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I know how the title may sound, but I am not fit to be my grandmother's caregiver, yet I am slowly being forced into this role. A bit of background: My fiance and I own our house, and my mother and grandmother used to live with us. At the beginning of the pandemic, my mother moved out to live with her boyfriend, but my grandmother stayed with me. She has been widowed for years, before I was born even, and her sisters live far away. She has started having a lot of health problems like kidney disease, constant cold feeling, stomach problems, memory loss, and confusion.


I am not a healthy individual at all. I have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, I have OCD and memory issues, and I have a chronic feeling of nausea that makes me unable to work. I also have difficult hormonal issues which lead to things like hot flashes, infertility, and so on. Because of these issues, I cannot drive or cook a lot, and I must be in a clean environment.


She has started to claim that the house is "her house" so she gets to do things like have the heat up, cook using our food and not clean after, and so on. She berates me a lot, saying things like why don't I have children yet, or why am I here and not my mother when I don't do anything. I suffer a lot because of this, and if I make any argument I am the bad person and need to apologize as if I also do not have a lot of difficult issues to deal with. I have tried to talk with my mother about finding her a care facility, but she refuses to intervene. I love my grandmother and I don't blame her for her health issues and how she acts now because of them, but I physically and mentally cannot be her caretaker and have no help in this. My fiance tries his best to help us both but I refuse to make him take care of someone else in addition to me, because at least he agreed to help me beforehand. Is there any advice for what to do before I am fully forced into this caretaker role doing things like helping her bathe or driving her to doctors when I am not allowed to drive and so on? Thank you

Grandma is having health issues and Mom is not stepping up to the plate. Be honest with yourself. Your Mom knows you have health problems but she left grandma in your care so she could be with her boyfriend. You may need to play hardball. Tell Mom if she doesn't make arrangements for Grandma, you will be calling APS because you are not physically able to care for her and she is not your boyfriends responsibility.

If in the meantime Grandma lands in the hospital, refuse to take her back. Give them Moms phone number. If you end up in the hospital, tell them there is a vulnerable adult in your home who can't be left alone. Give the SW Moms number. If grandma becomes aggressive or hits you, call the police and tell them u fear for ur life and give them Moms phone number.

I would not allow Mom back into your house. She has shown her colors.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Your mother left knowing your grandma needed lots of help & left it to you. So, you have to call 911 & they will take her to hospital...say you’re unable to give her the care she needs & want her to be placed in a facility. Tell hospital you have your own health issues. & that discharge home would be an unsafe discharge. Good luck & hugs 🤗
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pamzimmrrt Mar 3, 2021
And make sure you give them your mom's contact information.. not yours! If they call you, refer them to "her daughter" and refuse to talk to them!
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You do not have to take care of your grandmother in your home. Nobody can force you to take on the job of care giving. Since your grandmother requires help beyond your abilities, it is time to talk about her moving to an assisted living facility (also called senior apartments). Talk to the administrative staff in facilities near you, They can let you know what the criteria is for your grandmother to be placed. Many places have social workers that can help you with getting your grandmother's legal paperwork together (Medicare, Medicaid...).
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Your mom went to live with her boyfriend. She didn’t take grandma with her. How sad 😞. I imagine that you aren’t thrilled with your mom’s behavior.

Grandma isn’t your responsibility. She isn’t pleasant and seems to be a thorn in your side.

Face it, she is interfering in your life. You don’t need or deserve this headache in your life.

Call your mom. Say something like, ‘Mom, I am done caring for grandma. Would you like her to live with you or tell her that she must move out of my house?’ Put the monkey on her back!

If your mom doesn’t step up, you will be forced to take further actions.

I don’t know if your grandma would be willing to move on her own but that is neither here nor there. You want her out so if she doesn’t cooperate, you will need to make it happen.

