My mother in law lives with us and I’m having a hard time getting her to respect my boundaries in regards to my time, in the past I’d respond quickly to her every request but now I realize she’s manufacturing issues in order to get interaction/attention. I am busy and have a life and cannot entertain her all day, and no longer want to enable this dependency. For example, she will interrupt me working to ask where a pan is, or where something in the fridge is , without even looking. I will tell her, I’m busy now maybe look again? Etc but it seems she’s pushing back. Another example, she will ask if she can help with something and then ask the most ridiculous questions every step of the way, like is this how you want it? Is this enough? Etc. It is like she is forcing me to stay with her, when the whole point is to take a chore off my hands. or she will drag on basic conversations. For example, does the food need salt? I reply no it’s good. She will literally keep asking, so it’s good? Doesn’t need salt? Etc etc
how can I gracefully curb this attention seeking behavior? I also have young children who she will literally talk over with her unnecessary questions. I've tried being direct and isn’t working
I should add I’m also an introvert who needs my quiet time, and rarely has any. So I find this behavior extra difficult because I feel my needs are not being considered, only hers.
You also implied this has been gradually getting worse. This likely rules out UTI, although it can't hurt to check. Usually the UTI will cause more abrupt changes in demeanor or behavior. She really should have a checkup and assessment for dementia/cognitive decline. Some regular doctors are not very good at this, but you could start there. Our doc tried giving the test to my mother, even though she had already been living in MC for 2+ years (couldn't even complete much of it) and when I went later for my checkup, I had to take the test too! It does, at the least, give a baseline. If you don't think the regular doc would be useful, you could take her to a neurologist for testing/assessment.
If this is dementia, which I do think it might be, she isn't doing this deliberately, nor can she "help" herself. Think of when your kids were toddlers, trying to learn things and be "helpful" - often they can't find things, ask questions over and over, seek more time with you, etc. This is how dementia is. The sad part is toddlers will eventually learn and grow, become more independent. With dementia, the process is in reverse. She WILL regress more.
You should get hubby involved in this, since it is his mother and you can't tackle this alone. Both of you need to learn more about dementia, because it won't get better, it will only get worse. Being armed with knowledge will make this "journey" a bit easier (just a bit), because you will be more aware of what to expect as it progresses.
The repetition is mainly because short-term memory loss is one of the first symptoms (it was for me - I had to do my research as I knew nothing about dementia at that time), so they don't remember that they just asked/said something. It's like a record getting stuck on a scratch. Sometimes you can "bump" it along, but it will get caught on another scratch later. Although using controls is more long term memory, there is also the issue of becoming unable to follow instructions - it gets jumbled so trying to operate something, or sometimes trying to follow a recipe, they find they can't figure it out, even something they have done or made for years.
So, recommendation is to get an assessment done asap. While waiting for appt, start learning the stages of dementia. It is helpful to know what you might encounter (the stages are guidelines, not everyone gets every symptom and not everyone gets them in the same order.)
I don't think she is a good candidate for IL and may not be for AL either, She may need MC, but during this current crisis, there isn't likely going to be a place that would take her in. You mention something about this not being doable. If family objects, then they need to take care of her instead, to see for themselves. If she has no real assets or savings, you would have to consider Medicaid.
But, start with getting a checkup/assessment. Until you know for sure whether this is dementia, you are working blind.
All I can say is you perhaps are in a damned if you do or don't situation.It's a tough one,.as they need you,..but I came to realize I was literally killing myself to save someone else :(
the answers given are all helpful.
Yes, please help your mother in law have a medical check-up from a good geriatrician. Some GP's will not be able to detect if she has dementia.
She would not change. Placing her in a respite care/nursing homes can conserve the good relationship among the people in the house. Before you know it, you will be exhausted and you can be pushed into being disrespectful to her and you would not want your children to see that. Good discussion and planning with your husband regarding his Mom is also in order.
Mean time, you can try giving her tasks which will interest her so she can be occupied. Make sure the task will not require complex thinking because she will not pursue doing it. Example, allow her to fold clothes and make her put it in another room every time she finished folding one. This will also be an exercise for her. This is just an example, know what she would want to do.
