My wife and I have been married for 62 years. In that time we have had for the most part a deep, loving and peaceful relationship. As her dementia deepened over the past five years, I have taken on the responsibilities of primary carer. Recently she asked me to help her organize her letters and papers. While doing so, I discovered that she had had many, long running affairs from the fifth to the 40th year of our marriage. That she had been occasionally unfaithful I had known, but I had no idea of the extent of her infidelity or the particular men involved. I have confronted her: she says she just wanted the experience of other lovers, but that she always loved me, remains deeply in love with me today and never wanted a divorce. Just as an aside, she was a professional therapist, who says that she would have warned any patient of the dangers of such action to the primary relationship.
All this is in the past, but I am having a difficult time separating past from present. As far as the future I remain responsible for her physical and psychological well being. I am frankly obsessed: who was she; how did she give herself permission to do what she did; what did she think would be the impact of her behavior on our relationship and on the well being of our children? In the past she wrote that she felt no guilt; now she dissolves in pain if I bring up the issue. I am deeply hurt by the other men, by the lies, by the violation of trust, by the careless disregard of the implications for our marriage and our children. How do I find enough forgiveness for my wife and enough peace of mind for myself to continue as her primary caregiver?
It may be even harder for you to trust a therapist considering her past and her profession, but please find someone you can talk to about this betrayal.
Give yourself permission to grieve the relationship you thought you had and decide where you want to go now in the relationship.
Personally, I would find it impossible to be a caregiver to someone who had so little regard for me and our relationship. This is why I will never provide hands on care to either of my parents.
You do not have to remain her caregiver.
You are going to need time to decide how you want to move forward. I suggest arranging for respite care for her in a facility, while you decide if you have the capacity to provide ongoing hands on care.
No matter how strange this sounds, I think I had a great marriage to a great woman. For the marriage she made considerable sacrifices. She moved from her home nation to marry me, gave up prized jobs when my job forced us to move. Though not a natural mother, she did her share to raise our children. She made me deeply happy and except for those moments of revelation of infidelity, I was so much in love with her. She might not put things in quite the same way, but I think she would say much the same; she wrote over again that she was in a good marriage to a good man. And that is why her infidelities hurt so much and are so hard to accept. She jeopardized so much. On the few occasions when I did learn of an affair, I asked myself what really mattered to me. The answer was clear; my love for her took precedence. I managed my hurt and moved on. But recently I learned the extent of her affairs, numbers, duration, particular men; that, combined with the deception, did throw me. It was not that it has affected the care that I provided but it did affect negatively my feelings about being her carer. Worse perhaps, bad thoughts were driving out great memories.
Hurt yes, but I still know what matters. I still love her and I owe her a lot. I think I can come to understand the person she was. I hope that I can learn to live with what she did, but I cannot forgive her actions, the silly way this very smart woman rationalized her actions and her obliviousness to possible consequences.
As for the advice given, I shall now hire in house help, which will free up some of my time to be with other people. One child asked me why I was so upset. I told that child the outline, but not the upsetting details, of the story. I shall not tell the other children. I might seek out a therapist or I might tell aspects of the story to someone, just for personal relief. Aside from her female soulmates with whom she discussed her actions, I think most of those who knew her would be very surprised that this most generous of people could in one area of her life have been so selfish. I shall not tell them. The sin was too big to ignore; I had to say something to her, even though she only half understands. But I agree with the advice to say little as she needs, not my criticism, but my support as she faces the future.
You are in your late 80s. In my opinion, you deserve more than breaking yourself at your age to care for the woman who cuckolded you many times over. She seems remorseless and, as a professional therapist, knew exactly what to say to manipulate your feelings.
You can forgive your wife without being her primary caregiver. Her needs are only going to increase. Your feelings matter. I hope you find a good memory care for her and find peace and contentment for yourself.
I think it's now time that you place her in the appropriate facility, where you know she will receive the proper care, and where you can once again have peace in your life. You may even have to divorce her to get true peace, as you deserve so much better. May God bless you and keep you.
Faithless people are greedy. Selfish. And now you’re giving more of yourself to someone who continuously takes. That’s a hard one to swallow…
But whether or not to forgive was not your question. Your question was, how.
Firstly, I would tell the kids. Not to “get back at your wife”, but so that you can grieve the deception together. Our family had a similar groundbreaking discovery last summer. The fact that we were all able to move on as a family was on that there were no more secrets between us as a family anymore. The secrets and lies had been tearing us apart of decades, and now it was all out in the open. Last summer, we were in agony. This summer, we’re much much better. You can’t suffer through this alone.
