How do I deal with the feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed?

No one can be a caregiver 24/7 long term without destroying their own health. You need to either hire outside help or put him in a facility.

Mountainbird - from your profile, you stated that you're 73. Taking care of a bedridden person is very difficult even for a person younger than you. You can't continue doing this. If you do, you will really do physical harm to your own body. How old is your husband? Are you financially able to pay for someone to come a few hours a day to help him so you can get a break?

I’m so sorry that you are struggling. It’s natural for you to be sad. It’s so hard watching people suffer with Parkinson’s disease. I cared for my mom for many years with Parkinson’s disease.

I hope you get some rest soon. It’s exhausting to be a caregiver, physically and emotionally.

Have you checked in Council on Aging in your area? I used them and was pleased. They will do and assessment and then come for four hour shifts to sit, bathe, prepare light meals. They also do light housekeeping in the patient’s room.

Wishing you all the best.

I can’t remember too much about the agencies that directly and specifically support Parkinson’s patients, but it might be worth your time, if you can take a moment, to google it. If you happen to have a local group you might pick up some useful information, and even more important, some personal support.

If you haven’t yet been able to research local residential sites or full day or part time respite sites, it can be reassuring to know what’s available.

Where is your husband in terms of disengaging from you; does he encourage you to leave him at times during your day, or his he attached to the degree that departures are difficult for you, or does he feel somewhere those two extremes?

You must be a loving, conscientious caregiver to yourself in order to offer your best to your husband, and approaching YOUR WELFARE as a personal responsibility may give you the push to figure out a new kind of balance for you both.

Your situation is understood only too well here. Welcome.

Sounds like it's time to bring in some more help, either in the home or a nice facility, so you can get back to having some "me" time. Why haven't you hired any outside help yet? You don't want to be in the statistic where the caregiver dies before the one being cared for, do you? If you keep on the path you're on, that's exactly what will happen.

It's so important that you take time for yourself, even if it's just to take a walk around the block while he is resting. My husband was bedridden for the last 2 years of his life with vascular dementia and many other issues, and I would just tell him where I was going, when I had to go out somewhere or just wanted to leave the house. I also had a security camera pointing right at his bed in the living room that I could access from my phone, so I could check on him anytime I needed to.

Please, please, please take care of yourself and look into hiring more help for you and your husband. Best wishes.

You may need to consider placing him. Before you do that, see a lawyer versed in Medicaid to have your assets divided up. Medicaid allows this. What happens is his portion gets "spent down". This can be done with placing him and when his half is almost gone you apply for Medicaid for him. You remain in the home and are allowed a car. You will be given enough money to live on. All his needs will be met and all u need to do is visit.

Depending on your income, you may be able to get "in home" Medicaid. This will get u an aide a few hours a day. As suggested, try your County Office of Aging.

Sweetie, firstly, don’t think that your feeling angry is wrong - you have every right to that anger. I don’t know a caregiving spouse that doesn’t want
to kick or break something. It’s knowing that you are not angry at your loved one but my revelation came out in the throes of an argument where I blurted out “I love you, I hate this disease”. Then quoted Mommy Dearest “I’m not mad at you Helga, I’m mad at the dirt!” Why gay men always turn to Joan Crawford for strength is truly a phenomenon 😀. We both burst out laughing.
And then came Covid so now nobody is socializing the part time caregiver I had decided to move , and I’m trying to work from home under constant interruptions. I’m regarded as the “go to guy” in my field and have to suppress the desire to tell some whining t*** to p*** off - sometimes I kind of do, but in a nice way.
well, now he’s exhibiting Sundowners and I’m lucky to get 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I have a therapist that I video chat with on an as needed basis, but it’s pretty clinical guidance. I’m not one for social media other than this site - which helps. I’ve done my share of sobbing in the Walgreens parking lot and found the car wash is great for letting out with a primal scream (cleanest car in town).

You need a sounding board love. Don’t be surprised if it is a total stranger - that’s what happened for me, a connection for no reason, just chatting in line, continued in the parking lot and bam, I broke like a dam. I’m not talking sniveling weak chin, it was full on water works - and it felt so good. First time in ages that I felt like someone was listening and that there was no judgment, just compassion. My new found friend had just lost her husband to a massive heart attack and her daughter was killed in
a motor crash while driving down to be with her. Kinda put things in perspective and that we’re no worse off or better off than the stranger in front of you. The pool at her condo is closed so I invited her over to swim, she brings lunch for us all, chats with Ken while I do whatever I have to do I have an escape for a bit.

You’re gonna go to those deep dark places occasionally but remember that you’re not alone - there’s someone that’s gonna show up with a flashlight and get you through it. Admire your strength and own your weaknesses.
now I’m crying I hope my babbling on helps you out
A big virtual hug!!!
D

I think it is important for each of us to understand our limitations. I personally could not do caregiving in my home. I just couldn't do this 24/7. I was a nurse. This is not at all like taking care of a family member, is well paid, and there are 16 hours and 2 days a week off.
Placement might be a necessity so that you each can have your own life, and so that you can actually be there and present for the person you love in so far as you are able.
Guilt doesn't figure into this. You aren't an evil felon who has done wrong. You are a human with limitations. This is about grief, for what can happen to any one of us, about the limitations we have.
I am so sorry, but you are going to have to look at this without guilt figuring into it. With what is realistic for your life going forward. The dementia won't get better. Learn to remind yourself every time you want to use a G-word, that the proper one is grief. Not guilt. Sometimes things cannot be fixed, cannot be made right. Sometimes we have to do the best we can.

