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My mom and I have never had a close relationship; she's lived a highly structured, suburban, bourgeois lifestyle, while I've been a kind of artist and bohemian with many different life experiences and having to adapt to many changes throughout the years. Now that she's on her own, living in her condo but showing some signs of cognitive decline and struggling to manage our family's estate (she's the executor), I feel compelled to come to her aid, but at the same time am experiencing significant pushback because she insists on dealing with these issues via 'old school' tech (by phone, by writing), while I try to point out that society's moved on whether we like it or not. I understand that she's frightened and intimidated by the online world, and at this point have no expectations of her joining it, but am often called up to 'fix' issues because she's confused and/or won't accept the world's moved on. All this has resulted in a lot of grief, conflict, anger and, for me, utter burnout. I just want to walk away from all this nonsense.

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I have found out that "rescuing" people in these situations, makes them unwilling to change their ways. My mom & stepdad finally put me on their bank accounts so I could help them after they realized it was going to get too hard for them as time went on. Now that stepdad has passed away, I handle all of her finances. I keep every receipt & log the time, on a timesheet, I spend helping her.

It sounds like the executor is no longer capable of being the executor. She will eventually mess things up.
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I WAS taking my mom to Bingo on Tuesdays. Pick her up at 9:30, drive 3 blocks and drop her off. Return at 11 and take her home.

This went on for about 6-8 weeks (?) She was just so overly grateful and so phony with her gratitude I would be grinding my teeth. She'd find an excuse to call me every Monday night (whereas she literally NEVER called me, for any reason).

I had major foot surgery 13 weeks ago. I arranged for my brother (with whom she LIVES) to take her to Bingo. And stepped out.

The surgery was big time--repairing a grade 4 broken ankle/foot. Did she so much as call me once to see if I had LIVED? Nope. I was of no use to her, so I am not on her radar. I am healing, but it's very slow and I will be into December before I can walk w/o pain, I imagine.

It would hurt, I guess, but she has NEVER been the one to instigate any kind of communication. Ever.

And, yeah, she drives me round the bend, but since she can't remember my phone number, she has to get someone to call for her--I never hear from her.

No guilt. Guilt is for when you've done something bad. I haven't. You haven't. Replace guilt with acceptance--it is what it is.

Unless you are actively trying to make mom's life awful---there's no need for guilt.

My therapist asked me once if I thought my mom had ANY 'guilt' about how she neglects ME and my sibs and I was quick to state that no, she really only cares about my youngest sister and her one friend (who drives her around).
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We have to wear our oxygen mask first. If we are not able to think clearly, we cannot help others. Adding structure and boundaries around assistance will provide some sanity.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks for this, chiyochan. Pithy, to the point and wise.
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Polar154Sons: Imho, for all intents and purposes, perhaps there really is no harm in your mother being non tech savvy. And since she "drives you around the bend," limit your time spent with her. Wherein lies the problem?
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First of all, contact an eldercare attorney. She should NOT be the executor of an estate. And if your relationship has not been good during your life and she won't cooperate with doing things that should be done properly, then feel no guilt whatsoever. Why would you? She doesn't deserve it. You have done nothing wrong. If you can and want to help, fine but if she makes life hell for you, for god's sake - move on. Let her be. You don't owe her anything given your background with her. Think fo yourself first now.
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It sounds like you should have some in home help so you can get a break and you might want to put her into a good facility so you can get away from her. She sounds a bit narcissistic and stubborn and won't accept that the world has changed a lot since she was young. I think your mother doesn't want to be reminded of how invisible she feels inside with the world as it is today. Some counseling on how to deal with her stubbornness could help too.
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Polar154Sons,

When I read your question, my first thought was, "Did I write this question and have just forgotten???"

My 96 year old mom has lived with me for a little over a year. This is exactly what I deal with on a daily basis - I don't enjoy her company and often feel like a tightly wound spring ready to careen off the walls because of all the things I want to say to her but dare not. My fear is the guilt I will feel once she's gone. My driving force seems to be - don't do or say anything that I will feel guilty about later.

