I’ve been caring for him for a year and a half since my mom passed away. He does nothing but sit in a room watching tv while I feed him and take care of him. When we start to make plans he gets scared and makes me feel sorry for him. Tells me stories and how my mom effected him so much (mom was abusive and needy) I’m sick of this life. I want my life back. I sometimes feel he is taking full advantage of me. He has health issues but he’s not paralyzed. His depression and anxiety meds help him but when I start to retreat to care for myself he suddenly gets anxious and depressed again. It’s infuriating!! Any thoughts? Help please!
You are putting the cart before the horse.
It is time to seek counseling to find out whether you wish to sustain more decades of your life caring for your parent. The answer may be no. It will come then to telling your father. This won't make him happy; you aren't responsible for anyone but your own happiness. You can grieve and mourn with him, but I would not give explanations or reasons unless you want to spend endless argument about how he will change and how it will get better.
It is time to own your own life, to which you, as a grownup, have the right to. No one can do this for you. It is difficult work and I would get the support you need.
"So your dad thinks being abusive and needy to you because he married and stayed with an abusive, needy woman is justified?"
Shell,
What Isthisrealyreal said is very similar to what I'd just written and accidentally deleted!
Manipulating you to do what he wants you to do is abusive. It's mental and emotional abuse. The fact he put up with it from your mum doesn't give him the right to do it to you.
He can't change, but you can. You can stop allowing his controlling and needy behaviour to affect how you behave. You can decide to take your life back.
If you live with him, leave.
If he lives with you, make him leave.
If he can't live alone, see about getting him into independent living, or assisted living if he can't function on his own, or into a group home.
If you're worried about making him unhappy, answer this: is your dad happy now?
No, he's not. So, don't sacrifice your life and your chance of happiness trying to do an impossible task - filling the void in your dad's life and making him happy. Not only can you not do that, it isn't your responsibility to do that. So quit.
I'm not saying stop being his daughter; carry on doing that - advocate for him and visit him, just stop being his carer and the emotional punch-bag for the bottomless well of his unhappiness. He won't try and help himself, so you can't help him.
You have to help yourself.
I take care of my mom. She’s 95 with Alzheimer’s I’m 70 and in fine shape to care for her. I’ve been caring for her for 14 years. I feel a lot of what you’re feeling even though I love her very much. I miss my old life working friends going to church being active in church more time with my grandchildren, etc.. Can you get back to me?
i’m new to this. I just read a lot of the responses you got and see that you live with your father that’s kind of like my mom and when I look back it almost seems she’s been that way since I was a child and maybe I just forgot about it I have fallen into a great depression. I hope this doesn’t happen to you. Remember the saying put your oxygen mask on first. You can’t help your father if you don’t help yourself first I’m assuming you don’t work but don’t know for sure I mean, work outside of the home of course.
my mom is in diapers. She doesn’t even want me to leave the room. She’s in to get up to go to the bathroom. She has a panic and asked me where I’m going so many times not complaining but just explaining to you how it is and I would hate to let it go so far for you being that you’re in this for only a year so far and you see what it’s doing to you. And as one of your responses said, don’t do anything for him that you know he can do for himself or he’ll stop doing anything and you’ll have to do everything. You deserve a life too. It’s wonderful that you’re willing to help him, but you deserve a life as well. I hope you do things that are fulfilling to you in someway and that you have friends
You cannot allow your mother to form a 'shadowing' habit with you. Let her panic and get hysterical when you leave the room. There MUST be boundaries. Medicate her if you need to. I had a live-in position years back. I split the week with another caregiver. I would not allow the client to shadow me. Oh, no. She got locked in her room at night so she couldn't wander (her family put the latch on the bedroom door). I used a baby monitor in her room to make sure there was nothing actually wrong with her and I'd toilet her a couple times in the overnight. The other caregiver would go in every minute. So a shadowing habit formed. The client had to be able to see her every minute or she'd get hysterical. The caregiver had to set up a chair in the doorway of the bathroom so the client could watch her use the toilet and shower. A couch had to be moved into the client's room because she had to sleep in there too. She went nuts and I told her that doesn't happen with me. There was panic and hysterics in the beginning which I ignored. The client was fine. This established with her that I'm not going to be next to you 24/7. The crying and panicking stopped during my days with her because it didn't get her any attention.
You're 70 years old and have been at this for 14 years. How many good years do you think you're going to get? Put your mother in a memory care facility and take back your life. You have kids and grandkids and friends. Go back to your life. Why should they have to be deprived of you so you can be a care slave to your 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's. Let me ask you something. Was she (your mother) a care slave when she was in her fifties and at 70? You are.
She's 95 years old and has lived her life. Put her in a memory care facility. You've sacrificed enough of your own life to her needs. 14 years of it. You don't have to make it a life sentence.
If you think about the above statement, does it change the way you think about the relationship you have with him?
What role does he fulfill for you NOW? What role has he pushed onto you NOW? Are you grieving the time when you were only his darling daughter, not his caregiver or pseudowife? Is he?
Reflection....and then, maybe, counseling for you first and inclusion of him later, depending on the counselor's advice.
And then you call APS on your way out the door, and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves, and let them take things from there.
