How do I ask mom's friends for help when I need to briefly take care of business outside the home? I don't know them well, just casually.

If any of these friends have said the words, 'If there's anything you need let me know' or 'Is there anything I can do' behave as if they mean this literally.

Come right out and ask them for what you need. If I were you I'd bring in some regular hired homecare that will guarantee you a certain number of hours off per week, on the same days and the same time.

I think it's best not to rely on a person's friends or acquaintances to do homecare for a sick or needy LO.

Test the water with her church congregation. They’re usually more helpful. But specify what you need from them (companion help while you run errands for 2 hours). Don’t be offended if you don’t get any or many offers, though. If you need help with toileting, hire an aide or CNA from an agency for a few hours each week. I think they require at least 4 hours. That would leave you time to run errands.

Not sure exactly what her needs are from your post. If all she needs is someone who can visit with her and perhaps prevent her from turning stove on and forgetting so burning something then her friends can help . If she needs care like helping her in the lavatory and cleaning her up then you need a caregiver unless her church has people who are trained to do that . My mom was once asked to “sit” with a church friend which included making her dinner . This would have been fine but turned out she needed a lot of mobility help which my mom was not strong enough to do.

Ignore the rude answers here. Sounds like you're doing your best. All any of us can do. ❤

ByGolly22: Imho, you may want to use experienced caregivers. However, that doesn't mean that your mother's church and quilting friends could not come over to socialize with mom. Introduce yourself through phone calls.

ByGolly just pick up the phone and have a nice chat with each one.

Tell them that it is an awkward question for you and they are not under any obligation to help, you are just trying to create a village to help you help mom and thought her friends would be a good starting point.

It is okay to ask and whatever they each decide is okay too.

Best of luck putting the village together for you and mom!

"Great group of friends" would most likely be willing to help. I'd just pick up the phone and do a preliminary ask - and keep a list of the yeses. Then, when I see a need on the horizon, call one in advance to set up the time and date. Don't chose the same friend each time to avoid over use. I've done this with my MIL, and it worked out fine.

Without knowing how much attention she'll need from someone else, it's difficult to say which is best. If she just needs company for a couple hours, I'd send emails. I used to sit with a friend who was no longer verbal but who liked hearing what was going on in my life. Ask her quilting and church friends if they would want to come visit with their friend while you run errands for an hour.
But if she's going to need help toileting or much of anything else, use pros.

I would hire professional caregivers instead. Ask for visitors and maybe some of that will turn into actual help but I wouldn't be comfortable relying on her friends so you can do errands. This needs to be paid for out of your mom's money. You are going to burn out very quickly doing 24/7 care so some regular hours with helpers will be necessary.

My church has this exact thing going on. We have a sister in our community who had a 'bad' brain surgery that has put her in 24/7 care.

She does reside in a NH at this time, IDK if she will ever be able to live alone again--it's been 9 months and she's not a lot better.

We have a sign up sheet that goes around each week and other sisters (or couple, if both know her well enough, but it's like 90% the women who go).

We sign up for a specific time and date and the family transfers that to her 'calendar' so she knows that someone is coming to see her that day.

9 months this has been going on and likely will be much longer. Her family gets a break--and we get to minister to this sweet woman.

We also gets emails if there were not enough people signing up. But on any given week, she sees 10-12 people.

Visits are 1 hr, IDK if I could handle longer ones--so your mom will need to have people who are very comfortable with her.

So--yes, I think reaching out to people who know her is good idea. So often we say "let me know what I can do" and we never hear anything back. You'll find out quickly who is serious and who is just 'saying it'.

Good Luck with this.

https://www.caringbridge.org/

This is a website where you can create a site just for your mom. This way you can post how she is doing and struggles you are having. There is also a page you can list things you need help for and they can sign up there. Probably not good for last minute needs but her friends would probably love to step up and run errands, bring meals, and maybe sit with her for a short trip out. It has categories you can put your needs. Just like facebook, you make it a private or public as you need. I keep ours private and only those I invite or otherwise give permission can have access.

P. S. You also may prefer experienced care providers which you (usually) can find through an agency. If you want her friends to visit / offer socialization visits, be specific and ask them.

Since they have already reached out to your mom, they likely will / would welcome an email from you. Introduce yourself. "XXX is my mom. Thank you for reaching out to her when she was hospitalized. I wanted to ask if you'd be able to xxx (visit her... whatever you want to say here). ... Please call me to discuss and thank you in advance. My mom will appreciate anything you can do.

Gena / Touch Matters

Write up an index size notice and post at the Church.
I could help you write it although I believe I cannot provide my personal information here on this site.

How to word it?

* Be concise
* Use bullet points
i.e., "xxx your mom's name) needs help with XXX.
Please call xxx (my daughter) to coordinate.
* List possible hours / days. Possibly list hourly fee (or 'call to discuss')

You could start off with "since you were in touch with my mom while in the hospital, I want to ask if you could help me out, or provide referrals. My mom needs some home care now... then list bullet points.

If a flyer or index card posting, create with tear off tabs.

