How can they help Grandma?

Greeting cards,help her to compile a scrapbook, or help her compose the story of her life

Perhaps a phone call or letter once a month each (or more if it can be agreed). I note you are the Grandchild but she has three children - do you know why they are so hands off, there will be history from before you were born. It may help to find out if there is anything negative. But if they don't want involvement then you seem to be trying to make them do something which seems likely to cause you more stress than just ignoring them.

Homecare123: Imho, this is a moot point since the relatives don't care to help.

I have been on all three sides of this dynamic, in some way or another.
I absolutely agree with the sentiment that material things, are really only as good as the warmth of love of the gift giver, that they remind her of. It's companionship that someone wants in truth.
Also, asking people to commit to a schedule, can in fact have the opposite effect. It forces them to decide right away if they are 'all in' or 'all out'. They may be decent people, and were busy at first. And now they feel guilty. If they reach out and are shamed for not being there 'so far', they may just accept the title of 'bad person' and not bother again.

I would suggest definitely waiting for your relatives to 'make the first move', but don't hate on them in the mean time. Assume the best in people, until they prove otherwise beyond the shadow of a doubt. They may have tragic issues they are dealing with.

Otherwise you risk isolating and alienating grandma. And -that- is when the crazy stuff begins.
-no grudges, no regrets
-nm

Lunch dates, sending flowers and small treats, watching movies together, music that she enjoys and a simple player, paying for haircuts or mani-pedis or massages, scented lotions and soaps, short storybooks

If her own children do not even call her now why do you think anything will change? Give up on the relatives. You are the granddaughter! Her children should be attending to her.
My mom only has me and my sister.

She has two sons who are worthless.
Mom,85, does live in her independent apartment in a senior community. She has PT caregivers to help fill in.

My advice to you is do as much as you can online. Get her groceries, meals , meds delivered. Pay her bills online and especially change her rent to auto pay.

I changed my mom's insurance so she could use Visiting Physicians. The primary comes to her apartment each month. Such a huge help.

Try to get some caregivers even if it a few hours a couple of days each week.

Good luck to you and bless you for stepping up.

I am sorry to say this but some people simply won't or can't do anything special for elders and forcing them is not going to work at all. It is wrong but it is life. If you care for her and are able to, you can find ways to show your love. I think the move is an excellent idea for her to have more activities and people in her life. Don't bother with the family - does not sound like they are worth being in your lives.

As M11929 asks, Have any of them asked how they might help? If not, they obviously do not want to be bothered. They are probably relieved that you have taken on the task.

People who had already left her on her own and don't step up when you directly ask for a task to be done, aren't going to change much if you give them a list. You've already figured that out by coming to the conclusion that you aren't going to ask for input from them about her care. Subscriptions you might get - they don't involve any interaction at all. Baked goods or things like puzzles require getting the item and making a delivery - probably won't happen.

Regular phone calls...and I mean regular...will go a long way with her. Even someone on the decline knows when they are being avoided or put on the back burner by their children and family. There is absolutely no reason people cannot call - it's free and it can be very minimal time involved. Every single person on this earth wastes at least 15-30 minutes of their day on something very trivial or with people they are not related to. I come from a family of talkers - we talk to total strangers at any given time. I have pointed that out to my own siblings - that 5 minutes you spent talking to a stranger in line at the grocery store would have been worth an hour to mom.

Approach it with her surviving children: Ask that they commit to calling, let's say, 2 times a week. Send them a group message with a calendar with time slots of best time to call mom. Avoid meal time or maybe a nap time. Then point out that phone calls are free, it can be a 5 minute call - but call so she thinks they have some concern for her. Also, ask them to donate a little money to a pot that can be used to get her a hair-do/cut 1 time a month, or baked good, or puzzle and you will get it to grandma. With three of them - even $20 per month each could be helpful for a gift now and then. You can tell her it's from Tom this time, Dick next time, and Jane the next time. If they would like to do this sort of thing on their own, ok, but since there hasn't been regular interaction in the past you're just trying to maintain a connection to them for her.

