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They live in MN; I in MO. I am 77, live alone (my choice), friends either died or moved; have no family except those mentioned above. Sis was hateful, liar, classic narcissist; I her victim for 77 years. They didn't know I could hear them but sis told mom she hated me since she was told I was expected--a statement one never forgets. Nephew's wife (J) called recently. Hateful, intimidating, yelling & threatening, humiliating, etc, worse than any man I ever heard, that I was to have NO contact with her children in any manner under ANY circumstances. J is also narcissistic picked up from sis who liked J because she did what sis wanted. J hates me, I think, because sis hated me and told lots of lies of things I did(n't) do to sis that J believes. For reason I haven't determined J thinks I am going to contaminate children (in their 20s). She is violating their legal rights to contact whomever they choose. And she is isolating me from family. I spent Christmases and other occasions with them until they were about preteen when they each got cell phones but I was never permitted to have phone #s or emails so I could contact them. Nephew says children don't know me. I wonder why? Sis, nephew and J isolated them from me. I saw them last about 6 years ago which was the last time I was able to drive the ten hours to visit them (only mode of transportation). I can't drive more than 20 miles one way anymore due to fibromyalgia. J doesn't believe me and says driving to MN is the only way I can contact children. I can't sleep for thinking of situation especially when in severe pain. I also have diabetes. I'm seeing therapist but not helping much. I am totally isolated from only family. Have no immediate friends and severe fibro does not allow me to go out to get-togethers, meetings, etc. Don't have the stamina. Should I seek counsel? If so, in MN, origination of call, or in MO my residence. Help. I need some ideas please.

Sorry, I am on the other side of this. I have had someone, I want nothing to do with try to force me to be involved and also pulled the isolation crap to force the issue. If the person does not want to be involved, leave them alone. It is harassment.
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Reply to tacy022
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I don't think they are abusing you by not calling you. They have busy lives and live in a different state.

To be quite frank, if you were saying these things to me, I wouldn't want my children to be subjected to this either. It is not loving or kind. Who wants a relationship that is forced by law.

You chose to move to a different state, you choose not to have group activities, preferring one on one, you get to make your own decisions about how and who you will interact with, why are you angry because they are doing the exact same thing?

Find something that will help you get rid of all the self serving negativity. It is only pushing people away. Life's a b!tch sometimes, but we find our own joy and pray that others do as well, we don't force ourselves on family and then blame their personalities for it not turning out well.

I didn't want anything to do with any family members that talked crap about my parents, I knew what they were, but they were my parents and I wasn't going to friend anyone that treated them shabbily.

Just saying.

To answer your question, how do I deal....leave them alone.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Have you tried cherry juice for the fibro? As a diabetic I cannot take much, but two ounces twice a day seems to be helping me as it is anti-inflammatory and has lots of antioxidants. This is the actual juice, not the concentrate.

Also, I am changing my diet to get lots of FIBER and that is helping too. So we all know what that means: WHOLE grains, not white flour or sugar. Lots of FRESH fruis and veggies, not canned. And some nuts and seeds every day (watch the salt!)

A good bowl of oats for breakfast with raisins, walnuts and banana. Or blueberries, raspberries and sliced almonds, yum! A big salad for lunch with garbazos, sunflower seeds, grapes, chopped apple, and dates. Beans and rice or the like for dinner. I have lost 6 lbs already and feel much better!

Fruits, grains, vegetables and nuts! The diet from the Garden of Eden!
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Reply to DesertGrl53
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I too had a sibling that isolated his family from us (my mother, other brother & I). This brother (like your “j”) turned evil and turned his wife & 5 girls against my mother (their grandmother)for reasons I still don’t understand.
For years my heart broke as I was aunt to those 5 girls and yes, godmother to one.

But it is what is is. My mother passed in 2013, evil brother himself in 2014 (from congenital heart disease, cardiomyopathy). Years ago my brother got angry with my mom & other brother for reasons unknown but also in line with evil brother’s history of alienating everyone in his life anyway. He never had any friends as eventually those friends weren’t willing to deal with his inherent meanness. As he grew older my oldest brother became sort of a tyrant and manipulated his immediate family (his long suppressed wife & 5 girls) just because he could...Again, IMO, he had a true evil and dark heart.

