I apologize if this is not the right place or even website for such a question, but I'm at the end of my rope stressing out over this and decided to give this site a shot.
I'm 23 and earned my M.Ed last year. I've recently begun the process of applying to positions at universities, which has been an exciting prospect to think I'll finally put my skills to use.
But then there's the family side. My family essentially consists of me, my uncle, my mother, and my grandfather. My uncle and I live in a big city about 4-5 hours from my mom and grandpa, who live in a small town. My mother contracted a disease five years ago that has her in chronic pain all the time, which has worn her down mentally and physically and pretty much driven away all of her friends because of her inability to spend time with them without pain. In addition, my grandmother passed a few years ago, leaving my mother caring for my grandpa. All things considered, he's in good health, but looking after him can be a monumental task when any little problem he encounters then becomes my mother's problem. He doesn't really know how to care for himself since it was always done by my grandma, so my mom has taken on the task of preparing meals for him (so she cooks twice, because he eats much earlier than she does), cleaning his house, and running his errands. All in all, that doesn't sound too bad. But with my mother's chronic pain, she's hanging by a thread.
So I feel stuck. I know there's not proper equivalence to caring for a child and caring for a parent/grandparent, but I feel a sense of duty to move back home and help. But with no cure existing for my mother's disease and my grandfather still looking like he's got several years left (thankfully), I have no way of knowing how long I'd be down there. I wouldn't be able to actively pursue my career as a campus organizer at colleges, I'd be hours away from the nearest city, and I'd have virtually no friends, as they all moved away from the small town as well. And it truly terrifies me to think my life will just be staying in that town and working an office job at some company. My uncle is unable to help because of his recurrence of melanoma, so he has to stay in the city for treatments. I've never been stressed or depressed before this past year, but with this decision having been on the horizon, I've truly experienced both, to the point I've even had meltdowns involving manic actions.
I know everyone's situation is ultimately up their individual feelings and circumstances, but I'm just looking for any advice or thoughts at all. I was supposed to see a therapist, but they never got back in touch with me. And I have to make this decision soon. I want to help my family, who I have a good relationship with aside from the fact that my grandfather can be really arrogant and sarcastic. But I also want to get my own life moving.
My mother I know is too guilt-ridden to ask me to move down to help, but if it's my own choice, she'd probably be grateful. All I would be doing at home would be fairly minor things, such as occupying my grandpa to give my mother a break, shopping for groceries, and preparing a few meals. And while I know even those things would be an immense help, I can't help but weigh that against the value of starting a career and a life.
It frankly sounds as though your mom is wearing herself out caring for grandpa. Depending upon grandpa's resources, can he hire outside help? Does he qualify for care in the home through Medicaid? Has mom explored these resources for him?
As to mom, there my be no cure for her illness, but is she getting the best care available? Pain management? Once she's freed up from caring for her dad ( who sounds like he causes a lot of stress for her) she might find that her physical and psychological health improves
And call the therapist. Don't put that off.
I also want to add that I have children your age. I wouldn't dream of asking them to limit their life choices to care for me or my parents. Not in a million years.
My grandfather is the most stubborn man alive, multiplied by 500. He gets angry at us when we try to just do his dishes. I know he won't let anyone else care for him or accept any help. Which I know isn't exactly an uncommon sentiment at that age. It's the last of his independence, and I realize that. But the alternative is to let him live in filth, which neither my mom nor I can let happen.
My mother is in pain management, but it really isn't helping. It takes her pain from a 10 to an 8 for a couple hours each day. We've explored practically every option for this and undergone multiple surgeries and treatments, to no avail.
What you said is how I know my mother feels. I know she won't ever ask me to move home because she wants me to live my own life. But she has said, when I asked her directly, "Yes, I need you. You would be an immense help here." But she isn't asking it or mandating it, and she only said that much because I firmly asked her. I know she wants me to live my life, but it just feels like I'm turning a blind eye to the people who have done so much for me over my lifetime.