You are a very good granddaughter to be involved with grandma. Often when the children aren't caring people, the grandchildren don't get a relationship with grandparents. You may not even realize how much grandma appreciates you being in her life. You are a shining star!

And if, by some chance, your request creates questions from them - or suggestions - just don't get too involved in the replies. A simple "When I didn't hear back from you, I handled it. All that is taken care of. Now I just want gr'ma to be connected to all of you (and your kids) - that's all I'm asking". It is very common that when you have to ASK someone to call their mother, it creates a bit of defensiveness on their part. They know they haven't done right by their mom and may come back with comments such as suggesting a way to do something, saying how busy their life is, etc -- avoid going down their road. Just say - no worries, I have it handled, all I need is for you to call more regularly and visit when you can.

In my experience, if one can give their gift of 'time' (whether it be in person, face time/video chat, or telephone - it is one of the best gifts one person can give another older person.

If they are near, the best thing they can do is Visit every day at different times so the staff knows she gets visited.
The Best Nursing Homes are understaffed and not a pleasant place to live in.
Of course when you tour the place you are told and shown all the things you want to hear and see as you are a Client and they're trying to make a Sale.

Do not leave anything of value as it will disappear.
Put Grandma's Name on EVERYTHING!

For the ones who live out of town, see if you can sit up face time so Grandma can see and talk to them. They should all call Every Day. Maybe one can commit to a Good Morning Call, One to an Afternoon Call and One for the Good Night Call.

Visiting and Calling are the two Best Things one can do.

Always have her room decorated for all the Holidays.

Have a Big Frame with a Collage of all the Family hanging on her wall.

Also have a picture album that she can look through.

The our of towers can have flowers, helium balloons, cards delivered but need to make sure she actually gets them.
As a present, they could pay for her to have her hair done or a manicure or Pedicure, or pay for the intern person to treat her to lunch.

99 year old mom who lives with us, loves to get letters, which my wife reads to her. Together, they write back. Because mom is blind, half-deaf, and has memory problems, this works great, and we can refer back to the letters again and again.

You’re wasting your time with these relatives. They don’t want to help and they may have valid reasons for doing so. It’s admirable that you want to help, but don’t try to impose your values on these people. It won’t work.

Your grandma is lucky to have you. My experience indicates that you can’t make someone care for someone else. Placing your grandma in independent living is a great idea because the facility offers group activities where your grandma can make friends. Hopefully, she is social, but even if she isn’t, she is bound to make a couple of friends and with you visiting her, she will be happy, hopefully. Forget the list and the uncaring relatives. They won’t be coming around for your grandma. I know it hurts, but accept what it is and move forward. Know that you are doing the right thing by showing your love.

Have any of these flaky relatives asked what they can do to help? If not, don't waste your time.

Thank you all. I appreciate the thoughtful responses.

I'm pretty jaded when it comes to trying to get family to 'help out' in any way other than having them shoot money her way.

I can't say that it has been successfully no matter what I have tried to organize. Sometimes an email or text to remind them of her upcoming birthday or to ask them to PLEASE stop giving her gifts of junk she cannot use (scented candles, tchotchkes that sit and collect dust, MORE hand lotion, etc.

It sounds like a good thing that you are moving grandma to a better living situation. I'd ask the NH what helps THEM the most. Books, puzzles, things that can be used by gma and then put in the 'common area'. My mom has over 100 puzzles and gets 5 new ones each month. She won't part with them, so she has teetering stacks of them all over her apt. Same with books, of which she can no longer follow the plot lines...her Sr Center could really enjoy these.

GA has some great ideas as does Moms Help--you can ASK family all day and night for help, but if they have not been involved to this point, don't expect much help.

MomHeal has a great list.    I would l make up such a list, not only of what things she may enjoy doing, but other ways the family can help (even if they haven't volunteered yet), and e-mail or snail mail it to the family, asking each of them to indicate which tasks he/she would LIKE (don't mention "can") to undertake.  

That puts them on the spot, and could make them feel guilty for not assisting.  

