My 83 year old mother was evicted from her apartment in July. With no place to go, but the street, she is currently residing with me. From day one, I we discussed a financial plan/budget in order to get back on her feet and find subsidized housing. She currently receives $1250 in SS. She has a car payment, insurance, cell phone, storage unit (as far as I know). I asked that she provide 30% of her income to rent which I planned on saving for her to use when she found suitable/affordable housing. Back tracking to May, my mother was asking for money for rent. I refused to offer her any money until I was able to look over her bank statements to see where her money was going. I found out that she was using multiple "cash advance" apps and she was digging herself into a huge financial crisis. It wasn't until July that I finally convinced her to close her account and open a new one. She received a small pension in March ($6400) which was spent by May. When accompanying her to the bank in July, the bank discovered that she cashed a fraudulent check for over $2400. Mom continues to claim that all of this was fraud, but the bank found no indication of this. Mom struggles to give me the $375 per month and within one week she is asking for money telling me that I have no right keeping her money. Social services visited my house when I was on vacation and left a notice. I called them and explained the situation. Nothing ever came of it. She is not being abused, she is fed, a warm bed and is provided with all the comforts of a normal home. I cannot care for her. I do not want to. She was recently accepted by section 8 housing at a nearby apartment. I want to wash my hands and let her go on her way to manage things on her own. I've begged to assist her with her finances mentioning to be her FPOA but she refused. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I work full time and I am in no position to be a caregiver let alone providing a financial hand out.
Curious to has a car payment, at her age? And does drives alright?
Meaning where does the balance of $875 go? Afford groceries? Can mom care for herself; make her meals, personal care etc? Just not finances.
You need to be upright honest, the Reality of things with your mom. The directions they could take. Tell her the plain, outright options. Make her responsible, needs to understand her consequences. Being elderly, it is extremely HARD for them to let go or accept changes as is all that they have. Know this is extremely difficult but I hope you are talking with mom and not yelling at her, okay. (I have learned this myself w/ FT care of a Brain stroke person I care for).
A Social Worker from your County should be able to assist your mom and you.
I don't believe you don't want to help your mom because you do love her. Nor did you allow your mom to become homeless. You are just burned out which is very common. Please don't give up on mom. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. Her low income should qualify her for many assistants.
And please take this to her Doctor. Is he/she aware of these happenings?
Your mom has a very bad behavior and allow help. Amazing how much a doctor can assist you. (I was surprised).
I had to basically be right up front with the man I care for. What he had to agree to due to his brain trauma. Or I asked him point blank: Do you want to go to a Nursing Home? He immediately told me "No."
Caregiving is 'not' easy. I am pleased you reached out, you are caring for yourself. Just remember to Breathe, give yourself some time to think things over, into prospective. Answers will appear. I wish you the very best. As this is not the end. Tamie
When you change your behavior, she will change hers.
And, the bottom line is she needs to 'learn' that she is responsible for her own actions and that there are consequences to actions.
Once you realize she isn't your responsibility, you won't feel you are 'at a loss as to what to do' as you say. As you say "I cannot care for her. I do not want to." There is your answer, inside you. So, you aren't at a loss, are you?
Many of us want(ed) a mother who loved us and we still have this child inside us that needs and wants that love. She isn't able to give it to you and she never will. You have to find your own 'inner mother' - that voice inside that loves you. (I did this about 30-40 years ago when in my first major life-changing-healing process). I looked in the mirror and realized that I had to be - and was finding that mother (loving, supportive, accepting) inside me - that mothering that my own mother didn't have the skills to provide.
You let go and let her manage her own life. She is VERY VERY fortunate to have been accepted into a Sec 8 Housing unit.
Figure out why you feel such a responsibility to her - that you do not want - then you will find some peace inside yourself.
She may always find ways to blame you for her actions / behavior. That is what some people do - they never ever take responsibility for their actions ... it's always someone elses fault. Enough already.
You work full time.
Start enjoying your life.
Release her to get to know a new you.
Know there are triggers (guilt, anxiety) that are activated. Best to work with a therapist to get to the root of it all. Until we get deep into this inner work, we remain as we are. You seem to know you've had enough - you need to stay strong and 'allow' her to be as she wants and needs.
Gena / Touch Matters
Your mother has never managed her finances responsibly, she's not going to start now, and WHY(!?) would you even want the added burden of becoming her FPOA and managing her spending?
She is so fortunate that you have helped her out by providing a comfortable place for her to stay. That was probably a mistake. She now will expect you to jump in and rescue her every time she has a financial crisis - which will be monthly!
You should make it clear to her that the only way you will offer help again is if she gives you full control of her finances, that is, you pay all her bills, making sure she has a roof over her head and is safe and relatively comfortable.
I'm kind of surprised she's 83 and still living independently. When I think of people who have mis-managed their lives, I don't picture them as healthy and independent at 83. Are you sure she can manage in an independent section 8 apartment for long? The next step for her will be in a skilled nursing facility, or maybe a group home paid for by medicaid. They will take almost all of her income as a kind of monthly co-payment, and will pay the rest.
