How do I 'disconnect' myself from my narcissistic mother, when I still deeply feel that I need her to show me ANY real love?

Why can’t you disconnect? Answer is in every commercial, movie, book as well as looking at families walking down the street. We are bombarded with “perfect” families. At least they look that way from the outside perspective.
As far as I know last “perfect person” was nailed to a cross.
Do what you need to do for yourself.
If you have it in your heart and mind to do so forgive her for the imperfect mother she is. You strive to be better despite her example. 2 kinds of role models, ones you work hard to be like and ones you work hard to be the opposite of.
By the way, don’t occasionally hang up the phone if you are treated badly. Do it each time. For everyone. Just say I can not take that kind of talk and if it continues I will hang up. Next time someone, anyone says something to insult you just hang up. No goodbye, no sorry, just hang up. No one should take abuse from anyone.
hang in there, be kind to yourself

Hoping or expecting love from a narcissistic mother is sort of like hoping to be taught algebra from a 5 year old child. It's not gonna happen, no matter how hard we hope for it. I think it's wise to hope for acceptance of what is instead of hoping for the impossible now, you know? Your mother is incapable of empathy, which means she doesn't know how she makes you feel, or anyone else for that matter, so she's not capable of feeling an emotional bond with anyone as a result. It's her lack, in reality, not yours.

My mother has a narcissistic personality too; she's not able to see how her behavior makes me feel, so she lashes out and says horrible things. Today I went to see her in the Memory Care AL where she lives. I sat there & told her I am not going to put up with it anymore & that she is making my heart hurt with her foul words. I set down a boundary that I will no longer allow her to cross b/c it's costing ME too much to continue to put up with. Whether she loves me or hates me is irrelevant right now; all that matters is that I protect MYSELF from her foul words, that's ALL. I've dealt with her horrendous behavior for 64 years now and that's enough. I will continue to pay her bills and send her snacks and bras and Depends and whatever else she 'can't live without' but that's all. She can rely on others at the MC for whatever else she needs b/c I'm worn out. To a frazzle. And I told her that today. I'm no longer looking for the impossible from her; a sign of love or giving a crap about how I'M doing. She's not capable of it, so it's ME who has to change what I'M doing, not her.

Check out this pretty awesome article on the subject:

https://toxicties.com/9-coping-strategies-narcissistic-mother/

Set down some very firm boundaries with your NM right away. Stop looking for something from her she cannot (or will not) give you. Look out for YOURSELF before you find yourself sick and emotionally fried with nobody to care for you. You matter too. We've been groomed to feel like we don't matter; that only our NMs matter and that we have to jump at their every mood or we'll be punished with the Silent Treatment or something similar. Really, who cares? The silent treatment is a gift, to be honest. Silence from my mother's mouth does me more good than harm these days.

Take care of you now and understand that it's okay to do that, necessary & vital, in fact. If your mother's days on this Earth are numbered, so be it. Our capacity to give and receive love is never 'finite'; it's endless and eternal. Just b/c your mother was incapable of showing her love for you in this life does not mean you weren't worthy of it. You were and you are. You are a beautiful & wonderful child of God who is perfect in every way. Start realizing that and feeling it in your soul, with or without your mother's acknowledgement of it.