How do I convince MIL that she needs a shower?

My mother is a double amputee and it takes her in home care lady (that we pay out of pocket), my daughter and myself to get and give her a shower. She’s very stubborn as well. You have to slightly be firm with them. You mean well and it’s for their own good. Buy the key is you and someone else have to help her in the shower. You can’t leave her alone. An alternative, is an in bed sponge bath. You don’t want her getting any infections, sores or start smelling. You don’t want someone to report you for elderly abuse. You have to be extra careful placing her in a home. A lot of those places are neglectful and since she has dementia, she wouldn’t be able to tell you what’s going on. You’re best bet is keeping her at home and hire an in home care provider to assist you from time to time. Trust me, I completely understand your frustration. Try to hang in there. Only family could and should provide the best care for their love ones.

When was MIL usual time to shower - am or pm? Suggest you make this part of her daily routine/ Also some seniors get cold easily. Maybe put a heater or heat lamp in the bathroom and put towel and clothes in the dryer to warm up.

Also, don't "ask" her to take a shower or change clothes. Making it part of her daily routine as in "time to take your bath" and "time to get dressed/changed". Allow her choices in clothing and make bath time about prettying up may also help.

My mom is the same. Too cold and hard for her so we got a portable heater and turn the bathroom into a sauna for her to be comfortable. We had to tell her that she smelled in order to get her to shower. We use a very comfy bath chair - was a cushioned commode chair with tub removed.
I would try asking what she doesn’t like about showering. For my mom she cannot tolerate cold. Oh I also got a really soft bristled body brush A wonderful foot cleaning mat and very nice smelling soaps to make more pleasurable. We present it like a wonderful treat. Sometimes it works! Good luck- I know it can be hard.

Try doing what I did with Bad Dad, Tell her she will End up with Pins worse or even Bed Bugs, This being Said....Will Force Everyone, Hun, TO VACATE.
Hope this Helps.))xxoo

Forget the shower. Get her those Comfort bath cleansing washcloths. You (or she) can clean herself without having to take all her clothes off at one time. They do a great job and leave the skin soft and smelling great. As for shampoo, maybe take her to get her hair done once a week?

If she is aware enough of what is happening that she actually is distressed BEFORE the aide comes, then tell her, get in the shower NOW, do a good job washing and I'll send the aide back home. "NOW, this instant" being non negotiable. If she claims she "already did", don't argue, just stay on point and say "Do it again". That's the deal, or no deal. And I agree with the idea of telling her "Wash or GO" . Most elders are very afraid of going into a nursing home. The threat may hold some power.

Hint: remove all other products from the bath area. They don't read well anymore, and once found my Mom using lotion for her hair, instead of shampoo.

Hi Arlyle. This is the normal for Dementia & Alzheimers Sufferers. My Late Mother Who had Alzheimer's refused to shower too. Throughout Moms Life She had been a bath every night of the week Lady, but the disease of the Brain (Alzheimers) killed that. As I could not intrude
on my Mothers privacy I asked a retired Nurse Who Mom had a great bond
of friendship with to call for four hours one day every week to look after Moms hygiene, showering and checking for bed sores etc, which my Mother thank God never had, and to check on Moms over all general health. On
Nurse Helens first visit Mom refused to take a shower but agreed on the second attempt and there after. This really made a huge difference to Mom.
She looked beautiful again, and was much happier in Herself. I used to say to
Mom ( You look beautiful Mammy, Marlyn Monroe eat Your Heart out You are
stunning. This gave Mom a lift and it encouraged my Mother to take a shower
more often and She did. Showering is so vitally important as well as limiting
UT's. Good Luck Arlyle.

My Mom refuses to use her shower in the AL, and instead uses washcloth and sink.
she has the salon there shampoo her hair once a week.
i did have an aide help her shower in the beginning when she moved in, as she had just been in hospital and was a little unsteady. Later I found out she wasn’t showering at all, and she refuses the aide to help her. she said the experience of being watched traumatized her. So, I offered to “stand guard” outside while she showers, but she still refuses. That tells me she is simply overwhelmed by the whole process.
so I monitor her for any smell, and condition of her skin overall. So far she’s ok.

My mom had dementia too. When I was able to get her into the shower she acted like she was being tortured. So eventually I gave that up and she was refusing to go anyway. Since I had to toilet her as well, it was fairly easy to remove her pants and top and give her a sponge bath on the toilet. Also washed her hair while on the toilet. Sometimes I used that dry shampoo. Give up thinking you will do this as often as you might wash yourself. Accomplishing this even once a week is a miracle. Settle for washing hands and face for the rest of the time. Good luck!

I bought a bidet for myself a couple years ago and had a handyman/plumber attach it to one of our toilets when he was here for other small jobs. It was only about $35 on Amazon. I love it and wonder how someone with dementia would like it. Although I am not optimistic about that you never know. I may encourage my husband to try it before his Parkinson’s dementia progresses. That might help with one end of the hygiene challenge. ;)

Isthisrealyreal got it right. Great advice!

Arlyle,
This is a VERY common topic wrt the elderly, in general, and those with dementia, in particular. You have to understand that your MIL isn't refusing to bathe just to anger you, and you can't reason or argue with a person who has dementia.

I think early on in my MIL's AD, her lack of showering was mainly due to the difficulty/hassle of the process. She wanted to be clean, but the ordeal of getting undressed, turning on the water, having a towel ready, having a change of clothes picked out and ready, making sure to hold onto something and don't slip, etc. was just overwhelming for her. She also wanted to be independent and do it all herself; so, in the end, she would simply wash her face and rub her head with a washcloth and call it a shower. To her, it was exactly the same thing.

