How do I 'disconnect' myself from my narcissistic mother, when I still deeply feel that I need her to show me ANY real love?

Hoping or expecting love from a narcissistic mother is sort of like hoping to be taught algebra from a 5 year old child. It's not gonna happen, no matter how hard we hope for it. I think it's wise to hope for acceptance of what is instead of hoping for the impossible now, you know? Your mother is incapable of empathy, which means she doesn't know how she makes you feel, or anyone else for that matter, so she's not capable of feeling an emotional bond with anyone as a result. It's her lack, in reality, not yours.

My mother has a narcissistic personality too; she's not able to see how her behavior makes me feel, so she lashes out and says horrible things. Today I went to see her in the Memory Care AL where she lives. I sat there & told her I am not going to put up with it anymore & that she is making my heart hurt with her foul words. I set down a boundary that I will no longer allow her to cross b/c it's costing ME too much to continue to put up with. Whether she loves me or hates me is irrelevant right now; all that matters is that I protect MYSELF from her foul words, that's ALL. I've dealt with her horrendous behavior for 64 years now and that's enough. I will continue to pay her bills and send her snacks and bras and Depends and whatever else she 'can't live without' but that's all. She can rely on others at the MC for whatever else she needs b/c I'm worn out. To a frazzle. And I told her that today. I'm no longer looking for the impossible from her; a sign of love or giving a crap about how I'M doing. She's not capable of it, so it's ME who has to change what I'M doing, not her.

Check out this pretty awesome article on the subject:

https://toxicties.com/9-coping-strategies-narcissistic-mother/

Set down some very firm boundaries with your NM right away. Stop looking for something from her she cannot (or will not) give you. Look out for YOURSELF before you find yourself sick and emotionally fried with nobody to care for you. You matter too. We've been groomed to feel like we don't matter; that only our NMs matter and that we have to jump at their every mood or we'll be punished with the Silent Treatment or something similar. Really, who cares? The silent treatment is a gift, to be honest. Silence from my mother's mouth does me more good than harm these days.

Take care of you now and understand that it's okay to do that, necessary & vital, in fact. If your mother's days on this Earth are numbered, so be it. Our capacity to give and receive love is never 'finite'; it's endless and eternal. Just b/c your mother was incapable of showing her love for you in this life does not mean you weren't worthy of it. You were and you are. You are a beautiful & wonderful child of God who is perfect in every way. Start realizing that and feeling it in your soul, with or without your mother's acknowledgement of it.

Why can’t you disconnect? Answer is in every commercial, movie, book as well as looking at families walking down the street. We are bombarded with “perfect” families. At least they look that way from the outside perspective.
As far as I know last “perfect person” was nailed to a cross.
Do what you need to do for yourself.
If you have it in your heart and mind to do so forgive her for the imperfect mother she is. You strive to be better despite her example. 2 kinds of role models, ones you work hard to be like and ones you work hard to be the opposite of.
By the way, don’t occasionally hang up the phone if you are treated badly. Do it each time. For everyone. Just say I can not take that kind of talk and if it continues I will hang up. Next time someone, anyone says something to insult you just hang up. No goodbye, no sorry, just hang up. No one should take abuse from anyone.
hang in there, be kind to yourself

Your need for your mother's love is not selfish, it is a very basic human need. We all need to be loved by someone- preferably our own family. But it doesn't sound, from what you say, that you'll ever be the recipient of her affection. At the end of her life, never having received the love you want and need, you may experience a type of ambiguous loss, an unresolved need that was never met. This can affect you for the rest of your life. Why can't you disconnect? Why can't you be stronger? Because that's who you are. It's neither right nor wrong, good nor bad, it just is. I would suggest finding a mental health professional now, even before your mother's passing. YOU come first.