Safety should be in your mind also. I hope this helps.
As hard as it sounds, ignore her. Say, "I can't talk now, Mom, I'm concentrating on something." Just put her off until she gives up. Remember when your kids were young and you had to say "no" 100 times before it stuck? It's like that. Persistence and patience. Don't show your frustration, just answer each time like it's the first time, "sorry, I can't help you now (or talk about that now, etc)."
Independent living and assisted living are very pricey. First go MIL financial advisor. He can tell you how many years worth of money she has to live on
what you need to do is change how you respond to her. If she wants to do something point to a clock and say we’ll do in 15 or 30minutes. It’ll keep her occupied watching the clock. It also sounds like she has onset of dementia, not remembering she just asked that question and you just need to be patient. And empathetic. Imagine yourself looking at the world thru her eyes. Jigsaw and crossword puzzles may help her be more focused on something besides you entertaining her time.
And remember the sooner you find answers the better because she will continue and it’ll get harder for you. But you are sharp, smart and resourceful and you CAN do it.
love and light
Sabrina
Not knowing where the pan is, even though it is in the same place for 15 years is an indication of dementia.
Once you get her diagnosed it will be easier for you to understand what is happening, but the behaviors will not change. So maybe it is time to reconsider the living situation, because she can't help what is happening to her and she obviously bothers you a great deal, it either works for everyone in the house or it doesn't work.
could this be an early dementia sign? Or just loneliness" I believe from your descriptions it is probably a combination of both. Often seniors in early stages of dementia start forgetting how to do simple things--operate a remote, use their cell phone features, operate a microwave, etc. Watching a video and/or reading instructions don't help because that part of their brain is broken. They also can't figure out things to do to entertain themselves. I had someone explain it to me is that it's a backwards regression of skills---So your MIL is very similar to a 5-6 year old at this point when it comes to those things. She will continue to regress. Maybe you need a family meeting with your husband and then add in your MIL and come up with a routine for her that you can write down and start enforcing to build some good boundaries? Times you are available and times youre working? Let him take some of the responsibility of "filling her tank" with attention in the evenings. Maybe a walk, maybe a 30 min time for them to do something together--go for a drive, something to help her fill that tank. ALSO the not going out is also a red flag. She feels unsure of her abilities to handle the social situation. It's possible she is having more issues that you are seeing and she's using all her effort to try to cope/hide those deficits.
The only thing I'd say, though, is that one of the great things about the forum is the range of views and ideas that people contribute. I hope you're already feeling at least not alone in your situation. Best wishes,
You say you've been dealing with her "for years"? How many years? And what's changed that makes you less able to tolerate her now?
Thanks for pointing this out. I have felt the same. So many times people feel that someone is being manipulative when they aren’t. They simply have different personalities.
Remember that book from years ago, ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?’ People were using it to determine compatibility.
AL may be affordable, even if you think it isn't, based on various factors. I'd explore it to see.
Last year, I had a senior friend who became very bothersome with some of his behavior. I tried to set boundaries, explained my position, stood my ground, etc. But, his behavior did not change and I could not tolerate it. The friendship ended. I later discovered that he was like that with everyone else too and had always been that way, though, it was hidden from me for years. I'm glad I didn't suffer dealing with him for very long. It was emotionally draining and very painful. We all know how much we can take. I hope you can find some peace.
Yes to all the suggestions that she needs to find her own life, interests, hobbies.
Once Covid is over & social groups are allowed again, I'd be finding a local senior centre with activities she can attend multiple days a week. Reminds me when my daughter was 4 - chatting all day, needing my help for every activity, wouldn't do anything for more than 10 mins on her own. Kindergarten was a lifesaver. 4 days a week she was occupied, learning & social & I stayed sane.
many ppl suggested putting her in AL, but for many reasons that’s not an option. I really just need help with coping mechanisms, how to deal with the attention seeking behaviors & how to make my boundaries clear so I can get my own needs met
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/caring-for-needy-mother-in-law-how-can-i-accept-this-wont-change-456914.htm?orderby=recent
all I can tell you is that you can not change her behavior. YOU MUST GET HER OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. If you don't, she will ruin your family, your marriage, your life and your children's lives. She is like a cancer in your home. Eventually, the cancer will kill the host.