Gena / Touch Matters

Best to hire. I assume friends are elderly and susceptible to falls. If mom goes down so can the assistant who has not been trained to reduce a fall. If you plan to pay, I doubt you would consider workmans comp. Also elderly friends may not understand the memory loss and believe things that mom says.
To get an occasional break, have you ever considered adult day care and the mind enrichment that can occur?

My opinion:
There's nothing wrong with reaching out to your Mom's friends. You have to start somewhere.

The main thing is to let them know that you are not asking for favors but are willing to pay them. I have done the same thing and pay $20.00/hour even though a couple of of my sitters have said that they didn't need that much or that they wanted to do it as a ministry. That's all well and good but in the end, if you want someone to be consistently willing to help out, you need to make it worth their time. I think that's only fair, so I pay them anyway. No one has ever turned down the money. It doesn't have to be awkward either - just handle it matter-of-factly.

If anyone is interested, I would invite them over for a short while so they can see where they will be and what they will be doing. Make sure they know that if they don't feel that it would be a good fit, then no worries.

And most importantly, pray about it - ask The Lord to send the right people and He will!

An example of what I might send out:


Subject: Sitters for Mom

Hello -

As most of you may know, Mom has recently returned home after a mild stroke and I have moved in with her to provide care.

She is currently doing well and yet requires an escort when walking with her walker.

Because she cannot be left alone, I am in need of sitters who can come and stay with Mom for a few hours (whatever days and times) while I run errands and take a break for a little while.

I know that she would also enjoy spending time with you and your company will most surely do her good.

I will be paying ($00.00) per hour as compensation for your time.

If you are interested, or know of someone who may be interested, please let me know.

Thank you for your ongoing prayers and kindness on behalf of my Mom.

I think an email is kind of cold and presumptuous on your part. If they come to visit or call and ask you if there is something you need, then ask if they would be willing to sit with Mom while u run errands.
Does the Church use bulletins in their services? If so, maybe a note can be placed in the bulletin asking if anyone would be willing to sit
with Mom so you can run errands. This way ur not putting her friends on the spot. Or maybe the Minister can make an announcement.

The problem you have is you chose to move in with Mom before you knew what was involved with caring for someone who is 24/7 care in their home. Too much for one person. If Mom has money, maybe hire someone a few days a week, a few hours a day, so u have time to yourself. Ask brothers if they can visit for the weekend so you can get away.

It is not the responsibility of your mother's friends to take up any care taking needs. If you need extra help either temporarily or long-term, you can look for volunteers from church or community senior agencies if your area has any, but volunteers may not be able to offer the kind of help you need.

You need to hire whatever outside help is needed to keep your mother safe.

I merely keep them apprised of how mom is doing and what care we have. We have 24/7/365 covered by LTC insurance - mom’s a planner!
she has a group of women folk she did stuff with when dad died. I called and let a couple of them know our plans. If they ask, I make a suggestion (ie take her to eat at the diner).
if there’s a change in caregiver, I let them know. If I’m taking a few days away for biz mtg or get away, I let them know. They do what they can. Mom gets to visit and they are happy to be able to support as her friends in the way she needs today.

Do not rely on " friends" for such needs. As you identify your mother as 24/7 care needs, confer with her PCP and get a referral to a home health agency to provide on going in home support with your mother ; speak with the home health agencies you decide to interview and explain that this is one of your needs to determine which home health agencies provide these services. Or you can contact services such as
" Visiting Angels" who may meet some of these needs. First,get the PCP input on what level of care one should be qualified with to be left alone with a 24/7 needs patient.
Yes, you need to have time to be away, out for self care , errands etc. Get proper consistent in home help established now. You don't mention other " family" ; if there are other family members this may also need to be a part of the conversation to enlist a schedule of " sitter help" from among your mother's biological family members.

You can ask the church receptionist (or look online at the church website) to see if they have a dedicated Care Ministry. You can request help there first, then email her friends separately to let them know you've requested help for your Mom and she'd be delighted to see them.

You know people say... If you need anything... We truly mean that, we don't know what you need but sometimes its just a few hours sitting with them or a meal made, -- but if you say it someone will step up. One time years ago - a members husband had gone into surgery and it was suggested that someone sit with the wife while she waited during the surgery. I was only maybe late 20's and I volunteered for a shift and you know I didn't know what was needed and when someone spelled it out I felt I could do that one thing. So don't be shy about tell them at church because they are willing some just need it spelled out. blessings

As to this question, I would say the simplest way is in person. Attend church with you Mom and when they come to you with "Let me know if there is anything....." then approach the subject.

However, overall I am a bit worried by your saying you have moved in to do 24/7 care, because this is only the tip of the iceberg. Can you tell us just a bit more? You age and are you retired? Do you have other family? Is there any other support in the area in so far as family? Have you left a job, and how will you support yourself? This is looking like 24/7 care for decades. Is there a plan of care and a shared living expenses that has been worked out with an attorney. Are you her POA for medical and financial and do you feel capable of that and of this 24/7 care without placement.

Sure wish you good luck ongoing.