How do I deal with anger towards my sister when I come to takeover Mom’s care and see that she has been neglected and the house is filthy?

My honest opinion is that a new arrangement may be needed, sooner rather than later.

Turn up to help & have all that too?...

Resentment?
Is that what you feel?(understandable imo)
Dictionary says resentment: bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.

But you're right - you can't change your sister.

So what to do? Keep doing your care your way & letting her care her way?

Or get a whole new plan.

Some people are just a lot more comfortable living in disarray than others, I've got one of those in my family too. It's only natural to feel resentful when you have to spend your time cleaning up after her but that's not solving anything. If you need this arrangement to continue and your sister's contribution ends at being physically present then one solution is to hire a cleaner (mom pays for this, not you) and to look for alternatives for meals for your mother if she needs that, perhaps meals on wheels? What kind of personal needs are being neglected?

Why does your mom get angry when you ask her to ask your sister to help with all the chores you are doing?

My gosh, if my sister came here every 2-3 weeks to give me a break, I would be so damn thankful. Kuddos to you for stepping up to help!

Still, I understand about your frustration with the cleaning. How about you stop doing it too and hire a cleaning person on mom's dime? Take mom out to lunch while the cleaners are doing their thing, maybe she will like that idea? Maybe sister will too?

Is this new behavior for your sister? Do you think your sister is ill? On drugs? Drinking? If this is new behavior it sounds like something has happened to her. Does sister bathe, wear fresh clothing?Gaining or losing weight? Does she live with mom?Has she been to the doctor herself?

Call your area agency on aging. Ask for a needs assessment for your mom. Find out what services are available. Is it your mom that gets angry or sister that gets angry? I would get some scales in the house and weigh your mom each time you come in and when you leave. what are your moms health issues that she needs care? Is she taking her meds?
I know it’s discouraging but something must be going on with your sister to be so passive aggressive. Does she speak to you, is she animated? Does she leave the home when you come in?
I’m missing something. Your mom must have eaten in three weeks. Who manages moms finances? There must be more to this story.
Regardless of the reason, you are understandably upset and I’m sorry. If this isn’t what you agreed to, you need to ask sister what her intentions are. If she lives with your mom and mom wants her there then that’s harder as your mom may be afraid to be alone. Your sister may be burned out if she has been there a long time and your coming in is recent.
I would try to have a talk with your sister and find out what is wrong. If this is normal for her, then you may have to renegotiate what you are willing to do.

Don't ask your mom to ask your sister to help. You talk to your sister directly. You don't have to come to terms with her laziness and lack of empathy for your mom. If your mother gets angry when you even mention the conditions of the home and of herself, then don't press the matter with her. Clearly it doesn't bother your mother if she lives in filth and squalor or if she's dirty and unhygienic herself. Don't let it bother you either. It seems to me that in your situation, your mother and sister both expect the chores and work to be done by you when it's your turn to be there, and that they don't mind waiting until you get there. Clearly neither of them has the slightest respect for you. Have a talk with both mom and your sister and let them know that you're not going to come for your caregiving time every two weeks and spend it cleaning and doing everything your sister refuses to. Let them both know that you will bring in outside help to do your time at mom's house because you will not stay at her place if it's going to be a disgusting mess. They'll come around.

There's always going to be the one who will get away with what they can. Takes me back to the days of my sister and I sharing a bathroom. Her half of the counter a pig sty of cosmetics, samples, powder dust; she'd take a shower and go to bed, not washing the tub; I preferred a bath and would have to clean it if I didn't drag her sorry ass out of bed to get back in there and clean it. Simple consideration. There seems to be some important facts neglected to be mentioned here...
Is your sister dealing with any healthy or physical limitations? Can outside help come in to help with your mother's physical care? How are meals being provided to your mother and by whom? What does your sister do all day besides watch TV and your mother?
I would not put your mother into the middle of it. However I also sadly have no answer for how to come to terms with it, unless you kick your sister out of the picture and document your time and efforts and /or hire someone so you get a reprieve/respite. If you are doing more than your fair share, maybe you might want to invest in a consult with a certified elder law attorney and see about creating a caregiver agreement so that somehow you are compensated for your efforts, and your sister, significantly less considering her lack of efforts.

