How do I decide if I should stop being a caregiver?

My apologies for my untimely reply that was solely based on your heartbreaking, lengthy and infuriating post. It was moving.
Anyway, perhaps your plaintive post and my discriptive reply will be helpful for someone else who will not be as happily fortunate as you.
Congratulations to you on your speedy resolution.
Congratulations to me that I am still able to learn.
Sincere best wishes to you and your family in all things.

Hello Yorkie, from what i read about your mom's Parkinsons disease, plus with dementia, plus incontinence. I have been a 24/7 caregiver for my wife who has Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, incontinence, paralyzed waist down, with brain lesions that affect her memory.
I have been a 24/7 caregiver since 2008. it is so unfortunate that Disease can impact so many lives. I tell my wife really simple " we bought the ticket, so we are along for the ride ". I want to talk about you. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself. If something happens to you then how can you help your mom? So, first you have to take care of yourself.
I have 4 sisters, as a 24/7 caregiver i manage my wife's care with medical professionals, and due to my wife's memory issues back in March 2005 i also have Power of attorney that legal document gives me the right to manage my wife's care. So, if you do not have one, do yourself a favor obtain it.
Next, choosing to be a 24/7 caregiver is a person's life decision. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, it takes a special person to step up and decide to be a caregiver for a loved one.
Next, as a 24/7 caregiver for your mom, when she has medical appointments, let them know you are your mom's 24/7 caregiver, and ask them what can i do at home to better take care of my mom and improve my mom's " Quality of Care" at home?
Next, time for yourself and your family. search online for "in-home care agencies" These are agencies that bill insurance for health aides to come in so many hours a week to take care of your mom giving you a break. As a caregiver, you need time for yourself. Use this time to plan stuff to do with your family.
Next, once you have looked at home health agencies online, and check the agencies online reviews also.
Also, taking your mom to an adult daycare, your mom feels more comfortable being at home, she feels safe at home. There are some areas that also have people that will just come to your home and sit/visit with your mom, giving you a break to do "all about you stuff ".
All caregivers cross the road of being stressed out as a caregiver, that's why you need those hours every week FOR you/family. I get 100 hours a Month of a health aide, and it is designed to give caregivers a break, so ask yourself, what if you had a health aide that many hours a Month every Month. That will make your caregiving so much easier, giving you that time to do the things you want to do.
Also, should your mom be hospitalized for whatever reason, you can also mention to the Physicians that you would like for your mom to go to a skilled nursing facility for some rehab, and Medicare does pay 100 % for up to 100 days for some rehab, giving you/family a much-needed break. Usually, rehab is only like a couple weeks. They will help your mom walk better with skilled nurses. But research the skilled nursing facilities near you, check the facilities reviews.
Being a caregiver can be very positive to where you enjoy your every day with your family.
I have two sisters that were caregivers to my mom. My mom lived with them, and when i would go over to visit them, and mom, it was happy times. what does your mom enjoy doing? does she like to watch tv, does she like to cook? How does she like to spend her day? Then plan fun things for her, us kids would always say " if momma is happy everyone is happy".
YOU are a special lady; your mom is very lucky mom to have you. Once your family can see how easy it can be to be a caregiver, then they just might be more comfortable with the idea "caregiving". When we have a loved one with a disease like MS, Parkinsons, that have no cure. It affects the whole family. Some family just cannot face it, and it takes a special person like yourself to say "I am my mom's 24/7 caregiver, and with some insight you can/will succeed.
Never be afraid to reach out to someone, if nothing more just to vent. Just remember "You" are special. Have a wonderful day.

Hi Yorkie,
I write from the patient's perspective. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ almost 6 yrs ago. My diagnosis was changed to MidStages last April. I have a different perspective on caring for other family members. I developed this when our youngest child who is now 15 was born with a rare Metabolic Disease. Every bit of food given to her had to be weighed on a gram scale. All of her meds have to be weighed on a gram scale. Now she is in high school and is able to fix her own meals and meds. Her older brothers range in age from 40's to mid 20's. They were a big help when they were in Jr High and High School. They never had to be asked to help.
Go forward to now, I need a lot of help I stopped cooking when I am home alone, I stopped driving on my own 2 yrs ago.
Now, I make this about my advice to you the Caregiver. Number one, you are caregiver to your oldest child and when the new baby arrives, they become your first responsibility, simply because the baby will be completely dependent on you and your husband.
I believe that you will be shortchanging your children if you take on taking care of your mother in law. Now, if you husband is not working, he can be responsible for his mother. Should he be taking care of the children, and you want to help with your mother in law, good for you, but don't take her on as your primary responsibility. Enjoy caring for your children and husband. My opinion, I think it's time for MIL to be put in a SNF. My opinion, I hope my message was helpful. Prayers will be going up for you over Holy Week and Easter.
God Bless you,
John

I understand your position. I am my wife's caregiver and am very fortunate her adult children will pitch in occasionally so I can have a break for a day or two.

