How do I come to terms with a sister who won’t help with my mom?

Your Sister couldn't care for your Mom in her home. That is her choice and she has a right to make it.
The problem I see is that now Mom is in YOUR home.
It is time for Mom to have placement now. You will visit her when you are able and be supportive in other ways than sacrificing your home life and your family to Mom's needs.
You and your Sister have a ground upon which to meet. Neither of you feels up to caring for Mom in home. I am not judging you as I have fully known from day one that I could NEVER care for a loved one in home. And I was a nurse. I loved my job, but doing it without pay, 24/7? That would break ANYONE.
You and your Sister need to sit with Mom now, discuss her assets and her needs, and plan the way forward for the three of you. There is no one to blame here.

It's hard to let go b/c you feel betrayed by your sister who's now ignoring you completely and not acknowledging the fact that you are struggling. When you yourself took mom in when SHE was struggling. So you bent over backwards for her, and now she's ignoring you. Of course you feel angry, why wouldn't you?

The fact is, neither one of you are capable of caring for mom alone at home. It's time to place her in Memory Care Assisted Living now and take your life back, both of you. Maybe then you can sit down with your sister and hash out your feelings. I'm sure your sister feels embarrassed and/or guilty that she was unable to deal with mom, as you may be feeling yourself, which is unjustified, but REAL nonetheless. Like Alva said, this can be the common ground you can both come together on now: that feeling of helplessness and guilt that you're unable to care for mom anymore, that it's just beyond your scope of ability. You can reach out to HER to let her know it's time to have the talk about placement for mom, and then both of you can hash it out together. There is NO shame in such an admittance. I had my own mother in Memory Care for nearly 3 years b/c I could not deal with her level of needs in my home, no way. She was cared for beautifully in MC and I got to be the daughter and go visit her there quite often

As far as giving you 'advice' on letting go of your resentment towards your sister goes, I don't know. Maybe once you BOTH admit you can't do this with mom anymore, then you can feel better about everything AND about one another. Admitting defeat brings people closer together sometimes.

Best of luck to you.

Your sister learned what an impossibly hard job it was, can’t you imagine how sad and defeated she must feel? And she likely thinks all she will get is harsh judgment for backing out of the arrangement. She’s practicing self preservation and self care. If your mother were healthy and whole she wouldn’t want this life for either of you. I hope you’ll look at this differently, reach out to your sister, and find a new plan that doesn’t involve sacrificing either of your well being

The reason it's so hard to let go is this: You've been snookered by your sister and it's difficult to believe that someone you loved and trusted your entire life has, in fact, lied to you. And the lie isn't a small one. She asked for help, which you willingly gave to her, but now she has reneged on her end of the bargain. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to repair broken trust. It's left for you to mourn that relationship right now. (It may also be that your sister's significant other has really put the pressure on her and she's submitting [hate that word] to that pressure.) Maybe in the future you can revisit your relationship with her, but that will take a bit of doing.

IDK if you are not ready to place your mom in a care facility, are there any midway helps you can seek, such as an aid, part time so that you can enjoy your family and not bear the brunt of all the care?

This is just a guess, but perhaps it might help. Your sister did her best, until she told you that “it was causing problems in her marriage”. After mother moved to your home, sister took her for alternate weekends for a while (how long?), and then said she couldn’t do it any more.

The guess is that your sister’s marriage was deteriorating, and the weekends made it worse. When sister finished them, your response (understandably) was along the lines of ‘no, no, we have to be in this together’. Sister couldn’t handle this (also understandably) and was not willing to share her own personal marriage problems. She went ‘no contact’ because she can’t cope with both issues at once. She is looking at it from just her own point of view, and so are you.

At this point, perhaps forget that you have a sister who once helped. Many people don’t have a sibling at all. Work out how to cope with mother in your own life. Wait a while, and then hope to have a sister again, not a co-carer. You may also need to find a way to have a mother again, not a live-in dependent to care for.

I am now a solo caregiver having lost my husband last year. My sibling doesn't help in any way - not even to make calls to our mom on holidays. It is all on me, and I am tired.

But, I also know I have to meet my brother where he is. I would rather have him out of the picture entirely than to have him criticizing, meddling, and honestly, making things worse.

