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Hi all!


I am new to this site. I have left my family home and job to move in with my 97 year old mother who has signs of dementia. I have siblings who live very close to my mother, but they are very busy with their jobs and have already declined the idea of her moving in with them. I live abroad, so it would be impossible to bring her home with me, and the trip alone would take a toll on her, so here I am, months later I'm still here (partially due to Covid and flights getting canceled.) And although I am happy to help, I am really starting to feel lonely and resentful. As my relatives work all week, they are always busy on the weekends, and I'm starting to feel like they are just used to the idea of me being here. I've really become upset when there have been family gatherings which I'm not invited to because someone needs to stay at home with Mom. When I return to my home, she will need to go into care. She has Medicare, which is useless. My siblings are now fretting about the financial implications, and I don't think they have even stopped to think about what I have suffered financially. Also, I am missing my own family! I don't want to leave here being angry with everyone.

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Dear CT1261,

I'm sorry to hear how you feel. We all try to do the right thing and it is hurtful when family members take us for granted or fail to see we also need some care and consideration.

So much good advice already given. I wish I had found this site much earlier in my caregiving journey. I know so many cultures expect the daughter to carry the burden but please you know you have choices.
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You’d be amazed how typical your situation is, and my wise Irish relatives always said “You’ll get your reward in Heaven”. HOW I HATED THAT WHEN THEY SAID IT.

No one who escapes the daunting responsibility of caregiving “stops to think”. They’re typically enjoying their lives or LOOKING for ways to enjoy their lives or complaining about how YOU are caregiving, as long as they’re a safe distance away from having to do the actual work.

If your siblings are “fretting about the financial implications” they are probably realizing that HER ASSETS will need to be spent on HER CARE, thereby reducing THEIR CUTS in the estate.

I doubt that you’ll get to YOUR HOME without making them mad, but isn’t that sort of a small price for you to pay?

Hoping you’ll soon be looking at the many shades of green. My relatives were from Ballyshannon, and I’ve always longed to go there, but too much of my time has been taken up by caregiving.

Have a safe and steady flight!
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You moved in with your mother as a temporary solution to what boils down to a permanent problem: dementia. Your mother cannot live alone anymore and your family members are not obligated to provide her with financial help or with hands-on care, so what's the next logical step here? She goes into managed care like Memory Care Assisted Living, which probably means her house has to be sold to finance her stay there, right? That's your next step to figure out; how to get the finances set up to pay for her monthly care in AL/MC. Don't rely on your family to do anything; I have found my own relatives to be 100% useless, especially when dementia is involved which makes everyone feel 'uncomfortable'. Tell me about it. It makes me feel 'uncomfortable' too but guess what? I have no other choice BUT to deal with it, so I do. My mother has been living in Memory Care since June of 2019 so I manage her entire life from my desktop, visit weekly & speak to her daily, as a rule. Nobody else does a single thing for her, but then again, I'm an only child. You can always ask your siblings what they intend to handle once you move back overseas?

Then go.

The 'financial implications' to your siblings normally means they're worried about their inheritance, which isn't 'theirs' ANYWAY, but your mother's to be used for her care, especially since they want no part in helping her anyway. It has to be done, one way or another, and you've already done what you can, so that's that.

It's up to you if you leave here angry with the family or not. You made the decision to move in to care for your mother out of the goodness of your heart, so try not to feel like the others 'owe' you anything. You volunteered yourself, so they were happy to do nothing while you did everything. That's human nature, unfortunately.

Wishing you the best of luck getting your mother set up for the next chapter of her life.
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Wow. I thought I had a tough situation but I think you beat me on the, what the f... scale. Anyway, don’t have answer but will ponder. One question. Is money an issue? I mean can she/family afford to live in a facility or care home. That’s the problem with my situation. She has nothing.
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I hate to say it, but you made this choice without thinking it through. Your siblings probably did think it through and have decided not to sacrifice their lives for the care of your mom, so you jumped in to save the day. Now you're stuck with no job and no place to really call home, and as far as the siblings are concerned, everything is just peachy.

You can't be taken advantage of without your permission, and you tacitly gave that permission by making a noble but not terribly wise sacrifice to come live with your mom.

Fortunately, you can turn this around by setting a date when you'll return home. Mom goes to a nursing home on HER dime, and if there isn't money, you need to get Medicaid lined up for her.

Medicare isn't worthless -- it just doesn't cover nursing homes and is a different program than Medicaid. Take this time to become an expert on Medicare vs. Medicaid, Medicare supplemental insurance (which I sure hope Mom has), and make plans for her future so you can return to yours. Your siblings can choose to participate or not as they already have with Mom's care. Based on history, expect them to not participate, so be sure Mom's affairs are in order with power of attorney, will, and possibly a trust if she competent to assign these documents.

Set your date of departure and stick to it.
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againx100 Jul 2021
Excellent advice.

You can't be upset with your siblings for not wanting to help. It's a pretty thankless job and requires lots of sacrifice that many are not willing to make. Many of us that jump in with both feet (me!) realize that they made a mistake. Live and learn. Time to untangle this and go back to your life. At the very least, maybe you can put mom in a home for a few weeks for respite care so you can go home and see your family. Then come back and finish getting her affairs in order and move her into a facility permanently and off you go!
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