My mom needs care in her home and cannot live by herself anymore. She has fallen twice in the last year, first suffering a tailbone fracture and now a hip fracture. She’s currently still in the hospital, terrorizing everyone around her with her demands and rudeness.
She has always been a very difficult, demanding person who needs to be in charge of everything. The hospital has now had enough of her behavior and wants to send her home. We have lined up a home health service that provides 24-hour care, but she refuses to allow a live-in caregiver. She also refuses to go into a nursing home or assisted living facility.
She is constantly complaining about everything and everyone and accuses us all of not caring for her. I am at my wits end, because ALL we do is try to make it possible for her to return to her own home and stay there, which is what she always said she wanted.
There is no way to talk to her rationally. All she does is throw accusations and needs complaints at us every chance she gets. I am mentally exhausted and dread every day, wondering what new drama I will have to deal with next. All we all want is for her to be safe and get the care she needs.
Of course you want her to be safe. But, she is a grown woman, and one who is used to making demands and is used to being in charge.
Let her take charge of her own needs. It is not your burden to try and make her do something she doesn't want to do.
Back off a little. Back off a lot. Yes, as you fear, you will probably get a phone call with some new drama, but you don't have to deal with it. You do not have to prove to her that you care. You can demonstrate that you care, and when rebuffed, let her think what she may. You can not control what another person does, or what another person thinks, or how they feel about you.
Here's a tip: Limit phone calls from her. You can block, or simply not answer, and let her calls go to voicemail, then call at a time that is suitable for you.
You already know her behavior well. It's not going to change now.
Unfortunately, with stubborn people such as this, who insist they can live independently, and insist on having no help, unless they call and whine with some dramatic story, you will have to leave her alone, and let her fail. Yes, that means she will possibly fall and fracture something again. You will get a phone call when she is being transported to the ER.
As much as you want to prevent that, and you want her taken care of, if she refuses, you can not make that decision for her, unless she has appointed you as POA, and she loses her capacity to make her own decisions.
My MIL (who wasn’t as difficult as what you describe, she died of COPD) fired several home health aides earlier on for truly absurd things like cutting the sandwiches “wrong” and making the bed “wrong.” She was also obsessed that they were stealing from her. Then she got too sick to get from bed to bedside commode on her own and declared the next and last aide just great. She knew the only alternative was residential care.
My own mom has also fired a few aides for making noises “creeping down the hall” early in the morning to use the bathroom, or leaving a hair in the sink, or refusing to do things like scrub mold out of her washing machine, or weed the gravel driveway —which are definitely not part of regular aide duties. Or another one she called an “animal” because she slightly rearranged some Knick knacks after dusting a table. It really bothers me.
I know of a couple of cases where elderly people couldn’t deal with aides in their own home but became cooperative in assisted living.
good luck detaching!! I wish you peace.
AND most of all how do you care for yourself? This isn't easy when caught in a parent trap. As a daughter you want to honor and respect your mother but it doesn't mean you don't care for yourself. In fact, it's imperative you do. Who else will?
My therapist told me, "I am not responsible for other responses, emotions or choices. I have agency and they have agency."
May you find peace in the midst of a difficult situation.
Good luck with the medications though .
The narcissists in my family refused them in assisted living. They said there was nothing wrong with them. They said everyone else is the problem.
If she's a competent adult and has had a lifetime to prepare for old age, I'd take three giant steps back from this situation. Take a vacation, develop a herniated disc or a contagious disease that renders you unable to enable her.
Let the social workers and staff at the hospital deal with her and present her with her choices.
If she insists on going home, the consequences are HERS to deal with, not yours.
Just went through this scenario with MIL 3 months ago. She was parent number 4 , we learned to step back more .
She will just fire any in home caregivers , or not let them in . BTDT with more than one parent. Don’t waste your time with homecare .
Either/or solution, sometimes two choices for stubborn people work best. Choose A or B plan, there is no other option!
So, you and your mother's doctor need to level with her plainly that she has two choices.
1) She cuts the crap and knocks off the asinine stubbornness and bad behavior to start with. Then she makes it work with live-in caregivers so she can remain in her own home which is what she wants.
-OR-
2) She continues with the false accusations towards everyone, the constant complaining, and the verbal abuse and she will be discharged directly to a nursing home where she will live out the remainder of her life. You will not be taking her in, nor will you or any other family member be moving in with her.
Make your speech plain with her and her doctor should as well. If she will not comply, she goes to a nursing home.
Unfortunately too many seniors are like your mother and they end up learning the hard way and get put into LTC.