Bevel2, you are reaching the point of acknowledgment that your Mom is incapable of loving anyone in the real sense of the word and act. You ARE capable, so it's hard for you to understand. Learn as much as you can about Narcissism so you can understand it better and how it affects you and your Mom. Set boundaries and keep them. Allow yourself to forgive her for what she cannot give you, and seek it from those who can give you the love you need. Surround yourself with a strong support system of family and friends who understand the situation even though they don't live it.
Most of all, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve what you've never received, and find hope in the future.

What a shame that you feel you need her to love you it may not be an option but maybe you are lonely within yourself I took in a rescue cat years ago and the love this little girl shows me is unbelievable and they don’t talk back could this be an option for you? And yes when she insults hang up on her as that’s what I do

Does your mother know how you feel? Ask her why she doesn't love you.

We all want love. Well. except for a narcissist. They don’t know what real love is. They can fake emotions but they have no real empathy or remorse. If they fake it, it is used for manipulation.

I am so sorry that you haven’t received the love that you needed and deserve.

A very good friend of mine always has gatherings at her home for her ‘real’ family. That what she calls us, her friends that she has retained a friendship with for more than 20 years. A very long time ago she went to a therapist who told her to replace her family that hurt her, and form a new family of people who respected her and appreciated her. That’s exactly what she did to fill her void and she never looked back.

Sometimes, she is sad. She mourned the loss of not having a loving mom and sisters, quite some time ago, but there are days that she feels pain when she sees others who have meaningful relationships with their families. She never knew her dad.

I am not suggesting that you abandon your mom. That is not my place to do. All I am saying, is to protect your heart.

It makes us wonder, ‘Why us?’ when these things happen in our lives. I am glad that you found this forum, because many people here have been in your shoes. They can add their own perspective and shed some light on how to cope.

I hope that you don’t believe any lies that your mom may have told you. That’s awful. Seek validation from those who really care for you.

Wishing you peace. Share your thoughts. We care.

Good for you and you're important too. I know exactly what you're going through because my mother sounds exactly like yours.
It's hard for you, me, and anyone else to disconnect from parents like ours because we've had a lifetime of their abusive conditioning literally starting on day one. So it's tough for people like us to not get lost in a F.O.G. (Fear-Obligation-Guilt) when our selfish, narcissistic, and often downright abusive parents get elderly and needy. Their conditioning of us our entire life, makes us afraid to say no and stand up for ourselves. That somehow if we say no to some absurd request or don't suffer their bullying and insults in silence that this erases an entire lifetime of trying our best and striving for them to love and appreciate us. It doesn't.
I learned this some time ago. My mother who is dependent on me knows that I'm not getting "cancelled" by anyone because I refuse to live my life based on her needs and wants. I do what she needs, but I do it on my terms not hers. In her old age she wants me to be a loving, empathetic caregiver who can't do enough for her. She also knows she will never get that from me. A person can't give what they don't have.
If you're meeting mother's needs (not wants) in her old age, then you are a better person than she is. Let that be some small comfort to you. And if you say no, or hang up on her when she's getting mean, or don't go running to her house every minute that does not cancel all the years you've done for her.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My narcissistic and mentally ill mother made me miserable every year I permitted her into my life. She never loved or wanted me and made that clear every day.

After about 40 years I made the decision to exclude her from my life for a good ten years. After that I had extremely limited contact with her until she died a few months ago. Unfortunate and terribly sad for all concerned. We cannot make people love us, no matter who they are, and we are wise not to try. It is what it is.

I’ve spent a lot of time in therapy and recommend you try it too for yourself. Other things that have helped tremendously are meditations (calm.com), yoga, Buddhism, reading and study, support from my NAMI chapter. I recommend a book called “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach. You cannot change anyone, only yourself.

One of the things you describe are boundaries. I’ve had a difficult time with boundaries my entire life. I’m better about it now, but have to be conscious of it as people will treat you as you have allowed them to treat you. Say no, maybe to small things at first. Walk away, don’t answer your phone or emails, do what you need to do to establish some boundaries. It’s ok really! You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Please come back and let us know how YOU are, you need to start taking care of YOU!