I’m pretty sure no one intended for you to go to school and complete your degree to come back home and run errands for grandfather.
It’s time for grandfather to find help that he qualifies for or is able to afford.
Keep it very simple.
Your mom as you have already observed is not going to be able to long term care for her father. The longer she tries, the more worn out she will become.
Grandfather is getting all the care when mom needs to be self caring as long as possible.
Call the Area Agency on Aging to determine services available to help both your mom and grandfather.
You can make recommendations but unless one or both are willing to accept them there is little you can do.
Have their situations assessed and go from there.
This is a great place to vent and to seek advice but remember if your elders are competent to make their own decisions for their care then that is their right.
It’s not unusual for a caretaker to pass before their patient such as what happened to your grandmother.
Does she realize that by "doing" for her dad, she's probably making it worse?
I'm sorry if that sounds blunt and cold, but it's the truth for many caregivers. A whopping 40% of caregivers DIE before the folks they are caring for do.
Your mom needs to lay down this burden...now. That does NOT equate to YOUR picking it up, dear boy.
It's just difficult to allow my grandpa to choose living how he would without us. He's capable, but he refuses to learn to do stuff like use the microwave and dishwasher. He's not physically unable. It's just never something he had to do since he always had someone at home to care for things. Now he just lets it all go, and it reflects back on my mom and me as poor family if we don't do anything to help when other people see his house. But maybe I misunderstood your point.
Barb, my mother has Trigeminal Neuralgia Type 2.
She absolutely knows caring for him is taking a huge toll on her and probably exacerbating her symptoms. But she has an compulsion to be the "faithful daughter" or the "woman of the family," as she puts it. She lives next door to him (and always has) and so can't just ignore him (not that he'd let her because he's always got something on his mind, and he's never understood the concept of taking time to rest, even when ill. He believes in nothing but hard work.)
It's just confusing for all of us. Because we all want to help each other, but we all know it's hurting us more. I know my mother will not let go of her duties with my grandfather, though. Even though it stresses her out to no end, it does, I suppose, give her some sense of purpose in life.
If your mother needs help, then she needs to look into what is available to her and your grandfather in their community. Your mother has made the choice to do for her father, even though it is not the best choice for her. She can tell him no, she can tell him, if he wants her to prepare his dinner, he will have to eat when she does. She can tell him she can no longer perform all the duties she has been and he will have to accept outside help.
Do you see the road you're headed down? I read similar stories on this site all the time.
This next step may determine your entire future. My advice would be to get a job and help your mom find help for both her and her father. If she wants to keep taking care of her dad to her own detriment that's her choice. I just hope you don't make the same choice!
It's less that my grandpa is unwilling to learn. I guess I worded that incorrectly. Technology as a whole intimidates him, and it's just machinery he's not used to. And he does wash his dishes, but not well, so we have to come back and redo it. That's where the issues are. He's not intentionally lording over us. It's an unfortunate effect of his personality. Independent, stubborn, and unwilling to ever talk about more intimate topics (like this). We do have a housekeeper who comes every two weeks to his house, but that's sort of like a bandaid. It's easy for me to tell my mom to step back, as I have done many times, but I know all too well that compulsion feeling, as I have it every time I'm home visiting. It's hard to break and the guilt is overwhelming.
Barb, she saw a therapist. And I don't throw this around lightly, but she was a quack. I worked in a psych department before. This lady did not know what she was doing. And unfortunately that has sort of capped off any further attempts at therapy.
I know what you all are saying is probably the right choice in the grand scheme of things. It's just difficult to see my mom, who used to love singing, sewing, and laughing do none of those things and have pain even smiling or talking from the nerve pain. I know she's lonely, and there really aren't any people I can even think of in the small town that she could try to socialize with even if she felt like it. They're all gone, like my old friend group.
But still, I do appreciate all this advice. I know in my heart it's what needs to be done. I hate, though, that it always feels like nothing but lip service when I say "I'll move back down if you need." Because I know she does need, but I also know in the end neither of us will allow it.