How about having someone come in to clean? Is it normal cleaning or too much stuff, or a hoarder situation? Strip the place down to bare bones. No worries that workers coming will take anything, and the house is still comfortable.
I worked for a man whose family stripped his house down. He still had couches, chairs, dining table, but nothing there to take. Even his cooking utensils and things, were nothing anyone would want. He was still very comfortable, had an old TV, and could watch his videos, and they didn't have to worry. He still had everything he needed.
Not a lot of things to get dirty other than dishes or maybe crumbs. Easier to clean.
You could try that.
Or get some help with a carer. Maybe they can be buffer between you and sis and do some light cleaning. Keep it up, do a load of wash.
Or move her to a small apartment. Everything on 1 floor. Less to keep up. I know when my parents health went, the house seemed to need new everything. Even a roof!
That way you can help with mom but not be overwhelmed with care of a house if she is in one. And you can stop fighting with sis. If you cont to fight it will probably get worse. Eliminate the problem. It does you know good to get upset. She proved she will do bare minimum. Get it done now. You dont want situation to get worse.

In regard to the housework, I could not tell from your post whether we are talking about a genuinely dangerous/unhealthy state of affairs, or simply about messy disarray. If the first, then obviously something needs to be done, but if the second, please keep in mind that, as another poster has put it, tolerance to mess varies a great deal among people. I would suggest not cleaning to your preferences, but to your mother's. Which might well reduce a lot of work and resentment and believe it or not, your mom might be happier too. I'm one of those people who find some degree of mess stimulating, but neat and tidy? Well so are graveyards. Like everyone is in their place... I try to be compassionate toward neat freaks, but sometimes I wonder if they really believe keeping this tight control will save them from illness, death, taxes, etc. If it is not actually a matter of safety, then why waste energy trying to control inanimate stuff?

Everyone has different ideas of clean and tidy. My mom's place, to me, is a hot mess, and realistically? It's really grubby and could use a good airing and scrub down, but it's not going to kill her to sit in a dusty, unorganized apartment.

I gave up some time ago trying to help her. Then she actually TOLD me to not touch or move her 'things'. I knew it bothered her when I took out the newspapers and tried to organize a little, but I didn't know it really was the problem to her that it was.

Now when I visit, I visit her in the common living room and don't even go into her apartment at all.

It is such a BLESSING for you and your sister to both be able to care for your mom "at home."

With this being said, I would try to keep peace with my sister. I know it may be hard but some things are best to work through.

I would handle this situation by getting the home cleaned spotless. From one end to the other. Then, I would tell sis, "I got the home clean and let's keep it this way."

Help her to understand, it takes "little effort" to keep things picked up after her and mom. I n doing so, there should not be too much out of place between 2 to 3 weeks.

As far as her meals, the weeks you are not there, I would arrange for Meals on Wheels to bring her out nutritious meals.

Also, make it known to your sister you would appreciate her helping you to keep mom home.

Try not to get angry because it could make matters worse.

Hailey is right that this is just the best thing, that you are BOTH involved.
I think there are seldom two people with the same standards of cleanliness. My Mom always felt to keep things looking neat was the key to their not noticing the dust-bunnies under the bed.
For me I kind of like it both neat and clean to the extent that my daughter always worries when I visit, which is SAD. Because honestly I couldn't care less. One day during a visit I observed to her "You know there's the greatest product for getting mold out of the grout" and she looked SO SAD when she replied to me "Mom, do you have any idea how hard I tried to get this house perfect for your visit". (Turned out the stuff had embedded itself in the latex caulk someone used for repair and even I couldn't get it out!!). I felt so bad, and we talked. I hated that she felt she had to live up to some standard. She has such a wonderful home. Full of beautiful things. And here my control issues made her feel bad about it.
I think try to understand your standards are maybe a bit high. And offer, if you like, a housekeeper once a week? Once a month? Clearly your Mom is HAPPY, and isn't that what it is all about?
I think Hailey's idea of meals on wheels is also good, and if cooking is what you do, put in a few casseroles. You can feel proud of yourself you are doing so well, happy you have a sister to help so you aren't on for 24/7, and look on the bright side of this much as you are able for what you BOTH are doing for your Mom.

Before you and your sister came up with the (normally!) very constructive approach of alternating care, was your sister already involved, living with your mother or nearby? I'm just wondering if she may perhaps have been struggling with it for some time, and embarked on the new arrangement already ready to give up.

