My father is 89 years old. Within the last year and a half he is had colon cancer surgery, and prostate surgery. He is suffering from kidney disease and wears diapers to bed. He does not always suffer from incontinence, and the diapers are protection in case he has a bad night. He has been recovering from the surgery over the last year, and is getting stronger. His doctor has told him he needs to be capable in four areas in order to drive: hearing, eyesight, mental acuity, and physical strength. He has recently been asked to stop driving until we can assess all of these areas. He keeps telling me, (I’m his oldest daughter and he is currently living with me) and the rest of my siblings, that we do not support him. He gets very angry and emotional, and brings up the topic frequently. I am just interested in hearing especially from those who have a background in psychology and might have good advice as to how to redirect him. I have noticed that the topic is more intense to him in the morning before he’s eaten, and also sometimes late at night. Of course it also comes up just prior to any doctors appointments. We probably will have him take a driving test even if all four areas show that he is strong enough to drive. We realize that once he has been denied after not passing the drivers test there’s not much he can do about it, it’s just currently right now while we’re waiting this is very frustrating and stressful. The family has been concerned about his driving for months now, as he uses a walker, and has fallen several times doing various activities. He is currently getting PT and OT. I am aware that this is a form of denial, but it is very hard to constantly face his his intermittent rages.
Your dad's rages are irrational, so not sure any "psychology" will work on him, especially if he has any cognitive issues. You can go onto the website for your father's home state and report him as an unsafe driver. They will send a letter to have him come in for an eye or driving test. No one should take him to this test and just let his license expire. Please remember that, although unpleasant for you and your family to deal with his rages, others may be his victims (as was the case in our family and others on this forum). So, it's not just about him. His doc may pass him on all 4 counts but that still doesn't mean he's not a danger to others on the road (or sidewalk or parking lot, etc). I would do whatever it takes to stop him. Removing his vehicle to a location he can't recover it often works if you tell him it's "in the shop" or the repairs are just too costly and try to convince him to sell it. This is serious: a car is a weapon if driven by an incapable person. Wishing you patience and success!
For an 89 yr old to have this much surgery it may have effected his mind. Using a walker means being able to get it and him in a car without falling. Picture it. He has to open the back door. Fold up the walker put it in the back seat. Close the door, open the driver side door get in and drive. Then the reverse when he gets where he is going. The only time I have seen this done is when the person has help and really, they aren't driving.
Do u have his car where he sees it. If so, I would move it. Out of sight out of mind.
Its going to be hard for him not to drive. Its independence for him. Its going to be hard for him to accept. And the one to tell him he can't drive anymore should be the doctor. He needs to sit down in front of Dad and look him in the eye and tell him "I am sorry but in good conscious I can not allow you to drive. Your health will not allow it" Then the doctor needs to inform DMV. My Gson was sent a letter telling him his license was revolked and he needed to hand it in by a certain date. (Gson has epilepsey)
Not sure why the doctor mentioned hearing. Lots of deaf people on the road. My DH is one of them.
Dad and I had numerous telephone battles any time he would say he was going to drive. That was the only time I ever had raised my voice to Dad. That was a major hot button for me.
I remember reading that if you take away something from an elder you need to replace it would something else. I tried to get my parents to use taxi or the county mini bus, but my Mom wouldn't ride with strangers. Thus, I became the driver and how I hated doing that. I was a senior driving two much older seniors.
I was still working full-time so it wasn't easy to schedule. My parents were use to heading out the door 2 or 3 times a day. Setting boundaries was so difficult. On weekends I really didn't feel like going to 3 different grocery stores because one had a sale on cereal, another store a sale on green beans, and to Target for toilet paper. Then Dad would say, let's go to Home Depot. God, take me now !!
So, I wish you luck with trying to wrestle away Dad's keys. I tried to get my parents to donate their car, but oh no, what if there was an emergency? Ah, 911 has vehicles you can ride in.
If I understand your post, you need help in how to head off the anger.
Louise, pick up a copy of “The 36-Hour Day, A Family Guide to Caring for People Who Have Alzheimer Disease, Other Dementias, and Memory Loss” by Nancy L. Mace, MA, Peter V. Rabins, MD, MPH.
This book is considered “The Gold Standard”. It’s in its 6th edition and has been revised and updated over the years. First published in 1981.
Most recent 2017.
Your dad will face many more loses in his dimming future. Since you are on the receiving end of his anger, you understandably want it to stop. The best you may be able to manage is to understand his anger. To that end, I encourage you to read as much as possible about dementia and if you haven’t already had him tested, now is the time. I would use his desire to drive as a motivator to get him in front of a doctor “who might be able to help”.
The book I referenced discusses the driving issues and many, many more. You will find it helpful as a reference book.
They recommend help finding him ways to save face. Instead of “your driving is terrible, your getting lost and it just isn’t safe.” Which can feel like criticism, they suggest gently saying “you are getting absent-minded about stoplights” giving an “easy way out”. So your job is to look for ways to save (his) face and preserve his dignity at the same time as you are trying to respond to the need for safety.
Understanding more about how dementia affects one will help you manage not only the driving but ‘life with dad’ in general.
Also read “Being Mortal, Medicine and What Matters in the End” by Atul Gawande.
Use the search on this forum and type in driving. You will see many many threads on the subject.
Mom raged at me on a voice message saying she demands her keys be brought back within 24 hours. That was last week. I called her, she didn’t pick up the phone and left her the message that there’s no possible way I can return them, she has to take a driver eval/exam and when would she like to go. Haven’t heard from her.
I understand the rage you and the family are receiving. I know. Mom’s called me and DH names and threatened to call the police. I know how it feels. But I have to keep her and others safe. Docs are supposed to report a ‘suspension’ of driving rights (yes, it’s a right). Maybe he did - I’m trying to reach him the last couple of days. Mom would not tell me that the state sent her paperwork saying her license is suspended - she may have it or she may not. But she can prove capability with the eval.
I’m not willing to take the chance that she won’t use her keys to move the car. I’ll be keeping them till I see results of eval.
Hold firm - we are protecting them, and others. Praying for all of us on this journey.
Other than that.. You need to just pull the keys and the car.. PERIOD. It's not your life on the line or his that you need to worry about. It's the poor unsuspecting driver on the road near him when he forgets what the gas pedal or brake pedal is. Perhaps, he is just driving too slowly and someone tries to pass him, and he freaks, and maneuvers for no reason and causes an accident.
****MOST IMPORTANTLY****
***** If he is driving and someone crashes into him, and he is 89 years old, IT IS AUTOMATICALLY HIS FAULT... HE IS 89 YEARS OLD, and most likely he is going to say,,,, sorry,,,, I guess I did something wrong.****
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