I truly feel for anyone who has ever faced a similar predicament and chose either option. It's not easy to let the family go, and it's even harder to stay with them.
Yes, there are lots of bad psychotherapists out there ( I'm in the business). I'd try to get mom to a psychiatrist who works with a pain management team.
You need to Dr the big picture here. Gramps has entitlement issues and is starting down the road to dementia ( sounds like). Mom is in a hostage situation. And you?
My thoughts? Start making some money with that degree. Use some of it to hire some help for your MOM. She has chosen to be at your grandfather's beck and call, and you can't change her mind. So get her some help at HER home for HERSELF. Tell her you won't take no for an answer. Use her Mom Guilt if you have to. "Well, geez mom, if you won't accept paid help, then I'll have to give up my career and come home."
It's really really difficult to manage two households, but that's what she's doing. So if you can't stop her from managing grandad's household, then maybe try to ease her burden at home. Maybe someone can come in and cook meals for mom and grandfather at your mom's house - then mom can take grandfather's portion next door to him, and he never has to know she didn't do it herself. Maybe while she's cleaning his house someone can come and clean hers, so she doesn't have to sacrifice that extra energy to do both. Set up grocery delivery for HER, instead of him. Do you see where I'm going with this?
If she's in chronic pain, these tasks are HARD for her. She's doing twice as many tasks as a person without pain normally does, which is naturally making her pain worse. So if you really want to help your mom, I think hiring some help for HER (while still using the degree she wanted you to have) IS helping her.
As for her mental health, we just live in such a small place that a lot of services aren't offered. She has to travel 5 hours monthly to get her medications (and that's stress in itself because of new regulations limiting how much the pharmacy can have on hand, so she never knows if she'll actually get what she needs to survive the pain). But she just doesn't want to travel any more than she has to, and she doesn't like the idea of seeing the few practitioners we have in the town. Since it's a small community, she doesn't want other people knowing she goes there. She has the stigma about therapy, even though she believes it is a positive thing.
Dorianne, thanks for your response. My mother also has a housekeeper weekly at her house. She has the funds to hire someone else if she wants, and we've been over that before. You're right in that everything's doubly, if not quadruply, hard for her. Her general response is that she would have to watch over anyone but me (because she knows I know how to do things.) She doesn't want the added stress of having to check over the people's work. She's Type-A personality, so she doesn't like trusting other people with tasks because she wants it done right.
I'm going home this weekend anyway, though, so I'll bring up this again.
Edit: plus, as someone who's done housekeeping and property maintenance....you always work harder when the boss is watching, lol.
It truly is a hard thing, there are times I feel like I am not strong enough. But I draw strength from God, and make it through each day.
This is not a light decision you are trying to make, and you will have to live with the choice that you make either way. You seem like a very loving and caring person. You must do what your heart thinks is the right thing.
Only you can truly decide what the right thing is for you to do.
I can tell you that even on my most difficult day, I do not regret it one bit. I am blessed to have this opportunity to give back what I was given. Pray about it.
May God bless you in this difficult decision.
I find it odd when people say they don't want family to care for them, as I've had family say to me; but people will pay the minimum required wages for unknown strangers to take care of them and their homes?
I've worked as a minimum wage housekeeper to 'independent' retirees in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, and I think it's sad that family doesn't take care of family any more in America; strangers taking care of me and my home in rotating shifts isn't the geriatric future I want. I have always preferred taking out my parents' garbage than taking out strangers' garbage, even if I do get a paycheck for it.
I visited my 95-year-old grandmother last year and when I mentioned I'd be happy to clean up her place a bit to give her cleaning lady a rest, she wouldn't hear of it; I really wanted to help the cleaning lady out too because she has more than enough to do all the time -- cleaning ladies always have more than enough to do and will find things to do if something gets done for them. That's why I don't listen to people over 90 any more, I don't think they know what's best since they haven't been in the working world for 20 or 30 years. But that's me; I see things differently due to my life experiences.