I am lucky that my mom has financial security and I can make decisions to hire help as I need it - and I know I will need it. This is a job that doesn't get easier. Expending your emotional energy focused on a sibling just isn't serving you.

Focus on your mom, your husband, and your children. There are plenty of resources and plans you need now - or will need soon - which may help you take your mind off of your sister.

I suspect that as you create the proper plan of care to meet everyone's needs, you will focus less on what your sister is NOT doing and focus more on what all YOU ARE doing. I suspect that balance isn't aligned, yet. Work to get things working for you. There just isn't the extra time or energy to let someone suck it from you in what they haven't done.

I wish you the best.

You said "I’m left to assume that she no longer cares to have a relationship with my mother or my family" and that's a really big assumption. You may currently be feeling trapped and therefor you really think your choices are do the caregiving or give up your family, but that's simply not the case. You've said yourself that you can put your mom in a home, would you consider that the same as ending your relationship with your mom?

If you truly want to reconnect with your sister you will have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Assume she's not in contact because she feels like crap rather than assuming she doesn't want anything to do with you or your mom. Maybe a call or email where you acknowledge, without judgement, that she gave as much as she felt she could. She did! Three months is a long time sometimes. Tell her you're not calling to ask her to do anything but simply because you want to thank her for those three months and you miss her. See what happens.

Your sister may or may not have been honest with you about moving mom to your home. She may feel embarrassed and stressed about the situation she has created. Since it appears you don't want mom living with you either, start researching other living situations for your mom. Ask sister to help you with evaluating different places. It might bring you together having a common shared goal.

You basically have 2 choices with your sister. You can be mad and ignore her and just be done with her.

Or you can recognize that she was probably overwhelmed and probably feeling badly for not being able to do it. Which I'm sure you can understand on some level.

Do you want to continue caring for your mom? Or are you thinking about placing her somewhere? Or at least getting some aides? If you are going to make a change, do you want to include your sister in the decision or just inform her afterwards?

I'm thinking that you give her a 2nd chance when the dust settles. But I'd not blame you for cutting her off.

Your sister figured out that she does not want to be a caregiver. She may be embarrassed and there is a huge amount of guilt associated with that. Her not contacting you or your mom is because she feels guilty. Her marriage may have been in trouble before taking your mom in and now the marriage may be in a critical state. Now that you have your mom full time, you are now experiencing how hard it is as well. If you have young children at home, you've already got your hands full too. It sounds as though you ladies may need to place your mom. I would pay a visit to your sister and have a heart to heart and tell her you understand why she can no longer take care of your mom, but there is no point in cutting everyone out of her life. Ask for her assistance placing mom so that the two of you can go back to being daughters and sisters and not full time caregivers.

It's time for your mother to be placed in managed care. When dementia progresses to the point where a person cannot be left alone even for short periods of time, they belong in a memory care facility unless they can afford to have round-the-clock, 24-hour caregivers at home. Really, this kind of caregiving only works if the elder lives alone or maybe with a spouse. Not when there's a married couples and kids involved. She needs to be placed now.
Your sister did the best she could with the caregiving and so did you. Neither of you wants to do it. Being honest about it like the two of you is a positive thing. It means that you can rationally decide where your mother is going to go without putting yourselves in denial to avoid feeling guilty about it.
Don't be angry at your sister. She reached the end of her rope. Your mom's dementia ruined their relationship. Don't let it ruin the one with you and your sister.

It’s disappointing to see this behavior in our sibling. We thought we’d be there for each other when our mom needed help in this final stage of her life. But life changes; life throws us an unexpected loop. What can you do? I just pray that someday, my sibling will have a change of heart. But this isn’t a perfect world. She may change or she may remain distant. I keep pushing ahead, doing my best for my mom, regardless. In due time, my sister will have to live with her decision.