You deal with the feelings of being overwhelmed, angry, and depressed by getting help to relieve you of the uninterupted care you're giving, and you deal with depression by seeing a psychologist and getting meds for it. To see a dr. you need to get out of the house. That means addressing your need for help and respite first so you can see a dr., go out to lunch, or just get away. I understand anger and frustration, but why the guilt? What have you done wrong that you now regret? (You said you've never had a good marriage relationship so that doesn't count!!) Caring for your husband is OJT, there is no manual for it. You take it day at a time and give it your best shot. You can call your Area Agency on Aging and/or your state Dept of Aging . They should be able to direct you to some home care agencies who you can hire to give you time off.

The real answer here is to look for a care facility. We, the "elderly", want to be able to enjoy our remaining years. That doesn't seem possible in your current situation. You've already exceeded your capacity to care for your husband if your experiencing the emotions you state. By the way, you forgot one feeling that you may also be experiencing... hopelessness. Hopelessness leads to despair. Despair is dangerous. You need immediate help and support and you need to make the decision to find a care facility for him. Call the above agencies.

I can relate to your feelings of despair and for a bit I felt guilty when needing to leave my husband in the care of someone else. Now that I have gained a live of my own he is very happy and comfortable that I have a newfound ability to enjoy some time with my friends on occasion and being able to go to the grocery store I feel much better. While we think that our husbands feel that we don't know what is going on they do and they don't want us to feel trapped. I don't say go out and abandon your husband, I do say start to live your life just a little at a time. Without respite we would be unable to take care of our spouses and they would end up alone, which 98% of our spouses would not want.

You deffiently need help. Ask for it.
Ask family and friends if they could donate a few hours once a month then svhedule yourself a break every week.

You could also have a Caregiver come for a few hours to give you a break. If you go online, you can negotiate a price for $10 an hr. You may even find someone for min wage or $8 an hr if you check with Sitters.
You need to do this for yourself.
His Insurance Co should provide a weekly Visits from a Nurse visit,Therapist and Aide for bathing him a couple times a week. Prayers.
Please check with your Church, Family and Friends. I'm sure you can find 4 people to commit to 4 hrs a month so you will have a 4 hr break at least once a week then hire someone once a week.

Prayers

You are human, fatigued and depressed. No one can keep up with the schedule you have managed. Be kind to yourself and get some caregiver help. Even part time would be a blessing. Remember your feelings are your own and you do not have to apologize for your emotions. There is some wonderful advice below. We all care about you and your health so please listen. Husband has health issues that will not improve.

* Keep writing here. Get it out.
* Start a journal / writing is very therapeutic
* All feelings are valid and okay. . . Its how one processes / works through them that is important. No feelings are 'wrong' or 'right' - they just are what we feel and validating / listening to them is listening to our 'self' and our needs.
* Get a therapist / counseling intern to save on costs.
* You are not alone.
* Buy yourself a flower a week as a reminder to 'breathe' and 'let go' every time you look at it.
* Reach out to friends, neighbors.
* Research hot lines to call. There are several nationwide.
* Know we all are giving you a gentle hug here. We know how it is.
* You don't want to go down with a sinking ship. You must learn how to keep afloat. ****** gg.

May I suggest you contact Focus on the Family. I do not know what country you are in but they have councilors available that will help you get in contact with someone to help you.

Mind you it will be difficult with this virus going around.

You are in my prayers every morning.

Imho, it is IMPERATIVE that you seek respite from a church group, Visiting Angels, et al, else you fall faint and ill and are good to no one. Prayers sent.

Why are you concerned and upset that you are having problems and difficulties carrying this burden. It means you are human and normal and what you are feeling is what I think most people would feel. You have done nothing wrong. This is to much for most people. If you can, get a caretaker so you have more time for yourself before something happens to YOU. And if it gets worse, try to have him placed. Never, ever let someone else's situation and behavior and problems destroy you. Take appropriate action BEFORE that happens. Now is the time to think of YOU first.

What BEAUTIFUL responses you received!
I feel so Bad for you. Im new to this role!
I will be taking my mother into my small home in a week. my husband and I will be caring for her... She is blind, 84, recovered from 2 broken shoulders/arms, and leg. Which happened at my brothers home because he left a dehumidifier in her walking path and she fell.
he’s done with her he has announced. Either he puts her in a nursing home (she has no money to support that choice)or I come get her. (She’s in Pa.)(I’m in NY)!
I love reading all the q and a’s!
I love the wonderful support you all offer up.
I am scared.
my thoughts are with you!

I am so sorry you are suffering so much! Have you contacted the Alzheimer’s association? They have many chapters that might be able to street you in a good direction. For example, in my area there is an organization with volunteers who will take a loved one for a walk or just sit and talk with him for a while to give you a break. I’m wondering what you have tried in terms of getting help. Any friends or family who would sit with him for a few hours to give you a break? Medicaid eligible to get an aide? Do you have a lawyer? There is a way that your husband’s assets could be transferred to you making him eligible For Medicaid via an irrevocable trust and that would make him Medicaid eligible. I don’t know what the rules are like in Arizona. In any case, please continue to ventilate here and on the forum of the Alzheimer’s society. Of course this makes you depressed and you need some way to get a life!