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My mother has stayed with my husband and I off and on since 2011. She was hospitalized in 2014 and after having major surgery and spending 4 months in rehab we decided to have her to live in our home. In addition to recovering from surgery she has Parkinson's, dementia and hypertension. I soon realized how difficult it was caring for her in our home and 2 months later I made the heart-wrenching decision to move her AL . She continued getting physical and occupational therapy in AL, but disliked living there. I had enough hearing how bad things were for her in AL and after 11 months moved her into a townhome near us with round the clock private caregivers including myself. She is now 87 and her dementia has progressed, but not to the point where she needs memory care. Her place is open which makes it easier for her to move around and there are some handicap features that we don't have in our house. (grab bars, walk in shower, high toilet, lift chair etc. ) I continue helping as her caregiver while working full time for 2 years and gradually going to part time for another 2 years, but stopped working altogether in 2018. I have financially supplemented my mother's care and continue to do so, but I don't know how much longer I can. I am on a fixed income and use some of my retirement money to help in addition to spending 3 - 4 days/nights at her home each week to offset paying others. I am 64, and my husband is 70 and I want and need to devote more time to doing some of the things we hoped for in our retirement. I have considered many options but is seems the only way to provide her long term care is to sell her townhouse and use the proceeds to pay for AL. This is a heart-wrenching decision and one that she won't take well. My only sibling is not able to care for her, is not able to contribute financially, lives 500 miles away and will not consider moving closer to be with her nor does he want her to go to AL! I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Any advice on how to initiate the AL conversation or other care options that I need to consider?

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It terrifies me to hear you are using income that you and your husband will need yourselves to supplement the care of your mother. I honestly don't understand that decision at all. I SO don't understand that decision that I am powerless honestly to answer this in any way I think you understand. I would ask you and your husband to go to a financial manager, not one there to invest funds, but one there to assist you in understanding that what you are doing could quite honestly leave you destitute. Not a good place to end in our society.
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Please stop paying for her expenses, and cut back on your babysitting of her. She needs to face the realty of the situation, she is not independent, you are compensating for what she can no longer do.

If the townhome needs to be sold, so be it, none of us get what we want all the time and life continues to evolve and so must we.

My mother is now in AL and she really likes it, she has made many new friends and there is always someone around 24/7, she is safe.

Whatever your sibling wants really doesn't matter, if he is unwilling to take her in then he has no vote, easy for him to say no to AL.

Sending support your way!
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Your story is so close to mine. Except I'm not using my funds to pay for my mother. I understand your pain I'm 61 and my husband is 73. I've been dealing with my mother and her dementia for about 5 years. I'm preparing to move her to a NH. She is 87. She never had to take care of her parents. Didn't work and enjoyed life when my father retired.I have always had to work. I haven't had a break in 5 years. Thanks to the amazing people on this forum and their support I have realized that she will be ok and safe in a NH. Life is short and me and my husband deserve a break. As it is I will have to continue to work for some time. You need to sell her townhouse and move her to assisted living. Move on and enjoy your life before its too late. Xo
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Discussion is very hard because they have their set views.
You basically need to take her to a few places and say pick one. Show her the positive things about each place.

It's very difficult and practically takes a miracle. But stay positive and hopeful. Don't give up. Your future is counting on you.
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It seems that AL is a solution to many of your mother's problems,and it is also will stop the drain on your own finances.
You are doing the best thing for her even if she does not like it.
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It sounds to me as if you have made the wise decision to place your mom in AL. Forget what your sibling wants unless he wants to move her to live with him and take on the caretaker roll. I don't see the non-caretaker as having any say, frankly. The question is, how do you get her to go along with it. I guess you can try having an honest conversation but if that fails, then lie. Tell her you are taking her short term for respite care. To buy more time tell her she had plumbing problems that need to be fixed. Next the AC/heat is out and needing to be fixed. Whatever you can come up with. Eventually she should settle in and accept it and maybe even like being there.
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