How do I avoid the caregiver role?

smallbackpack, just read your 'how do I avoid the caregiver role?', I didn't want to avoid it but like you have health issues and knew my wife needed activities and socialization could not provide at home, even with home health care. Decided to try a Health Care Manager that is a member of Aging Life Care Association, www.aginglifecare.org. On the ALCA website is a orange bar at the top 'find an aging life care expert' where you can search members in your area. Might be another source to find the answers you need. Wishing you the best.

Wow you have a lot on your plate right now but you need to figure out where your grandmother can go live! I know you love your grandmother but you have to realize that your not healthy enough to take care of her. If your mother doesn't care to help than you must do something soon. I hope you make the right decision for you and your fiance. Good luck and do what is right for all of you!

I suggest a good elder care lawyer to help you out. You need to be cared for first due to your many physical illnesses. Even though you have a fiance, you are not legally married so he does not have any " skin in the game ". What happens to you if fiance moves on ? He has no legal obligation to you. Therefore, since you have property, you need to protect your money and yourself first. The lawyer can also advise you to find a legal guardian for your grandmother as you are not able to do this job. The guardian can be appointed by the court. Then the guardian can make decisions for your grandmother. Such as how she is to be cared for. I also suggest you have a plan for your future care as you have many illnesses and you dont know what the future may bring to you. It is best to now have a plan and person set up so that when the time comes your wishes are followed through.

Talk to your mom again. Contact local social services for seniors.

I'm a 24/7 caregiver. You need to get your grandmother out of your house. Either to your mother or a seperate apartmentt or a LTC facility.Try to get a POA. One of the best investments I made as a caregiver was to have a one hour consultation with an Elder Care Attorney. The suggestion came from my own attorney. The result of the one hour was one of the best decisions I made regarding LTC. You need to protect your strength and sanity.

Caregiving is an extremely tough job and not everyone wants to do it nor is cut out to and that's OK! That's why there are many professionals and facilities out there- just for that.
I'll give you a personal example to drive this home- two of our family members had 10 children. When the time came for them to need care, they went into a multi needs assisted living facility- not any of their children's homes.
It's not fair to someone to be thrust into the caregiver role when they cannot nor do not want to do it. In the case of an elder who has lived their life, they are now taking the life out of their caregiver if that caregiver does not want to be in that role!
I completely understand how your grandmother now feels it is "her" house so she can take over. I am going through some of this with my mom (you can see my "rules" I made up, which have worked to some degree :). She sees herself as being in charge due to being the grandmother.
Is there some way you and your mom can get together to come up with a plan for either home health aides or placement?

I take care of my 86 year old mother who has dementia and Parkinson’s. I just turned 60 and I have a lot of health problems too. I’m on disability due to having 2 back surgeries and 1 neck surgery. I’ve have chronic back pain with 3 bulging discs in my back and 2 in my neck. I understand exactly how you feel. It’s hard taking care of someone when you’re in a lot of pain. Your mother should be the one taking care of your grandmother, not you. Prayers for you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️

Your mother needs to help you move your grandmother to other accommodations.  You and your husband need a life together alone and not in the caregiving role for your grandmother.  You are going to have to be clear and concise with your mother and grandmother.  It is kind of dirty pool that your mom thinks it's ok to leave you with the responsibility of her mother.  Just tell them both how it is...you have your own health issues and are in no position to be caregiver to your grandmother.  Let's put our heads together to get grandma the assistance she needs.

Why are you taking on this responsibility to care for your grandmother?
More than taking her as a responsibility, you are saying "thank you for abusing me" (emotionally, psychologically) by putting up with it.

Why do you accept this behavior? Really.
Sit down:
(1) with yourself and write in a journal and ask yourself "what is running me?" Why am I taking on this role?
(2) discuss with your fiance reasons why you allow her to dis-empower you. You need to find you inside you and take back your God/dess given personal power (develop self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, boundaries, realizing you deserve all this).
AND . . . BY THE WAY, where is YOUR mother? It's her mother, why isn't she taking on this responsibility. Too busy with her boyfriend?
* STOP. This is a family matter, not a burden on a granddaughter.
* Once you get clear with your needs with yourself, you will have more / the strength to do what you need to do - yes, it may be hard as you are used to allowing her (and others?) to treat you this way; expect it to bring out lots of emotions (and emotional pain) inside you.

