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MIL with dementia who lives with us has basically quit showering and changing clothes. She gets upset if I try to assist her. We have tried home care but she will not permit the aide to do anything. We frequently remind and suggest bathing but she insists she has already done it. She has not of course. I am not sure if she thinks she has bathed or if she just doesn't want too. We put a chair in the shower and also the handheld wand. We offered to remove these things in case she just doesn't like them but she said no. I really think my husband, his brother and father need to start looking for placement, but they just seem unable to make the decision. In the meantime how do I get this dear lady to wash?
Thank you.

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Thank you Gdaughter!! I am in the same boat!!! In ny the elderly and disabled have rights. If I fight my mother on this issue, I am the one who would face abuse charges for NAGGING her to bathe!!
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I found out the hard way when my mother was in the hospital. You CANT make someone bathe or shower. She wouldn’t take her clothes off at the hospital but she did put on a shampoo cap.,You just put it on her head and scrub her head with the cap on. Then she combed it out and naturally dried. I picked her up from the hospital and her hair looked 109 percent better. At home I use baby wipes or disposable washcloths on her skin.
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There are some great suggestions here! I would like to add that you can do a lot with the bathing wipes, just choose ones that do not leave a film to avoid the yucky feeling that some leave. Warming them in the microwave can help with temperature.

Have you thought of setting up a chart with things to be done every day and using an arrow or pointer to show the day? I found it helpful to start the day with the activities instead of waiting until evening. Doing it early helps take away the "I already did it" argument. Make a big deal about what day of the week it is and what you want done that day.

Also think of the things she may be fearful about. In addition to previous examples, streaming water can make breathing more difficult. Try leaving the door/window open and use a portable heater. One thought is she may not like the change of temperature, sort of like jumping into the pool at first, so getting her wet all over very quickly may help, even when you are using warm/hot water - it is the change, not the temperature, although warmer water is easier.

If modesty is part of the issue, let her shower in a sleeveless undershirt and a towel to cover herself. I had buttons added to make taking the shirt off easier and cut the arm holes to be larger so I could reach under the shirt. Using a favorite scented soap helps. Also, we had a big fluffy robe that helped get a lot of the water off her wet body quickly before getting dressed.

Finding a bathing specialist is difficult. Most agencies know what their aides are good at, and you can ask the agency about having one that is good with bathing.