I let that go. Those “kids” are adults now & children no longer. They are parents themselves. I thought that *maybe* since evil brother died we could perhaps rekindle the past as I too spent many Christmases & every other major holiday with them from their births u til about age 18 for the oldest.

Nope...not to be. I hope you let go of re-creating what was once there because it’s not. Those kids won’t call you. Just let it go. I did years ago. They know where I am if they want to connect but I am *surely* not taking any initiative as I tried for years and quite frankly I am over trying to figure them out. And am fine with my decision (I am 61).

You do sound lonely. As others suggested, branch out a bit....volunteer at a animal shelter - they will work with your limitations. Fibromyalgia is chronic but exercise is good for all as tolerated. You can groom cats at the shelter or take calls there or something.

Respectfully, make a list of things you CAN do and focus on those. Church. Library. You love cats? Foster one or two. Join a local senior center and make a goal to go at least once a month. You never know! But leave all the family baggage at the door. Give your affection to that which will appreciate it.

Let the past stay there. Those “kids” aren’t “kids” anymore....they are gone. Their lives are probably so busy as these days no one has much time left to socialize.

Your happiness is up to you. Don’t choose to let this get you down anymore. Peace to you as you move forward...
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Reply to Shane1124
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Three, I knew you had cats from your name/handle! I have 6, 3 upstairs and 3 down, then change about. Also, you won't believe this, but my brother and his wife have done exactly the same thing as yours, to both my mom and myself. Years ago my brother did a lot of drugs, and when he met his wife to be, told her things about mom and I that were not true (drug memories). Several of his friends have told him they were not true, that the friends were there at the time and knew better, but he has never recanted, so his wife has always been bad to us, and kept the kids from us. As with you, the only child who tried to befriend me was my 12 yr old (at the time, 20 years ago) nephew. It was something to remember, since I/we never saw or heard from any of them again. Last year, on his birthday, I tried one last time to call and talk to my brother, and wonder of wonders (a God thing, I'm sure), he talked to me for 40 minutes! Civil and never bringing up the past, but what I got from that was closure. I realized that we really don't have anything in common now, and am content to leave it/them alone and not grieve anymore. Perhaps you could manage this also, as your family is not contacting you, either. It just is what it is....
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Reply to mally1
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If the children in question are over 21, there is not a single thing your nephew or his wife can do if you want to stay in touch with them. Unless the kids specifically tell you not to write or call, you can continue doing it. If both you and they want to continue your relationship, do it. You sound like you're lonely. I would do some volunteer work. Do you know there are some hospitals who need volunteers to read to people, sit with them, help feed those who can't manage it, and even to rock premature babies who need human contact? If you like animals, try the shelters - they always need volunteers. It doesn't have to involve heavy lifting or cleaning or even walking. You could do some office work. Nothing has to be 8 hours a day either, do it for however long you can. Staying active is the best thing you could do for your body and mind.
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Shell38314 Mar 25, 2019
Three3meow3,

I volunteer as a cat cuddler years ago when I wasn't able to do anything physical. It was only 4hrs a week because that was all I could do:)
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So sorry, but you really have to move on or your going to be miserable the rest of your life. Really, the age of 77 is a good reason for not driving long distances. Think about it, really what have your nephews done for you in the last years. Sounds like the one is selfcentered. I know it will be hard, but you have to do for yourself. Can you afford independent living? Its a little more than having an apartment but your meals are included. You would meet new friends. There are activities.

I understand about your health problems. My friend goes to therapy where there is a pool. She says it helps her fibro so much.
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three3meow3 Mar 25, 2019
You are so right. Thank you. They didn't even acknowledge the death of my sister. Some of the things willed to me by my parents were still at sis's house because there was no way to get them to MO. I sent letter of condolence to nephew on death of his mother and children's grandmother and told him to whom to give these items. Never got so much as a thank you. Only messages from children when they were still in school was for money. I felt like their personal ATM. Had I had some other news from time to time I might have donated.

I have thought about senior living but don't have stamina for social activities which is only difference from independent living. Also have dietary restrictions which many facilities do not accommodate I'm told. Also pets (cats). I'll think a while longer and maybe change my mind or health will change my mind for me. I love my great-nephew and great-nieces so much I hate to cut them off but their mother did that for them. I think both nephew and wife are narcissistic following sis's lifestyle. Too bad. They were nice when they were younger.

