How do I decide if I can really handle having in laws move into our home in our basement in-law-apartment?

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How do I decide if I can really handle having in laws move into our home in our basement in-law-apartment?

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I am sorry to hear about your son. My nephew is addicted to heroin and it takes a toll.
I read your post and it is so clear your gut is saying no don't do it.
I wish I had listened to my dad and my mom when they told us we would be making a mistake. We thought the decision we were making was for maybe a max of 2 years. We are just under 13 years later & it only gets worse with age regardless of how much love is in the family.
Please listen to yourself and make the right decision for you. It isn't selfish or wrong to do what's best for you & your husband.
And...I always wonder why people can't vent anymore without apologizing. I for one am hear to listen, learn and vent.
Bless you

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Do not, I repeat, do not have your in-laws or anyone else move in with you! Your home should be the place where you can come to and revive yourself and find refuge from the world. I know how difficult it is to have to find a place for your family members to live now that they are not capable of taking care of themselves, but I do not see how having them live in your basement. Not a good place for them. Having them live in an assisted living home or memory care facility is not cruel. Actually, it is the best possible place for them to be and shows how much you value their care. I recently placed my mother in a memory care facility. She told me for the last several years that she hoped she'd never have to go to a place like that. So it was heart wrenching for me at the beginning. However, I soon realized there was no way I could keep my sanity and be there for others or function at an adequate level if I moved her to my home. Please don't let your guilt feelings get in the way of doing the right thing for your loved ones. Just make sure you visit them regularly and check to make sure things are going well for them.

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Good for you! I would not want to burden my children either. I wouldn’t want to burden my husband.

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If you have a finished basement and you can treat it as a separate house, this could possibly work, assuming it is a walk-out basement. You have to establish firm boundaries up front and stick to them. There also needs to be a CLEAR understanding of what you will and will not do for them and when they will go from living in your basement to a SNF. For me, it would be any of these:
*the need for a 2 person assist in ambulating
*fecal incontinence with inability to clean up after themselves
*being totally bedridden
*dementia with sun downing, wandering off, or anger/violence

They need to be clear that you and your husband are NOT their social committee or entertainment. You should set up as much help as possible with their showering and dressing when/if assistance is needed. Make sure they do NOT have access to the basement stairs because elderly people, for some reason, love to try to climb onto things, just like babies!

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The care givers at assisted living found my mom up on a chair trying to fix the blinds in the main room of the facility. She had carried a chair from the kitchen all the way through 3 rooms to the window without anyone noticing. That really gave them a scare! Mom somehow did not fall and did fix the blinds.

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We took my parents, mother and stepdad, in a year and half ago thinking it’d be better quality of life for them. They were in an independent living apartment but did not utilize all the amenities available for socializing, meals, etc. we were going over there all the time for drs appts in the facility and grocery shopping trips even though they had access to two meals a day. They weren’t happy there at all. So we put a suite addition on and moved them in. Ugh. There is no getting better once dementia no matter how mild is the diagnosis. We are now stuck with dealing with all drs appts providing some socialization and caring for meds and the never ending battle to get mom to shower shampoo. It’s waaay more than we realized and now regret as we are both starting retirement and can’t make any plans without someone here to take care of them. Both are physically healthy. There is no end in sight. Be cautious in making that decision.

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Your past decision is not cast in concrete, they can be placed in AL or MC, this does not have to be a life sentence unless you want it to be.

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I am three years into it, having my mother come and live with me. I had no real idea of what it would entail. Original boundaries were a good idea, but physical decline and need have eroded those boundaries. Life as you once knew it is over. My retirement dreams vanished. Needs and responsibilities take over. I wish I had known what I know now. I would have made other arrangements. She does not want to leave my home now, but it will have to be. I cannot assist with showering and toileting. I told her that in the beginning. But the struggle begins.

Be honest with your loved ones and your selves. Good intentions are not enough. It really is a life of self sacrifice in every way. So count up the costs and decide whether you can make the daily payments as long as they live with you.