I have come to the conclusion that we have very different personalities. It can be the simplest thing that she says that sets me off. She definitly has narcissistic tendencies - she often says hurtful, mean things but won't acknowledge it. If I call her on it, she claims I'm just too sensitive. To be completely honest here...she is my mom and I will take care of her until I can't. However, I often don't like her.

I was in therapy for a few months to find a way to deal with her and not take everything so personally. If this is something you think could help, I would recommend it.
If it's just a personality clash, my only suggestion is to do what you can for your mom while still staying mentally healthy yourself without feeling guilty. It's not an easy journey, so find support for yourself.
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Kimko1 Oct 2021
Beatlefan, I’m in the same boat. Therapy sounds great. Did you go to a therapist that specializes in caregivers of parent. How did you find a good therapist. I am having problems finding one who understands this issue. What kind of support did you get for yourself? Thanks.
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Is there a second in line for the estate management who can take over, as she's starting to show mental decline? You may want to discuss this with your family attorney.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Hey NancyIS, thanks for your reply. As for estate management, I'm planning to look to the most recent POA for clarification on that matter. In the matter of the family attorney, that creates problems as I don't currently have to financial resources to hire her. But I'm looking into that as well.
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Find a therapist or social a worker to support you and hear you out . You can walk away but then your mothers estate would fall into shambles . I would love to get in my car and drive away and never come back but I can't . I live with a very unappreciative parent . Luckily he can't remember the password to his Labtop because all he did was watch porn. Limit your interactions , have her take you to dinner . You do get tired of everyday problem solving . I know I don't have much time for myself . It sounds like your polar opposites . I feel you .
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks KNance72 for your suggestions. I think our self-parental dynamic may share a lot of elements in common.

To address your points, first off, I've got a therapist (of many years) and we are actively exploring the issue. As for your dad, not remembering his laptop password may be a blessing to you. If he did recall it, imagine the awkwardness that would ensure. Not a pretty picture.

As for my mom, I see her once a week for a few hours on Sunday, and so far, this seems to have worked well, but with the cognitive issues surfacing, I'm planning for change.
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I would try to shield her from the internet, it could bring many problems. Scammers to name one.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks Isabelsdaugher. Just to clarify, she's living basically 'offline', so no worries here.
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I have a very similar relationship with my mother. We have lived very different lives. Hers was a narcissistic, controlling one. She was a stay at home mom. She never got involved or helped in her children's or grandchildren's lives.
My life is my choice and it is polar opposite.

Now @ 85 with dementia and poor health I am her primary caregiver. I have learned to accept her life was her own and maybe she did the best she knew how. However I am much calmer and happier setting boundaries. Caregivers were hired and I take 1/2 day each week to be with her.

Less anxiety and stress for me. My sister and I share responsibilities but do a lot online ( meds, groceries, etc).

Take care of yourself and find peace and serenity. Enjoy your life!
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Many thanks, InFamilyService. Your relationship with your mom sounds similar to mine. From my perspective, we have radically different outlooks on life (this predates her current aging issues) and has meant that in providing caregiving for her now has thrown those different philosophies into conflict.

Is her 'life her own'? Absolutely. Did she 'do her best' often difficult circumstances while my dad was still alive? I'm convinced of that. Are boundaries needed now that we're 'in close quarters' than having been so for many years? Again, no argument there.

Since I don't have any siblings who could, at least to some extent, pick up the slack in terms of caregiving, an outside caregiver sounds like a great idea - and could lower stress and anxiety levels.

Thanks for your support and suggestions!
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Your mother can continue to usr telephone and writing and paper checks as long as she wants to and is cognitively able to do so. If she is losing her ability to manage these details, she can hire an agency or an individual to help with office and estate affairs. She does not need to switch to all digital/computer technology. If you prefer digital management for your own affairs, have at it. If your mother wants to use the telephone and pen and paper, that is perfectly acceptable. If your concern is about her confusion and mistakes, hiring an office assistance can help.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks for your feedback, RedVanAnnie. You've brought up some of the key issues to be dealt with.