But as to the tasks, chores and recreational activities, I'd refrain from sending the list until you see what resources are available at the IL facility, then supplement anything lacking there with the proposed family list.  

Adding to Momheal's list, you might consider the Bradley Trevor Greive books as gifts.   He's an Australian former military man who's created a wonderful and resourceful  line of books, featuring animals to express ideas and feelings.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/104164.The_Blue_Day_Book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/48666.Friends_to_the_End

I have others but can't find them right now!

I’m not sure if granny has any limits of things she can do?

Since moms stroke and most family being in another state we have had to be creative.

Some have weekly calls on FaceTime and do crosswords or trivia with her.

Her sister and cousin are great at sending cards and letters - they sometimes included pictures or jokes.

Does she like to read or listening to audible books - they could find books she likes or get audible gift cards.

There are many types of puzzles books - journals or writing materials (blank cards - stamps - stickers and pens or markers so she can write to them or even have someone in the facility help her write to others.

Does she craft or even like adult coloring books and supplies.

Does she need supplies or personal care item - smalls baskets done up with her favorite soaps - shampoos - creams/lotions.

Do up small baskets or packages with her favorite treats and snacks that she can have in her room.

If she likes music - get her an Alexa.

Does she need clothing - cozy socks and slippers - robes - pajamas.

Does she like board games - scrabble - cards - bingo game - things she can even use to interact while getting to know others in the IL.

Does she like flowers - they could get her plant to care for or flowering grow kit.

Does she have favorite coffee or teas - personal mini coffee maker - large print digital clock - large print calendars - or cork board to post reminders or card on.

Magazine subscriptions (large print readers digest) - crosswords - etc.

Nowadays - so many people have Amazon accounts - you could put together a “wish list” for her of things you feel she would use/need and they can either order and bring it to her or even have shipped right to her.

Again - I’m unsure if she has any Cognitive issue or what her independence level is - or her financial/personal care needs or even if people are close by and your thinking what they can go do with her or only stuff they can send her?

If your gramma is competent and doesn't want to leave then you have no power to make her except to go through the court's eviction process.

If your gramma has a diagnosis of cognitive and/or memory impairment and you are not her DPoA, then IF she has a DPoA this person needs to be contacted to take over making decisions on her behalf and managing her affairs. The DPoA can legally remover her out of your home if she is not cooperative.

If your gramma appears to have some cognitive and/or memory problems and no one is her DPoA, she may still be able to assign one if she's willing. This should be done right away through an elder law attorney and this attorney will interview her privately to determine if she comprehends what she is doing. But whoever she assigns as her DPoA must be wiling and able to perform the duties. It may need to be you.

If your gramma has cognitive and/or memory problems and no one is her DPoA
and she is unwilling or unable to assign a DPoA then you must contact social services for your county and have her assessed. She will be on the path to being under guardianship so that someone can legally manage her affairs and make decisions on her behalf.

Also, do you know what her financial situation is? This will also factor into this transition out of your home, since she may need Medicaid (or will need it soon after she moves). Don't make any financial decisions for her (regarding rent, selling any of her property, etc) without first consulting with an elder law/estate planning attorney or a Medicaid Planner. The Medicaid application has a financial "look-back" period, often 5 years. Depending on how her finances have been managed her qualification for Medicaid may be delayed or she may not qualify at all. This is very import to help her figure out. FYI you don't need to be her PoA in order to help her fill out this app but you will need access to her financial and asset info.

I'm so sorry that you are in this corner without much help. Bless you for carrying your gramma's torch to this point. I wish you much speedy success in getting her resettled and peace in your heart knowing that you've done your best for her.

Don't waste your time with putting together your own list. Google for a list. Maybe Xmas gifts for seniors living in facilities. No matter how hard you try, you will not be successful in getting your aunties and uncles to do anything. That is their job and they will only do it if they want to.

Good for you getting granny out of your house. I hope for your sake that it is as easy as you think it is going to be. Granny may refuse to leave in which case you will need to evict her. Do you at least have her powers of attorney? Not that they will do you any good unless she has been declared incompetent.