Let us know how things work out!!
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Arlyle Nov 2019
Thank you. This continues to be a struggle. Sometimes she will allow me to put shampoo on her head and hand her a soapy washcloth while she is in the shower but other days she will not allow me in the bathroom with her. Any kind of shower is better than none I guess. We have been able to get her to do it about once per week lately. The aide that we have coming 2 times a week cannot get any cooperation from her at all. In fact when the aide arrives MIL goes to her room and will not come out until she leaves. It has made it possible for hubs and I to get back into our dancing lessons that we have been missing, so not a total loss I guess.
Tonight she got up off the couch walked over to me and haltingly explained that she wanted to go to bed now but did not know how to do it. This is not the first time this has happened and it kind of breaks my heart for her. Anyway, thanks to all who offered advice. I do warm up the shower and bathroom for her. I guess not everything works for everybody, so we continue one day at a time.
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i'm sitting here at my desk in my nice warm brobe reading these and already feeling cold about MY upcoming shower!!! lots of good answers here and at 78 I would vote for warmf and and a great wraparound brobe !!!!!!
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my2cents Nov 2019
rovertclyde- get yourself a heater for the bathroom. If not enough room for a stand up type, they make a small unit that plugs directly into the plug that may be near your bathroom mirror. Turn in on, wait a while for it to heat up the area, and try that. It made a world of difference for my mom.
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Is she concerned about her "looks"? Nice clothes, hair and makeup done? If so you can appeal to her vanity by saying, mom let me help you take a shower, it'll make you feel better, buy some bath and body works shower gel and lotion, gee mom you look and smell great! Tell her lotion and gel are only for shower days, they're special just for her. Worth a try, may get it in her mind she wants to use her special items more often. Have others near her ask who smells sooo good? Wow is that you mom? Make a big deal about the positive. If she's like most elder ladies they preen under the compliments and look forward to more. They were raised that they had to be properly dressed and adorned before leaving the house. Hope it helps. Also agree about having the room toasty warm, even in the summer, big fluffy bath towels, fluffy absorbent robe, pat dry in shower, right into robe then out of the shower (you get chilled when getting out of shower, they freeze), that way they are still warm while you dry off legs and hair.
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Nag, not bag I meant to say .
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My mother is 95 years old and does not have dementia but she has mental illness. She has depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD, and is a hoarder. It is always a fight if I ask her to let me sponge bathe her and wash her hair. She usually tells me I am a bag and she is going to call the cops if I don't shut up about it. I got creative in September. I told her I would take her to the casino if she let me wash her hair and give her a sponge bath. She is also a gambling addict. She smiled and quickly said yes!!!!! You have to find that something that they really want and you will get it for her if she bathes. If not , you have to let it go
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When my husband is asleep, I steal his clothes off to the laundry room and lay out fresh shirt, slacks, socks etc. In the morning he doesn't realize it is clean clothing. Often times, I don't put out a shirt and he will select one out of the closet on his own and I see how he enjoys color matching. That dates back to his former art talent.
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gdaughter Nov 2019
THis is the kind of thing that I know contributes to our exhaustion...it's mental exhaustion, keeping track of a million details, remembering because we have to do it later...writing notes, and re writing notes to update...How many days did I forget to water the forgiving philodendrum...and I have to remember to note what mom is wearing so that I can remember to "steal" it and throw it in the wash...
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I have had the same problem with my husband in the last two months. This is a husband that usually took a shower once a day in the past. I was beside myself on how I was going to get him to shower. I racked my brain. I change the bed sheets every Sunday and decided to insist that we always shower on that day. No getting into bed on clean sheets without showing. Wala it worked. Mid week I told a white lie and said the Doctor said he needed to shower twice a week. He tells me, each week that he had showered that morning or the day before. I know he has no concept of time, so felt that was true. So again I racked my brain and decided to write each shower taken on the calendar and highlighted it in bright green. So when he claims he just took one, I show the calendar to him, indicating it was 3 or 4 days ago. He does shower on his own and enjoys it. So far this has been working for the last two months with only a little fuss, and we will see what the future holds.
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I read through all the answers because I think a similar question has been asked more than once before. So now after hearing all the good advice, I'm here to offer you some non-advice LOL: I'm not saying the UTI's and skin breakdowns don't happen...but I am here to tell you that it has been 2.5 years and counting since my mother has showered. I initially was appalled and felt responsible to DO SOMEthing. At least two professionals basically told me to let it go...that they had seen people go for very long periods of time. The reasoning was the level of upset and distress that it would cause; and same if she were in a nursing home which we prefer to not do. One person, a nurse from a hospital affiliated home-care agency, said you know how most older people die? Falls. So she anticipated mom having a fall, possibly breaking something, winding up in the hospital and/or rehab and then once home having home care that would intervene and she would then get bathing. Ha.
Over the past summer I signed on for a caregiver support program. People in my support group thought while mom would reject family assistance, she would accept it from professional/outsider types. They were inept and unambitious in spite of one working at a nursing home and one being a retired nurse. We got one of the nicest bath stools, a brand new terry robe to wrap herself up in, hand held...but they never even were close to the bathroom.
There is oddly and amazingly no overwhelming odor. For the most part she seems continent although I have once in a while come upon soiled bedding or a housecoat.
The biggest lesson I have learned is to let it go. I spent so much time fixated on doing good, fixing the problem etc...and to what end? I just take it like they say, one day at a time. I figure if my dad can still stand to sleep with her, fine. (they've been married 70+ years now!) We have a rather antagonistic relationship...so although initially I was coming home from work early to get her to a hair appt (primarily so it could be washed every two weeks because that's as much of the hassle I could stand with her), she became so uncooperative, slow, nasty, that I let dad take her. She "thinks" they are just going out to lunch on Saturday as usual...but they will hit the hair salon before or after. There is a person who does nails in the room next to her hair guy for which I am SO grateful...and once a month she charges about $18 with tip just to file and clean them. And then the toenails...oy....but we have a podiatrist who has "walk-in" days and I just let dad know when, and again it's the going out to lunch routine and he just gets her there and it happens. Like I said, I take it one day at a time...but it is not worth stressing over. I do worry about losing dad and how things will go down if that happens...but for now, it's working.
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When my mom was in NH they referred to the shower room as 'the spa' - sometimes the phrasing can create a different aura - just as one person's 'bribe' is another's 'reward' but the kid still gets his cookie