Stop bailing her out. It will not solve her problems, she will only continue to expect more.
if your parents cared for you, provided comfort, and prevented boredom for you, WHY is it so difficult to return the love.
Everyone just seems so selfish. You can love and care for a parent without completely losing your own identity, getting burnt out, or going into financial ruin.
It just makes sense to do your best.
Best of luck to you and YOUR mother.
Not every parent provided love, care and comfort for their children. Creating and giving birth to a child does not make someone a responsible parent.
It is not selfish to protect oneself first.
If you've never known someone who completely mis-manages their own life and money, they learn to take advantage of others and never learn to take care of themselves. Stepping in and providing kindness will not solve this. They will always live in a state of crisis day-to-day and will bring that daily crisis to you if you get involved.
Get her in to the senior housing asap.
Do NOT loan her any money
Do NOT pay any of her debts
Do NOT sign ANY documents for her.
You CAN research supportive programs in her area.
You CAN get her into the Food Bank locally so that she can have access to food
But you can not change her mindset.
As to FPOA you cannot act for her in a way she doesn't wish you to if she is incompetent, and if incompetent she would be in placement and her funds would go to that care, I am thinking, so problem solved. Her money would go to the nursing home rather than other entities.
You don't have the power to change things really. You didn't cause and can't fix this. For sure, avoid guardianship, as you cannot act as guardian for an uncooperative senior, and a judge will hold you responsible and prevent your resigning as you can resign a POA. Be very careful what you wish for if you are wishing for control here. It will be a misery as there's no way to control this.
You help her move into Section 8 housing, period. That's the last help you give her. You don't help her pay for anything no matter how dramatic she gets over it. You don't agree to sell anything in her storage locker, or her car. She doesn't want to relinquish control so you won't be able to get her to do what's in her actual long-term best interests.
If she calls you about needing food or paying bills, you report her to APS. Eventually she will most likely become the ward of a court-appointed 3rd party guardian who will take care of her needs. You will be off the hook. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms. She isn't cooperating and has no resources so this is a no-go no matter what.
I understand what it feels like to have a parent make one poor decision after another, seemingly unable to learn from prior mistakes yet expecting a different outcome. This was my very sweet, but naive and spineless MIL. My husband and I eventually just decided that she must have been borderline low IQ because she defied any other explanation. Nonetheless, we couldn't save her (and her jerk 2nd husband) from ruining themselves financially after receiving 2 inheritances. The day she went into AL then LTC was a relief. The jerk became a ward of a guardian so he got the essentials he needed.
It will feel really hard at first but the longer you insert yourself, the longer it takes for a permanent solution to be put into place. Even if she agreed to assign you as her DPoA, don't do it. She is a hot mess and has no money. There are other solutions for her (as I mentioned). Yes, it is a solution if you accept it as such, even if she doesn't.
May you receive peace in your heart as you move her out, and you move on with your life.
I completely understand your frustration and wanting to assist with her money budgeting issues but I really think you need to step back and remove yourself from this emotional turmoil. It is not your fault but it seems as if you are carrying all fallout of her actions both financially and emotionally. No parent should allow this for their child at any age.
Once your mother moves, have a discussion and make it clear that you will not provide any financial assistance. If you are willing and able you can provide knowledge support when she applies for social service support. Under no circumstance should you or her grandchildren provide money when she asks. That is a difficult stance but is must be done.
Best of luck with this difficult circumstance.
Your mother is not going to live anywhere for free. Surely she knows this. You asking $375 a month from her is next to nothing and she shouldn't complain. Move her into that available Section 8 apartment.
Here's your first post from July explaining things further.
If there is a place for Mom, let her move in. They will take 30% of her income as rent. Car pa
yment...she can't afford a car. I would sell it and pay it off. Your county office of Aging should have a senior bus to get her shopping and to appts. We also have a regular bus to get us from town to town.
I would have Mom evaluated. She needs a good physical and a test for Dementia. You really need to take over her finances. Get her to Social Services and see what resources are out there for her. Food stamps for one. Maybe she can qualify for SSI which is a supplimental income.
I have a disabled nephew who lives on about $1300 a month. His rent is subsidized by the State. His Social Security comes on a debit card. He gets his Moms pension. He pays for cable, electric, his cell phone and his food which is mostly take out. He just recently was able to get food stamps so add another $100 to that $ 1300. But he was living on that 1300 and less. He can't drive so no expenses there. I do supply him with paper products because I buy in bulk.
Yes, you have to watch for people who will prey on Mom. Your gut feeling is probably right. If you have Moms SS switched to a Debit card it maybe easier to control her money. Her problem maybe her rent. Will they except the card. May even be able to set up her rent as automatically paid using her Debit card. That way you know her rent will be paid.
There are no more food stamps. The OP said her mother has been approved for a Section 8 apartment and should be moved in. If she has dementia and needs placement that will happen a lot faster if she's not living in her daughter's house.
I sympathize with your frustration over this. It's hard to understand why some people are so self-destructive.