At 23, you could die tomorrow in a car wreck; I almost did when I was your age, a freak accident no one could have predicted. I didn't die, but it changed my life. You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, who will be alive or who won't be. But colleges and jobs will always be there. Always.
My dad had his stroke two weeks before I graduated with my degree, which was in his field; he was my mentor, instructor, and I had been working for his business a full year as a court reporter when the stroke happened. It changed our lives completely; the future I thought I had working side by side with my dad was taken from me without choice. He lived and is still alive, but it was instant retirement and nothing has been the same since; except the work I'm trained in is still in demand when I want to go out and pursue it. So, the work is still there but my dad isn't there like he used to be.
I'll never get time with him again like I did when he was my mentor (when I was your age exactly) and I'm thankful for that precious time I got with him during those few years. If I hadn't chosen to study and go into business with him, I would have missed all of that; he even questioned me at first to not go into his work as many parents do who work in the legal field; had I listened, I would have lost even more time with him that could never have been made up later. I'm glad I didn't listen.
One of the hardest parts of growing up is figuring out when NOT to listen to your elders and parents; I'm almost 40 and I still want to listen to my parents even when I know they don't know what's best any more, because that is what I am trained to do as their child -- obey my parents.
Parents want what they think is best, but that does not mean they know what is truly best. It's your life, not theirs; you have to live it for you, even if that means helping them when they think you shouldn't. My dad apologizes to me when I take care of him and I tell him that's nonsense and to not apologize; due to his stroke I question if he just repeats the apologies without meaning them since it's his habit now to always apologize. I told my dad that he changed my diapers and took care of me when I was unable to as a baby, so now I've returned the favor and done it for him. I'm thankful I've done it and learned through the experience.
That's not to say it's always the best of times, but that can depend on family dynamics too. If you have a dysfunctional family where people don't respect each other or communicate with each other, you might be better off pursuing your career than helping family; healthy family dynamics plays a big part in family caring for family.
Schools don't go away, universities don't go away, and new professions are always being created thanks to technology that connects people across great distances. You're 23 and you may never get an opportunity to care for these family members again. You may get time with them you will never get again; it may not always be the best of times, but it will be an organic learning lesson that you will only grow from. Don't listen to people who are dying -- listen to yourself and what your gut is telling you.
You don't need anyone to tell you what to do. You know what you want to do, so just do it and know that you can always change courses again if something isn't working out. Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our problems, so said someone else. Good luck!
As for the original question of whether you should...
#1 chuck your life in the bin and move home to enable this unhealthy dynamic, or
#2 pursue the career you've worked for...
Hmmm, which option would you recommend to someone you liked?
Not much ameliorated by stress, though, I seem to remember from observing my late FIL.
DaCrowz, I'm very sorry that your mother has been visited by this, and I realise that it is notoriously intractable and debilitating. But some of her difficulties are capable of solution: surely her px can be delivered? Not all on-line pharmacies are dodgy, there are plenty of perfectly respectable companies now offering a repeat px supply service.
Her anxieties about her standing in the community, her fear of stigma - these things are real, and important to her, I appreciate. But there are other aspects to her approach which are just as real: for example that it is destructive to her own wellbeing, and a disservice to a society which needs to confront mental ill health and stop the pretending.
I don't see that any of this is an argument for you to return. Help your mother find answers by all means; but you're not it.
Treeartist, I'll look into Lithium. I'm sure she's already read up on it, but it can't hurt to mention it again.
Eve, I know why my mother says that. She's supported me through all my studies, financially and emotionally, and she wants me to make use of my life and not be chained like she is now. I know saying "chained" is a negative way to look at caring for your family, but I know that's how she feels, especially with her condition. She's said as much, and I know she doesn't want me to throw everything away. But on the other hand, I know she needs help of some sort. So that's of course where the conflicting views come in.
Barb, Yes, she has seen several. She is still with one right now who oversees the pain management portion. Most she sees refuse to do any more surgeries besides one called gamma knife, which has proven ineffective for her particular type of Trigeminal Neuralgia.