To be clear, I'm NOT insisting she makes any changes in the way she deals with the world. Phoning and writing are not the issue here; it's my concern over what seems declining cognitive ability and some already evident confusion and mistakes. Office assistance sounds like another great idea that I'll look into.
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I’m having trouble determining the problem, as your responses indicate you’re no longer bothered by your mom’s refusal to use the Internet, which seemed a significant issue of frustration.

It seems to me that you and your mom just have different ways of dealing with things. And now that you’re in a position to be responsible for her this is causing some friction. Which is totally understandable. But I think it has less to do with how your mom chooses to do things and more so related to your relationship with her.

Thats not a judgment. Your description of the significant differences between you and your mother seems to show a little contempt for her preferences. Highly-structured and bourgeois is a pretty vibrant depiction and I would argue not a sympathetic one. Which is also not a judgment, just an observation. Folks here have varied types of relationships with their families for varied reasons. So I’m not here to question the reason why. I mention it because I think the way you view your mother has a direct impact on your own stamina and well being.

so I feel compelled to recommend a therapist for you to discuss how to move past the issues with your mother to improve your experience in helping her. Because it’s only going to get more difficult.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks for this, bngbng. You said that my mom and I 'have different ways of dealing with things'. I think that scratches the surface but the conflict between us goes well beyond that, although I'm not going to get into a protracted discussion of that issue because it's not really relevant here.

And the 'contempt for her preferences' has more to do with her attitudes towards the world of the less fortunate and her lack of empathy for their struggles than anything else - including my own. To be fair, she mostly means well and is caring and generous on a number of other levels, so I'm talking about my ambivalence of feelings toward her.

As for your comment about a therapist, I already have had a good one for several years and am actively working through the issues pertaining to my caregiving for my mom. But in any case, you've touched on a number of important issues.
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Limit your visits to what is tolerable for you. My counselor fixed my guilt. She told me “you are not responsible for your moms happiness..you must be sure she is safe, has food and a roof over her head”. Live your own life. When she gets unsafe in the world..then it is time to find her a managed place to live. P.S. old school is what a lot of my friends do at 70 yrs old. Their choice.. maybe we should not insist others use all this technology…does it really make life better? …Good luck!
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks Sadinroanokeva. Your counselor's advice is one that I have now heard from a number of sources and makes good sense. I intend on following it. And, as I've already indicated, I've totally fine with my mom's 'old school' methods, have no intent on changing these (unless asked to do so). Does it make life better - huge, existential mixed bag response!
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I would recommend that you accept your mother's inability to use computers and the internet. As many people decline with dementia - most folks have Alzheimer's disease - they tend to lose their skills with technology. The technology loss starts with the most recent skills and will march back into earlier and earlier skills. So, she will probably not be able to hold onto contemporary technology skills, even when you patiently and thoroughly explain/demonstrate, Maybe you can make it a point of handling these technology issues for her at regular intervals - weekly should probably be enough. Otherwise, it might be wise to ask somebody trustworthy to step in and help her with this,
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks Taarna. Just to address your comment, I've already accepted my mom's tech challenges, so basically that's a non-issue for me. I'm already handling all the online stuff myself.
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"showing some signs of cognitive decline and struggling to manage our family's estate"

Seems to me, time for Mom to give up her Executorship. A lawyer could be put in charge? A bank? A CPA? And it should be done while Mom can sign the responsibility over.