You need to:
(1) facilitate her moving
(2) Talk to her directly about options;
(3) Do NOT allowing her to blow you over like a steamroller.

* "IF" moving her out is not an option, you need to:
- Get caregiver help. You pay, she pays, your mom pays.
- You need your space.

* Best scenario - start loving yourself and look for options.

* I send you healing thoughts and ask that you pray to whatever or whoever to gain the strength to take the steps you need to take. Do NOT allow anyone to abuse you/r good will, and vulnerability. I asked God or some spiritual entity to give me the Serenity ... Read the serenity prayer. It will help you if you really process/consider it thoughtfully. Gena.

Does she have a POA? for healthcare? finances?
The only way (from my perspective) that you are 'forced into' this role is by you thinking this is true. You have to make other arrangements for her to live elsewhere.
- Start looking: whatever she can afford be it an apt., senior housing with varying levels of care, county/state financial assistance. Do your homework and be prepared.

smallbackpack: Imho, I feel for you. I really do. It is IMPERATIVE that you take care of the most important person, which is yourself as you're already an unwell individual. For whatever reason (boyfriend, you stated), your mother decided to move out. That, in no way, leaves you the obligation to care for HER mother. Suggest calling your local Council on Aging.

I thought I answered this but can't find it so here goes. First of all, YOU must put YOU first. You have physical and other problems and you cannot be forced to do something that is going to worsen YOUR conditions and situations. You must stand firm and make that known to everyone. There is NO room for negotiation - and have a doctor to back you up. And if your grandmother is making life difficult for you, then tell her to shut up or get out - do NOT allow it and do NOT tolerate it. Obviously your mother is NOT going to do anything to help you. Do YOU have a Power of Attorney so you have some clout. Try to get one. I would work, in conjunction with services for the elderly, that something has to be done to either get her a caretaker and relieve you or she has to be placed. In the meantime, and it will be hard, you simply have to be tough and say NO. You could see if there are other ways to transport her, etc. - not you. Good luck.

Before YOU are the one hurt due to damage to your health, call Adult Protective Services. My original answer was a short RUN...but this is not funny. I am the one living under my parents roof but feel I more than earn my keep (and pay for my own food) by being the IT girl...then after years of good health the end of last September the proverbial you know what hit the fan...I wound up rushed to the hospital and helicoptered to have emergency surgery for a dissected aorta which is typically fatal. Please don't follow in my footsteps. Regardless, there must be a Plan B considering if something god forbid did happen to you, who would look after grandma. You cannot possibly take this caregiving role on to the extent that is expected and if you don't mind my saying, shame on your mother. You have obviously more caring in your soul than she in hers. I am hopeful there are community resources in your area to help with the tasks you are concerned about being needed. Every area of our country is covered by an Area Agency on Aging and they should be able to aim you in the right direction. IF you google it, you should be able to zoom in on the local one. Help is out there, take advantage of it, and take comfort in knowing you have already done the best you can. Do not let this consume you. Only of late have I begun to put my foot down and let my elder father know I am NOT his darn maid, cleaner, laundress, chef, personal assistant, appt maker, or bookkeeper. ENOUGH!

Get connected with agencies or a social worker who you can discuss this situation with and who knows what services are available in your area to give you help and advice. Your duty is to make sure your grandmother is in a place where she can age safely and with dignity. You and your fiance don't have to be the full-time caregivers. Is she still mentally capable enough to have a realistic discussion about how she wants to age when she gets to the point where she cannot take care of herself, and your limited capabilities? Your mother should be in on this discussion if it is feasible. Is she financially able to hire aides to assist with the cleaning, take her to doctors appointments, bathing, etc.? If not, you have to discuss her moving to an assisted living facility. They are not all bad, and she would have everything taken care of for her. A sensitive part of the discussion is making sure that all of the paperwork is in order, with Powers of Attorney for medical and financial decisions, living will with her medical directives, a will if she has assets, etc. Financial companies usually have their own POA forms, and a POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare. Usually the POA would be your mother (her daughter). You may need an attorney for this.