Try using different words so that it changes how the actual bath is perceived - do a quick makeover of the bathroom like different coloured towels, music, even find a different coloured light bulb so that the ambience is different - then call it the 'blue spa' if you use blue or whatever just so she thinks it is special - probably less work that all that arguing is

I once heard that the best place for a child to eat ice cream is in the tub so offer a favourite treat so that this becomes connected & if giving her a [plastic] bowl of ice cream in the tub several days a week then why not? - whatever floats her boat as they say

Also a treat I sometimes give myself is to squeeze all the air out of a bottle of body lotion then place it in the sink full of hot water so when it goes on it is gently warmed .... try it you'll like it too & no extra cost

By the way a bath every day is not necessary so try for once or twice a week & by saying it is a treat so she can't have it every day [maybe she will do it more often to spite you]
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I didn’t read all the answers but I suggest a heated towel rack and a space heater for the bathroom. Keep her warm and she may enjoy a nice wash up. Also the clothes can be fresh out of the dryer for comfort as well. It’s cold and only feels colder after a shower. Consider her comfort.
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Use a third party. The elder's mind has tricked them into thinking that YOU, the carer know zero, which of course if not true. If she doesn't cooperate, she may have to opt for facility living.
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Don't ask if she wants to bathe or have a conversation about it. Get a space heater or wall plug in heater and get bathroom warmed up with door closed. Once it's ready, call her in there to take a bath. If she says she already did it, just tell her to come on to get a better one with some help. She may feel a little awkward with the home care helper, so you could be there same day as helper and get her moving in direction of the bathroom. Once inside and bath ready, then turn over the duty to the helper and see how that goes.
As soon as water goes off, drape large towel over shoulders and maybe another over the legs. Older people are colder w/clothes on, so a wet body would really make them chilled. It may be that she avoids the bath due to the coldness. I use the towels. I also pull out a hair dryer and blow the skin to dry my mom. The heat helps with the not so favorable cold air. I mousse and blow out hair at same time. By the time I open the door, she is completely dry and hair is done.
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Karencd Nov 2019
Very very helpful. Thank you 2Cents.
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Call Adult Protective Services! Never try to convince a person with dementia of anything--- you are better off handling it through a third party---
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ShellDawn Nov 2019
We have had several family members with dementia and each was somewhat different than the other but the thing that I think was so important is for them to be with family.
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I used to tell my mom she was starting to smell funny and we didn't want anyone to smell her. I'd put the little heater in the bathroom and get the room good and warm for her and then take her in. We didn't do a shower but a couple of times a month as she did wash up many days by herself.
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Start small....maybe a pedicure. Slowly, you can earn her confidence. Get her a short terry bathrobe so that she can maintain modesty. Try just washing her legs and feet and call it a day. Another day may just be her arms and back. Also, a small space heater for the bath may help. And for heavens sake, don't leave out bribery. It's worth trying. Try to figure out what she loves....if it's bath day, it's ice cream sundae day:) Last, sponge bathing can do a pretty good job, plus pericare with a squirt water bottle can maintain cleanliness each time she uses the toilet. Placement in a facility doesn't necessarily improve this situation. You actually have more control in the home.
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I agree with a home aid. However, good luck with that. My step mom has been in assisted living for 3 years and has yet to shower. She washes from the sink. However, it really isn't enough.
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Some of the resistance to showering might be b/c "wet=cold" esp as a person gets older and more frail. Pre-heat the bathroom, get the water the right temperature and run it briefly to add to the warmth and to make sure it is the right temperature coming out of the shower head! When everything is warm and cozy, being wet in the shower is much more comfortable. (I offer this as one who has to pre-heat the bathroom for her own shower! I vehemently dislike the cold!)

