How do I deal with anger towards my sister when I come to takeover Mom’s care and see that she has been neglected and the house is filthy?

In my opinion, katiekat2009 finally SAID it! "And sometimes people are just slobs." And lazy, too.

None of us here KNOW that the OP has been out of the picture 'doing nothing' all these years and is just now taking up her 'rightful place' as a caregiver. Maybe the sister WANTED to be the primary caregiver and get to live rent free, who knows, really?

Nor do we know that the sister is or is not lazy, but we DO know she's neglecting mom and is not doing any housekeeping by virtue of the fact that there are no housecleaning products in said house.

I clean my house. I can't do so without cleaning products, rags, bleach, paper towels, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, Windex.............or even just a gallon of bleach. Which wouldn't clean the windows or the mirrors, but at least the toilets, tubs, sinks and showers would be clean.

Cookie, if you and your sister are going to share the duties of caring for mom and mom's house, it looks like you will be doing it virtually by yourself. For whatever reason, your sister is 'there' but not engaged in care giving, cleaning or cooking. This is the arrangement your mother has agreed to, for some reason. She doesn't want to talk to your sister about changing things, and who knows why, but maybe your sister isn't so nice to her if she complains. Ask mom what she would like YOU to do while you are there for your portion of the time. Would she like you to clean? Cook meals and freeze them? Help her with showers? Etc. Then go about doing whatever she would like you to do. Keep in mind that you can't scrub the house from top to bottom and expect it to STAY that way when you're gone, so don't have that be your goal. Just tidy it up to the point where it's livable for the extent of time YOU are there.

You can't change your sister. But you can change how you react to her and what she chooses to do or not do. Is it fair that you will be given the lion's share of cooking/cleaning & caregiving during your stint? Nope, it's not. But the main thing is that you KNOW your mom and her home will be properly cared for while YOU are in charge. While your sister is in charge, all bets are off.

It's really all you can do here. If you have a decent enough rapport with your sister, maybe you two can chat to see if you think she's depressed or burned out or why she seems to have no interest in anything these days. Best case scenario, the two of you forge a better relationship coming out of this than when you went into it.

Worst case scenario, nothing changes but you decide not to let your sister get under your skin, and to just do the best job YOU can do for MOM.

Wishing you the best of luck in a tough situation.

I think you should take a step back and reconsider the situation.

From the details given we don't know what happens in between that time. Two to three weeks is a long time to be alone with someone disabled.

Does she have support systems? Can she get help with the cooking? Can she get help with the cleaning? Does she have someone to speak with about t his job? Does she want the job? It;s possible to regret/realize you're not capable of caregiving.

The person I take care of makes a mess everyDAY. This is CONSTANT. Constant worrying, constantly seeing the messes, constantly breathing for this person, constantly trying to figure out food. You get to walk away, but your sister has to stay and endure. It's not an easy job. You trade your life for someone else's.

She's a slob? She's lazy? She lacks empathy? Have you considered she's burnt out? Have you considered that the job is so taxing that it won't work long term? Your frustration are all valid, but resenting your sister will only give you another burden to carry.

Cut your losses early before it spirals. Take it from someone who has to take care of a person and has ZERO support systems in place. I wish someone would come even if it was once in a blue moon to help me. Support your sister, if you can't, then find a facility or person who can.

You'll destroy yourself first before the situation is ever improved.

Imho, there are typically two sides to every story. Prayers sent.

You only have three choices here. 1) Live with it 2) Lobby to create change 3)leave it IE walk away.

Your Mother cannot live in an unsafe envirnment. If you choose to attempt to change your sisters conduct you have to be prepared she will say she wont change and you will have to be prepared for the consquense of that. Me personally if she is not willing to take reasonable care and do what she knows she is supposed to be doing, I will open the door and help her leave. I will figure out how to make this work with out her.

If you want to try to get her to what she should do, it will take sitting down having a truthful conversation. the two of you should have some house rules established and both agree to whatever those are. Put them in writing post them some where so you both can see them. If in this discussion she disagrees about the hygene, cleanliness than you will either have to accept this, do double duty when you arrive, or push her out or you step away. Letting her stay there and you do all the work.. that is just a simmering stick pot of hot oil waiting to boil, it will cause huge long term resentment on your part. THE last choice is to leave. Tell her if she is not willing to do what she knows she is supposed to do you are out and she can handle it herself. If you make this threat be 100% prepared to follow thru on it. Good luck

Why are you angry at your sister and not your mom? Your sister didn't create this situation, your mom did. This story is another lesson for everyone who needs to plan this part of life with intention.
With substandard care your sister is clearly saying that it's not something she wants to do and you're not listening. She has every right to not want to do that job. Taking care of an aging parent is purely a gift not an obligation. Additionally folks who are successful for a long period of time in this field are usually credentialed and paid. If you are neither you should start with professional guidance.
This isn't a reflection on how your sister feels about her family.
This is a reflection on how your mom feels about her family.

how old is your sister?  does she live with your mom due to the virus situation or has she always been there?  It sounds like IF you don't want to have to pull double duty, then get with an elder attorney and find out (or even a type of office of aging) what can be done with what finances your mothers has (she may qualify for Medicaid) to pay for someone to come in 1 time a week to clean the house....and maybe someone to come in every day (meals on wheels) to have at least 1 meal for YOUR MOTHER......NOT the sister.  Also, does sister drive, does she have a job?  not a whole lot to go on, but IF you feel she is not being taken care of.........find someone who will while you are not there, or move the mother in with you (which is not a good suggestion unless you are willing to give up a lot in the future as her needs require more attention).  Maybe with Medicaid she can get into an assisted living place or NH.  wishing you luck.

Consider that your sister is depressed, overwhelmed, unable to meet with friends, possibly short on sleep from meeting mom's overnight needs, broke from extra expenses???

If you can move your mother to a facility near you, do so. Your sister is burned out.

Dont be judgemental, your sister deserves better. She's tried her best for a long time. Time for you to step in with a full time solution.

Your sister isn’t caring for Mom; she’s basically the babysitter who watches TV instead of Mom. She’s not interested. Really it’s you who is doing it all!

How does a house get filthy in two weeks? I ask this question, because people just have differences in what they consider 'clean and tidy'. (My DH and I certainly disagree, LOL). And just because there are no meals cooked, is anyone (mother, sister) in danger of starving to death? Probably not. My sister, who does a lot of caretaking for our mother, frets constantly about what mother eats. She now wants to get housekeeping services for mother. I have no real objections to sister's opinions, but I also know our mother gets tired of sister's obsession with mother's nutrition (mother is actively dying from cancer; she can eat whatever [or not] she pleases, as far as I'm concerned), and I also know my mother has resisted hired housecleaning services (which she can well afford) because she wants 'her kids' to do it. (We are all in our 60's, 70's). My point here is that, in the best of circumstances, people disagree about housecleaning essentials and food preparation. If it were me, I'd be grateful that my sister is there to 'babysit' and I wouldn't obsess about the housekeeping (most people don't die from dirty houses) and I wouldn't worry about cooked meals. Plenty of microwave options out there... Be grateful for whatever support you get from sister.