Find her another place to live, senior independent living communities where there are people her age, and plenty of programs to keep her entertained, and plenty of people to talk to and make friends if she so chooses.
As for you question of how you can gracefully curb her attention seeking behavior? Gracefully, NO. You invite more of the same behavior by being graceful.
You can try to bluntly tell her "I need quiet time right now."
You can bluntly tell her "NO, I don't need any help."
"NO, I can't talk right now."
You can tell her to "please stop asking questions."
You can tell her "your questions are giving me a headache."
You can bluntly tell her "please do not interrupt when I am talking." or "please do not talk over me/your son/your grand kids.' then give her the 'look' and hold your gaze until she looks away.
Will she feel uncomfortable with the above comments? I would hope so. That might encourage her to keep away from you or better yet, move out of your house.
My mother has always wanted attention, even if negative. She has pushed away everyone around her. siblings dont call, or visit. One aunt sticks by her and I am not sure as to why. Mom is always throwing the past in her face (and everyone else).
I joined today with hopes of getting advice or just to find support. I dont even know where to begin. :(
She is who she is. You are who you are. You can’t change her. No one has that power. She may be lonely and isn’t an introvert.
You are an introvert and would appreciate your privacy. It’s hard for both of you. Even if two people have compatible personalities it is hard to cohabitate.
When things settle down discuss this with your husband and perhaps you should look for other living arrangements for her.
Other than that, maybe she can find a couple of friends to interact with once or twice a week.
In the meantime, if you don’t want to answer her questions then simply walk away. Where is your husband? Is he interacting with his mom or is it mainly your responsibility to care for her? Ask him to participate with her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
People who are seeking attention constantly are not going to change, they are only going to get worse and worse with age and as dementia either progresses or develops, let's face it. Give her chores to do or projects to work on, I guess, but don't expect the questions to stop............this is apparently part of her personality which generally doesn't change, especially if she doesn't see that a problem EXISTS to begin with. Most of them don't.
Growing up in a house with my grandmother was THE worst childhood ever. All my mother did was fight with her, and the histrionics were unbelievable. I actually kept a notebook for when the 'men in the white coats' came to take my mother away, they'd have a log of behaviors to diagnose her by. That's not to say your situation is even remotely like mine was, or that your children are being subjected to such a stressful environment, but it's something to consider about their lifestyles as well. Everyone suffers when there is discord in the house.
I like Gemswinner's idea to put on a nice pair of HEADPHONES which is your way of saying you're not available for your MIL. But then again, she could wind up tapping you on the arm to ask her questions ANYWAY, who knows? With my mother, she'll make herself known no matter WHAT. She has GOT to be the center of attention at any cost. Fortunately, she lives in Memory Care so she's using her attention getting strategies on others. I only have to deal with her drama on the telephone, which is bad enough, I'm sorry to say.
Is there any way at all that she has enough mind power to get onto a computer? If so, you can set her up with games like solitaire or Facebook or the games offered on Facebook, etc. If she has the ability, she may spend hours and hours each day on the computer getting lost in the maze of stuff to do, and Oh Boy Wouldn't THAT Be Nice? :)
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I listen to books through my audible app, and music or the radio through i tunes; you just need to have bluetooth; super easy to set up. It says to the world, " NOT AVAILABLE", but as I said, you can still hear what you want to hear with them on, but you only need to acknowledge what you want to hear (like the telephone ringing, and your kids; you can even talk on the phone with the headphones in place; weird to get used to, but useful).
I'm sure lots of people have more therapeutic interventions which don't seem so....well, introverted and antisocial, but it might be worth a try!
i do listen to music or watch other things on my phone and half find time she gets the message, the other half speaks right over it
headphones would be a more visual cue
I just thought of something that I saw on a news story once. I think the person needs to be pretty healthy cognitively, but, there was this senior who was very bored during the day. He started calling people on their birthday and sang them Happy Birthday! He did this for years! I think it might have been the people in his church or maybe, in his town, but, lots of people loved it and got calls from him every year singing Happy Birthday. I thought it was a very inspiring story of what one man did to make a difference. He said it kept him very busy.