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Dad is a narcissist. He's always been one. Our issues go way back. Since he had a stroke, his behavior is on steroids, he's verbally and emotionally abusive. They have a live in aide now, who is more like a glorified companion that gets $200 a day cash. He said if I don't completely take over mom's care, I can't know anything. He sarcastically said you're too busy, you have a child (I do, she's 5). He said I'm the daughter who should be taking care of her mother. He again sarcastically said he has his own "baby" and "issues". He has not set up anything for Mom as far as POA, no trust for her in case he goes first, doesn't care if she goes to follow ups, doesn't care if she refuses care, such as PT. She just refused an MRI in the hospital this past week.
Mom has dementia, fecal incontinence, refuses care, smokes, has gotten so weak she can't walk, can't remember to eat, can't cook, or use the microwave (just a few things).



My husband told my dad he should contact an elder attorney and set something up for mom. I refuse to clean up the chaos he creates any longer. He gets enjoyment of leaving chaos for me to clean up. For example, he has literally said it looks like someone sh*t all over the bathroom, go clean it up. It took me three hours to clean that bathroom. The entire time the house heat was jacked to 84 degrees. I was crying, covered in sweat, feces, and bleach. Yes, I asked him to turn the heat down. He said, "what about me???"
He didn't even tell us the hospital moved her to a rehab facility yesterday. I had to call around to the local ones to see where she's at. He makes it impossible. Just thinking about dealing with him gets me anxious. I wasn't going to participate, just read on the site. Today finding out he's decided not to tell us anything is the last straw. I don't know what I can do, other than be completely estranged.

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You are, it sounds like, going to have to contact authorities. Your father is currently abusing your Mother. She needs guardianship and placement in safe care. This is not something you can handle alone. You need authorities and she needs wellness and welfare checks. I would document and keep diaries now, do filming if you are able. This is out of control and your mother is living in the middle of severe abuse. I am so very sorry. I wish I could tell you to walk away, and when your Mom is gone I hope you will abandon this guy to the wolves, but for now your mother is in danger it sounds, and I would call APS or the police. If they assess that there is no danger to her and her paid caregivers are enough, then yes, I believe I would walk away from this. That would mean you are helpless to help, and would only become a part of an abusive cycle. A fight for guardianship would likely be lost to a husband who IS hiring caregivers at this point, to the tune of 200.00 a day. And a fight for guardianship would run a minimum of 10,000 with you responsible for court costs if you lost.
Consider consulting with an attorney with your husband about how to move forward in gathering evidence of abuse. Or to hear what other options may exist. I am so sorry about this dreadful dreadful situation. It is purely and simply elder abuse.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
I don't have the money to fight for guardianship. He knows that. I also told him I'm not paying to fix his chaos.

Thankfully, she is absolutely safe now. I just spoke to her at the rehab. She said everyone is very nice and doesn't need anything. ☺️
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While Mom is in Rehab you may want to bring APS into the picture. Mom needs care and she is not getting it from her husband. Mom can go right from Rehab to a Longterm care facility. The State can make Dad pay for Moms care. Their assets can be split. Moms split gets spent down and then Medicaid is applied for.
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Don’t deal with him. You are letting someone who is not thinking right anymore dictate you. Yes, it’s your father, but when thinking clearly leaves the picture, it doesn’t matter what the relationship is. He is just not thinking right and you don’t need to be involved in that.

Try to think of it as being estranged from his illness, rather than him. Get your mom in a facility. Call Adult Protective Service if nec.
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Wow your dad is quite a gem!

Why was your mom in the hospital? Maybe from rehab it will be a good time to move her directly to whatever level of care is appropriate for her. I'm sure you have NO desire to spend another 3 hours cleaning up a poopy bathroom! I would stop doing ANYTHING that helps your dad. Poopy bathroom? Well, dad, you better clean it or call a hazmat service to come do it because I am NEVER doing that again. If mom went into a facility, you'd be able to see her and completely cut your dad out.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
He ability to walk has deteriorated treating in a month and a half. She fell multiple times using her walker. She was in a lot of pain. He did call EMS... she's getting medicine she needs now, along with the necessary pt. It's a subacute rehab and they can keep her up to 100 days to do pt, which is fantastic. I'm still not sure how she fell so many times and the aide lives there.
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why would you clean up the shit in the bathroom; let him live with it; then call Adult protective services if he hasn't cleaned it up; let them see how he is treating his wife.
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TouchMatters Jan 2023
This is key and why I quoted it at the beginning of my response.
This woman needs to feel she deserves respect. And that isn't easy with a (likely) life-long dysfunctional relationship with her father/parent(s). This inner psychological pull doesn't stop overnight.