I think also for you to move forward and move past, you have to believe that she shows true contrition. She needs to understand how much she hurt you. That she didn’t feel any guilt at the time, how greedy and selfish that truly was. She SHOULD feel bad, regardless of how old she is. You’re never too old to become a better person and say (and truly mean) ‘I’m sorry’. And not just because you got caught, but because you lied and cheated and was a dirty dog.
My best advice, don’t suffer alone. You won’t heal that way.
Think about yourself. Were you always faithful? In thought as well as in deed? Are there hidden parts of your life history that would change the image that others have of you? Have you had a friend or colleague whose attitudes you sometimes disapproved of – but you tolerated? Do you agree with ‘judge not lest you be judged’?
You have had a difficult shock, and it’s hard to live with. You now have a choice. You can put it into the past, and know that you have lived a long good marriage in spite of what you now know. The alternative is to do what some other posters have suggested – divorce, abandonment, anger, rejection - and destroy your family and the rest of your life with bitterness.
I hope that you can find peace at the end of your lives. Love, Margaret
You said she “dissolves in pain” when you bring it up, and you are bringing it up, and are obsessed with it. That does not make for a healthy, comfortable situation for either of you. She is dependent on someone who is profoundly upset with her at a time she needs gentleness and love.
For you, burn the papers and letters. Don’t show them to your children or anyone else. Some things in the past should remain there, especially those which are private between a husband and a wife. If you can forgive, that will be freeing for you. If you can’t yet, which is understandable, try hard to refocus your attention to something you two had which was good and positive. Then try to be with her and love her as the person you have been married to these past years. Even at this late point in your lives it is not too late to start anew and refresh your love and your marriage, but - I believe - you need the distance of not taking primary care of her physical needs and having her totally dependent on your goodwill in that regard.
I would not tell your children. It will only create disharmony among the family. I would seek therapy to sort out feelings, resentment.We all make mistakes and if we could turn the clock back I bet most of us would make better choices in our lives.
Forgiveness is essential for a happy and healthy life. I know it is difficult to read how your wife was unfaithful but you knew about her infidelity early on and should have nipped that in the bud right away. You must love her deeply. Bringing up the issue now is pointless for she has dementia. It must be so hard for you knowing she continued with this behavior for many years.
I hope you find in your heart to forgive her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and hope you find peace.
No matter how strange this sounds, I think I had a great marriage to a great woman. For the marriage she made considerable sacrifices. She moved from her home nation to marry me, gave up prized jobs when my job forced us to move. Though not a natural mother, she did her share to raise our children. She made me deeply happy and except for those moments of revelation of infidelity, I was so much in love with her. She might not put things in quite the same way, but I think she would say much the same; she wrote over again that she was in a good marriage to a good man. And that is why her infidelities hurt so much and are so hard to accept. She jeopardized so much. On the few occasions when I did learn of an affair, I asked myself what really mattered to me. The answer was clear; my love for her took precedence. I managed my hurt and moved on. But recently I learned the extent of her affairs, numbers, duration, particular men; that, combined with the deception, did throw me. It was not that it has affected the care that I provided but it did affect negatively my feelings about being her carer. Worse perhaps, bad thoughts were driving out great memories.
Hurt yes, but I still know what matters. I still love her and I owe her a lot. I think I can come to understand the person she was. I hope that I can learn to live with what she did, but I cannot forgive her actions, the silly way this very smart woman rationalized her actions and her obliviousness to possible consequences.
As for the advice given, I shall now hire in house help, which will free up some of my time to be with other people. One child asked me why I was so upset. I told that child the outline, but not the upsetting details, of the story. I shall not tell the other children. I might seek out a therapist or I might tell aspects of the story to someone, just for personal relief. Aside from her female soulmates with whom she discussed her actions, I think most of those who knew her would be very surprised that this most generous of people could in one area of her life have been so selfish. I shall not tell them. The sin was too big to ignore; I had to say something to her, even though she only half understands. But I agree with the advice to say little as she needs, not my criticism, but my support as she faces the future.
I am glad you are going to get someone in to help you so you can get out and have some time for yourself. For any caregiver that is important but I think in your case even more so.
When I first read you post I wanted to respond but I was at a loss for words.
My advice to you though is this.:
You say you are going to seek out a therapist or "I might tell the aspects of the story to someone just for personal relief" I think it is very important that you talk only with a therapist about this. The reason being is that they can not divulge any of the information to anyone else. If you pour out your thoughts, feelings to "someone" they are not bound by any standards to keep this information private. You never know when "someone" may inadvertently say something to someone else and before long more people know your business than have a right to know it.
I also think a proper therapist will help you sort out feelings and guide you through what is going to be a very difficult time.
((hugs, be well))
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