Now, in the later stages of my MIL's AD, there seems to also be a real fear of the process. She may be afraid of the water (not uncommon with AD patients, as their depth perception changes), or she may be afraid of falling, but I think the fear of failure is what really gets to her deep down. She doesn't even fully understand it, I think, but what we consider a simple thing, like choosing something to wear after a shower, has become a traumatic experience for her.

I don't know the stage of your mother's dementia, but the best advice I can give is follow Isthisreallyreal's advice, and do NOT threaten, try to reason, or argue with her. Be a guide and helper and be positive. If you do this, it will get easier, I promise!

Here is an article I found extremely helpful...
https://www.alzheimersreadingroom.com/2014/04/5-tips-how-to-get-alzheimers-patient-to.html

All the best!

Watch how quickly they will make a decision when you stop looking after her. Greased lightening

I agree with Garden and not forcing a shower. There are other ways to get cleaning done. I use wipes and wash clothes and get the job done quickly.

Arlyle, it would be through a home health service that you would find a bath aide.

I have a couple of questions and ideas that might help your aide to get a bath done.

Is the chair a shower chair? These things get cold, so a hand towel will help make her more comfortable.

Is your bathroom bright? Depth perception is affected by age and bright bathrooms can feel like a fall waiting to happen. Hang something up to define the shower space with color, make sure that there is enough light.

Let her determine the water temperature, even if it feels to cold or hot, if she is good with it work around your discomfort, gloves help with temperatures.

Give her a towel or a cape to cover herself for modesty. I would also give a a big fluffy wash cloth to cover her face when her hair is being dealt with. Always try to avoid water cascading down her face, it can feel like water torture because they don't remember not to breathe in.

Put a space heater in the room and get the temperature comfortable for a wet body.

Use products that are gentle and low sudsing.

Have a plan to get in, get it done and get out as quickly as possible. She sits down and you wet a wash rag for her to clean herself or for the helper to do this, while she is rinsing herself off her hair is being washed, after her hair move to the areas that couldn't be reached sitting down, let her hold on to the wall or grab bar while she is cleaned or let her clean her nether regions, but she has to do a good job or it needs to be done for her, sit down after a good rinse and give her a dry towel as her feet are being cleaned, turn the water off and start drying as quickly but gently as possible, always let her have a dry towel in addition to the towels being used by others.

This can literally get to a 5 minute operation.

Tonight when the aide gets there, have everything ready, help her get it done and when mom says she already did it, laugh lovingly and say it's already time again, gently body route her into the bathroom and make encouraging comments the entire time as you give her step by step instructions or tell her what you are going to be doing. I am going to shampoo your hair now, so you'll feel me giving it a good scrub. Doing great, just a sec longer, oh doesn't that feel so good. You get the idea.

The hardest thing to do is to not let her say no. She may cry and rant and rave, but that is okay. How many times have you given a crying kid a bath? That is their choice, bathing isn't.

You can do this!

Why not just switch to no rinse products?   Then you avoid all the anxiety and complexity of getting in and out of showers.

I wish I'd known about these no rinse bath and hair products years ago.   Hospitals and rehab centers use them, so do caregivers.   Give them a try; they're well worth it.  

And it lets the older person retain dignity as well as a sense of control.  I would NEVER EVER again try to convince or force someone into a shower.

I don't think this problem is as rare as it would seem. I like Pharys approach and it would save time for sure. There is no reasoning with anyone who won't bathe, it's either do it or out of my house. No arguing or pleading you'll be wasting your time, emotions and patience. Most facilities recommend 2 times a week and for me, one is acceptable if they can do a good job at the sink the rest of the week. I also keep wet wipes in the bathroom and in the drawer in mom's room. It's not her choice if it's your house so either stay clean or move out.

Explain to her that unless she showers 3 times a week under supervision she will have to move out. I told my mom she smelled of urine and I wouldn’t allow it! I did everything except hose her down.
So long story short , “Wash up or Move out!”
Its tough love, but you need to be firm,elders always get mad and seem difficult. But they’re scared and sometimes don’t know how to handle things like before.
Good luck

I would hire a bath aide and be sure that you are present and make it a non option to say no. A good bath aide can do wonders getting someone to bath.

I recommend watching a program on PBS called America, it is about grandsons caring for their 93 year old grandmother and how they accomplished baths and incontinence care etc. It was very informative. Grandma obviously had dementia.

Hello-
I used to have to battle my non- dementia mother about bathing and tried several approaches: the first two I wouldn’t recommend for you to try due to the dementia, but hopefully you will get a chuckle out of it. One time I brought the garden hose inside, stood in front of mom in Her Chair blocking the tv, aimed the nozzle at her and said, “ the water might be a little cold at first” and we glared at each other for a minute or two and I told her to reach for the sky and she finally agreed to take a shower. The second time I simply told her that when you have more cheese than Wisconsin, it’s an issue. Have you offered to help her shower meaning she just sits in the chair and you do the shampooing washing and rinsing? This worked for my mom. As Ahmijoy said, she could be afraid of falling or something. Offer to help her shower including you shaving her legs, maybe a mini pedicure by doing a sugar scrub on her feet, try bribing her with a fragrant soap and body lotion in a scent that she likes- present it to her as a ‘day spa’ session special for her or something of the sort. If she does have a fear of falling etc, presenting it like this let’s her know she won’t be alone cause you’ll be there with her. Good luck and let us know what works.
susan xoxoxo

Sometimes people with dementia suffer from claustrophobia and a fear of falling. And she may truly believe she has bathed. I suspect there is more going on here since you say you think she needs placement. If you are mostly responsible for her care, you have a valid say in this. You can state that you are weary over fighting with her and she needs to go where she will have three shifts of caregivers seven days a week.