Can you have a professional caregiver come in for 1 or 2 days a week? You really need time for yourself.

It helps me when I take care of my needs first (personal hygiene, eating, etc.). I know things come up that need immediate attention.

I pray for patients almost every day. Don't forget the Lord can provide strength and peace for you and you mom.

Everything got resolved, MIL is staying with another sibling for now while the family looks into care options.

Thanks for the helpful answers!

You posted that your husband promised his mom that she would never have to go to a home. Boy was that a mistake. What is he, Bill Gates? Does he have the staff to take care of his mother? Does he understand that as a husband his primary responsibility is to his wife and children? Just as your primary responsibility is to your immediate family.  

In what shape does he think he's going to find you at the end of a day of wiping kids' and a full grown woman's butt, not to mention washing them, shopping, cooking, cleaning house, helping with homework, planning birthdays and play dates with other children for socialization. How could you make the home life that he'd want to come home to? How can you be the cheerful person you'd want to be. How can you let those morons get away with saying you do nothing?

Also in your last paragraph you say that the family won't listen to what your husband and you have to say.  You need to be very clear with your husband that the marriage will suffer and that he and your home come first.

Give a deadline to the sibling that has the POA. Don't discuss it. Just stick to, "I can't do it. You have a week". If they push back say, "I'm too sick, I've got to go", and hang up, not another word.
  
If you weren't Momma Bear before, NOW’S THE TIME. 
Fight for your home and children.

If you haven't the oomph due to stress, a toddler, and pregnancy, (although sometimes protective Momma Bear juices flow even stronger at those times),then go to your church counselor/pastor, your doctor, a hospital social worker and possibly an abuse agency even just for advice. You can say that although you may be barking up the wrong tree could they direct you 'cause you're at your wits' end and don't know where to turn. Let them have a copy of what you posted on this site because your mental and physical health is at risk. Actually there's more at risk, but I'll get into that in a minute.  

Not all good hearted people are saps, but those that are don't think realistically, and other people see those babies coming like radar. They know saps can be put upon because they know how their brain works… “Oh maybe they're right, I should help”, or “I can do a little more”, or “I can eat (cr-p) just a little more”, and “I know can do it 'cause I'm such a good person, and anyway someone is going to come and help out 'cause surely that's what I’d do”.  NO they won’t help. You’re the someone that has to come to the rescue not even your husband, who should be running through walls to be the man and protect his own, not VOLUNTEER YOU to be his mommy's nannie. For cripes sake a pregnant woman with a child, a house, and such-a-man husband to take care of. 

Just had a word come to mind - martyr. Are you one of those? Before I continue let's pause for a little joke I just remembered. Do you know the difference between a masochist and a sadist? A masochist says hurt me, hurt me. The sadist replies…No.

Maybe you enjoy this. What is it about killing yourself that is enjoyable? 
Religious guilt? How does that even fit in any way shape or form here? Did you stick a turkey baster in MIL’s eye. Did you knock out one of the legs of MIL walker? Did you 'cause her harm. YOU DO NOT FEEL GUILT. You feel sad and bad about your MIL’s situation. Get a dictionary and look up the word guilt. I'm so tired of the misuse. You are the last person on this earth to be of any good. Instead you will make many things worse e.g. your children’s mental health, their personalities, physical health, education, your marriage, and you. What are you thinking? You are one of two precious linch pins in your family. Protect that.

When your man comes home let him 100% take care of his mother. What kind of Neanderthal did you hook up with?  Be the matriarch. Grow a set.

Do you have family?  
Pack a bag for yourself and your child and go there and don't go back 'till your husband man's up and puts his family first and gets mom back to POA sibling or anywhere.

Update:
My husband and I had some conversations with his siblings, and MIL is now staying with another sibling while the family arranges long term care.

Thank you for all the helpful responses!

Your family is your priority! Your child is suffering a "healthy mother". You are seeing and will continue to see a declining care for your daughter. Your care or chore responsibilities will continue to deteriorate. Your mind and body is telling you to quit. Get family together to decide...because you make it very clear "you are quitting".

