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I am the POA for my father in law and do not believe anything his caregiver says. He lives with his ex-wife and the household dynamics are horrible. There is no schedule or consistency. My father in law has mid stage dementia, and constantly says how great she takes care of him. She does wait on him hand and foot, makes him meals and that is about it! Oh, she is also very good at shopping! Every day she is off getting groceries. I will give her that. He is sick and doesn’t understand all the care he is missing. Important care. Showering, exercise, getting out of the house, socializing and mental health. He is 1/2 paralyzed on left side and needs walking assistance. She leaves him home alone for hours on end, and then cries when he falls. We have tried to make a schedule for her to have down time for herself as well as shopping for groceries, so he is with us and not alone! She constantly makes excuses or when we do take him, she doesn’t go get groceries. She will go out during the week, when we can’t take him! If we try to plan anything in advance, she sabotages it. Saying he is having a bad day, or diarrhea so he can’t go out! He fell twice in on day, and both times she was out and about, and left alone. He had an appointment with his PCP the next day! They went to the appointment and I joined by phone, from my work. Dr. Wanted him to have X-rays, because his back and hip hurt. Here we are 40 days later and she never took him! I had surgery myself so I could not assist. I asked repeatedly when she was taking him, and she said tomorrow. My husband and myself are so truly stressed out, and we need help!

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Have you tried a plain old FIRM discussion ending with “........unfortunately we notice how difficult his care is, Dear Ex Wife, and since we don’t want you to be so burdened for even one more day, I’m planning to invoke my POA and get someone in here to give you the help you need and deserve to continue to be able to give him what HE needs”.

”No, we WON’T EVEN THINK of letting you continue without some help. That’s just out of the question. In fact, we’ve already contacted a WONDERFUL AGENCY
and they have THE PERFECT AIDE”.

If your POA gives you that LEGAL RIGHT, GO FOR IT. Check the language in the POA, make the arrangements with the agency, done deal.
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24/7 care by an individual is not sustainable.

Evaluate her strengths and weaknesses and have her do what she is good at, then try to piece in the rest. Compare the resulting quality of life, safety, and expense with the alternatives.

He only falls in the daytime when she is out shopping? So, she is fine as the overnight shift caregiver? What other hours does she cover OK? Does she go out shopping before 8:00 a.m. or after 7:00 p.m.? What shifts can family cover?

That leaves you with the shift(s) you need coverage for. Will the additional caregiver(s) transport him to activities, appointments for therapy or lab work, in addition to providing assistance with bathing and other ADLs?

So, you might start with a helper who comes in after breakfast and stays until she comes back to fix lunch, maybe 8-12, then add another from 3-7. Even if she isn't back "on time" he wouldn't be alone for the length of time that he is now.

You also need to prepare an exit strategy. What is the plan for her when he can no longer live at home? Are her resources and income limited? Will she stay for a few months of transition and leave amicably? Will there be a final cash payment on move out?

I will add a final thought. If you are not paying her, she may feel less obligated to follow your directions. So her sense of obligation to him for providing room and board (and indulging her grocery shopping) may lead her to be less willing to nag him to do things he dislikes. The echoes from their marriage may also play a part.
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Liarlane3159 Mar 2021
Thank you for those helpful hints. We have tried on many levels to explain that we are not all good at everything. That was an approach we attempted. The ex will not admit that she can’t handle things! This is clearly a control factor. The only financial contribution from her to the household is child support she receives from her daughter. They have raised there two grandchildren by her daughter. The grandson is still living with them and she gets Child support for him as well as food stamps. Other than that, my FIL foots the bill! We also tried to explain with having assistance, it will be healthy for everyone. Her responses are clear. It’s her home too and she doesn’t want someone in there home all day! I tried to explain that it is his home also and he is entitled and deserves this care. She just wants to argue about it and says I am stressing her out! Yes, I am because he matters too!
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"I am the POA for my father in law and do not believe anything his caregiver says."
have not read the whole post.. just the top line..



start looking for a better caregiver or call the agency and replace her....


sorry this one is not working out... I need someone better.
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Frebrowser Mar 2021
Not all caregivers come from an agency.