So STOP. She’s not going to all of a sudden start acting right after a lifetime of stubborn, self centered nastiness. You didn’t cause this, you can’t cure it and you can’t control it. We get it, she’s making bad choices. She’s allowed.
Change your focus from how can you get her to do what you want to how can you learn to accept that you can’t.
If she is doing the things that you say that she is doing, an at-home caregiver will not stay around. You will be forced into overseeing the caregiver, being judge between Mom and the caregiver, and filling in for the caregivers when they don't show up. In my case, after doing that for 2 years, this method was more costly than putting her in an assisted living or memory care facility, especially after taxes were included in the cost.
I can understand why she doesn't want an in-home caregiver in her house. She loses independence, someone will always be watching. She will always fear that they are "stealing" something, whether it is electricity, food, or something else, plus the habits while they are there, e.g. the smell of food cooking, what they ate, opening/closing of the fridge, the use of TV or internet, etc. will give her just more reasons to get rid of the caregiver and subsequently, crisis management for you.
That basically means moving her somewhere else, or letting her go home and letting her fire the caregiver(s) and not replacing the caregiver.
If you are set on having the in-home caregiver, sit with her and ask her about her fears of having an in-home caregiver. Take everyone of her fears seriously and try to resolve it (e.g. jewelry with you for safekeeping, etc.) Think about what is important to her (in my Mom's case it was food) and start touring places that provide exceptional service in that area. Also, I have found it helps if I validate and repeat what concerns I've heard. It tells her that you actually heard her complaint, and that you are trying to figure out how to take action on it (whether you are or not). If she is the type of person who "keeps up with the Jones", point out all the people she may or may not know, who have gone to a particular facility. Be warned: the facility she likes might not be the facility that you would like her to go to....however, go with what she would like.
While she is at-home, introduce her to other social activities, e.g. senior day care, gym class for older adults, etc. That way, she won't overthink the negative of her situation. Yes, she will grumble and find negative, however, find the humor in everything she says and laugh with her at her adventures.
If you do the at-home caregiving, the real goal is to make her comfortable and confident enough that she will consider going to assisted living or memory care willingly....
If and when your Mom decides that moving in a facility might be an okay situation, have her tour some with you and have her tell you what she does or does not like. Again, listen intently. Let her true self show at the tours as it is an interview for both sides to see if there is a match.
Best of luck to you. There are so many parts of the journey that are hard. However, this is as much of a growth opportunity for you, as it is for her. Hang in there ((HUGS))
P.S One of the biggest fears of going to a facility is the fact that they anticipate that they are being dumped there and forgotten by all family. Should she go to a facility, ensure that you tell her each time when you will be back, what is going on in your life that will prevent you from seeing her, etc. This might seem like a huge headache to you, however, I speak from experience....it sure is better than the alternative of crisis management when the in-home caregivers don't show up.
Either make it work with homecare or you go to a nursing home.
She makes it work with homecare.
It might work. I've had care clients who were nice as pie to me but were abusive, nasty, and cruel to their families.
The mother may very well get along with her caregivers if she knows that the alternative is she goes to a nursing home.
Why waste your time. Be certain you do not take on POA or guardianship, let her hire in help. Do not enable her bad decisions by helping her. Give her the phone number to APS and let her see how far she gets in refusing their help.
Eventually hospitals Social Workers will intervene and will perhaps enable state guardianship and placement. If she has the wherewithall to out-argue the state, perhaps she can teach classes in it.
I don't mean to suggest she isn't a problem. She is. But I would certainly go to great lengths to see that she isn't MY problem. I was POA and Trustee of Trust for the most cooperative and loving man in the world; it's still a hard job. And with someone uncooperative it's impossible.
It's time now to take off your rose colored glasses and realize that your mom no longer is safe at home and needs to be placed in the appropriate facility whether she likes it or not, as it's no longer about what she likes, but rather what is best for her.
So call the hospital social worker right now and let them know that your mom is an "unsafe discharge" and there is no one at home to care for her and that she needs to be placed.
And please don't fall for the lies that the social worker will try and tell you about all that they can do for your mom at home, but instead keep saying unsafe discharge, until they do their job and get mom placed.
I wish you well in standing strong and doing what you know in your heart of hearts is the right thing for your mom.
you need to say she is an UNSAFE discharge and not let them send her home
Are you her POA and does mom have dementia? Because if the answer is yes to both, you can make decisions FOR her. And if she hasn't been given a cognitive evaluation, she needs one stat.
Best of luck to you.