My therapist told me that it’s like going to the hardware store every day and asking if they have bread in stock. They will never have bread. And you keep going back hoping they will have bread and you leave disappointed. Searching for the love that that you deserve from your mother is like searching for bread day after day at the hardware store.

At some point I had to let go of the idea that something was going to change and that my past was going to be reconciled somehow. I focus my attention on having a great future and put my energy into people that will return my love for them.

This is not about you. You can be and are the loving and kind person she never could be. The other day I was making meatballs for my family for our “Saturday Spaghetti” get together and in my head I was infusing the meatballs with loving words. I know this sounds silly. But I also know these are the memories I will purposely be creating for my own children and grandchildren rather than the horror stories that I recall. My advice is to not waste one more minute on hoping you will get your mother’s approval and start making great memories for those around you or even just yourself.

I don’t want to sound like this is an easy journey. That overnight you wake up and start making magical meatballs. It’s painful. I don’t want to spew toxic positivity! It took therapy and a lot of tears and support from friends and family. And I’m still not over the abuse but I’m much better. One day I realized that my own time on earth is limited. Stop searching for bread at the hardware store. All my love to you!

why do you think your mother is narcissistic? Sometimes you may be misreading her, and you might ask why? Perhaps you and she should go for coffee and actually converse about why or what leads you to your conclusions and what she can do to assure you it may be loneliness, boredom, or stress. There are way too many misusing (mainly “therapists”) throwing inappropriate labels around. Talk. Real talk, not just words. Emotional -maybe anger, hurt, but try a little focus on future. Past memories, often confused by young daughters, get planted and root firmly instead of weeding out as unnecessary future events arise. Try living day to day and look positively toward future. Try to get mom to do same.
nothing will change if old, possibly skewed memories control your future relationship. And narcissism is thrown around to lightly so adult kids an say the best way to deal with it is not see or talk to them.
this is hurtful and no method to deal with aging parents.

Narcissistic mothers, where were your fathers when all this narcissistic behavior to you took place? I am in awe of accusations when adult kids don’t know what narcissistic means—-popular trend today to throw it out there, but where is daddy while all this “abusive” behavior took place?

There are many of us out here that struggle while picking out Mother’s Day cards.

It would be hard for most anybody to say goodbye to their mothers, very sad and lonely. And I imagine even harder if your mom were narcissistic. It forms a twisted bond that is traumatizing to break. She won't be around much longer, so ty to endure it for awhile longer. Keep telling yourself that she is the reason for the problems not you. Good luck.

After reading everyone’s answers/comments I couldn’t help but share my experience. My oldest and only daughter has labeled me a narcissist mother and has blocked/cut all ties with me because quote “I am toxic to her well being.” Reading everyone’s answers here about not allowing your mothers to be verbally abusive and not ever expecting to get the love her mother is not able to give…..well as a mother, I’ve been on the daughter’s side where I’ve done all I could to be there for my adult daughter, emotionally, financially, in time of any sickness with her and her two children (my two grandchildren), her several marriage breakups … and the list goes on! And all I’ve ever wanted and asked of my daughter has been her time… which she could never find that with her busy schedule. This has gone on for years. We are elderly now between the late 60’s and mid 70’s, and I can count the times she was down for a visit in one hand… usually only at Christmas to be here for her gifts. My husband has back and neck issues with 7 surgeries to no pain relief and can no longer do much without excruciating pain, so I don’t leave him alone much anymore. My daughter was having a minor procedure this past March and wanted me there to take her to day surgery so her husband would not have to take time off work, even though he could. For the first time I had to tell her I was sorry snd could not be there, due to my husband’s situation. and she needed to get her husband to help. She was outraged and kept texting me and harassing and bullying me until I finally stopped answering and told her to leave me alone. When she continued I had no choice but to text her husband and asked him to please make her stop. Until then she would not let up. This kind of behavior from her has gone on for years whenever she has not gotten her way with us. Many times I would end up giving in and doing what she wanted which usually consisted of financial help and never getting paid back. She would make me feel guilty because of my grandchildren. She is now 48 years old and I’ve helped her financially since she moved away from home at the age of 18.
So even though I miss her snd want her in my life in every way possible …. I have been stress free and like someone’s answer above … she has done me a favor by cutting me and her family off and no longer dealing with her abuse. Parents are not always the narcissists …. Adult children can fit that title as well. My daughter has never owned up to her faults and continues to blame her family for everything wrong in her life.
This has been very hard for me but at the same time I find myself feeling more at peace and less stressed by her attacks.
I know this is long snd I’m sorry …