CM, I'm sure that's part of it. And she knows it too. And knowing that she's causing even more elevated pain and stress only further stresses her out because she's unable to stop her own habits. I'd love for her to see another therapist, as I've urged her to do for a while. But you can't make a horse drink from water after leading it there.
As for her medications, they don't allow that. One does get delivered, but the others are regulated too much for them to risk mail delivery. Sometimes my uncle or I can pick it up for her and then mail from there. But if we're unavailable, she has to make the trek, and the worry of not knowing about the px is still there anyway. She has to come up every other month to follow-up with the doctor anyway.
I appreciate all the support, everyone. I've got a lot to reflect on after all this, and hopefully we'll work out the best arrangement for both of us.
You will be giving up the best years of your life, relationships, friends, a family of your own. DON'T burden yourself out of guilt or that you owe them anything. Parenting is a gift of love paid forward; not one where you are obligated to reciprocate and care-give full time.
It's a mistake -- you will regret; go to grad school; have fun, visit family when you can but don't get sucked in and don't feel guilty.
Its difficult, get counseling to help you reconcile your feelings and make the best decision for yourself - get counseling at the university where you are going or just graduated from.
Good luck.
You say you’re sure that if you moved back home to help the situation your mom would be relieved; she even said to you that you’d be a tremendous help. I’m afraid that’s where you are mistaken DaCrowz.
I’m 45, my mom is 83, but other than age the situation is pretty similar. I moved with my mom overseas -left my house, sold belongings, left a very good job- because in our particular situation it was absolutely necessary. But every day since then it hurts me tremendously to know that although my mom is being cared for and loved, she lives an absolute (repeat, absolute!) Calvary every day because she feels she literally destroyed my life by having me here.
So every day I conclude that if the situation weren’t as extreme as it is from a practical standpoint I’d rather find another solution somehow so she didn’t feel the pain she feels inside for considering herself the reason my life has sunken. Pain inside is much worse to endure than physical pain.
You did a very good job at explaining your family situation, but although for you it may seem like extreme, I don’t think it is. Not enough to put your life on hold and cause the type of pain you’d be causing to your mother. You and her might not even realize it now, her because she’s overwhelmed and her physical pain is wearing her down, and you because you’re looking at the situation also overwhelmed with worry, guilt and love. But in the long run she’ll be the one feeling guilty and depressed and you stuck and maybe even resentful.
It is true that family comes first, never doubt it. But how we do good to them is what needs to be well assessed so we don’t make mistakes with lifelong repercussions. I don’t think you’d be doing your mom a true favor by moving home. She’d be suffering more than she suffers with her physical pain.
As to what to do then, I have learned on this very website about CBD oil, have not tried it because it is not legal where I’m. But I hear it is a great alternative for pain and more effective than regular medication. Can you do some research and see if you could get it and if checking with her doctor they’d advise you to try is on your mom? I really have heard it does wonders, wish I could get if for my mom.
Also do some research as to what’s available in your area as far as help. Some organizations do volunteer work (not even talking about the regular system provided help, which you should also look into). Maybe they could come to your mom’s house and help her with daily chores, including cooking. Or if you can afford it, hire someone to come to your mom’s houseonce or twice a week to clean and cook, maybe cook enough for several days, so your mom is relieved from those activities. Your grandfather doesn’t need to know who made the meal. Maybe your mom’s job could be reduced to just bring it to him.
In any case, his stubbornness is by no means a valid enough reason to put your life on hold. Please understand that. If you were a little older and had a little more experience you’d see it clearly.
That by no means implies not helping him or caring for him or loving him. But you as a family need to find a way to do all that in a way that the entire family is not sacrificing everything in the process.
I’d gather as much information as you can about possible ways to get help. Research online, make phone calls, go to places to get information. Then go back home (nothing like face to face conversations) and have a family meeting, including your uncle but excluding your grandfather. Share with them the information you’ve collected, present all the choices. Also share with them what you’re struggling with, your guilt, your love for them. Make a decision as a family.