I agree with Alva's observation (taken on a bit of a tangent) that when you have two siblings you will very often find one that is organised and disciplined, and one (me, e.g.) who is more of a hopeless piglet. Has something like that ever been the case with the two of you?

Oh yes, too clean or not too clean, that is the question.

Our dear mother’s concept of “filthy” and “lazy” are so different from all the kids and grandkids that we all would experience HIGH stress if she planned to visit. It was not a happy occasion, which is unfortunate but true. My sister and I both moved out within days of turning 18.
Can you be a little more descriptive of the situation? Your comments make it almost seem like it needs to be reported to the authorities. If not that serious, several people have offered great suggestions here.

I am sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Caregiving is never a pleasant task. It is a sacrifice.

Some people are able to manage fairly well and some through no fault of their own are cut out for it.

Please do not expect perfection from yourself or others. No one is perfect!

Sometimes caregiving is frustrating because it simply isn’t practical at that time in their life.

I am glad that you reached out to this forum.

Speak to a therapist if you want to go one step further. It helps to have an objective perspective on a situation. Have an open mind.

My therapist shared his view of caregiving which was, “Caregiving is a responsibility that can grow into a burden that we have willingly or unwillingly accepted in our lives.

If we become miserable and it’s no longer feasible, we must make arrangements for others to do the ‘hands on’ care.”

My therapist went on to say that we benefit most from making decisions based on reality.

It isn’t healthy to make decisions based on our siblings or parents views.

Life is about compromise. No parent or sibling should expect continual care from a family member, especially without pay.

Wise assessment and advice!

It helps to hear the truth because acceptance of truth is great motivation for positive change.

Suppression of truth, denial of truth, never works for anyone.

It isn’t fair to you, your mom or your sister if there is resentment or a lack of harmony in the house.

Caregiving requires team work to be successful.

People don’t accept accountability or responsibility unless they choose to. Ideally all persons involved should speak to a mediator to work towards resolving issues.

This situation is impossible to assess without knowing all details.

Maybe you’re a fanatic about cleaning and organization.

Maybe you are reasonable and stressed out from your sister’s messy habits.

My advice is if the budget allows, please hire a housekeeper.

Do you feel this is a personality clash?

See if mom will pay for a housekeeper. If not, politely ask your sister to share the cost if each of you can afford it.

Forget this, “keep the peace” philosophy. I grew up in a household like that. No one wins except the person that gets their way.

If you or your sister are tiring of caregiving, it happens, ask mom to hire help. Then your visits with mom are on your terms.

Figure this out, for all of your sakes, even if it means going to therapy to have an outside, objective professional assessment.

Wishing you and your family all the best during these difficult times.

I wouldn't try asking your mother to put pressure on your sister. If you can't persuade her and this has been going on for some time, then no amount of asking will change anything.
External help may be needed! Otherwise you will end up cleaning up after both of them.

Editing my post, time ran out. Should read, some people through no fault of their own are NOT cut out for it.

You’ve gotten some great advice here, however if the neglect to your mother is a health or safety risk, then you really need to address the situation. If it’s just a matter of being messy and not living up to your idea of neatness, that’s another thing altogether. I don’t know if your sister has been doing the caregiving for a longer period of time than you have, but I know myself, that when my daughter made a surprise visit to our home, I was so embarrassed for her to see how disorganized our home was. Especially since I had always been an impeccable housekeeper to the point of being obsessed. But after so many years (13) of working full time and then caregiving whenever I wasn’t working I let the house go. Now I don’t mean unhealthily dirty, just messy, and he was always clean and taken well care of. But I was seriously burnt out, to the point that I basically started having panic and anxiety attacks. So that could be part of her issue or perhaps she is just a slob. How does she keep her own house? Is it the same mess or clean and neat? The fact that you are sharing the caregiving is a huge plus for your mother and the both of you. There’s always a solution to every problem, even though it may not be your ultimate preference. Sometimes you just have to let things go or you will drive yourself to insanity.

Come to terms by stop labelling her. You look at everything she does through the lens of laziness and lack of empathy. You put "too much trouble" in quotes and I am not sure that is her response or yours,

I can think of a number of reasons besides laziness. For instance, are you sure your sister is physical and mentally healthy. I have seen a lot of people who are really sick, won't admit their illness because they have been like that so long. Be empathetic to your sister. In her mind she is probably doing the best she can.