Dearest Bevel2,
Your mom may never offer you love in a way you can appreciate. Dr. Chapman says there are 5 love languages:
quality time (being together and doing things together),
words of affirmation (saying, writing things that encourage you or validate a loving relationship),
service (doing things for the other person),
physical touch (hugs, kisses, pats on back...), and
gifts (large and small tokens of affection). Consider if your mother ever offers anything to you along the lines of one or more of these "languages". If so, that "language(s)" are probably her love language. Use those to express love to her. Also, let her know which way you prefer to receive love. My bet is that you are a words of affirmation person. She may not know how to "love" you the way you prefer, but I pray she is expressing appreciation in her own way.

Since your mom is a self-lover, she may not realize that she needs to express love to you as well as receive it. If expressing love to her in her language does not result in reciprocal love in a few weeks, then she may be unable to express love. Consider it a disability like blindness, deafness, paralysis... If she is disabled, she can't do something that doesn't work.

If you come to realize your mom can't express love, please consider 2 suggestions. Most importantly, work with a counsellor to "grieve" this loss of maternal love and get to a place of peace. Next, get your need for love and affirmation filled by friends and other family members. I am fairly sure another older woman would willingly and joyfully want to fill your need for maternal love. I am a Christian and have found many women in churches who have "mothered" me as well as men and women who have "sistered", "brothered," and "fathered". I have enjoyed by "aunt" and "grandma" to younger folks. Maybe start looking for loving friends in a local church.

Best idea is to seek out a therapist and deal with these very complicated feelings and emotions. By working through it now I'm confident that this will be life changing to YOU for the remainder of your life.

I am sorry you are going through this. This is a tough situation. I have a friend who says all the time- “no expectations, no disappointments.” Maybe stop expecting better behavior from your mom and accepting what you have. Sadly, as many have indicated here, you will need to grieve that loss-the loss of an authentic mother/daughter relationship and in time the loss of your mom. None of this is easy. We also have to remember we have our lives to lead—laundry, jobs, bills, family responsibilities, etc. ; balancing all of that and trying to cope with your grief isn’t easy. Give yourself some time. Be generous with you. Find time in each day to stop and breathe.

Best wishes to you.

You are speaking my language. My narc mom is nearing the end of her days too. I have been her indentured servant for 10 long years. I was expecting her to show some motherly love for all I do for her, but I’ve come to the conclusion that she is pathologically indifferent and she just uses me. I’ve learned how NOT to get into arguments with her and we just basically talk about the weather or my pets. It’s never going to be anything more. She is not capable. But what I suggest for you is not to expect any miracles from her, but rather YOU be her teacher. We can’t change them. It’s pathological and too late for anything. I am at peace. I know I have shown her compassion and strength. I have taught her love even though she is not capable of feeling it. I can just be me. She can just be her. And this is what she taught me. So we’re both teachers - just in different ways. Perfection is not realistic, but acceptance is. I guarantee she will see the Light when her journey is over. And that’s not too late for you. You have done your best. She will see that. Move forward. You’re a good person. Live your life with no regrets. Blessings and peace to you and most of all - LOVE. 💖💖

You ask, "Why can't I be stronger?" If you research the term, "trauma bond", you will find that the creation of the trauma bond by your mother to control you is the answer. I have found that it is the trauma bond that is the hardest to break, and often needs a therapist to help do it. I had to go through the same thing a few months before my narcissistic father died, and did many hours of therapy. I had to mourn his "death" before he died. Tomorrow marks one year since his death. I am writing to encourage you to seek to understand this bond and to find ways to break it in ways that will be the least troubling to you.