Your MIL may be able to shower less often than every day, but can spot wash the "critical areas" in between. Soap and water on a washcloth will do. Personal cleansing cloths are nice to use on larger areas on non-shower days. They are soothing and smell good.

Every few days, though, it is important to shower or wash all over to rinse away bacteria, dead skin, etc!

She still may never do the showering/washing on her own, but you have already said she resists having help from you or an aide. It may come to where she does not have a choice. It's not a request anymore; it is going to be done.
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I have been taking care of my own MIL for 10 years now, and I know how the DIL/MIL relationship can be challenging. I remember hearing, "People joke all the time about son-in-law and mother-in-law, but no one jokes about mother-in-law/daughter-in-law because it's not funny." I felt the hurtful truth of that many times in the past 36 years, but now that I'm her caregiver, our relationship has never been better. Treat her gently and respectively but also matter-of-factly. Find out what it is about the shower that worries her. (This is very common, and you are definitely not alone.) We have a shower chair and wand too, but this is not "old memory" equipment, and she's going to need help with it even though she may have been fine with it a few months ago. Make it warm and comfortable in the bathroom. Put a cloth on the bench and get the water to the right temp. Do you have slip guards on the shower floor? If she'll let you help her, start by saying you'll help her wash her hair. Just reach in behind her (cover her with a towel for modesty) and talk about family or whatever will take her mind off what's happening. Again, just make it very matter-of-fact. Decide with MIL which 2 days of the week she will be showering and stick with it. If she only needs to wash her hair once a week, give her a shower cap on the off day. I usually let MIL stay in the warm shower and finish up while I change her bed. Now that we've scheduled it, I don't get any flack.
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Yep, a bath aide is what you need. I'm sure MIL is probably also a little embarrassed to have a family member she her body parts so a professional is the way to go. God Bless
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My MIL and hubby decided no more showers. With Hubby, I preheat towels in the dryer and grab them for him when he is getting out.
I have to help him shower too and it is a once a week .... grave, brave, begging, cajoling, offering treats...ordeal.
It is exhausting for him.

With MIL, after months and months, the home care gal told her it was to the nursing home or shower.
In truth, MIL had it in her head that she had just taken one...when she had not had one in months.

She was so sure she had just had one. But it took literally months of effort. Now she is in a home and looks forward to her showers that she is rolled into.

It is a huge struggle.
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When I was a child my mother would make me take a bath after playing outside. If I refused or said "I don't want to", her response to me was "I just put clean sheets on your bed and you can't put a dirty body in a clean bed". So, I took a bath and all was well.
Many years later when she gave me problems about bathing, I remembered how she got me in the tub and used this tactic on her. When I would show up after work to assist her with bathing, clean sheets would be put on her bed and laundry gathered to begin after her bath. Then I would look at her and say "ready to take that bath?" to which she would reply "I don't need a bath, I washed up already". I would then explain that I just put some fresh clean sheets on her bed and that she now had to take a bath BECAUSE "you can' put a dirty body in a clean bed". The first time I used that line, she said to me, "whoever told you that?" and when I said "you did, aren't you going to practice what you preached to me growing up?" She would get a disgusted look on her face and then say "OK, lets get this over with". Afterwards while drying her hair she would comment on how much better she felt and then take credit for living by her own words.
Long story short, I used her own psychology on her and it worked. Thanks Mom!
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Debrajoy Nov 2019
HAHAHA...great story! Loved reading it.
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When my mother stopped showering on her own, I moved her into the bigger bathroom with tub and shower set-up and tried to get her to shower there. She screamed about the water pressure and the cold. So she ended up sitting in the tub washing herself while I washed her back. Getting her up was tough, but rinsing off was easy; I filled a big plastic bowl with warm water, and poured it where I needed to. The next time she stood, and the time after that we had a bath seat for her. Give her a washcloth and have her help. It took maybe 10 minutes.
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RedVanAnnie Nov 2019
Good idea to have M or MIL help do the washing.
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MIL and FIL opted for spot ge baths for a couple of years. Afree FIL passed MIL moved to dementia care home with a walk in shower and now has showers. I was told thT a lot of people with dementia don't like the showering process. They baths or sponge baths. Also MIL used to resist being washed so I told her it would lead to disease and could cause death and her doctor insists. That worked.
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Hmmm...from one of your previous posts: "My husband whose mother we are caring for, rides a bike, attends yoga, goes running, always while I am at home with his mother." You also wrote that your bp has gone up since your MIL has come to live with you.