Then you can continue the way you were. But if Mom is in early the early stage of Dememtia, she should not be alone. Its a desease that is very unpredictable, you never know what they are going to do. May want to consider an nice Assisted Living at this point. Most of her needs will be met. Your responsibility would be if she needed toiletries, clothes and Depends if she wears/needs them.
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Polar154Sons Oct 2021
Thanks for this JoAnn29. You may well be right about the executorship situation. In any case, I need to pursue all angles, get expert help and feedback, and find out the concrete steps to take going forward. I think some sort of psychogeriatric assessment would be extremely helpful in planning the next steps. Although my mom is living on her own, an occupational therapist is coming in once per week to bathe her as well as give her a number of strengthening exercises. If I could touch base with her that would be extremely helpful as well.
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Hey Beattie, you make many good suggestions. Some of which I've already considering. So here goes:
As far as the fixing issue pertaining to 'low-risk' issues, I've decided to 'take my foot off the gas' and let her continue to use her own skill set (as you put it 'low risk, consequences are hers) for these. That would involve the offering of choices, as you put it.

As for an intermediate, there's the rub. Not quite sure how to go about finding this person, but as you, put it, the benefits are myriad – including stress on both sides.

Getting a diagnosis would be very helpful, but I've broached the subject and she's not going down that road. So I'm not sure what to do next on this.
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Thanks for your feedback lealonnie1. Again, I want to stress that I'm fully aware of the generational divide regarding technology, and with her cognitive issues, I've scaled back my expectations to just helping her hold onto what she's already comfortable doing. That being said, she can deal with the world any way she chooses. That's her right – as is true for all of us.

Your own frustration with dealing with your mom's decline comes through loud and clear, so you obviously know what I dealing with. I'm not trying to paint my mom as the 'bad guy'; just expressing my frustration in dealing with the situation. And as you've also pointed out, given the complexities of the estate and my limited understanding, I'm concerned about the 'giant mess' that may well unfold. Since that responsibility will fall on me, I'm trying to understand and organize as much of this as possible before it falls entirely into my hands.

Your suggestion of consulting an elder care attorney and going over the POA in detail to clarify family estate matters is a good one. Thanks!
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Thanks for your response, countrymouse. Let me address some of the comments you have made regarding the situation with my mom:

What's wrong with her using the phone and writing letters? Nothing whatsoever

Take as your starting point that your mother is right. And so am I. There are two people here who have needs, and no one person is entitled to dominate that reality. I recognize my mom's right to deal with things in her own way, but also my right to protest when I'm called up to 'problem solve.'.

Meanwhile, I'd be surprised if none of her contemporaries are silver surfers - don't any of her friends have iPads or similar? Are there any courses for seniors locally? If you'd like her to start making use of technology, introduce her through the fun side first. A few do have devices, in fact. And she's taken computer classes in the past, but is definitely beyond that capability now, unfortunately. If only it were that easy.
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Sounds like Mom is holding onto her independence with a strong grip. Her way or no way!

It will be a process of 'letting go' for her. In her own time.
But here are some suggestions. Examine each type of thing that comes up that needs fixing by you.

What level of importance is it? What are the risks? The consequences?

Eg she calls a store to deliver new clothing items & they won't post until she posts them a cheque. Could be ordered online in 5 mins but she can't do tech - so let her wait a month for her items. (Low risk. Consequences are hers).

For high risk issues (family estate) I would get an intermediate. It's amazing how folk listen to a 'professional'... The benefits will be in triplicate: 1. Mom will be consulted, respected, still feel in charge. 2. The matter is worked out with a professional. 3. Your stress over the issue will reduce.

Plus the added bonus of improving your relationship with Mom - instead of butting heads.

(In my family we got an intermediate trustee which has done all this with great success).

Think of it as instead of telling her how to do things a new way - offer her choices. Then instead of you 'fixing' each of her problems - point out solutions & again options for her to choose from.

Many times, we all (whether children, elder or adult with disabilities) want someone to help US to do something - not just take it over/take it from us.

As Alzheimer's is progressive, & most Dementias (vascular can stay stable for a length of time) it may be useful to have a diagnoses, although sometimes not. Also some elders will never agree.

If Mom has a trusted Doctor, is it possible she would consent to a Neurologist & neuro exam? That would highlight if she should be still at the helm of the financial matters. But having that or not - the result is really the same. An intermediate will be useful & getting the legal papers in order for the future is needed.