Your tired and need help...if giving up is out of the question

Yorkie473mom: You cannot nor should not continue in this role, which seems to be thrust upon you. Talk to your husband about the issue; you must be FINIS because you are a high risk pregnancy since a C-section is already scheduled.

it always seems easy for others to make comments, when they aren't the ones who have to do it! having a toddler and being a caretaker to an elderly is like having two toddlers'. plus you being pregnant that alone is exhausting. you must ask for help!!!!! no matter how you get it you must get it! that's all i have to say

You are already sick. You are already high risk if a csection has been scheduled. Your sickness could be making your fetus sick even before it is born. Your toddler already doesn’t have her mommy because you are sick…and because you are getting sick over the human waste factor from HIS mother.

To save ur children and yourself, you tell hubs that today he’s getting that poa sister to take her in or put her in a home. Or tomorrow you go to a divorce lawyer, sick, large pregnant belly and all.Between alimony and child support and most likely losing his home, there shouldn’t be a choice here. And if your mil was ever a good person before being a pissing and worse burden, she would probably agree.

Get. Her. Out. Your babies lives depend on it.

You said enough right there when you said, "I do not want to be a caregiver." You have multiple reasons why you should NOT be caregiving, but you don't even to have reasons. You are not going to persuade any of the relatives to take over and you are not going to persuade MIL to go to day care if she does not want to. MIL may not have the luxury of getting to choose.

The sibling with the medical/financial POA needs to arrange placement in a facility. That sibling may be refusing to spend any of mother's money on MIL's care and think you should do it "for free." I do not know what you have to do to make the POA act on MIL's behalf. At this point your husband may be agreeing to the POA sibling's demands, but this is not workable for you. He will have to forgo being the "good son." Does your hospital group have a Social Services Department? Please look for help from the Social Services Dept or a Senior Advocacy group to find out how to make a medical POA properly administer MIL's resources for her care.

Your first responsibility is to yourself (your own health) and your immediate family. Your daughter is missing out that she cannot go to the park and play with friends. Unfortunately, your husband already promised your MIL that she can live with you (apparently without consulting you). You will know better than I if he will be flexible if you talk to him about your own health issues and difficulties. Neither of you saw that coming. Do you think he will change his mind? You'll have to get him on board first. Then he will have to talk to the family and to his mother about her living in assisted living. Your life is only going to get more complicated when the new baby comes. And your MIL's health is likely to decline over the coming years as she ages. Try to ditch the guilt and think only of your and your family's capabilties. If you could do it with additional help several hours a day, then perhaps your husband can make it happen by speaking with your MIL's POA. If your husband is not going to be cooperative, then you have other difficult decisions to make. Try to keep a clear head and keep your wits about you.

But my Dear, You ARE a caregiver, to a small child, your unborn infant AND YOURSELF.

Your husband made an INVALID PROMISE to his mother. It was based on his emotional attachment to her, and has NOTHING to do with his present, REALITY BASED LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES.

”You don’t DO ANYTHING ANYWAY”? An ignorant, self serving, offensive comment, if anyone ever spoke one.

Mother, with dementia, has ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in making choices for herself that are in conflict with YOUR WELFARE. Her SAFETY is important, and POA should indeed be overseeing and developing her NEW CARE PLAN, starting with removal from your home.

Since you are treated abysmally by them, and clearly shown no respect, why on earth would you be concerned about their negative reactions to your desire to defend yourself and your babies’ welfare. Let them pout, let them grouse.

If it were only you who was being used so crudely, the decision about continuing would STILL be yours to make, but when it comes to doing your best for your children, it’s time to choose FOR THEM.

Speak up with quiet confidence. Your input is FAR overdue.

Why would you jeopardize YOUR health, Your family, Your unborn child for your MIL. Let your husband’s siblings take her in or they find suitable placing for her. Quite frankly, you are sacrificing your young life and family for someone who has lived her life. Your husband’s family sound selfish to dump on you but I have found that usually the people that get dumped on and are used as doormats are the people that ALLOW it. There is no religion that I know of that wants you to be treated poorly so don’t use that (guilt) as an excuse for accepting such treatment.

I was listening to Christian talk radio yesterday and it was on this very topic of guilt around saying "no" when people ask for help. One key point to consider is that when you do NOT say "no" to caring for MIL, you are in fact saying "no" to your daughter. SHE is the one who needs you right now, as well as your new baby. And you need to put yourself and these little ones first.
I agree 100% with the others who have said she needs to go, now! Your health and your mental health and your family are all at risk here. Don't worry about his family being upset with you.