Find out what is required for forcing someone to move out.
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First I have to say shame on your mother for pawning off the care of HER mother on you, so she can live her life with her boyfriend. Doesn't she think that you deserve to live a happy life with yours? That is just so wrong, anyway you look at it. Grandma must go. The sooner the better. You are going to have to put your foot down with your mom, to get the ball rolling to get grandma out of your house. And like others have said, you may have to give her a 30 day eviction notice. In all reality, this is your mom's issue not yours, but because your mom is selfish and only thinking about herself, it's now fallen on you. Again, shame on her. Please take care of yourself, first and foremost, and best wishes in getting grandma out.
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Daughterof1930 Mar 3, 2021
You typed what I was going to say. The mom in this is shameful for sure.
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It sounds like from what you’ve written that you are going to need to use some tough love tactics.
You can’t just tell your GM to leave (in most states) as she probably has tenants rights. I just checked your bio and see that you are in Texas. So I think you will need to give her at least a 30 days written notice to vacate. That might sound really cold to you but she is leaving you no choice. You can find the details on line for how to evict a tenant in the state of Texas.
Additionally you can seek advice from the Area Agency on Aging for your county. They can help you have her assessed for what level of care she needs based on her finances and her health issues. She may qualify for assistance through Medicaid that would make it tolerable for you to have her in your home. It’s a place to start.
I suspect you will have a hard time removing her from your home. As you have pointed out, you have issues and your mom has abandoned your GM to your care so it’s a good idea to find out what assistance is available for GM and for you. Good luck and let us know how it works out. We care.
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Does your grandmother have other children besides your mother? Write all of them a letter with the info you have provided here and make sure they can all see that you have copied everyone on the letter/email. Tell them it is not working out and they need to take care of their mother.

If mom is only child, then talk to her about making other arrangements. You need to be a little firmer with mom. She left her own mother to move in with her boyfriend - why can't she come and get her mom and share HER home? If you don't think that will work, then ask mom if she will take mom for a week or two to give you a break. Maybe you can get g'ma over there and then take her belongings sometime after that. Or, tell mom she needs to get her rear end over to your house on a regular schedule to take care of her own mother - no excuses. Tell mom to be there at specific time because you are leaving and don't want g'ma there alone for long. Leave the house (even if you just go around the corner to see if your mom arrives)

If none of this is going to get your mom's attention to a responsibility that belongs more to her than you - then call g'mas dr or write a letter to let him know that your mother abandoned g'ma with you and you cannot physically care for her any longer - give details of the care she needs. In the letter, ask him for an appointment to bring her in for evaluation to see if she is eligible for nursing home care. This way you don't have to have a big blow out with g'ma before the dr visit, dr will know why you're there, and you can find out if she could even be eligible to go to nursing home. If she has any money of her own, she may be able to pay for assisted living, memory care, or whatever her needs are. If she has very little money, she may already be eligible for Medicaid for the NH bed.
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ventilatte707 Mar 7, 2021
Add GM’s sisters to that letter/email. Perhaps your aunts can talk sense into your mom or GM.
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Getting grandma to move out might be a challenge.
You would have to evict her. That means going to court. All the papers you need to file can be obtained at the County Courthouse.
The first thing I would do today is send her a Certified letter asking her to vacate and give a date. A May 1, 2021 date would be good as it would show the court that you gave her time to locate another place. It would also show the court that she has been given notice. Chances are the court will give her another 30 days to vacate. On the date they give you you can ask if an officer would come to make sure she leaves.
You can not just toss her stuff out prior to going to court.
If at anytime she threatens you or your boyfriend you can call 911 and tell the dispatcher that you are being threatened and are afraid and ask for transport to the hospital. If it gets that far you can tell the Social Worker at the hospital that she can not be discharged to you as you can no longer care for her physically or mentally.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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You have serious issues of your own and you must come first. Either you hire a caretaker or you place her. YOUR life cannot be damaged by her needs - you must take care of yourself and if you keep doing this, you will end up in a big mess. It is sad but there is no other choice. You cannot continue and have to make a decision by just saying NO MORE. And if your mother won't get involved or cooperate, then YOU must make the decision to make things happen. Please don't wait. And when it gets too tough, just walk away.
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Beatty Mar 4, 2021
Walk away (or step back as I call it) is going to be a problem here as Grandma is currently living in the house the OP owns. So the OP can't give notice & walk out. I'm thinking on this one...🤔
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I love that you asked this question! It's not easy to come forward and admit you don't want to be the caregiver when family forces the issue on you. And a grandparent shouldn't be an unwanted burden on a grandchild anyway. Some people love caregiving or at least are "natural "caregivers and some of us just are not.

I am one who said "no way" was dad going to live with me and my siblings, aunts and cousins were appalled. I know I'm not patient and don't have the personality for it. It's not that I dont' move mountains to help in other ways. I'm the POA and completely take care of all the other stuff, including doctors appointments and finding assisted living and health care aids and buying him 'gadgets" and items to make his life easier. But I know I'm not cut out to live with him. We had him here for 9 months due to Covid but we finally placed him in assisted living this week. YAY! Now we can eat the way we want to (he only likes meat and potatoes), walk around in PJs (or less), leave to do errands together, etc. Please don't feel guilty... you will do what you can do for her but you need your life too.
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