Hope this gives you a few ideas.
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Thanks for your feedback cxmoody. Interestingly enough, I've been limiting my visits to Sunday afternoons, with the exception of recently as had thyroid surgery and she really wanted to take care of me while I recovered. But I only ended up staying for a couple of nights because it was really all I could take. I left the condo with a fair bit of tension between us; she's only called me once to ask if I'd taken her phone charger (I know, I know, come's with the aging territory and I'm not taking this personally), but still ticks me off as it seems small potatoes compared to recovery from surgery. But, yeah, gotta keep your expectations in line with reality.
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What's wrong with her using the phone and writing letters? Who's demanding she do stuff online?

Take as your starting point the position that your mother is right. Unless she's dealing in Bitcoin or something I can't offhand think of any admin task she can't continue as she always has. Sure, government departments and large business are all moving on line but the traditional channels are still functioning perfectly well. If you run into jobsworths and "computer says no" people wanting to contact your mother, back her up. They can write, or they can phone. They're the ones who are being set in their ways if they refuse.

Meanwhile, I'd be surprised if none of her contemporaries are silver surfers - don't any of her friends have iPads or similar? Are there any courses for seniors locally? If you'd like her to start making use of technology, introduce her through the fun side first.
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Your mother is from a different generation than you; one that writes letters and uses the telephone to communicate. She also has some cognitive impairment issues going on, so learning new things isn't really possible at this point in time. Expecting her to do so is unrealistic on your part, so it's a good idea to enter her world instead of thinking she's going to enter yours. That is, if you truly want to help her with the issues she has.

Any 'child' of a parent with dementia wants to walk away sometimes because the anger, frustration, grief and conflict we feel is very, very real. I feel it myself with my own mother who suffers from dementia. Just last night she called me asking for my son's phone number. We've gone over this topic 1000x. I've typed up the family phone numbers in huge font and taped them to her dry erase board in her suite at the Memory Care ALF. Many times. Last night she insisted one of the caregivers 'pulled the paper down and tore it up into tiny pieces and threw it in the garbage.' Which we all know didn't happen. So I told her to get a piece of paper and a pen, which she wasn't able to do (this exact thing has happened no less than 100x in the past). By the time I ended the conversation with her, I felt like I needed a bottle of wine and an edible. I know it's 'not her fault' and all the rest of the verbiage, but sometimes it's all too much. She really shouldn't have a phone in her suite at all, but it's her last line of communication to the family (when she's able to use it) so I can't and won't take it away from her.

So, like cxmoody wisely said, schedule a day a week (or whatever) that you will go over and help your mother with whatever she needs help with. On her terms, with paper and pen, the telephone, or on your computer without her help. When I took over paying my parents' bills and took over their checkbook back in 2013, I did things MY way and they weren't even aware of 'how'. Worked out just fine, too. Now I manage my mother's entire life and she's 100% clueless of the mechanisms behind it, which is fine by me. She could have a dollar or a million dollars, she has no idea. The entire burden of her finances is on me.

I feel compelled to say to you that your mother probably won't be able to live alone for much longer, once her cognitive impairment declines a bit more. This is just the beginning of the giant mess that unfolds when a parent develops dementia and is stubborn and lives alone. It may be a good idea for you to speak to an Elder Care attorney to get some advice about the future, about getting POA for her, and just getting family estate matters discussed. If mom is struggling with these matters as the executor (shudder), she can wind up fouling up the finances entirely!!! The EC attorney may be able to guide you accordingly.

Wishing you the best of luck with everything you have on your plate.
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For me, I limit my time in my mother’s presence.

She NEVER liked me, and let me know it. Still doesn’t, but I am the only one who visits.

Perhaps, scheduling a “technology/bill paying/doctor/yard work appt time” (different challenges for each of us, here) per week would limit the frequency of expectations put on you.

It would assure her that she will be getting help on Tuesday evenings, for example, and help you to know that you won’t be called you over and over through the week. 😎
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