It’s just killing me to watch him give up. I mean I get it. He’s lonely, he misses my mom who died 5 years ago, all his friends are gone, no family living locally. He had to stop driving almost a year ago. His last vestige of independence for a man who drove since he was 15 and for his living. He has some cognitive decline, mostly short term memory loss. He is nearly deaf but won’t use his hearing aids. His body is betraying him but his doctors say he has a strong heart. He resents being old. He has lived a full and vibrant life even though he contracted polio at age five. He’s overcome the challenge of disability in his life. Most people wouldn’t even realize he has a disability. I don’t know who’s having a harder time with this transition, him or me. This is just overwhelming for me to go through. I’m an only child, I do have a support system for myself. My husband died 3-1/2 years ago. My daughter lives out of state and my son does help when I really need it. I do what I can for him that he will agree to or flat out asks me to do. I have help come in but his budget is strained. He has no long term care insurance. We live in a remote town with basically no activities for seniors. He won’t move in with me. He insists he’s staying in his home. I know he won’t live forever on this earth but I’m just having a hard time trying to figure out how to handle the situation. Has anyone dealt with this type of situation? Thank you in advance.
No point in trying to get him more involved or live with you. All you can do is love him, support him, and be there for him.
You yourself say that your father "has lived a full and vibrant life" so honor the fact that he is now tired and just wants to go be with your mother.
Like you said, I believe this is definitely harder on you than it is for your father, so just enjoy whatever time you may have left with him and don't make him feel bad because he just wants to go Home, because there will come a day when you too will want to do just that.
He is not willing to do anything, like even wearing his hearing aids. You cannot force an adult to do something against their will without a cost to yourself. You must now decide what you will and will not do for him (boundaries). You are not obligated to orbit around him to keep him in his home. This will be exhausting and unsustainable for you.
You can report him to social services (APS) to get him on their radar. He won't be happy even if you moved in with him (NO DO NOT). Stubborness is an early symptom of cognitive decline. Being irrational (like not wearing his hearing aids) is another. He is most likely depressed and would probably benefit from medication, as this is very common among the very elderly. My own Mom was crying "for no reason" and her primary prescribed Lexapro and she's been so much better.
Maybe consider convincing him to get his free annual Medicare wellness exam and discretely hand the staff or doc a note outlining your concerns for his mental and cognitive condition. That's probably the most you can do that will help him in an ongoing way. I wish you peace in your heart as you attempt to help him.
Take the proverbial bull by the horns and sit down and have a talk with him.
What does he want?
Does he have a POLST filled out (goes by other names in some States but it is basically a form that is completed to indicate what life saving measures you want taken. (CPR, Intubation, tube feeding, IV's)
Does he have a plan for his funeral?
These are tough questions but best to answer them now. It is a difficult discussion but an important one.
Had dad lost weight in the past few months? Does he show other declines? it is possible that he might qualify for Hospice. (failure to thrive is a diagnosis that would make him eligible for Hospice as are other medical conditions that he may have)
Hospice would provide a Nurse that would come 1 time a week.
A CNA that would come 2 times a week.
A Social Worker, Chaplain and other members of the Team.
Hospice does NOT mean he is dying now or even in the next 6 months. (although that is a general statement that is used) As long as he continues to decline and meet the Medicare guidelines for recertification he can remain on Hospice)
All his personal supplies and medications would be delivered to the house. All the equipment that he needs to remain at home safely would be delivered.
You would both get the support from the Hospice Team.
My own father, early 90s told me honestly (and felt he could because I was a nurse) that he was exhausted with life. He told me he had a wonderful life, and had done what he wanted, lived as he wanted, was happy and proud of family and his life, but that he longed only for "the last long nap" as he called it. He was well for his age, but it became increasingly exhausted and difficult to simply do daily tasks. And there was no upside coming. The trajectory, as that intelligent man KNEW was downward.
You are grownup. You have had your father for many years. It is time now to recognize that his life will soon be over. Listen to how he feels. If there is an underlying depression perhaps he would like to try a medication? If not, then perhaps he is simply ready. I am 83. I can tell you that I most CERTAINLY can understand on a personal level whereof my father spoke.
This is the circle. Your father is closing in on the end of his life. Reassure him you understand what he says, that you wish to do what you can to make him comfortable, that you will miss him and will never be ready for him to leave, but that you will carry him with you, see things for his eyes, and always love him. That you appreciate him more than he can ever know. But that you will be fine. And he made you that way.
The honest talks I had with my Dad at the end of his life are some of my very best memories of the many many years I was lucky enough to have him in my life.
Wishing you strength and peace as you do what's right for your beloved dad.
I had a patient once that said to me, "I had a good life. I had a great husband, great children, great grandchildren. It was fun. I enjoyed it. But all that is left now is the waiting." And that last line has stuck with me hard.
How do you handle it? "I know, Dad. In God's timing. In the meantime, let's enjoy each other's company for whatever time we have left."
At some point he may need to go to the hospital , at that point you could talk to a social worker about placing him in a nursing home . Tell the social worker he needs more care than you can provide .
Do not have him move in with you .
Best of luck to you. 🙏🍀❤️
Patathome01
🙏😍
Just respect your father's wishes.