I know how the title may sound, but I am not fit to be my grandmother's caregiver, yet I am slowly being forced into this role. A bit of background: My fiance and I own our house, and my mother and grandmother used to live with us. At the beginning of the pandemic, my mother moved out to live with her boyfriend, but my grandmother stayed with me. She has been widowed for years, before I was born even, and her sisters live far away. She has started having a lot of health problems like kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion.
I am not a healthy individual at all. I have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, I have OCD and memory issues, and I have a chronic feeling of nausea that makes me unable to work. I also have difficult hormonal issues which lead to things like hot flashes, infertility, and so on. Because of these issues, I cannot drive or cook a lot, and I must be in a clean environment.
She has started to claim that the house is "her house" so she gets to do things like have the heat up, cook using our food and not clean after, and so on. She berates me a lot, saying things like why don't I have children yet, or why am I here and not my mother when I don't do anything. I suffer a lot because of this, and if I make any argument I am the bad person and need to apologize as if I also do not have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. I have tried to talk with my mother about finding her a care facility, but she refuses to intervene. I love my grandmother and I don't blame her for her health issues and how she acts now because of them, but I physically and mentally cannot be her caretaker and have no help in this. My fiance tries his best to help us both but I refuse to make him take care of someone else in addition to me, because at least he agreed to help me beforehand. Is there any advice for what to do before I am fully forced into this caretaker role doing things like helping her bathe or driving her to doctors when I am not allowed to drive and so on? Thank you