That she did this shows she needs professional help. I, too, suggested / encouraged her to call APS. She needs to remove herself from the situation until she heals herself. Otherwise, it will be revolving door spiraling down to an unfortunate outcome.
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Both of your parents have dementia; dad as well, since he's had a stroke which affected his brain, and he's now acting even more unhinged as a result. If this were me, I'd get the caregiver involved to call me and update me about how things were going with mom; I think that's your best bet b/c you cannot rely on your dad for anything at this point. The caregiver CAN tell you what's happening, what hospital or rehab mom is in, etc.

You should not be doing anything for your father at this point; the caregiver is getting $200 a day to doing light housekeeping, caring and cooking, which should be enough to sustain them. She can call 911 should the need arise, and if she agrees to keep you informed, that should solve the issue you're facing. I'm sorry you're in such a position to begin with, it has to be very hard on you.

If mom is in rehab, why not go visit her there? That's what I'd do if it were me. You know dad won't likely be around, and that's a great way to cast eyes on mom and give her a hug w/o dad being around to irritate you.

Best of luck
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
I completely agree. That was the entire point of getting a live in, to cut me out of the consuming caregiving portion for the two of them. The caregiver only answers to my dad. I don't even know how she qualified for the company she worked for. My dad made a deal with her and she left the agency. She's making more with my dad and he's paying less than what he paid the agency. She does what my father tells her to. When I called to remind her of my mom's Dr appointment, she told me it wasn't her job. She said family members do that. I said that's odd, this was part of the job description when you got hired by the agency and I hung up. She called my phone about 5 times. I wouldn't pick up. She left a message apologizing. She acts irritated when I call to speak to my mom. Not that it matters. I keep it pleasant and short.

My mom had palliative care visiting. The nurse called me last month and told me the aide seems to get on very well with my dad, but not my mom. Palliative care was aware of my concerns. The social worker and the nurse were scattering their appointment every 2 weeks just to keep an eye out. Each one visited once a month. I'm not sure if my dad and mom m cancelled that. I haven't heard anything in almost two months.

Mom just got to the rehab yesterday. I spoke with her today. I'll visit her tomorrow.
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Your bio states: Dad is a narcissist, says it's my job as daughter to care for mom and he "didn't sign up for it".

You probably know that's a bunch of cow manure. When your dad married your mom and took vows for "sickness and health, better or worse", etc, he WAS signing up for "it".

Have your read Cloud and Townsend's book, "Boundaries"? I highly recommend it. I've struggled with boundaries also.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
Believe me...that was the first thing my husband and I said "his vows". I'll check it out thanks!
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II know how truly frustrating and disheartening all of this must be! My mom is going through a lot of irrationality as well. She completely does not trust me and has put total trust in someone she's only known for only 4 months. She even wants to make her her poa. What's worse is the woman has agreed to it not knowing anything about our family or my mom's background with her drinking and verbal abusiveness! It's scary to say the least as I have no idea if this woman might have any other intentions.

II have gotten very close to God and have tried to do a lot of letting go! If it were me and my mom was put in a rehab and would not be going back to a good situation, I would ask the doctors if they could perhaps look into perhaps having her have better care in assisted living. If need be, take pictures of the house in disarray and see if you can get guardianship of your mom. That way your dad will not be involved. Maybe you could set up a group like naborforce who are seniors as well and help to take care of other seniors. That way you will not have to focus on him and take his continual his abusiveness. Sending you prayers and wishing you all the best!
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I understand your situation all too well. My Dad is the same way and APS has two cases on him. They did NOTHING, but tell us to "take care of it (situation with him)". We asked what can we do? He would not give any of us POA and would not go to the doctor to be evaluated. They also advised us to get courts involved but did advise that it would cost money to do so. We were using the money for my Mom's care. My mom did pass away within the past month. It pains me that he interfered so much with her care.

I ended up going to counseling regarding setting boundaries. Set the expectation with him of what you are willing to do and maintain that. I wish you peace in this situation.
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Fedup45 Jan 2023
My condolences on the loss of your mother. Thank you, I wish you peace also 😊
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don't do anything to help and call Adult protective services; he can't make you a slave; he has to participate in her care if he is able and he is making her care impossible. Narcissism isn't an excuse; get the state involved tell them what you have had to do but are not doing it anymore because he is abusive to you.
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