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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Stop interacting with him! Or at least limit contact. You don’t have to take bad treatment from him just because he isn’t well. Tell him how it upsets you, warn him that you won’t listen to any more of his blaming and shaming, and if he keeps it up, remove yourself from the scene.
He will probably keep it up. Be prepared to follow through when he does, and good luck.
You stop going to see him and calling him. Or limit your visits/calls to once a week and the minute he starts to get ugly you leave or hang up the phone and tell him you'll come back/call back when he's in a better mood. And you do this every time he gets ugly. Perhaps in time he will get the message loud and clear that you will not be tolerating his abuse.
You stay relentlessly positive and leave his presence each and every time the berating starts. No one deserves such treatment, no matter the circumstances.
I have an older sister that is in a rehab. I let her call me. We didn't have a good relationship after mom died, and she didn't want me residing in the home. She made up all sorts of lies on me and had the family believing it including making false reports to APS. I finished the process of having my younger sister placed in a group home, attended every medical appointment that everyone in the family refused to touch. It was hard on me emotionally and physically. I moved out of the family home two weeks before placement. Landlord was nice enough to hold the apartment for me. Dad had to come to the family home. We still had aides coming in the afternoon after sister got into a day program that I helped set up for her. Dad had the pleasure of dressing his daughter for school for those two weeks after I moved out. I'm quite sure he hated every moment of it.
Dad got his house back. Older sister still continued her nonsense after I left leading me to not speaking to her for months at a time.
Don't feel bad or guilty about not talking to abusive brother. Sometimes these relationships never repair themselves. It takes two to work on a relationship. After so much time has passed in between, we come to the realization that we don't owe anymore to them except for an obligatory greeting or maybe a short conversation every blue moon if we feel up to it.
What he is in for and your ages would help in answering your question.
I will assume you are of an age that you cannot physically care for him. I would tell him its not your fault he is where he is. You cannot care for him. He needs to except this is his life. If he continues to berate you, you will not be visiting. As soon as he starts, you will walk out that door. You don't need to put up with this. Don't answer his calls. Tell the Nurse you are going no contact and unless an emergency you want no calls from them. You need a break. People treat you the way you let them. He will continue this berating as long as you let him. Don't let him.
In addition to limiting contact etc as already advised below . You tell him “ I did not make you infirmed and in need of this level of care , therefore stop blaming me “. And leave.
If you feel guilty, stop! You did not cause his disease and needing 24/7 NH where care is provided by several well rested people working 8 hrs and coming back for another shift 16 hours later. And get two days off. Or however their schedule works. They get breaks and vacation time. What can you be blamed for? For not keeping him home and taking care of him 24/7.
Ignore him. That's how you deal with your brother in the nursing home who berates and blames you for everything. You didn't cause his health issues. In order for you to be berated and blamed by him, you have to put yourself in his presence and take his calls. He's not coming to you.
So tell him plainly, that if he can't behave respectfully to you, there will be no more phone calls or visits.
Thank you all for your advice. I know it is good advice and I will try to set limits. It is difficult because I understand his frustrations but I know I must make some changes for my own sanity. Thank you again for helping me understand that some boundaries must be set :)
You visit less often, and when the berating starts you say: "I love you bro; I can see today isn't going well. I will leave and come back when you are feeling better". You cannot change what he is doing out of anger or out of mental condition over which you've no control.
☆Easy! Diminish your time you spend with him. I don't know how often you go to see him but, I would lessen that.... maybe once a week or once every other week or once a month if it continues. I would let him know what's going on first,.. that you're not gonna' keep accepting that behavior from him and that for you to continue to come see him and help him he's gonna' have to calm down & relax all of that negativity that he's throwing on you. Because I don't care how sick someone is... you as a human being can only take so much and their behavior will stress you out so badly that YOU'LL need a nursing home! 'Hope it gets better for you!♡
Ok- so totally unbiased is he saying things that you haven’t addressed sometimes a person can go on n on because their concerns haven’t been answered or address Is an apology due anywhere that’s the first port if call why does he feel resentful to you — if no then move on to next stage Has he always been like this-spoilt child syndrome ? If yes hard conversations due I am visiting and trying to support you but you are making if difficult - if you don’t want my visits then I’ll stop them but I can’t go on with your attacks everytime I visit you sort of thing last call I think is to speak to medical Is he suffering from depression can anything be done to alleviate it Including medication
Stop dealing with your brother unless an emergency comes up. You did nothing wrong and your brother’s comments are unwarranted. Do you have POA for him?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
He will probably keep
it up. Be prepared to follow through when he does, and good luck.
Or limit your visits/calls to once a week and the minute he starts to get ugly you leave or hang up the phone and tell him you'll come back/call back when he's in a better mood. And you do this every time he gets ugly.
Perhaps in time he will get the message loud and clear that you will not be tolerating his abuse.
Dad got his house back. Older sister still continued her nonsense after I left leading me to not speaking to her for months at a time.
Don't feel bad or guilty about not talking to abusive brother. Sometimes these relationships never repair themselves. It takes two to work on a relationship. After so much time has passed in between, we come to the realization that we don't owe anymore to them except for an obligatory greeting or maybe a short conversation every blue moon if we feel up to it.
You are worth more than the abuse.
I will assume you are of an age that you cannot physically care for him. I would tell him its not your fault he is where he is. You cannot care for him. He needs to except this is his life. If he continues to berate you, you will not be visiting. As soon as he starts, you will walk out that door. You don't need to put up with this. Don't answer his calls. Tell the Nurse you are going no contact and unless an emergency you want no calls from them. You need a break. People treat you the way you let them. He will continue this berating as long as you let him. Don't let him.
“ I did not make you infirmed and in need of this level of care , therefore stop blaming me “. And leave.
So tell him plainly, that if he can't behave respectfully to you, there will be no more phone calls or visits.
You cannot change what he is doing out of anger or out of mental condition over which you've no control.
I would let him know what's going on first,.. that you're not gonna' keep accepting that behavior from him and that for you to continue to come see him and help him he's gonna' have to calm down & relax all of that negativity that he's throwing on you.
Because I don't care how sick someone is... you as a human being can only take so much and their behavior will stress you out so badly that YOU'LL need a nursing home!
'Hope it gets better for you!♡
is he saying things that you haven’t addressed
sometimes a person can go on n on because their concerns haven’t been answered or address
Is an apology due anywhere
that’s the first port if call
why does he feel resentful to you
—
if no
then move on to next stage
Has he always been like this-spoilt child syndrome ?
If yes hard conversations due
I am visiting and trying to support you but you are making if difficult - if you don’t want my visits then I’ll stop them but I can’t go on with your attacks everytime I visit you
sort of thing
last call I think is to speak to medical
Is he suffering from depression
can anything be done to alleviate it
Including medication
wishing you best
Why is your comment written in a poem format? I'm curious. Is there some specific reason?