My story is complicated by a narcissistic sibling, so the story is ongoing.

How about all the love you've given her? Doesn't that count for anything?

You have the history of the relationship between the two of you. Evidently, it's been a one way street - you have sought your mother's approval, as a demonstration of love, and she has withheld it. Well, perhaps she doesn't have it to give, or at least not in any recognisable form. That is certainly not your fault, but *perhaps it isn't hers either.* And you have loved her anyway. Your shared history still includes the tenderness and care you have shown her all your life. Value those more highly.

You will also have noticed that the boundaries you've begun to introduce do not in any way lessen how much you love and care for this lady, and do not harm her material wellbeing. Instead, they have allowed you to respect yourself *as well* and to take better care of yourself *as well.*

I wonder if the sense of panic you're currently feeling is some of those old bonds pulling at you harder as you begin to get free. Try again! Try harder! This is your last chance! - they're saying to you. Don't fall for it. They're the same fears in a slightly different disguise and with a more piercing tone of voice, and the more they pull the more it shows you're winning.

I have a mom with similar circumstances and it's hard. I am required to call her every day and lectured when I don't, so I have complied. I haven't called her for 2 days now, and expect her to call shrieking and telling me what a horrible person I am. I just can't do it anymore. She seems to be worse with age. She expects me to say I love you every phone call, she refuses to say I love you to me, but she will echo it back. She is 82, still drives, does her own house keeping and bathing. She still is quite independent. My husband and I moved 6 hrs away, after living near her for 18 months. I was told by her that it was my duty to stay near her and got a Christmas gift with "To: Caren From: Betty. She likes to live in the past, and nothing makes her happy. My older brother who is a heavy drug user likes to manipulate situations-like telling her that he'd like to join us at the restaurant on Mother's day at the last minute, and when I didn't say "yes" (reservations were made 2 months in advance), I was told I'm ":The fighting Irish" and a vindictive person. I hung up on my mom one time, to which she called my adult daughter, for the very first time, and my stepmom(whom she hated) just to complain about me. Take time out, don't feel guilty, walk away -even if it's temporary.

Please, if you have to, get a therapist and professional help. I have a friend who endured the same situation when the mother was dying. The love never came and my friend attempted suicide several times until I stepped in and took over her care as her POA. Sometimes you simply will NOT get what you want and need. But you can't carry this burden yourself - you need help. Please get it while you still can.

I totally relate. Sadly the reality is she may never show any love.
That is Never a reflection on you, in truth you are lovable. Honestly she is broken and some people are not emotional and are detached from emotion.

Something that helped me once was that "once you learn to accept the apology that was never given" you can move on.
Yes you desire to see love and you have every right to want it. But know that we can not make anyone do anything. I pray you find others who show you how loved you are.

I once told my mother how she was so mean to me growing up and she said "your grandmother told me to be" (my grandmother was loving to me) so honestly my mother will never "get it" she has no clue how she stripped my self esteem. But i have others who love me so i treasure that.

We hear on media that portrays a mother's love is the best love. Well a lot of us never had that and so we have to move onto our other positives. It would definitely help to find a counselor or woman's group and find out how common this is. My best to you.

Bevel,

You don’t mention the relationship that you had with your father. You don’t have to volunteer any personal information. I don’t wish to pry into any personal areas that are none of my business. Nor would I want to push you to speak about something that you are uncomfortable speaking about.

It’s bad enough having one mentally ill parent and incredibly sad when both parents harm a child. Mental harm is just as damaging as physical harm. Some children experience both.