Thanks again for taking time to write. You don't know how much you have helped.
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What is that tee shirt. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your pets.

OP, sometimes your actual blood relation family leaves you wanting. So you put that in the trash bin. Memories. Whatever. Because as long as you continue to carry those feelings, you are a prisoner of them. Few people can live up to our expectations. Not saying anything extraordinary. Just 8n decent everyday behavior. I am constantly horrified. But that's society now.

Get involved with your church if so inclined,your library, which might tell you about other groups.

Sometimes, you have to let go, just to free yourself,because you are never going to change the others.but you can change your expectation. That, and that alone, is within your control. Stick around. You matter.
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three3meow3 Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for comments. They are all appreciated. Gave me something else to think about. Still want independent living as long as health permits--just am not much of a group social person. Prefer one on one. But will definitely think strongly about breaking with only relatives I have. They have done nothing for me in last decade except send Christmas presents and ask for money when they were in school as if I was personal ATM. Not returning same will save on my budget (although that is not why I sent gifts) since I never received thank you.
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If you are feeling isolated from human contact, please contact the Area Agency on Aging and find out what senior center programs are available in your area and if transportation to the senior center and other appointments is available. Forget about the abusive family members and make some new friends at the senior center or your local church.
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three3meow3 Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for reply and suggestions. Church recently closed so will have to find a new one, Will try Area Agency on Aging although often do not have stamina enough to be very active. Perhaps they will have suggestions. I must also get back to my genealogy. Have over 79,000 ancestors, kin, and kin of kin over 8 great-grandparents. It can really be fun.

It would really not hurt me to forget adults but children will be difficult especially great-nephew who is also godson. I did not grow up in the god-parent theory but I took a pledge and will honor that pledge. Besides he is the only one who seems to have the right personality and temperament to understand. His sisters are too much like their mother.

Thanks again for your input and taking the time to write.
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Counsel for what? As far as I can see, no crime has been committed here. Did any of them threaten you with bodily harm? You would need proof if so, and you cannot record a phone call without the other person’s permission.

You do not indicate what has happened in the past that has caused J to fly into such a rage regarding your contact with her children, but something has. The children are of legal age and if they truly wanted to contact you, they could defy their mother and do so. Perhaps you should accept that although you are related to these people, they are not the “family” you claim they are. You could not possibly expect that you could ever have anything close to a warm, familial relationship with them. Why is it so all-consumingly important to you to contact these young adults who obviously do not share your wish for this contact? All contact between you and them should cease. This is a toxic situation that should not be continued. Speak with your therapist about why you feel the need to maintain contact with them. I fear if you try to maintain contact with them, you will be the one who finds himself in court for harassment.

As for your fibromyalgia, I also suffer with it. There are medications to ease the symptoms. The pain is always there, but it is episodic and on the good days, I find it easier to enjoy life. If you find it so crippling, you may want to speak with your doctor.
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three3meow3 Mar 25, 2019
Thanks for reply. I don't know what I did(n't) do to mother for her to hate me but I think she has picked up narcissism from sis and she wants to hurt me through her children as did sis. I don't think children are aware of this and I don't think children know how to get in touch with me just as I don't know how to get in touch with them. Info is not on internet. They were family when parents were younger.

As far as crime is concerned psychological/emotional abuse of elder IS a federal/state crime. Check "elder abuse" on internet. Its criminality is all over internet sites. It includes isolation of elders, verbal abuse, withholding emotional support, harassment, humiliation, etc. There IS a crime here. I am being isolated from my only family. Proof is not necessary as long as victim is considered credible. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you appear to be the type of person the government is trying to educate about abuse other than physical and financial abuse. But your comment of being "done" with the family as a unit has validity. The children I'm not so sure about. I don't think they know about the narcissism in the family.

Re: fibro, I am one of the people who cannot tolerate medications. I also have diabetes (the two conditions are linked). Google fibromyalgia AND diabetes to go to scholar section. I can only take Tylenol and Tylenol with codeine for pain and insulin for diabetes. All other medications in all other categories (i.e., muscle relaxants, sleep aids including melatonin, etc.) I cannot take due to allergies/sensitivities. I see my doctor quarterly but there is not much he can do for me. I have other medical conditions also. It is not that simple. Oh, how I wish it were.

Thanks again for taking time to respond.
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