You owe your father nothing....as in NOTHING!
I'm sure that you love your father but what you're doing now is enabling him and that isn't good for anyone.
You need and deserve your own life and any father that is mentally stable and truly loves their child would NEVER want their child giving up their life for them.
You do not bring him food. If he can get to the table, he must if he wants to eat. You do not owe him an explanation when you go out. If he starts up with the pity party and working himself up, ignore that completely. Do him a favor and you don't pay him any attention when he's working himself up because it's a manipulation tactic to get what he wants from you. I was a homecare worker for 25 years and am now in the business of it. I've seen this behavior play out many times. A senior working themselves up into a panic, hysterics, or some other nonsense to get their own way or to not have to do something they don't want to do. It's like a brat child having a tantrum and holds their breath. Ignore it. Believe me, when they see that this manipulation tactic doesn't work on someone, they stop. Your father will too.
Also, he will not be allowed to sit and wallow around your house all day. He will be going to the senior center or an adult day center a few days a week. If that's not his thing, then he will be going out with a hired companion a couple days a week.
His marital issues with your mother have nothing to do with you. Tell him this. That none of it is your fault, and he needs to cut the crap (if you will pardon my French) with manipulation and guilt-trip tactics he's playing on you. Enough is enough.
Don't feel sorry for him for one minute because he is absolutely taking advantage of you.
So, he gets the ultimatum today. Either he complies with your demands and you'll continue helping him, or he goes into a nursing home.
This is where I am right now.. I’ve sort of taken some time for myself yesterday and today. I’ve noticed he hasn’t really gotten himself out of bed.. I don’t even want to go in there to see him because I’m so angry that I can’t do this for myself without guilt..
I’m so sorry you and dad are dealing with this. Perhaps consider couples therapy to help you and dad unload the trauma that mom dished out. I’ve recently discover IFS, Internal Family Systems by Richard Swartz. He is the founder of this therspy and there are many YouTube videos about it. Also EMDR might be helpful for you and dad.
This neediness is only going to get worse if you don’t make changes. Shadowing is something to look at. The more he only has you as his caregiver, the worse it will be for the both of you.
If he truly needs caregiving then he needs to go to a care home until he is disabled enough to qualify for Medicaid in a nursing home.
Does he change his bed linens, run the washer, fold clothes? Clear his dishes? Sweep the walk? Clean his bathroom? Does he shower, shave, go out for a haircut? Give him a list of what’s expected. Is he treated for depression or anxiety?
Ask his doctor to order him home physical or occupational therapy unless you would rather take him to a therspy facility. You need to know his true limitations. check his pulse and O2 with a oximeter and his BP at least once a week. Does he have a cell phone? Measure his number of steps.
My cousin took her parents to the senior center every day for lunch. They had a smoothie for breakfast. One had Parkinson’s the other dementia. It got them up, dressed and out of the house daily. That’s just an example.
Even a bad marriage must be grieved and mourned. I’m sure your dad has needed some time for that but he will either decline or get moving.
Hoping you will both feel better soon.
You might even start such a group for him. Your back yard, a park, anywhere. He must be very lonely.
Also think seriously about a managed care home for him. You deserve to have a life, and he'd have more of a life in a place where they cater to folks like him.
Sometimes love doesn't look very loving. The best way to set boundaries is to decide what you will do and when you will do it and stick to that, no matter how much victimhood he tries to guilt you with.
I'm sorry, I don't have much sympathy for someone that pulls the crap your dad is.
Whatever he tolerated from your mom is being weaponized to control you. This is manipulative and unfair. His choice doesn't mean he gets to sit there and be served by you until he dies, making you pay the consequences for his choices. Maybe this is why your mom was abusive? Maybe he made her needy early in there marriage, who knows but, you ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for her actions OR stepping in to her shoes.
Best of luck. These are hard situations to navigate when we don't want to be firm with our parent and put a stop to being manipulated.
He has had three heart attacks but he’s fine. We go to the doctor regularly and they say he is doing well physically. He also has diabetes. We took him to Florida not long ago and he do well getting on planes and walking around.. I thought that would pull him out of this cycle but we get back here and he just sits again..
Financially he gets his social security but it’s not enough for assisted living.. he’s also a veteran so I’m looking into getting financial help from the VA but this takes time and they have not got back to me yet
Thank you all for the very helpful advice
I assume your mother was abusive toward you as well as towards your father?
Your dad has shown great resilience in waiting for life to happen. He can do what he is doing now somewhere else and you can reclaim your life. His therapy isn’t working for him.
Ask him to leave. No discussion that puts you having to justify or explain. I read your previous post. Nothing has changed. It’s clear it is up to you.
Dad is caught in his daily routine and you are enabling it by caring for him. You have an imbalance of power. Dad has it all.
Since you don’t provide info on how old dad is or his financial or health situation you are missing out on some advice on where he might find help. Communicate with the forum so the responses can be more customized to your situation.
I attached an article on codependency for you to take a look at. Your previous post said dad was trying to make you take your mom’s place in cooking etc for him. Alva’s suggestions are good ways to cope with the situation but you need and dad needs a big change.
Wishing you success.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs
Best to you.