I have the exact same thing 2 sisters, one 20 min away, the other in AZ.
Neither helps at all for years now.
My closest sister ALWAYS has an excuse, she's sick, she had to work, she doesn't want to get Dad sick, she doesn't want to get sick herself, the dog ate her homework....you name it I've heard them ALL.
My other sister in AZ criticizes me any chance she gets but when she does visit she does an obligatory 1 hr visit, then spends ALL the other time at her in-laws.
To be honest, I don't want either one around my Dad now.
I stay quiet if they are here.
My Mom always taught us to get along so I've tried very hard to hold the family together but now I'm done & I'm very much ok with that, they have hurt me too many times to be repaired & the fact that they don't call except maybe once every 3 months to speak to my Dad & visit him once maybe up to 3 times a year if that.
Neither would know my Dad's issues he needs help with, his medication nothing
I love my Dad too much to leave him alone eith either of them!!
They have pushed me into hating them, which sounds harsh but it's the truth
I host Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving etc & act cordial, but after my Dad passes away, I am walking away from them.
I don't need or want them in my life.
My Dad & I don't deserve to be treated the way we have been with them.
My closest sister has taken two 10 day cruises, my other took her entire family to Mexico for 2 weeks plus several weekend trips
Me, I am married, have not lived with my husband for almost 4 yrs now, we 3, have dinner together most nights then he goes to our house.
I am a 24-7-365 days a year care giver, also work a 40hr job, there are no words "day off" "break" "vacation" or "sick" in my vocabulary.
I have actually had to grab the closest trash can to get sick in, then get my Dad out of his chair to get him sitting on toilet then drag my butt back to clean up my issue then go back to him.
No one cares I don't feel good, have had to deal with kidney stones & fractured foot & still be the soul care taker for my Dad.
THAT kind of family I do not need or want!!!!
Walk away, it's easier than you think!!

Sorry your mom has dementia. Commingled lives can be difficult even when the elder is easy going and capable. I see options:

1. She refuses to communicate. She lied about helping and really doesn’t care about you (never mind mom). If true, expect nothing. You decide if that’s who you want in your life.

2. You didn’t listen when she said she can’t cope with mom, so she said what you wanted to hear at the time (sure, I’ll help) and then backed out. You pushed with emails and calls so she cut off communication. If true, then step back, accept this is a faulty expectation on your part and don’t blame your sister.

3. There’s something else going on with your sister. She’s not emotionally as capable as you. She’s fighting other battles. She talks the talk but can’t walk the walk. If true, lower your expectations. You can’t get blood from a stone - and at least she’s not trying to micromanage you or give you advice while doing nothing.

4. Any combination of the above.

Good luck. It’s amazing how family will allow one member to be crushed under the weight of caregiving.

My brother (million dollar house) refused to help me (renting an apartment) with our brother who had brain cancer. I lived 1500 miles away so there were a lot of travel expenses—six trips in all, not to mention other expenses for him. I was in a rage. It scared my friends. Finding emotional support made a difference. I had several friends I could vent to—not excessively so I didn’t wear out my welcome—who understood me. I also had a therapist. There was no point in contacting him. It took time of not contacting him with any information about our brother who I placed in a skilled nursing facility and hospice. He has since become rather solicitous towards me.

Your sister has left you in charge of your mom’s care and you are experiencing what she did. She chose not to sacrifice her home life or sanity but in essence you are doing just that now. She may have evaporated because she feels guilty dumping it on on you and the farther away from you the more relieved she feels. It’s hard (impossible?) to forgive some when you’re really hurt and angry, and don’t feel bad because you are not forgiving right now. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, so don’t worry about forgiveness right now. It’s always easier for others to talk about forgiveness when they’re not in your shoes. Work towards acceptance for now and know it most likely won’t be instantaneous. Over time I came to accept my brother’s actions. I didn’t want to waste my energy on my anger or him, but rather I chose to focus on our brother’s well being. After our brother passed I went to stay with him during a visit for my nephew’s graduation. I decided I wanted a new chapter in our relationship. We are the remaining two in our family. That’s when I realized I had forgiven him. I didn’t force it. I still feel like his behavior was terrible but the sting is gone and I didn’t want to rehash my anger with him. It took about a year for me to reach that point after the original offense. Believe me, I had plenty of rage for two months so it’s been nice to experience healing.

Focus your attention on the big picture for you, your family and your mom’s care. I found an awesome nursing facility by looking at the ratings of nursing homes on the Medicare website. Doing your research and finding the best place for her is an act of love. Don’t let others guilt trip you about placing your mom in a facility. The staff at my brother’s facility loved him and it showed. They had a five star rating for the care of residents and four for overall. If needed consult an elder law attorney to see how her finances square up with her care. Caregiving is extremely difficult and hard on you and your family.

