We need to stop a sibling from borrowing money from “the bank of mom” when it often does not get paid back. He’s nearly 60 years old and still uses her checking account and doesn’t have one if his own. It’s constant and she has recently put one of his bills on a credit card she herself could not have paid and asked us other children to pay the bill. Essentially asking us to pay his bill. How do we stop this permanently?
" when the time comes that mom needs to be bathed and her diaper changed, I guess you will be the one to do it, since there won't be any funds left to pay for a caregiver. Medicaid want pay because she has gifted all this money to you. Mom, I hope you'll be happy being made a ward of the State and sent to whatever nursing home they have room in. Probably too far away for us to visit."
But only if you're sure mom is competent.
How many times on this forum do we see one of the children taking on the care of a parent because there is no money, and then there is a Medicaid penalty period because of the money being given/loaned to one sibling?
If your mom is competent, there’s really nothing you can do. POA won’t help you. If she needs Medicaid in the next five years, this is going to be a huge problem.
You are exactly right. Even with DPOA or POA, if mom is deemed competent by a court, she can do as she wishes with the money.
Also, telling her what to do could be deemed elder abuse by adult protective services.
Lastly, the really sad thing is that even if the parent has mild dementia, the courts may still deem her competent enough to give gifts to her relatives.
The courts are very reluctant to deem someone incompetent for fear they may be abused by those who are trying to have them deemed incompetent.
Giving one's money away, may be crazy if it causes a medicaid penalty, but it is not enough to deem someone financially incompetent.
There is a fine line between being incompetent and simply acting irresponsible.
Have you confronted your brother and told him how you feel?
Try to keep it very factual. If you can muster it without sarcasm or anger, talk with your brother about how you might help him to budget so that he can meet his expenses without mom's help.
Do not try to get mom to agree that she shouldn't be supporting her son. She believes what she believes and she has a right to. She may even think that it's reasonable to expect her other children to help support him. Don't try to change a mom's mind about her kids.
Stick to the facts. She will need that money in the near future and it needs to be there for her or she will not have any choices about her independence.
Unfortunately people have the right to make bad choices.
Sometimes having Adult Protection call your sibling has an impact.
I went through this with my mother and brother, because my mother was considered competent there was nothing I could do but sit back and watch the train wreck. Now, she has no money so guess who doesn't call her anymore.
And if your brother is like mine; you can't take them to small claims court or have them pay it back because they have no money, nor is there any proof! "Can't get blood out of a turnip."
Sorry:(