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I'm 61 and I have to take care of my 84 year old mom, a stroke victim with dementia one day per week. I always have to change her diaper. she moans and wails loudly the whole time and she curls up making it almost impossible to roll her off the diaper. It's a horrible experience and when I finally manage to wrestle a new diaper on there I'm so nervous and upset. I feel like I never want to do it again and I dread so much going down there. But I have to go down there. My younger brother lives there and he's her primary caregiver, he needs a break. Any suggestions on how to change a diaper by yourself while the person is fighting you?

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My Dad always puts up a fight,even when he is covered in Poo and urine. He shoved a poo diaper in our caregivers face fwhile I was trying to restrain his other arm. His upper body strength is good although he cannot walk. He is calm afterwards. Any advice would be appreciated for us also. it is so hard to see what his life has become now,from such a vibrant charming man. Heartbreaking...We use Depends with the side tabs.
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My mom is also a stroke survivor. She has many fears of falling due to her injuries and left side neglect.
do you have a hospital bed with rails? If so I have mom roll onto her left side and let her right hand grab the bar (the bar is only up on the top part of the bed allowing her to still have her leg cross over and not hit the bottom bedrail).
I have placed pictures, signs with smiley faces or sayings for her to read or focus and look at while she is on her side. If she gets panicked or out of control I will say “hey what does that sign say or who is in that picture in front of you) and we also play and sing music. It’s as if we have to always be “on” to distract the brain from their fears. So having some simple things of comfort to her lined up where she will be facing is a good idea.
I have a slide sheet as well as incontinent pads (which help when your rolling over as you can use the pad to guide them into rolling over).
I use the tab depends (Walmart brand large). And just lay it beside her and roll up the tab and push it under her side so that when we roll back over flat I can grab it out the other side.
I also use something called a “Purewick”. It is an external female catheter. Which keeps her dry with less changing needed and protects her skin and protect her from constant changing (which for her is the hardest part of this - emotionally and mentally she disconnects during changing and becomes so fearful as well as combative, I believe out of the frustration and anger of not being able to “being able to do normal things” anymore.
the Purewick is expensive but has been well worth it for her mind as well as her protecting her body from moisture. It is made by Liberator Medical - you purchase a small side machine that is a vacuum that sits on the floor and then monthly you have to buy the “wicks”. Some people even just use them for overnight use to keep their lives one dry overnight.
We have used this product for over a year and it has been worth every penny. Hope this helps. Worth checking into :) best wishes
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Did you get it sorted out? I used to absolutely hate putting compression stockings on my uncooperative mother. I dreaded it. Going to her house, coaxing her out of bed to eat breakfast, toilet, feed the cat and then the stockings in time to load her in the car and take her to PT.

So I know the feeling. Keep your mind open to suggestions and techniques, you’ll figure what works and it will get better.
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Imho, place the diaper on the bed before (if possible) mom is on it.
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In addition to others comments, try putting pads under her before you change her. Even if she needs to stay on the pads awhile to relax, she will be covered. A little "air time" is actually good for her bottom.
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If your mom is in bed while you are trying to change her using a pull up type brief is going to be more difficult.
Is she on any medication to help with her anxiety? If so maybe make sure she has her medication prior to you having to change her. She will be a little more relaxed.
Talk to her and explain what you are doing.
Give her something to hold while you are changing her.
Maybe even a bit of a massage of her legs will help, after you are done removing one tab brief (I dislike the term "diaper" for an adult) and you are cleaning her and are applying a barrier cream a nice lotion for her legs might feel nice, it might relax her legs a bit.
If all that fails the one thing I learned while having to change my Husband is...it does not have to look pretty..as long as the goal is achieved that is all that matters. Make sure there is an absorbent pad under her and if the brief leaks that's not the end of the world.
The more you do this the less nervous you will be. I am sure she is picking up on your nervousness and that is making her uncomfortable.
Stress Less over this.
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You all are amazing . God bless you for all your helpful comments for her. Just have to pat yourself on the back for trying your best .
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Does she understand what's going on while you're changing her?
Maybe try talking to her while you do it. Or if her dementia is severe, try singing to her - a favorite song that she used to sing, even twinkle twinkle just to see how she responds. There are multiple studies on the power of music calming dementia/ Alzheimer's patients. (Waking the Spirit by Andrew Schulman is a great book on the subject) If you feel uncomfortable singing, maybe put a CD or stream some music that you know she likes. Music surpasses our mental capacities and talks to our soul. With dementia, depending on severity, she's referring back to infancy and it's so hard to see a parent get like that when you've known them at their best. I feel for you. Good luck.
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I use pullups with insert during the day. At night I find the ones with the tabs like a diaper and insert works best for my mom, but it sounds like you are using this type. We put her on her side and tuck the brief and then other side and tuck again then secure with tabs She does not want anyone waking her up in the middle of the night so she wiggles, kicks and holds her hands up, it was difficult with the pullups at night for us. This works for us very well, but everyone is different. It really is trial and error. We change and turn my mom every three hours during the night. Day time commode every two hours with about 3-4 changes in-between . The name brand is Prevail Nu-Fit Briefs with tabs for night time use, use a larger than normal size. My mom is about 118 lbs. and large is good for her. Depends during the day. Tip: If this method is ok with you, give her a hug, and cuddle with her for a few minutes, she should settle down and then try changing her. This works for us. Good luck.
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Can you stop by and watch your brother do it?
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One day a week? You just need more practice. I do it 3 times a day for my 88 year old wife with stage 6 vascular dementia. Definitely use the pull ups - a little larger than necessary and the strongest you can find (Certainty @Walgreens).
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Marie59 Jul 2020
There is medical grade personal protection out there too. Your health insurance will normally cover these things for the elderly.
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It doesn't say what kind of diapers you are using, but it's been my experience that the Depends brand(which are the pull up kind) are much easier to put on and take off. When taking off you just need to rip the sides down and remove,and then to put on you just put her feet through and pull them up. If you're not already using them, I would certainly give them a try as they should make your life much easier. Bets wishes.
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smpengwin Jun 2020
They have both kinds of diapers down there. I've been using the ones with the straps but I'll try using the pull ups. Thanks
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