How can you force your mother to stop lending money to an adult child?

So many of us have been through this! Hope you get this resolved soon. Money runs out. Can you freeze her card? Don’t allow her to keep piling up debt with interest! She has dimentia. I hope she will allow you to be her voice of reason. Good luck!

The enabler. Tough "career" choice because once started, the "borrower" will keep coming back. They know they were able to get money OFTEN very easily from the "bank loan department." So - a word to the wise (and this, too, happened to my husband and I) -his down on their luck friends would come to us for $$$$. We said "WE ARE NO LONGER ANYONE'S BANK."

Dementia or not, unless your mom is deemed incompetent, there is not much you can do.

I see several comments saying mother has dementia - did I miss something? I see nothing in the original post or profile stating mom has dementia, nor any follow up comments/questions from OP.

IF she does not have dementia, there probably is not a lot you can do. APS could be tried, but based on comments read on various threads here at AgingCare.com, they may not do anything or much.

You could try, as others suggested, having a very detailed discussion with her about potential needs in the future. Details need to include potential rehab, AL, MC, NH - costs vary from one region to another and from one facility to another, so document by getting prices for these various facilities in your area. One quick search yielded this: "The cost of Assisted Living Facilities nationwide can vary from $2,000 - $5,000 per month. Sometimes people have a false sense of security about what their insurance will pay. It’s important to know right up front that Medicare will not pay for assisted living." THAT is just plain old assisted living. Getting into Memory Care (MC) or Nursing Homes (NH), those costs will be higher. Here in the NE, mom's MC has gone up (we're now in year three) to about 7915/mo (self-pay non-profit.) NO SS payment is that high!

She needs to understand these potential costs and the fact that not all children can afford to take in a parent - could be any combination of space, funds, and/or emotional/physical toll. She also MUST understand what others have said about Medicaid - she won't qualify if she keeps giving him money and won't have money to get care for herself. Not only that, choices for places to live based on Medicaid (if/when she qualifies) will be limited. If self-paying, you might have better choices, but if you insist on giving money to this brother, you will NOT have sufficient funds to provide care for yourself in the future!

Under NO circumstances should any of you agree to pay for that mom credit card bill that paid your brother's bill!!! Sorry mom, it is HIS responsibility to pay it or pay it back. Not my debt, should not have been yours either!

IF she does have dementia, then you can take steps, but they will depend on what stage of dementia she is at. IF it is early enough and IF mom is agreeable, you could get DPOA set up and hopefully either have mom agree to allow you to take over finances and/or ensure it has appropriate wording that determines when you can take over (if not immediately). If so, immediately work with the bank(s) to close that account and have new cards issued (or better yet, close the cards down!) IF she is NOT agreeable, then you are back to square one.

If she has dementia and the attorney cannot get her to understand/agree, then DPOA will not be an option. Guardianship/stewardship/conservatorship are good options, but are not cheap, take time, require keeping good records and reporting back as the court requires, BUT is not guaranteed. IF she is deemed competent, no go. IF she decides to fight it, the court will order an attorney for HER, but her assets will have to cover all the costs. Unless you are certain you can win, this might not be the right time to fight this. If you do believe she is far enough down the dementia path, this might be the best option, just in brother has set up any kind of POA or similar process to "control" mom and/or her assets - Court approved guardianship will override any POA.

Another option is to apply to be representative payee for SS. Again, she will get notice of this and can refuse (they may require some intervention to determine her capacity, but I don't really know - I was able to get this for mom without issue or cost other than my time and gas.) IF it is approved, only the applicant (you) can access the special account set up for it. That would prevent him getting access to her SS money/account, but if she has many other assets, those are still loose hanging apples.

Everything hinges on if mom is deemed competent.

I saw a lot of answers to your problem here, trouble is none of them are going to work. My nephew did this to my brother. First he lost his own house then moved in with his father and took his two kids with him. He managed then to get my brother to loose his house, because of course my nephew did not pay any thing to stay there and he always wanted money for himself or his kids. So in just under ten years my brother was so far behind in his bills that they foreclosed on him. The long and short of it is, The state finally stepped in and removed my brother from the home he had lived in for over 40 years, because it was no longer a safe environment for an elderly man to live. Now my nephew could steal every thing in the house and have a yard sale of it to support himself while my brother was moved from one hospital to another to prove he was incompetent. He finally came and spent his last year on this earth with me. His son was never prosecuted for anything. He even managed to get paid $20000 for my brother's house when it was taken by the bank. His name was never on the deed but he refused to vacate unless they paid him or he would burn down the house. My brother got nothing. So I wish you luck in stopping your brother from borrowing from mom. My brother's excuse was he did not want to see his son on the street. But that is where he ended up and as far as I am concerned thats where he belongs.

I have a friend whose brother moves his mom around so he has complete control over her. He only shows her to other siblings for special occasions, but never discloses what hotel/motel they are living in.
I just pray mom is ok

Your brother obviously has problems functioning in life on his own. Your mother thinks she is helping, but she is really an enabler which is keeping your brother dysfunctional. If your mom is fully competent, try to get her to open an account that requires a second name to be valid. It should be her name and yours or some trustworthy person. You can setup automatic deposits and bill pay. Your brother will not have access to her funds and she can not give him a check without a second signature.
I would leave the original account open with funds for several months. This will give your brother time to figure a new plan. He probably has a sense of entitlement and will be manipulative, but stand your ground. Your mother’s financial future is at risk. Good luck. I hope things work out well for you.

For whatever reason, your mother wants to help her son. I'd be willing to bet she helped YOU (the other siblings) a lot of times also. She is now asking you to help HER by paying off the credit card bill. You should stop thinking of this as money to your brother, but as a help to your mother. Be good children and pay it off. You can tell her you can't do it on a regular basis.

There are a lot of levels to dementia. If she still understands money, where it comes from, and what it is used for, she can make a decision on what is appropriate in her son's case. If she doesn't, why does she still have a credit card? Could it be that this is not a concern for her finances but resentment that the brother is getting something that YOU are not?

First of all, find a way to get a Power of Attorney and then take all the financial checkbooks, etc. away from her so she can't give the sibling money. Let both of them rant and rave - ignore it. Do not give out the money. You must get that Power of Attorney and take the power away from her - NOW! Another thought is to get a brand new checkbook and advise the bank NEVER, EVER TO GIVE OUT THE NUMBER. If he can't access the checkbook, how will he cash a check. And then I would sit him down and tell him it ends - now - he has to handle things on his own. No if's, and's, or but's. Do it now.

Since the mom here has Alzheimer's/dementia, whomever is the agent (POA) must say to the nearly 60 year old adult child - "Mom's bank is closed for biz. No more money coming forth." Remove all financial materials from this mom. The enabler must quit her job! It says in the OPs profile that the mom has Alz/dementia.

Genelda,  Have you found any of the information or suggestions helpful to your situation?  Have you made any decisions as to whether you and your siblings are or are not going to help your Mom pay your Brother's credit card bill?  Please update us regarding your situation.

I have the same issue. Frankly, that is a form of abuse and it's called Financial Exploitation. Contact Adult Protective Services and report this abuse. There comes a time when you have to say that enough is enough.