How do I do the right thing for Mom - telling/ not telling her the other daughter isn't coming now?

Everyone deals with death in different ways. For Mom, sister should have come. But for sister, maybe she just couldn't deal with it. Seeing Moms decline. Maybe wanting to remember her how she was. I know my one brother had a hard time. Actually, sometimes I wish I hadn't had to be there. I watched her lose weight, get frailer and frailer. Forgetting who people were. The one to bath and clean her up. Her last 3 years are what is burned into my brain. I am trying to push them to the back of my brain and bring the good times forward. Being with old friends that knew her has helped. We talk about back when.

So sorry for your Moms passing.

My condolences for the loss of your Mom. You were lucky to have each other and to be together as your Mom passed. Such a wonderful daughter. Sending you hugs.

When you brush your teeth or put on make up you can look at yourself in the eye in the mirror & not cringe ..... that is priceless - not everyone can say the same .... enough said for now - hugs to you in this sorrowful but oddly joyful time as you celebrate her full life - when life gives you lemons make lemonade so serve lemonade to all those who didn't help .... just between you & me

May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

Hugs!

Your mother was so fortunate to have you with her. Thank you for letting us know.

**Update to all who answered.
Thank you so much for giving advice.
It was nice to have the support.

Unfortunately, my Mom passed on Monday.
She asked me Saturday when will she be getting here. I told her I had no definite answer yet. And then by the evening she had started slipping away.

I'm so grateful I could hold my Mom and be here for her. It was hard, but man I wish everyone had this when they pass.

Well, I don't know if she needs to be told. What would be the point? To break her heart? Make her angry?

I'd take the therapeutic lie path. "I'm not sure of the exact plans mom but she's trying to get here soon."

Your sister who is not coming is the one who may have some guilt, etc. to deal with unless she has a reallly good reason for not coming to say goodbye. Sad.

If I were you, I would not be the person to inform Mom about your sister not coming. Your sister needs to accept the responsibility of telling her. Are the reasons based on validity or fear? Here's the thing. Psychologists have done much research on the dying process. One thing they discovered was that dying patients often refrain from dying until they have seen all of the loved ones important to them. They also discovered that the dying also at times want permission from their loved ones to die with reassurance that while they would miss the dying person that they will be ok and that they will go on. I think your sister needs to rexamine her reasons and make your mother's terminal illness and need for closure a priority.

That's on the sister, meaning she is the one to give the verbal - "No, I'm not coming, mom."

Your sister was informed, and now it is up to her to decide. Do not waste one minute worrying about what she is going to do. Spend your energy and time on your mother. She knows, and now it is up to her to visit, or call. I would not tell your mother, let your sister do it!!

Refuse to be the go-between. Tell all family and friends to talk to mom directly. Remind them that mom is in hospice because she has so little time left. Mom would appreciate talking to everybody - in person or on the phone.

Others may be reluctant because they have problems with the issue of death and dying. Don't be their excuse for not connecting because of "whatever".

You’re doing enough, more than enough, you’re being a great caregiver. Please don’t take this on also. This is between your siblings and mom, let it be on them

I would ask your sister to call mom directly or you call her and put your mom on the phone. Your mom could also call her. She could leave your sister a voicemail if she doesn’t answer.

Why should you have to deliver the message to mom? Not fair to you. Are her reasons valid for not being there?

I would have your mother call her.  The sister needs to tell her this on her own.  It is wrong for her to expect you to be the bearer of this news.

Call your sister and hand your mother the phone and tell her who it is. Walk out of the room for privacy and let it go. We each have to make choices and live with it. Mom lives with me and 4 sisters close by and we each have a separate relationship with her. I won't have any regrets in the end but can't imagine how one of my sisters could live with herself. Not only are none of 5 of us on the same page, we're not even in the same book! I think of what will they remember about me when I die and I hope they remember kindness, unconditional love, laughter and forgiveness for treating mom the way they have. I would try and leave the goodbyes (or not) to the two of them. Very sorry for your situation.

My sister has a good analogy - every relationship is a circle with each person having their side of the circle and needing to stay on their side.

In this situation, this is not your circle. But, what a difficult position you are in if your mom is asking for her!

If your mom is able to talk, can you call your sister for her? You might be accused of blindsiding your sis if she doesn't know the call is coming but putting you in this terrible position isn't right or your responsibility.

Wishing you peace through this journey.

I would bow out of that, let your sister tell her, it is her call, not yours. So sorry about your mother.

My prayers to you and your family during this tough transition--My father is currently in hospice and I don't know if he will last around for the holidays. Hugs.

I suggest that you tell your sister that you will not be the conduit for communication. Sis can pick up the phone, call Mom, and tell her she's not coming.