Some are marginally functional family or friends that fill in to the best of their limited ability while trying to support themselves on a patchwork of government, charity, and family support.

The person in need of caregiving may have formed a mutually beneficial arrangement with this caregiver that has worked for a period of time to give them the ability to stay in a version of their own home.

It can work .... until it doesn't.

Edited to add: My Dad had a similar situation. It had its frustrations, but we tried to respect and support the decisions he made while he was still able to. I think it gave him satisfaction to be her benefactor by paying the bills and occasionally contributing to her personal expenses.
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You are POA. You have described unsafe care. It is likely time now for placement for your Dad. Covid restrictions are slowly lifting now. When your Dad is in Hospital is a good time to reach out to Social Workers to help with placement. I am sorry you are down yourself now, and wish you speedy healing . This does sound like not an especially good time to address all this, but if Dad falls and is hospitalized then you may have to. You do describe her as loving and willing to work to fulfill his needs, cook for him and etc. That may buy you time. But the unsafe situations means they may NOT buy you time. I sure wish you good luck.
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What made you come to the forum today, specifically? The reason I ask is that it's been over a month that the ex-wife has been failing to take your FIL for investigations ordered by his PCP - presumably you and your husband haven't both had surgery, and it's his father we're talking about - so something must have been the last straw. What was it?
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Liarlane3159 Mar 2021
Thank you for your question. No we did not both have surgery. My husband has been assisting me with my recovery and he does not drive. Whenever we propose options to better his care, she states she is taking care of it and she is taking him, then doesn’t. My FIL doesn’t remember he needs x-rays and she uses that to her advantage. Excuse after excuse! When I mentioned why she had t taken him, she said he does want to go! Which we know isn’t true! She is using his illness like he is responsible! Since Covid hit, we usually have him every weekend and during the week, if we are off! My FIL does great with me, not so much for my husband. We have a different relationship. Also, I want his dad to come stay with us, but he thinks she is taking great care of him. I just found this forum last night, as I was beyond anger trying to figure out what I am missing! I know she lies and does what she can, BUT it is not nearly enough!
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I get the feeling even though she is an Ex she still gets the perks of being his wife, like spending his money, so she doesn't need to be paid.

Yes, time to involk your POA. She is an ex with no rights when it comes to his care. Its time to take over the finances and hire additional care. I like what Frebrowser said. Let Ex do what she likes, cooking and shopping, and hire someone to be their during the day. If ur Dad is midway into his Dementia, he should norpt be left alone.

What happens if you need to place him to her?
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Liarlane3159 Mar 2021
Thank you for that question. If we have to place him, they will take his SSI, she will have no way to pay for the Bills. They also just received a new trailer by a grant. They have to liv there for 5 years to have lien lifted. It has only been 1 year! I am the designated agent( which my FIL and his ex agreed) because the ex was going to be a caregiver for what she does do for him! Here is the problem. She will not follow through. For example. In September she was required to have a physical. She missed all three appointments, her doctor cancelled her as a patient. She won’t have the physical because she has to do blood work and she takes my FIL medications and between the blood work and urine, it will show. She is not accountable and makes excuses what my FIL is at fault! I pull my hair”He is sick” He is the patient”
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Any time that he is admitted to the hospital is a possible transition point to moving to an LTC facility and going through the Medicaid qualification process.

When or if he moves, get his personal possessions, photographs, papers, momentos, etc. out promptly. The ex/caregiver will probably do her best to retain the trailer and cover the rent, but she is unlikely to give you any warning when she is evicted. If he is on Medicaid none of his income will be available for bills.

I would guess that he would like to be reassured that you have not been ungenerous in leaving her with the household goods that he can't use in his new residence. It may allow him the relief of fantasizing that he can go home when he gets better.

Do not impulsively move him in with you. I'm sure you have had the opportunity to read about best practices and pitfalls here.
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