What you are doing is to be commended and I speak from experience doing the same thing here. Check into some places that will take mom for a week periodically so you and family get respite. This does help and mom may enjoy the break too. You nor your family cannot agonize and be angry over your sister. You may not know the whole truth that is going on with her husband. Yes she should do a lot things herself differently but you have made mom comfortable and safe when she is so vulnerable and scared. She will have to live with herself and d as o do you. Do find out what programs are available from a social worker at doctors and do it. You won’t be sorry. Good luck and stay strong.

Sis would probably agree to mom going to a home, but with you the sole caregiver left, it’s up to you and you alone to move mom in that direction.

Start looking for MC facility that will be appropriate for her level of care.
You can not expect her to change so you look for alternatives that will work for you. If you can no longer care for mom and sister is not willing or able to do so you do not have any other options.
It may not be that she does not WANT to have a relationship with mom is is that the mom you have now is not the one that she wants to have the relationship (such as it is) with. (did that make any sense?)
Some people can not accept the decline that a parent or loved one is going through. So it is easier to ignore or find excuses as to why they can't help, visit.
Change YOUR expectations and you will not be disappointed. Do what you need to do for yourself, your family.

You can't expect any help from your sister. She had been clear she couldn't cope and you made the decision to take her into your house. Yes you had helped but that doesn't mean she would. You can't change anyone, just your attitude toward them. Caregiving is incredibly hard and people have different tolerance level for the mental, physical and emotional stress it causes. Your sister could have reached her breaking point, it is easy to do.

I think the first thing you need to focus on is what level of care you can provide based on the current situation. Can you continue to provide care for your mother without it significantly impacting your mental, physical, emotional and financial health? What is the impact on your own family? If you can't balance it all, you need to find an alternative solution for your mother. If you sister is not communicating, you need to make the decision based on what is best for you while providing the care your mother needs.

Katieh75: Neither you or your sister should be caring for your mother in the home setting. She needs to reside in a managed care facility.

❤️❤️❤️ it is.
My heartfelt compassion goes out to you. and your family. What to do…cry….a lot. Then, eventually, come to terms that you have to face this problem. For giving yourself a break, Consider a caregiver (vet as much as possible, have them work in the home while you are there a couple of times-see if they are a good fit; get nanny cans and tell them you have them and check them-and do it, oh and lock away EVERYTHING you consider valuable or precious NO MATTER WHAT), consider an adult daycare.

write your Sister a had written a letter telling her how much you love her and you understand what she was going through. Tell her You guys will get through this. She must be feeling terrible and reassure her you both can get past this awful hiccup in your relationship. Be the first to forgive; it helps. Tell her of the plans that you’re making for your mother. Don’t ask for anything - just talk and move on. Love. Since she did help at one point, there’s a chance she will again, but it will be with eyes open, as you are learning too. No knows the toll it’s going to have on you/family before you do it. ( I think it’s the hardest job in the world! ) You’ll need her emotional support, if nothing else, and now that she understands how hard the job is she’ll be a good support. Then, in their own way they’ll probably find a way to help. don’t let this tear family apart. Hugs.

If your sister is still married to the same person, it might be him who is refusing to help and insisting that your sister cut off all contact. Your sister might be trapped in an abusive or exploitive marriage. You already know that she threw in the towel because caring for your mother was causing problems in her marriage. Did it matter to her then that it might cause problems in your family as well?

I would wonder what’s going on if your sister isn’t usually mon-comminicative. If this is the case, keep trying to contact her.

Your sister does want to help with care giving and probably is avoiding contact with you to avoid being pressured or guilted about her decision. You summarize it quite nicely by saying you are struggling to let it go. Your best friend and your husband are not helping any by reinforcing your negative thoughts, but maybe you can work on reframing how you feel about your sister and the current situation. You are probably disappointed that your sister did not live up to her promise and you may be feeling taken advantage of, but that's how it is. As you say, you can move your mother to a facility if the care giving gets to be too much for you at home. Will your sister help with the cost of placement if your mother lacks resources? If you can truly get over your resentment of your sister, you may be able to re-connect.