I hope that you did receive love from your father. We have had posters who were very close with their dad but the relationship was somewhat difficult due to their mom’s interference.

I find it very disturbing that a narc parent can wreck havoc in the relationship that the children have with their parent who is supportive and has loving behavior towards them.

Ok so people have helped you start the process, but now get a professional therapist you trust to help you carry on. The chance of you getting what you crave is very very small and certainly not worth your life - we cannot control other's emotions and in a narcissistic person the ONLY person that matters is them. You will never get want you currently want, you best solution is to change what you want as you cannot change them, and some professional help is something that can get you to accepting your mother has a problem - NOT YOU. She cannot do what you want, she is sick, mentally ill, we cannot expect even an odd occasion of normal behaviour from someone incapable of giving it. Because we cannot see narcsissism and mental illness we can have unrealistic expectations.

At my abusive father's funeral, I suddenly and without warning broke down sobbing and felt like a complete idiot. I was so embarrassed because I couldn't stop, and everyone was looking at me like I was crazy. But it had suddenly hit me: it was official now--my father was really never going to change, apologize, love/like me, or make up for the past abuse. Case closed. Do yourself a favor and accept it now.

Imho, focus on your own PHENOMENAL character; the fact that you have the ability to love. I am sorry that your mother is not a kind woman, but perhaps if you dwell on 'how to FIX mom as she nears EOL,' you may drive yourself crazy. Do not let that consume you. YOU are a stellar human being!

Hi, I also have one of those moms. From my earliest memories I remember complaints ranging from not being a boy, wearing glasses, bad teeth, gaining weight in my teens, why do other moms, who are ugly, have such beautiful daughters while she, such a beautiful woman, has this (meaning me, tho that part she denies). I can go on and on but I think you get it by now, eh? Now mom is 98, alone, sick, starting dementia and guess who’s with her? Is it my older sister, the golden child who has never done anything wrong or hurtful and was adored, not just loved, but adored by both parents? Is she here? Nope. After the money ran out you can say, the golden child, who never lifted a finger to help anyone even when the money was coming in, moved away with her husband to an unknown place, unlisted, blocked mom’s phone number, but she’s still golden. Mom will never say a bad word about her. And I’m still taking care of her and, as sad and probably stupid as it sounds, I live for and cherish the times that she does show me the love that I want and so need. Unfortunately or fortunately some of us are born with needing maybe a greater deal of love from our parents than others. That is what I’m starting to think. In any case, tho I regret a lot of things, not marrying, no kids, (most likely due to this need for parental love and lack of it. BTW, dad wasn’t much better) I don’t regret caring for them and taking care of them. Trust me, I’m no saint. I’ve said things to both parents that no child should ever say, yet I’m the one who has taken care of them to the end. It’s not my place perhaps to tell you but I will anyway. Please don’t hang up on your mom. Anyone else, absolutely hang up. But not your mom. You will feel bad once she’s gone. I’m speaking from my experience at least. For what it’s worth, this is my story and my opinion. I wish you the best. It’s not an easy road we’re on.

Common-sense says that this is not going to happen. However you can fake it, and it can be surprisingly effective.

Google ‘psychodrama’, and see if there is a group or a practitioner you can access. The way it works is that you write an oral ‘script’ by asking the colleague your question, then swap places so colleague asks your question, and you ‘script’ the loving response you want. Then swap places back and forward to continue a dialogue.

You can then do it again, change your question, change to a not-so-loving response, and say your reaction to that. Again, and you can yell and scream, and ‘script’ how your mother would reply to that.

When it works, it is quite cathartic. It stops the unanswered questions going round and round in your head, because you have said it all out loud. I’ve taken part in a group where at the end of a participant’s ‘drama’ with his father, we found out that his father was dead. He still had his chance to say the things that had never been said before.

If you can’t find a way to deal with this, psychodrama might be worth a try. It’s actually quite enjoyable, and it’s quick and cheap, compared with therapy!