The stress is impacting your health so something must change in this situation. Since his siblings will not help, you and your husband need to discuss options you have. If there is adult day care and her finances can cover the cost, then you will simply have to tell her that she will go to adult day care - for the sake of your health and the baby's health - or she will need to move into assisted living or a skilled nursing facility. I would suggest talking to MIL's doctor about other options to help her since he/she has most likely had this conversation many times with families where the loved one has advanced Parkinson's.

Your 4th paragraph said it all to me. The person who has medical/financial POA is the one who is responsible for your MIL.

Thats’s the person who is authorized to make decisions for her……not you or your husband. It is that person’s duty to find & make sure she gets the best care.

I wish someone had told me this sooner. I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did. Best wishes to you. Hugs

I got to the first line in your second paragraph and I said...enough.
You are a young mom with your hands full and more to come.
Start looking for Memory Care for mom. Not Assisted Living, she needs Memory Care.
Set up a tour of a few places and when you find one you think will be a good fit begin the process of getting her in residence.
If siblings do not agree, let them care for MIL. DON'T back down.
Yes she is not going to like it.
She will probably tell you she hates you, that you are dumping her and every other thing she will say to make you "feel guilty"
She is not going to get better, she will decline and as much work as it is now to care for her it will get more difficult.
I based the decision on placing my Husband on SAFETY.
If it became unsafe for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
If it became unsafe for him for me to care for him I would have had to place him.
SAFETY is not just physical safety but mental, emotional safety.
Right now it is getting unsafe for you mentally, emotionally to care for your MIL.
it is not "giving up" or a "failure" it is the reality that she needs more care than you can give her.

"Dreading the conversation and backlash from his family....."

Right back at them. "How dare you feel i should compromise the health of my baby and myself over this. You are the ones being selfish" then let them F - off. Why should you worry about these inconsiderate bozos when they don't care for the stress you are under and the health impacts.

I'm very angry on your behalf because i had a friend have a massive stroke a few days before her 3rd child was born - he was delivered by C Section while she was on life support. Her MIL had moved in to "help with the children" but was so difficult to deal and fought with her about the kids, the house, the hubby and her idiot husband avoided everything. Stress can / does kill.

You matter. Your baby matters. Your husband needs to stand up with you and say "NO" and if no one takes her in - a nice assisted living. You'll still be her family and care for her but the caring is not in your house and you do not have to do it all.

F-em!!!!

Learn this phrase:

"No, I can't possibly do that".

Practice it in the mirror. Look yourself in the eye. Become the Tiger Mom protecting her kids and her marriage.

"Still dreading the conversation and the backlash from his family, who, i know, will blame me for her going to a nursing home."

So? So they get upset.

So what?

Do you actually like these people or want anything to do with them? I'd consider it a good thing to never have to be around them again.

What the actual F#$%?

At the least possible "emergency", call 911 and have MIL transported to the ER and make it clear to the social worker (via phone) that she may NOT come back to your home.

Give them the phone numbers and addresses of your worthless in-laws.

I would have a nice little show down with DH; "either she goes or I do".

Consider an appointment with a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor to assess your options.

Yorkie, your husband needs to make it clear to his family that it isn't your fault MIL needs more care then you can provide. It's Parkinson's fault, period!

Don't stress out about what his family will think, they have proven they aren't worth your head space.

You received some good answers so I won't comment concerning that.

I am finding that people are becoming self-centered. The caring for a parent and even a child seems to be going on a back burner especially if there is someone who is willing to do the caring. We are becoming a selfish society. We will only survive if we help each other.

My daughter would allow her friend's son to spend the weekend with her when his Mom went camping on weekends. He was 14 and felt he had outgrown it but not old enough to be on his own. She allowed him friends over and sometimes sleep over. Not once when the parents dropped these 14 yr olds off did they introduce themselves or find out who my daughter was. My daughter could have been a drug dealer!

No, I don't think a child who has been abused physically, mentally or verbally should care for their abuser. Those that had good parents don't need to physically care for them but I feel need to look out for them. They were our parents. We need to set boundries and when those boundries are continually crossed, we need to back off. We don't need to give them 24/7 of our lives, but we should be there for them in some capacity. They also have to be willing to compromise.

You wonder why this SIL felt the best place to dump her mother was on a woman with a toddler and one on the way? When I took Mom in, I was babysitting a toddler that my daughter had to put him in daycare. I could not handle him and her. What are you going to do if you have a screaming baby wanting to be fed and MIL has chosen to toilet herself and its all over her and the bathroom. You are literally going to be changing diapers for 2 people, which ur probably doing now, so 3? I am getting overwhemed just thing about it.