Whatever, the reason your sister is not performing up to your standards, seems to me a focus on whether your sister is putting your mother in an unsafe environment. If so, you could enlist help from senior protective services.

On a more practical note, get an IQ Robot vacuum! Your sister may have fun with it, and it will make your life easier (picking up crumbs, dust, hair; it mops, empties itself, low-maintenance).

Identify problem (to you) areas, such as dishes piled in the sink, dirty oven/kitchen, and seek solutions (paper plates instead, e.g.).

So sorry that that your sister does not take care of your mom and the home to your satisfaction. Maybe you should have a couple of days of overlap to see how your sister handles mom and the home. I have a suspicion that "caring for mom" is all that she does or can handle, I don't have any good ideas to motivate your sister. However, you can discuss this with her and brainstorm ideas to deal with it. Here are a few of my ideas:

Have housecleaners come in a couple times each week when sister is on duty. Of course, sister's or your mom's finances should pay for this.

Move mom. It might be difficult in the beginning, but having mom nearer to you would ensure that her needs are met and her home stays nicer. Seems your mom would need only a small place that would be easier to keep clean. Then, your sister could be the one to travel and you could make sure things are done more consistently because you could "pop" in to visit regularly.

Meals on wheels can be set up to provide meals for mom and sister when she is on duty. Otherwise, frozen meals and shelf stable meals can be purchased for when sister is on duty.

Groceries and supplies: make shopping list with sister and order online. Either have a shopper who delivers to the house (like Shipt) or sister and mom can pick them up at the store. Of course, this should be paid for with sister's and mom's finances.

Please check mom's finances. make sure mom's bills are paid and sister isn't dipping into her accounts.

Ask sister to see her doctor. She may be suffering from depression - so many people are during this pandemic.

First thing that stood out to me was your statement "When I ask mom to ask her to help me out ..." Don't ask mom to intervene. YOU talk to sister directly with your concerns and complaints. Second thing, consider using part of mom's SS to hire a biweekly housekeeper. She/he could be scheduled to come a week or so (midway point) after you leave. Third thing, consider using a part of mom's SS to hire a personal health aide that can come to do grocery shopping, light meal prep, activities of daily living assistance, etc. They run $18-20/hr where I live. My mom has 30 minutes assistance with compression hose, dishes, medication reminder, shower assist, laundry, etc in the morning, and 30 minutes in the evening. You can talk to local companies - they don't have to come every day. Good luck. I suspect sis is burned out, depressed, and probably has some underlying health issues.

I have a sibling that wouldn’t participate in active caregiving with our dad, he sat and stared at either TV or his phone. What he did do was complain loudly about what he was asked to do and put out on social media that he was a sole caregiver under tremendous stress. I also walked into a mess after his turns with dad, and though I didn’t say anything to dad, I could see my dad’s strain at the hostility he got from my sibling at being asked to do anything. For me, the answer was to stop expecting anything, not waste time feeling resentful, and find other ways to accomplish what needed to be done. Sometimes the people around us, for a myriad of reasons, just aren’t capable of doing what’s needed. And it’s okay to release both of you from expecting it to be different

