I know how the title may sound, but I am not fit to be my grandmother's caregiver, yet I am slowly being forced into this role. A bit of background: My fiance and I own our house, and my mother and grandmother used to live with us. At the beginning of the pandemic, my mother moved out to live with her boyfriend, but my grandmother stayed with me. She has been widowed for years, before I was born even, and her sisters live far away. She has started having a lot of health problems like kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion.
I am not a healthy individual at all. I have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, I have OCD and memory issues, and I have a chronic feeling of nausea that makes me unable to work. I also have difficult hormonal issues which lead to things like hot flashes, infertility, and so on. Because of these issues, I cannot drive or cook a lot, and I must be in a clean environment.
She has started to claim that the house is "her house" so she gets to do things like have the heat up, cook using our food and not clean after, and so on. She berates me a lot, saying things like why don't I have children yet, or why am I here and not my mother when I don't do anything. I suffer a lot because of this, and if I make any argument I am the bad person and need to apologize as if I also do not have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. I have tried to talk with my mother about finding her a care facility, but she refuses to intervene. I love my grandmother and I don't blame her for her health issues and how she acts now because of them, but I physically and mentally cannot be her caretaker and have no help in this. My fiance tries his best to help us both but I refuse to make him take care of someone else in addition to me, because at least he agreed to help me beforehand. Is there any advice for what to do before I am fully forced into this caretaker role doing things like helping her bathe or driving her to doctors when I am not allowed to drive and so on? Thank you
More than taking her as a responsibility, you are saying "thank you for abusing me" (emotionally, psychologically) by putting up with it.
Why do you accept this behavior? Really.
Sit down:
(1) with yourself and write in a journal and ask yourself "what is running me?" Why am I taking on this role?
(2) discuss with your fiance reasons why you allow her to dis-empower you. You need to find you inside you and take back your God/dess given personal power (develop self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, boundaries, realizing you deserve all this).
AND . . . BY THE WAY, where is YOUR mother? It's her mother, why isn't she taking on this responsibility. Too busy with her boyfriend?
* STOP. This is a family matter, not a burden on a granddaughter.
* Once you get clear with your needs with yourself, you will have more / the strength to do what you need to do - yes, it may be hard as you are used to allowing her (and others?) to treat you this way; expect it to bring out lots of emotions (and emotional pain) inside you.
You need to:
(1) facilitate her moving
(2) Talk to her directly about options;
(3) Do NOT allowing her to blow you over like a steamroller.
* "IF" moving her out is not an option, you need to:
- Get caregiver help. You pay, she pays, your mom pays.
- You need your space.
* Best scenario - start loving yourself and look for options.
* I send you healing thoughts and ask that you pray to whatever or whoever to gain the strength to take the steps you need to take. Do NOT allow anyone to abuse you/r good will, and vulnerability. I asked God or some spiritual entity to give me the Serenity ... Read the serenity prayer. It will help you if you really process/consider it thoughtfully. Gena.
Does she have a POA? for healthcare? finances?
The only way (from my perspective) that you are 'forced into' this role is by you thinking this is true. You have to make other arrangements for her to live elsewhere.
- Start looking: whatever she can afford be it an apt., senior housing with varying levels of care, county/state financial assistance. Do your homework and be prepared.
I'll give you a personal example to drive this home- two of our family members had 10 children. When the time came for them to need care, they went into a multi needs assisted living facility- not any of their children's homes.
It's not fair to someone to be thrust into the caregiver role when they cannot nor do not want to do it. In the case of an elder who has lived their life, they are now taking the life out of their caregiver if that caregiver does not want to be in that role!
I completely understand how your grandmother now feels it is "her" house so she can take over. I am going through some of this with my mom (you can see my "rules" I made up, which have worked to some degree :). She sees herself as being in charge due to being the grandmother.
Is there some way you and your mom can get together to come up with a plan for either home health aides or placement?