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It's hard but I know myself well enough to know I could not cope with having an elderly parent live with me.

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Even if the basement has a ground level door and they hire home care, as others have suggested, you will still be in charge of overseeing it all and it is exhausting. After 7 years of hardly ever finishing a thought or task of my own, without my mom needing something, I moved her to assisted living. I still see her every day and I'm now her company and her daughter again. I take her to appointments, for rides in the countryside, and bring her to my house for a visit with my cat. Otherwise I'm free to work and think. My husband and I have little desire to travel, but we do enjoy our peace and quiet in the evenings now. I had only one elderly person to look after. Three? Very difficult. I suggest that basement be for your son if he wishes. One of my sons, who has substance abuse issues too, was better off when he lived with family. It kept him under watch and he actually appreciated that. On his own he is too easily persuaded into wrong behavior. Luckily, now he has a partner who helps keep him in check. Whatever it takes. Otherwise he would probably die.

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We also finished our basement, thinking my mother would eventually come live with us. Then I took care of her for a few months over the summer when she was scheduled for surgery. It was overwhelming! She wouldn't let me out of her sight, needed something from me every moment, wouldn't let me leave the house or even work on my computer at home. While it was difficult at the time, I am grateful that I had the chance to try out being her full-time caregiver before she moved in with us. I know now that I can't do it going forward. We still have kids living with us, have two full-time jobs, etc... In short, we have too many other responsibilities to provide 24-hour a day care for anyone. Please think carefully about what you will be getting into before you invite your in-laws to move in. I told my mom that I couldn't do it; I told her she needs more help than I can give her, and that I'm not home enough to provide the care she needs. Good luck!

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Thank-you everyone for your response. After much angst, my husband told his parents that they could not live with us. At the same time he told his father he didn’t want him driving anymore but when his father pushed back they agreed to only to no night time driving. When my husband and I talked about daily in home care and AL. He said that he couldn’t push then on either but would get them to wear a fall necklace. My husband is really struggling with overriding any of their decisions. I am relieved that living with us is off the table, however I can see that my husband is going let things go until there is an event that forces him otherwise. As these are his parents, not mine, the ultimate decision is his. I have been clear that I’m very concerned about a car accident that could involve others however my husband is not willing to override his father. He is however going on an appointment with him today, as the passenger in the car, to experience first hand his driving

I am so relieved that we have agreed that they won’t be living here and will be proactive in my husband’s and my elder plans so that my children do not have to go through this. BTW, our son is doing great. Sober, stable, and back to school (3 years plus)!

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Often that is the only way to get your parents the help they need. You need to wait for an 'event' that gets them to an ER. At that point you let a social worker know that their current situation is UNSAFE and that NO you cannot take responsibility for them. Never bring them into your home even to just re-cooperate.

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People need to see that this is a job no one can do. Al and MC have teams of people to take care of them. There are also activities and other people for company if they want new friends. I find that old folks who do not want this, but want a person they know to take care of them, want someone they can control. Even getting them to do things they should not do. They get worse in time. Because you do care about them it is even harder on you. Also some care requires professional training.

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Wise answer. So many times we go into caregiving blindly. Thanks for sharing an honest real life view of a very difficult situation.

The decision isn’t carefully considered and is based on emotions rather than a practical approach.

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Just reading what you wrote makes me realize that you know deep in your heart, with all you have on your plate, YOU CANNOT ALLOW THEM TO COME INTO YOUR HOME. I assure you, with many years of experience behind me, if you allow them to come, YOU and your family will have a terrible impact. Do NOT do it. Your job is to take care of YOU and YOUR family. Do not feel guilty. This is the cycle of life. They lived their lives and now it is your turn. You must find a safe place and put them where they will be cared for and you can still be in their lives but at a safe distance where you won't be destroyed. There simply is NO question but that this is the only choice. I wish you peace. No one wants to be placed but it is a fact of life that sometimes it is a necessity - be strong and do NOT give in. You will regret giving up your lives and that is what will happen.

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How do I decide if I can really handle having in laws move into our home in our basement in-law-apartment?

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