First let me say...you will be rewarded by your own heart for helping out your mom. You will sleep better too after she is gone. I know what it is like having siblings with lax homecare standards. She too lived under the same roof as my dearly departed mom. You do not say if your mom is cooking on her own. Is she capable? It sounds like the dishes are neglected? Could she be demanding your sister just sit there and keep her company. My mother would get angry that I wanted to clean and all she wanted was companionship. She wanted to ignore her declinibg ability to keep the house orderly and wanted to live on the sofa with her "kids" watching TV. Are the dishes piled up for days perhaps? You do not get into this so I will assume it's not complete abandonment. People have to eat and dishes need to get done although slower than our standards in order to keep eating. Notice I said our standards. My mother raised me to do the housework I was much older than my sister. Closer to seven years. I think you might be emotionally and mentally more healthy than your sister. It takes its toll living as an adult in the house with a sick parent who is declining ...you feel trapped and not because you do not want to help but because you are getting told to stop cleaning and watch her favourite shows with her. All day. Day after day. You see I too lived with my mother and noticed she did this to me. I unlike your sister disobeyed my mother and cleaned the kitchen when she napped. As a 50 year old she woke up saw me in the kitchen and grabbed a broom breaking it over my shoulders to stop my cleaning her kitchen. I lived in the flat above and had my own kitchen upstairs she yelled out hitting me. I again do not know much about your sister but it might be safe to say laziness is a sign of disheartenment ...maybe depression...maybe feelings of hopelessness. Maybe its obeying your mother's demands. I might be wrong here too. My sister had to move in once I left and mom got too sick to be left home alone I wonder is it possible to spend $80 on the week you are not there to hire a cleaning lady. A gift. Someone who is bonded and not a family or freind of (I say this due to trust issues developing). I wonder if your sister is working would gifting her money too...on the opposite week of a cleaning service getting the money to clean and providing her with cleaning supplies would it lift her spirits and make her feel appreciated? No one wants to feel like its a duty. They want to do things from their heart. We must look at a bigger picture and it is hard when you are standing in the middle of it....it is in my experience better to not ask permission from depressed people but wrap it all up as gifts. Gifts are not refused. I have lost my parents. I have given up on my siblings who called me lazy till I moved out and took on your role as the visiting cleaning lady.....and only now upon reading your experience do I see one avenue that might have been better. Do not ask or tell. Do. It might work. Or maybe I have no problem solving skills...still. In my mothers last year I went over four days a week. But jealousy took over because I am not holding back the truth...we were a dysfunctional ...a poorly functional family. Its not anyone's fault. It is however a problem needing a benevolence instead of retalliation. I hope this helps.

Poster has not been back to answer anyone's questions about what agreement was made with sister to help with caregiving, if sister lives in the house with their mother, whether sister agreed to prepare meals, whether POA both medical and financial has been done, what their mother's ailments are that require care, whether sister is employed or not, how much money their mother has to pay for in-home help, etc etc etc etc. Perhaps sister is burned out?

For one thing, step back. If your mom has her mental faculties then don't worry about it. It's your mom's life and your mom's house. Not everyone cares if the house is spotless, evidently it doesn't bother your mom or sister.
Stop saying anything to either one of them about the care of your mom or the dirty house.

Do just the amount of work you would normally do with both your mom and the house.

Or clean up just your mom and her bedroom and bath only.

If your sister doesn't cook, there shouldn't be a lot of stuff to clean in the kitchen, so don't. They must order in or eat microwaveable food and that's their business too.

Every one takes care of things differently so instead of being upset with sis and making mom angry when you mention it, just change yourself because that's tge only thing you can change.

A side thought is if your mom has the money and can afford it and wants too, you could have a cleaning service come in once a week, even the weeks you come and that way you have more time for nice visiting then cleaning all the time you're there.

As someone who took care of their aunt before she finally decided to go to an old folks home, I can attest to how frustrating, difficult, and time consuming caring for an old person can be. She managed to take an entire hour and a half to eat one meal at a fast food restaurant, she didn't clean her dishes, clothes, or clean up after the cat. She expected me to do all of that and more. During Covid-19, all of this is even worse than before.

I'm guessing your sister has a life outside of caring for her mom, family, kids, work, ect. 2-3 weeks is way too long of a shift, maybe alternate every week? I cared for my aunt all by myself for over an entire year, and it was eating away at me with high stress levels, and lost time that I could have spent making money. I gained thirty pounds, and found myself having next to no leisure time at all. Eventually, she stopped cooperating with me because she thought I was after inheritance. (She has late-stage dementia, so it's not really her fault.) At that point, I had to let her go to an old folks home. I'm not even in her will by the way. She removed me from her will, because she actually thought I was caring for her because of inheritance.

If I could go back in time, then I wouldn't have cared for her at all. She had money to hire a housekeeper, as well as anything else she could possibly need. My health suffered greatly, and I'm still working on losing all of this excessive weight slowly. I'm also in great debt thanks to Covid-19, as I was working a part-time job at a gym that was immediately cut. Part-time work was all I could do, thanks to having to care for my aunt, but even now I'm jobless thanks to Covid-19.

If your mom can't do basic things for herself, then I'm sorry, but it's time for her to be sent to a greater place of care. No one should be expected to do everything for another person, because it's far too time consuming for no pay. Can she cook her own meals? Does she clean her messes up? Can she get up and walk around on her own? Does she give you any trouble? Does she smoke, or blast the tv because she can't hear? These are all important things that we should know ahead of time. Sometimes they can make caring for a person intolerable.