There is an obligation to assist and it's the right thing to do, do what you can consult services. How would it have been if they left you to the side and you are correct your mother needs to step up to the plate and if her husband to be was doing the right thing would help out too as would your husband to be.

You all got time for a man...get priorities set. Family first. Your mother is the most wrong here. Grandma will likely leave her $ to the church which is good too. Grandma too needs to be considerate...it's a 3-way here but again, i find the fault with your mother. Prayers.

My heart breaks for you, smallbackpack. When I first read the title my reaction was as you predicted--ask my siblings! They seem to have mastered it. :) But reading your story provided a whole different context. I hope that you are able to follow the very good advice provided by other posters her. Keeping you in my prayers!

many good comments...I'll add a sort of a twist....If Grandma receives any mail at your house, go to post office and, with your POA, open a PO Box in her name and direct all mail to go to that PO..Reason, if a person receives mail at an address, then they must be evicted from that house - at least that is my understanding...

Caution: having her go to your mom's house for a few days and changing the locks on your home could backfire if your mom brings her back and leaves her on the front porch...Potential Solution: Find a place nearby to park your car(s) and thus make it appear that you and fiance are not home.

In addition, follow advice given to talk with social worker and get a lawyer to provide one free consult visit.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

You have a choice and do not have to be your grandmother's caregiver. Your mom bailed because she refuses to take care of grandma. This why she won't help you make other living arrangements because she rests easy knowing that her mom is being cared for and her part is done. She will not help you.
More often than not when an elder moves in certain bad behaviors start up which enables them to take over someone else's home. It's YOUR house not hers and don't forget it. Don't let grandma forget it either.
Because of your many health issues your doctor might be able to advise you on how to get your grandmother out of your house and what people you should talk to. If you have other family members who would be willing to take her in, speak to them too.
Then get together with your mom and tell her that grandma has to be out of your house within a month. It's very important that you stick to a timeline. Otherwise you will be stuck forever in the care situation. Your mom must be given the amount of time you specify to make arrangements for her mother. If she refuses to take any action, then you will have to. When the time you specify is up, pack up grandma's things then drop her off at mom and boyfriend's house. Or you will have to do what is known as an ER dump. That is bring your grandmother to the ER of your town's hospital and tell them she is in need of what is called a 'Social Admit' because you refuse to and are physically unable to care for her in your home. Grandma will be admitted to the hospital. Then a social worker will come and speak with you. The social worker will try to find other family willing to take her in and provide care for her. If they cannot find any they will keep her in the hospital until they find placement in a care facility.
Expect your mom and your grandmother to resist. They will likely think you're bluffing and won't take action and that everything will stay as it is because you're just angry. Don't let this happen.
Warn them and give them both a month to find a new place for grandma. If they refuse to then you have to do what must be done and drop her off at the ER.

In order to be a caregiver you have to want to do the job. Even when you want to do the job, it is very difficult emotionally, physically and mentally. The job gets increasingly harder as time goes on.

All the reasons in the world are secondary to the fact that you don’t want this for your life.

Help her find a new place to live.

if you choose to spend lots of time together, it won’t be forced.

Wow, you are getting a LOT of input, and varied at that; some of it is excellent advice. Darlin, it is not your responsibility to care for your grandmother. If you were the healthiest person alive, it still wouldn't be your mandated responsibility.
Not knowing the whole story or any of you... I cannot fairly form an opinion, and opinions are irrelevant anyway. However, knowing the dynamics of the elderly care world with all its thorns and legalities... I suggest you, your fiance, and grandma go to dinner at Mom's house, just a little visit... then while you and grandma visit with mom and boyfriend... fiance can unload grandma's suitcases (with clothing and personal items) and sit them on the front lawn, stoop, whatever. Then you and fiance simply walk out the door, get in your car, and drive away. You already changed your locks in advance and you left grandma in a 'safe' place. If mom gets angry... big deal. Onward...