If your SIL is guardian appt by a Judge she took on the responsibility of her mother. As guardian SHE has the ability to place Mom. If Mom has money, it needs to be used for her care. With Parkinsons Mom is definitely passed what an AL can do. And MCs are not skilled nursing so probably LTC. If she has no money then Medicaid should be applied for. And as guardian its SILs job to set this all up.

Let's start here. A needy elder who must have assistance with even the most basic things like eating and also has dementia, does not get to refuse going to adult day care. You put her on the bus and walk away.
Secondly, just because you're a housewife (I detest the term "stay at home mom" and don't use it), doesn't mean that others get to decide what you do with your time. Working at a job doesn't excuse people from responsibility. Though often in families if there's a woman who doesn't work, she gets volunteered for anyone who needs child care or elder care. It happened to me. I didn't work for over a year following a car accident. I didn't need to hurry back to work. My then husband's cousin needed child care for her two kids because she was "in school" and since I was home anyway... Didn't do it. My husband's grandmother needed care too. She was stubborn and wanted to stay at home and since I was a professional caregiver anyway.... Nope. I flatly refused. Sure, the family wasn't happy, but they got over it.
Stop allowing yourself to be used like a slave or an indentured servant. Tell them no more. Believe me they'll get over it.
If you don't want to be a caregiver YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE!!!
You call a family meeting and speak plainly to them. Either one of them takes MIL to live with them or she goes into a home. If they try to talk in circles or avoid giving you an answer you tell them that one of them takes her that night, or she will be dropped off in a hospital and you will ask for a 'Social Admit' for her. You will get it. Make sure the SIL with guardianship knows this. Then let that be the end of the family discussion.
Third and final. The guilt that comes with being religious. I totally get that. I was raised in a Catholic home and had a lifetime of Catholic schooling. The guilt was beat into me every day. Then I turned Jewish to marry my second husband. We got divorced. I stayed Jewish. I'll get back together with my ex at some point. We always do but that's besides the point. I have been both a Catholic and a Jew. There are no religions with more guilt than these two and I have both. There comes a time though when a person must come to the realization that their life matters too. A good person is still a good person if they say 'no' sometimes. Especially in a case like yours because your health and your baby's could be at risk.
Do you think God from which all things come and in His infinite wisdom, would want you to risk the life of your unborn baby and maybe even your own to wipe your MIL's a$$??
I realize that you love your MIL and want to do right by her.
Your husband, your children, and yourself are more important than your MIL. They are the priority, Not MIL. Please for your sake and your family's make other arrangements for your MIL.

Isthisrealyreal wrote: "
I would contact the court that gave SIL guardianship and tell them that she has dropped her off, doesn't hire caregivers and MIL isn't getting the care she needs because you are not able to provide it and she won't listen to anything you or husband says and this is adversely effecting MILs well-being."

Dingdingding, yesyesYES! What happened that living with SIL was no longer possible?

"At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar ( 2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. Ive gone from an active healthy lifestyle to not being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldnt believe."

If this is happening after only a few weeks, then you must look out for your own health and that of your unborn baby and do anything/everything to get MIL out of your house. I am thinking of morning sickness because of incontinence smells alone, and I am angry for you.

Please tell us what happens after your talk with your H tonight. And remember, you don't need some help, you need her OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

Do you have relatives or even friends that you can stay with to force this issue, if it becomes necessary?

So husband promised mom she wouldn’t go to a nursing home. Did you make that promise, too?

If your SIL is mom's legal guardian POAs mean nothing, guardian trumps all of that.

I would contact the court that gave SIL guardianship and tell them that she has dropped her off, doesn't hire caregivers and MIL isn't getting the care she needs because you are not able to provide it and she won't listen to anything you or husband says and this is adversely effecting MILs well-being.

Your SIL is violating her legal duties by pulling this stunt.

Your wedding vows, being religious, should have said something like, forsaking all others...that means EVERYONE.

I have a question for dear hubs, would you rather put your wife and unborn baby in a grave? Because not putting mom in a facility could cause both of them to die. Look up the statistics and determine for yourself if you want to risk it for a promise extorted by someone that made it clear she matters more then anyone else. Sounds harsh but, that's what her making you promise was all about. She doesn't care what taking care of her costs anyone, including your own children. A loving parent doesn't do this.