I’ve a feeling you’ll be surprised as to the different resources available and as to your family willingness to try those avenues. Once the decision has been made, help them get settled, reach out to where they need to reach out, leave the situation established if you’ve time. Then you could leave relieved because you will have taken care of your mom and grandpa, still being always ready to help them and love them but in a situation that’s manageable.
Hope some of this helps and God bless you for the good heart you have!
There is a big difference between being there for your family and moving there for your family. Your mother and grandfather both made their choices and must learn to live with the consequences. You cannot rescue them nor should you try.
Do what you can and do it with love. If that means visiting once a month for a day or two and doing some grocery shopping or meal planning, then that's what you can do. You are not their private duty nurse!
As for RX, can she call ahead and have a time when they know she will be there, this way she can be assured they have her meds. I ran into a situation that was similar, highly controlled drugs, so I used the same pharmacy and they were able to order my scripts in addition to what they normally kept on hand. If they won't work with her, she really needs to find a pharmacy and pharmacist that will. Also, my insurance company has a pharmacy for mail order controlled substances that can mail with signature required my 3 month supply, I must see my Dr qtrly for new scripts, no refills allowed.
You can help your family without giving up your life, if you were my son, of course, I would want you around and you would be a help. But no way would I let you forsake your life to come and help me. Come visit, call when you can but, go get started with your life, find a wonderful woman to love and bring me a grandbaby or 2 or 3 or? These are some of the most important years of you life and they are irreplaceable. A loving functional family would have your life at the center of their concerns, as you would have theirs as yours and everyone would do what they could, like it or not to help everyone have a life. Granddad would learn to use the microwave, mom would allow a housekeeper and you would call regularly, earn a good salary to help pay and visit as often as possible.
Please do not let guilt cause you to forfeit your life and education. If someone is interested in others welfare, nothing is beyond there abilities, that is an excuse to keep others obligated to them.
There are solutions for everything you have brought up, now everyone needs to stop agreeing with all the excuses and stops being put up so nobody but you has to sacrifice so they get what they want. I know that is harsh and I appologize if it hurts you. I just don't want to see you be the sacrifice so they can continue to have it their way.
God bless you.
Your Mom & Grandfather have long term conditions that will get worse requiring more & more care over time especially with out seeking additional outside
services as soon as possible (Office of the Aging or more private pay help) to assist them thru this as others have pointed out. YOU alone are not capable of fixing it all either.
What concerns me to a certain extent is I hear you saying you understand all the good advice but ....but....but... Alot of your responses are indeed valid & I know this because you feel an overpowering debt of gratitude to your sweet sweet Mother who gave you everything from her heart to help you attain success in life.
This is how you were raised....family first. After-all your Mom is taking care of her Dad with the best of intentions. Had she herself remained in good health we would not be having this discussion.....she would be taking excellent care of your Grandfather no doubt. To be raised in such a loving home with a focus on education is truly a gift.
I hear you making some of the same excuses & possibly not so great choices that your Mom is currently making. That is NOT a criticism...it sounds like a belief system difference from your Grandfathers generation to your Moms & now yours. But YOU have solutions...you just have to do the leg work as Mom is not capable. I know it's coming from a place of love but YOU must break the cycle. Not the cycle of love but the belief that you & Mom can handle this by yourselves. Even if you were to sacrifice EVERYTHING to move there it still would not be enough.
I believe I understand you so desperately want to be there for the family that has sacrificed so much for you. I feel that in your posts as I too feel the same unconditional love for my sweet Mother.
I moved in with my 94 yo Mom post stroke but I am at the end of my career. Having said all of that would I have made that decision @ your age? Maybe...with regrets...maybe?
How about staying with your Mom for an extended period to help her navigate solutions rather than at this point creating a move there or not move there predicament?It might not have to come to that. It's the best way to determine whats really going on to figure out some real solutions that work best for them & that you could help manage from a distance.
Good luck....keep us posted......