To avoid being a caregiver, have no friends or relatives that you care about. If that is not something you think is a good idea ( and I don't), then learn to develop boundaries. It is not a bad thing to take care of yourself. You can only do so much, and that is true of all of us. Do what you can and be at peace with it.

You are wise to know that you cannot or will not be your grandmother's care taker. Have your grandmother's PCP help determine the level of care she needs and will need as time goes on and find a residential facility for her care. don't allow your mother and grandmother to guilt you into taking on more than you can or want to do.

Yes, they may be angry and upset. But you know what you can do, and that's the way it will have to be.

I love that you asked this question! It's not easy to come forward and admit you don't want to be the caregiver when family forces the issue on you. And a grandparent shouldn't be an unwanted burden on a grandchild anyway. Some people love caregiving or at least are "natural "caregivers and some of us just are not.

I am one who said "no way" was dad going to live with me and my siblings, aunts and cousins were appalled. I know I'm not patient and don't have the personality for it. It's not that I dont' move mountains to help in other ways. I'm the POA and completely take care of all the other stuff, including doctors appointments and finding assisted living and health care aids and buying him 'gadgets" and items to make his life easier. But I know I'm not cut out to live with him. We had him here for 9 months due to Covid but we finally placed him in assisted living this week. YAY! Now we can eat the way we want to (he only likes meat and potatoes), walk around in PJs (or less), leave to do errands together, etc. Please don't feel guilty... you will do what you can do for her but you need your life too.

Caregiving is very hard, stressful...and expensive, and it is something you cannot be forced into. Eventually you will have to do very back breaking work like change her diapers, bathe her, including deal with her bowel movements. You have to *want* to do caregiving; otherwise, the stress can lead to elder abuse.

If you cannot do it, then don't.

In my opinion--if your mom is forcing you to care for her mother so she could be with her boyfriend, that sounds like she is using and abusing you, and neglecting her responsibilities caring for her own mother. Call your local state's division of adult protective services and see what they say.

She is most likely going to have to go to a nursing home. If she is on Medicaid this is easy with a doctor's order. You are going to have to phone her doctor, and there is a lot of other legalities like power of attorney--again this is not something you can be forced into; if needed she can get a court appointed legal guardian.

If she ever gets hospitalized, even on the psych ward, or for anything else, refuse to take her back.

Here is an interesting link regarding eldercare resources; the bottom of this article contains the links of State agencies. Check it out! *Each link contains very very useful resources and information for your State*

https://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm

If your Grandmother is able to understand you, then talk to her and let her know you are no longer able to care for her and she will have to either live with her daughter or go to a Senior Home to live..

You and Fiance take her to look at a couple places to choose from.

#2 Ya'll pack up a suitcase and take Grandma to your mom's place and leave her there.

#3. You can also next trip to the Hospital when it's time to discharge her, let them know there isn't a safe place for your Grandma to live and you're no longer able to care for her and they need to find her a place to go to.

Mare sure you Do Not Check Her Out.

The Hospital will have to find a place for her.

Are you Grandma's POA?

I first off would speak to your PCP and your grandmother PCP about the situation. You know your limits and it seems they are being pressed to yours. Your grandmother is NOT your responsibility, it is your mother's job to care for her. It seems from your comment, you were hoodwinked by your mother as she took an escape route to live with boyfriend, well knowing the situation. Eviction will not work, but doctors can help you put life facts together and more than likely you are going to have to hire an attorney to help. Contact one that offers free 1st time consult. Have it be an elder care attorney, also make sure you tell all in that first meeting, this will help you move forward.
Best Wishes

I would make an excuse you need a break. Mom has to take her for a short period. A weekend or a few days. Say it is temporary.
After she takes her, change the locks immediately. If it is your house. That is your moms job, not yours. Be prepared for your mother & grandmother to go ballistic but too bad. Tell them you have been trying to discuss this issue and getting nowhere, because it's convenient for them, but you deserve a life too. And your tired of it. Then tell them to make other arrangements. Your not going to be abused in your own home any longer. I hope you own it, or your mother and grandmother will insist she live there. Are you poa? Who is?
Its time your mom stepped up. Your mom screwed you over on purpose. She wasted no time leaving for a bf. She didn't want to be there. Your mom isn't your friend. You have to stand up for yourself. It is going to get ugly because they will want you to stay in that role. Dont cave. Tell them you love them but can't any more. Good luck.

