Mom has early on set dementia is starting to see imaginary people. Arguments ensue with dad trying to convince mom that a person isnt there with mom calling him names, saying he’s lying and so on. Dad is mentally and emotionally beaten down. They live in their own home. Mom doesnt get around too well, uses a walker. Dad gets around fine, still drives, is her main caretaker. He does the laundry, fixes some basic meals but the almost daily ‘imaginary person’ arguments are wearing on him. Hes considering putting mom in a home. Help?
If he is considering a memory care facility and means it, you and him should explore that possibilty. Meet with an eldercare attorney to learn about the financial aspects. Learn about the different levels of care and what your mother needs are today and if that facility can transition to differnet levels of care when they become necessary.
Do you expect him to give the care to your mother as she declines? Have you walked in his shoes? It isn't easy and adding combative behaviors can be stressful and cause health problems for your father. If you mothers mental state has become severe and her physicians are aware then medications may help. Sometimes it is best for your parents to have your mother in a facilty and your father can be there as a husband and advocate to ensure your mother is being cared for properly. It is taxing for a younger healthy person to be a caregiver. I can't imagine the toll it takes on an elderly person.
Rules for engaging our loved ones with dementia:
1) Agree, do not argue
2) Divert, do not attempt to reason
3) Distract, do not shame
4) Reassure, do not lecture
5) Reminisce, do not ask “Do you remember…?”
6) Repeat, do not say “I told you”
7) Do what they can do, don’t say “you can’t”
8) Ask, do not demand
9) Encourage, do not condescend
10) Reinforce, never force
The overall goals should be to:
1) keep them as calm and peaceful as possible (because they are less and less able to bring themselves to this state on their own)
2) keep them physically protected in their environment and from predatory people
3) keep them nourished with healthy foods that they will accept without fighting or forcing
4) keep them in as good a health condition as is possible, that their financial resources will allow and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
5) keep them pain-free as possible and within their desires as expressed in a Living Will (aka Advance Healthcare Directive)
The caregiving arrangement needs to work for both the receiver and the giver. If it is onerous to the caregiver, then the arrangement is NOT working. Alternative types of care must be considered to avoid caregiver burnout.
Get dad info about possible care facilities. Go with him to visit them. Get Mom into one ASAP. You’ll all be relieved that you did.
If Dad gets some help, he may be just fine to care for her, but if he gets help, and is still burnt out, then something must change. No workers at a facility will ever love your Mom like her family does.
The above writer who listed the rules is correct, your father needs to understand what is happening to her, and have the compassion that will follow when he truly understands.
I watched my Mother fuss at my father, and I know that she just was not understanding that the disease was changing the man she had always known and relied upon. You would be surprised how much better your Father may be able to handle this, with just a little help. Someone to come in and sit with her, do laundry, help bathe her, and maybe cook or clean. After so many years together , they may both go down hill quickly without each other. Best of luck to your family! 🍀
If they are content living at home together, and it is only these arguments which are wearing on him, Advise Dad to stop arguing with her over her delusions!
I don't know why he thinks he can convince her that he is right and she is wrong!
You can't reason with dementia! Just be understanding. She is losing her mind. Literally. Just think how unnerving that must be for her!
The VA started providing me with 6 hrs of non-skilled in-home caregiving support 3 months ago.
It has been a life saver!!!!
He is told they are here for companionship and safety issues. Thank goodness he is accepting of this.
If he weren’t, I have already decided to get a cash home equity loan or sell our home to pay for a memory care facility.
Medicare & his supplemental insurance will cover a skilled nursing facility fir 100 days for Medical reasons only - dementia IS NOT considered medical for this purpose.
GET SOMEONE IN TO STAY WITH HER FOR A FEW HOURS A WEEK —— YOUR HEALTH DEPENDS ON IT.
He deserves peace; help him to find it.