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Mother-in-law died 10 years ago , hubby and I took father-in-law in to care for him as he has slight Parkinson’s and an even bigger attitude problem (basically hates ALL women). At first all ok, but now he’s taken a real hate towards me. Hubby and I never go out together anymore, if hubby goes out father-in-law goes with him. Can’t leave him on his own as he claims he would fall if unattended. He has 24/7 care from us with no respite as if anybody comes in he plays up afterwards for days ( makes us suffer by getting us up at all hours of the night for no reason, or just ringing his bell for the hell of it, or demanding to be taken to the loo only to get there and say he doesn’t need to go now, so it’s just not worth the agro). I miss the time with my husband we are soul mates but now just fall out all the time as father in law upsets me all the time with his horrible comments unrepeatable on this forum an hubby says oh he’s just ill and old not to take notice. I Had a takusotbu heart attack 2 months ago because of all of the stress this awful old man causes me, feel so unhappy, unappreciated and frankly unloved. The other sons haven’t seen him for years and now I know why. I wish my hubby would just stand up to this bully father and make me his number one priority as at this rate I’m going to keel over with all the stress

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Well, I don't know how you can, or should, live with such a situation frankly. You've already had a heart attack due to the stress, what's next? I'm not sure your husband realizes the stress you're feeling, although he should, given your health crisis a short time ago!

Perhaps you need to have (another?) heart to heart talk with your DH and let him know the situation is not working out, and that you can no longer be a care giver to such a man who treats you this way. Either DH looks into alternate living arrangements for his father or perhaps both of them should move out and live together so DH can care for HIS father 24/7, instead of you. That may seem harsh, but so is the treatment YOU are receiving from both of these men! When you married DH, you did not agree to THIS living arrangement, that's for sure!

I am not usually one to recommend 'ultimatums' but in this case, I'm not sure what other choices you have! Because even if you hired an in home caregiver for FIL, you'd need someone round the clock for the middle of the night wake up calls for no good reason. That would be extremely cost prohibitive, not to mention another invasion of your privacy, the way I see it.

Wishing you the best of luck with this tough situation.
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2020
The sad truth is that she is dealing with 2 males, not a man to be found in her house.
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I'm both a caregiver myself and a former gerontologist and social worker. This type of situation cries out for tough love. If your FIL were a 20-year-old, would you put up with the behavior? Would you sacrifice everything for him? I'm thinking that it's even more clear with an elder that there are alternatives. If your FIL has the financial resources, find him an assisted living and get him moved in ASAP, or at least on a wait list. Meanwhile, hire caregivers to come in for respite as often as you need them and have him pay. Or split the cost. If he's low-income and low-asset, check with your Area Agency on Aging for services including housing, in-home care and all sorts of assistance. If he really needs 24/7 care/supervision, he will probably qualify for long-term care coverage from Medicaid if he's financially indigent - meaning he has very few assets and his income is low. There is no reason to keep a difficult elder in the home who is trying to rule the roost, as you say. Tell your hubby you need help, you need a change and you want him to work on this with you...standing up to his father together. I did this with my dad who was living with us and I felt we could no longer meet his needs ourselves. He was not happy but I did not back down and once he moved into a facility he adjusted well. Good luck!!
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Seriously, if this man is causing you so much stress, why do you keep him in your home? Why not have him move into AL so that you and your husband can take your lives back?

It appears that your husband is not tuned into your needs and places his father ahead of you. This attitude would not work for me under any circumstances.

IMO your husband needs to grow a backbone and do what is right for you, no excuses.

Good Luck!
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Dear Loulonz, are you by any chance from the Philippines (that ‘z’ sort of suggests it)? If so, you and your husband have very strong inherited expectations to cope with, as well as a pig of an old man. You need to be very strong to get out of this. Be clear that you are the one that bears the brunt of the problem, so you are the one that will have to change. FIL is having a ball, waited on hand and foot and playing power games as well. DH is uncomfortable, sure, but he is not doing anything like as much work as you are doing, or copping half as much flack. So what can you do?

Yes, you can move out. This puts more pressure on DH, who may make a change. But it will probably ruin your marriage. The other option may be to cut down on what you actually do for FIL. Go and see your doctor, and make sure that you come away with ‘rules’ that you have to follow. You must not get up in the night. You must cook and eat separately – stress while eating could cause ??? (And just by the way, someone here has just died from stress and inhaling food in an eating competition, so it’s not total imagination). His laundry must be sent out (or DH must take and collect to a laundromat). You wear ear plugs in the house so you can’t hear him yell or ring the bell - and that bell should go missing anyway.

Perhaps you get a job that keeps you out of the house at times when he ‘needs’ support. Even a holiday somewhere else for a month (visiting your own relations?) might change the situation without you to prop it up.

The object of this is to make life less fun for FIL and more work for DH. You have to stop ‘enabling’ this behaviour (of both FIL and DH) by the work you do, and make the alternatives of a facility more attractive for them than keeping going like this.

You have my very sincere sympathy. Whatever you do is going to be very difficult, but perhaps thinking along the lines suggested may give you some more ideas yourself.
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It is time for Dad to be in care now. You have had a heart attack. This is a warning. Please heed it.
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