Hi there, I understand exactly what you’re going through. If she has no title or investment in the house, I would suggest she take a holiday off. Meaning send her to visit her sisters or call your Mom and have her go over there for a few days. Respite, you need it. Next discus your feelings with your family and your grandmother although she probably want remember the conversation. Your mental health is very important. Note: most elderly folks are opinionated, confusing, paranoid, sickly, sneaky and gossiping, but we love them anyway. Hope this helps.

Does your grandmother have other children besides your mother? Write all of them a letter with the info you have provided here and make sure they can all see that you have copied everyone on the letter/email. Tell them it is not working out and they need to take care of their mother.

If mom is only child, then talk to her about making other arrangements. You need to be a little firmer with mom. She left her own mother to move in with her boyfriend - why can't she come and get her mom and share HER home? If you don't think that will work, then ask mom if she will take mom for a week or two to give you a break. Maybe you can get g'ma over there and then take her belongings sometime after that. Or, tell mom she needs to get her rear end over to your house on a regular schedule to take care of her own mother - no excuses. Tell mom to be there at specific time because you are leaving and don't want g'ma there alone for long. Leave the house (even if you just go around the corner to see if your mom arrives)

If none of this is going to get your mom's attention to a responsibility that belongs more to her than you - then call g'mas dr or write a letter to let him know that your mother abandoned g'ma with you and you cannot physically care for her any longer - give details of the care she needs. In the letter, ask him for an appointment to bring her in for evaluation to see if she is eligible for nursing home care. This way you don't have to have a big blow out with g'ma before the dr visit, dr will know why you're there, and you can find out if she could even be eligible to go to nursing home. If she has any money of her own, she may be able to pay for assisted living, memory care, or whatever her needs are. If she has very little money, she may already be eligible for Medicaid for the NH bed.

More questions than answers, I'm afraid.

The OP's profile says that the grandmother is 71. The grandmother's health issues and care needs aren't very clear: what are they?

How did grandmother and mother come to be living in the OP's house, and when did they move in?

It seems very clear that the OP is in no condition to be an older person's caregiver, and in any case doesn't want to be which settles the matter all by itself. But to get from point A (here) to point B (grandmother not living with or depending on the OP any more) we'd need to understand much more about what their situation is.

Somehow I don't think eviction is the answer here. If grandmother has this host of issues ("...kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion."), the court might not approve eviction, plus that can take a long long time, esp if/when the gov't is putting kibosh on evictions (different case, since this likely has nothing to do with non-payment of rent), but a judge could decline anyway, given her age and medical issues.

Even if the court approves it, and does it quickly (hah!), how and where would she find a place to go? Can she afford rent? Is her confusion and memory loss a sign of dementia? If she's been living with you, there's no property to sell to cover MC cost. Does she have any assets or just SS income?

I would start with doctors - yours and hers. Obviously the stress isn't doing you any good, so get your doc on board. Have a chat with her doc, and lay it out clearly that she has health issues that you can't take care of and she needs help. Make sure they understand your mother is next of kin, NOT you. While mom was living with you, she probably took care of her mother, but why didn't she take her along to the BFs place? Does she talk to you at all? Is she not willing to even help get paperwork in place to find her mother a place?

Calling APS may be useful, can't hurt, but from what I've read about them on this forum, I wouldn't hold my breath! The more people you can get on board, the more likely you can find a resolution. There does need to be a plan in place for her, which includes an appropriate place to live and the care she needs. Eviction isn't going to provide that.