure that she is assessed by her physician for her aging potential emotional changes; unresolved grief; other emotional issues not being accurately expressed but rather coming out as " controlling" behaviors such as " be happy when I am happy, be sad when I am sad" etc. You may can start also with a joint conversation with a faith leader of you choice or a community chaplain to get some more things out on the table with their presence and witness to what is being said.

Get some form of family counseling or help ; starting with her or your physician for a referral might help to get started. There a always many many factors that impact any family members living together and when it is a senior aging family member it can become more complicated.

Get some help for everyone's sanity .

And, sometimes other "living " arrangements may need to be considered; i.e. maybe she can get into some form of 'senior subsidized housing" ?? A Social Worker may also help you all assess the current situation and look at potential options based on needs and financial availability.

Sounds like she is trying to pull you into her control. My mother would do this for her bouts of frustration/anger. She would act out in anger and continue until she would get a response from me of taking on her cause and joining the attack her latest foe. If I would choose instead to recommend a healthier path of reason, she would attack me: “Oh yeah, YOU don’t have to worry YOU are ….(fill in blank: lazy, lackadaisical, etc.) Then I would be the target for the rant. Worked the same routine for her bouts of depression. She was all alone, I was married and had a husband.

To me sounds like she is trying to assert her dominance as "the parent". Would you tolerate this from a roommate? Then why are you tolerating this from her? Just because she is the parent does not mean 'her way or the highway" especially when she is living with you. In a calm time sit her down and just explain this foolishness has to stop. She does not get to dictate your moods and you won't try and dictate hers.

You can try talking with her, but I bet you've tried a million times (in fact, that's probably why you came to the forum). You will NOT be able to change her.

But she might change you - you might (I hope not) slowly become a grumpier person.

You do not say if your mom is diagnosed with dementia (officially from a medical provider). This is important to know. If she hasn't been tested, get her tested.

Firstly ... never ever argue with her.
When she starts this (wanting to make her point "being right," realize it is her asserting the independence she wants or feels she has ... and that she is frightened, perhaps confused. You can set boundaries with compassion.

It is important to focus on her responses / feelings and thoughts (vs you -- you are allowing her to 'dictate' your responses. Take your personal power 'back' - by focusing 'too' on your needs. Listen and value your feelings. They are 'talking' to you --- saying that other action / behavior (on your part) is needed.

If she 'drives you insane... this is a major CUE for you to do something:

1) leave for a while (a minute to an hour or however it feels right.

2) Get others in there to keep her company / volunteers

3) Consider placing her - or at least investigate what the options are - realizing that she WILL NOT change; it / the brain chemistry / will continue to change and she will be in a 'conversation loop.'

4) She is not driving you ... you are allowing this by not taking control (with the best of your intentions). You need to change in order for her to respond differently. In other words, if you are not there, she doesn't have 'you' to reflect off of -

5) Try music to relax her.

6) The way you 'fix' it is by changing yourself, not thinking you can change her. She will not change. She will continue to do what she is doing, and more frustrating communications triggering you.

7) Do start writing a journal, which could turn into a book. Research A NEW DIARY which shows how to write a book through journal entries. Your experience could be very valuable to others - and journal writing will HELP you.

8) Consider the structure in. the house.

Does she walk around as she wishes?
Do you have any private space / time ?
You must have your 'a room to ones own' with a lock on the door, if necessary. You need to re-new yourself as you need to. This 'work / relationship' you are in is exceeding draining, both emotionally and psychologically. You need to renew --- write, read, do yoga, meditate - whatever renews you.

Realize it isn't 'mean' to set boundaries for your own mental health. In fact, it is essential that you do this. Enlist a social worker or case manager if possible for more guidance.

Understand and expect that when you change, she will react - perhaps be angry and very vocal about it. Give her the space to vent. This is as difficult for her as it is for you. Remember, her brain is changing. Often she cannot help how she communicates although old patterns will / do come out.

It is always useful to use REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
You reflect her words back to her. "Oh, I hear you saying you feel xxx."

What this does:

Keeps you from getting into an argument. Keeps you grounded. Allows her to vent.

Gena / Touch Matters

If this was anybody other than your mom, what would you do?

It's control. Your mother wants to be in control of every aspect of your life and your daughter's. Including your feelings.
I know it's a lot worse than her just wanting you to feel exactly like she does. She probably also expects you to be able to predict her future feelings and mirror them at exactly she same time she has them.
If you can't then that will be reason to berate or be snide to you.
She doesn't care what you actually feel or think. Just so long ad you go along with her.

I remember not so long ago being at the lowest point I've ever been at in my life. So low that I seriously considered doing myself harm.
One day I was emptying a full commode and she came in to tell me all about my cousin's vacation pictures that she posted on Facebook and how cute and gorgeous she looks. When I didn't immediately start jumping for joy and begging her to see the pictures like a dog begging for a taste, she turned on the usual snideness. She gave me a dirty look and snidely said to me,
'you're never happy about anything'.

I almost struck her. I didn't, but the profanity I used was spectacular. So, I know exactly what you mean. It was then that I knew come hell or high water, I was getting out of here.
You and your mother cannot live together anymore. You and your daughter have to find a different place. If you need help with making the rent and bills, get a roommate. Good luck.

Mandi, your mother is only 72, but I'm thinking ahead...

Do you work outside the home? Does your D go to school? If so, what does your mother do during the day?

I looked Buena Vista up, and it is rural and isolated, yes? What's going to happen if your mother needs caregiving? Are you the plan for that? Do you want to be the plan for that? If not, then start planning for how to extricate yourself from this situation.

Where would your mother live if it wasn't with you? How long has she been living with you?

Mandi12: Perhaps you will have to set some boundaries with your mother so that multi-generational living will work for all parties living under the same roof.

You cannot fix a relationship. You can influence the outcome, however, you cannot build a caring, adult relationship with someone who can't or will not allow it to happen..

The only thing I can think of is to move to another place where each of you is able to have a sanctuary from the other and for your Mom to be less dependent upon you for socialization. Maybe move into a duplex or 2 condos near to each other or if your current place allows it, build a wall with 2 entrances from the outside.

At 16 years old, your daughter needs to see a healthy relationship between you and your Mom. What you do now, could influence significantly on how your daughter treats you in the future during your time of need.

It is not easy living with a parent. They still think of you as a kid and treat you as a dependent human. You, on the other hand, are trying to assert or maintain your independence

I would consult a therapist. You need some help coming up with alternatives and also how to respectfully deal with your mother and a teenager.

Good luck to all three of you.

yOU MIGHT HAVE TO RETHINK YOUR BUDGET COSTS AND TRY TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE IT WITHOUT HER $$$. (SORRY ABOUT ALL CAPS) CAN'T FIX IT.

I fear this will damage the relationship you have with your daughter . She will either learn to be a punching bag or be a bully like your Mom is. Or she could become depressed , or resent you for this toxic living situation . It doesn’t matter whether dementia plays into or not . Your daughter is young and toxic is toxic no matter the cause . In general this is not healthy for you or your daughter . Find a way to live apart from Mom if at all possible . If not you will need to enforce strict boundaries. Like a room she is not allowed in where you and daughter can escape to .
I really hope you can stop living with your mom . In the meantime ban Mom from a room .