Are YOU MIL's primary caregiver? If so, then how do you feel about it? There's more to her care than the bathing issue, right?
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Have you tried to use No-Rinse Foaming Cleanser? AloeVesta makes a good one. You could be giving her a "massage" but really cleaning her up at the same time.

We all like to be hugged - use your imagination and take it one day and one step at a time. Start with her arms, legs and/or back - do whatever she will allow. Be extremely gentle as her skin is most likely thin and sensitive.
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Debrajoy Nov 2019
Excellent idea and I will look into the AloeVesta for myself as well. So Thanks!
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So many good answers and information here. Please do remember that older people are genuinely cold. I gave my MIL both long and short sleeve undershirts long before she needed daily assistance. She was grateful for them and wore them every day. People with ALZ are frequently afraid of things we don't give a thought to. My MIL was afraid of bath water, rain water, sunshine and many other things. You are dealing with your MIL. Your husband needs to get involved and not ask, but tell her firmly as with children: "Yes, mother, you will bathe at least twice a week or move out or go to a NH (or whatever)", although she probably will not remember that. He may need to tell her every bath day. When we hired a tech to bathe my MIL she would make every excuse possible ("It's raining; my allergies are acting up; I just had my flu shot", etc.). We finally gave the techs the magic words: "(insert her son's name) says you have too." She complied. It's not a discussion or choice; it's necessity. MIL continued to have her hair washed and set once a week without problem. Thankfully she could still read. We placed a large print sign in her bathroom "Mama, change your panties every day" with husband's signature. One clean set of clean clothing with all garments on one hanger was hung in her closet every other day and dirty clothing was removed when she was out of her apt./room so she could not put them back on. It worked for us. Hope you find some key elements in all of our experiences that will work for you too. Good luck.
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My mom has the same problem with my dad and he only showers twice a week. One day I said to him, “It would make mom really happy if you took your shower, even though you just had one yesterday.” (He hadn’t had one the day before, I was just avoiding that argument)
I hadn’t seen him move that fast in a long time. He went right off and took his shower. I think, that inside some of these people, there still resides an eagerness to please. Decide who you feel your MIL is most responsive to or seems to favor and use that person’s name;
“John would be so happy if you took your shower...”
After this worked for my dad, my mom tried it on him herself and told him how happy she would be if he showered. He told her he was too sore from yesterday’s shower to make her happy. Mom and I had a giggle over that later on. It doesn’t always work but on a good day it does.
Best of luck.
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I bath my mother every day, I put the bathroom heater on so it is nice and warm one hour prior to showing, I bought a comfortable pivot cushion type shower chair, stays warm and is comfortable and sturdy. The chair turns with a few clicks into her walk-in shower with her on it, you can use it in a tub too, I give her a face cloth to cover her eyes and face, I then proceed to shower. Once her upper body is washed I place a warm towel around her back and front and towel dry her hair, and dress her in her warm bathroom and off to breakfast. It takes about 10 minutes. She sometimes tells me she already showered, but I tell her she needs to shower so off we go. I clean her private area while she is in bed now because it is difficult for her to stand while I clean her in the shower, and I get her much cleaner. I also at times when she is on IV antibiotics I sponge bath her and wash her hair in bed or on the commode next to her bed. I do insist on my mom showering every day and will not accept no for an answer. I have on occasion told her, if I am to continue taking care of her she needs to shower. That pretty much solves the problem. I do have to say this is a rare occurrence, though. I also sing to mom while showering, which makes it enjoyable for her. I then bundle her up with a warm blanket prior to breakfast, put her lipstick and rouge on her, she is happy, content and ready to start a new day.
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