I've been in this struggle for many years now. At first i hired a cleaning women once a month and asked sister to pay for half. (with covid may not be a solution)
and also, depending on your sister, she may not be willing. I found through time that my sister was a narcist - very selfish and so I have just started doing the work myself. I just focused on mom and her surroundings and ignored my sister 100% as a source of any assistance. We are all programmed differently and it will upset you more to focus on her than it is your mom - it is terrible and cancerous but they have no understanding of what it is to be a great caregiver because everything is about them. If you are POA you can enforce things like cleaning service and take over your moms account to provide safe and clean environment but the doctor needs to declare her incompetent so you should take her to the doctor " tell her its for covid" - check the will and all important documents and keep them near you asap. Learn as much as you can. Good Luck and sorry that you are suffering - Dementia is horrible and no one wins.

Was your sister ever a good housekeeper? Did she ever do regular cooking, cleaning, laundry? - If no, you got the person that she's always been.

If she used to do these things, is it possible with you being out of town, sis has been dealing with mom much more than you prior to this current arrangement. She may be burned out. Mom and sis have become used to the situation. When you argue with sis, mom wants to avoid the bickering and leave it as is. Neither of them probably care anymore about what gets done.

Not sure if you mean sis lives there all the time - but - tell them both the conditions are going to get sis in trouble and mom placed in facility. If sis is there all the time, she's on call 24/7. Not always big tasks, but take it from others who live with the parent - you can't start and finish anything without interruption. Leaving the room to wash dishes is when you get 1000 questions about something. After years of this, your brain is like having attention deficit - it is very hard to start something, figure out what to start, and changes you.
As for meals - you say no meals cooked - so are both of them just living on fast foods? I mean, they have to be eating something.

Use mom's finances to hire someone to come in and clean weekly. If you come on weekend, then have cleaning day be on a Thurs or Friday so you aren't so angry when you enter the house. You might be able to spend some of your time there doing meals to put in the freezer.

I'm another one who is going to stick up for the sister a little bit here. I was the caregiver who was scrutinized by family/friends. Are there dishes in the sink? Well, yes, but I run the dishwasher every 2 days and those dishes are from last night's dinner and this morning - they will be washed tonight after dinner. It's very easy to see the laundry that's sitting, but difficult to see that I just did two loads and put it away while no one was looking. Sorry I didn't get all of it done. I had a family member make an unannounced visit and email me later with her list of things to either do by myself or mandate that a twenty-something person she specified must do them. How do I mandate someone? Seriously? Plus, elders frequently don't allow uninterrupted time to finish a big project (like scrubbing the floor), so sometimes those things get put on the back burner inadvertently. I had a million other things going on in my life at the time, but maybe no one knew that or cared. I was so exhausted that I prayed something would happen to me so that I could be in the hospital a few days. (It sounds crazy at the present moment, but that made sense at the time in that state of mind). To top it off, elder's house was in better shape than my own. When someone appears lazy and ineffective, sometimes it's exhaustion and feeling like life has become a bottomless pit. Sister may have simply had it up to here.

As a matter of principle, it’s important to keep in mind especially when it comes to a sibling saying what another sibling did or didn’t do, to have a measured response and open mind rule number one- your sisters side of things is an unknown - her account might be a lot different than yours. She may say ( i.e. “my sister was never around, I let her know I have fibromyalgia and am doing the best I can. Mom always has meals, the house is not a photo of better homes and gardens but it’s certainly sanitary and yes there’s a bit of clutter. I wish my sister had been more supportive of moms needs. It’s easy for her to now say after all this time what a bad job I’m doing when the reality is I’m the only one who’s been helping”—- it raises a question to some when the sibling who hasn’t been around ( except maybe near the end) says bad things about the sib who’s been there.
pls note I don’t know one way or another however usually the truth lays somewhere in the middle. Have you asked yourself why you weren’t around for your mom ( until a little bit now at this late stage of things)
Did you assume the worst ( labeling your sister as lazy) rather than asking how she’s doing, how she’s feeling? If you have knowledge of caregiving you’d know how draining it’s known to be, so frankly that raises the question if having known this why you didn’t try to help your sister out so her health would stay in okay shape and avoid stress and burnout