This might be a long post so sorry in advance.
this has been such a hard month, my mom fell and broke her hip at the end of last month. She wasn’t in good health to begin with. She had to have hip surgery and we tried to get her into rehab for her hip but one of the places turned her down.
she went home to stay with her friend who is a retired nurse, and she ended up falling again and going back to the hospital 2 days later. She re-broke her hip and needed surgery on it again.
the next day she had a massive stroke leaving her left side paralyzed. She is unable to walk and it takes multiple nurses in the hospital to move her. She then caught sepsis and is being treated for that with Antibiotics. She just had another hip surgery a few days ago for a hematoma on her broken hip. She has been though so much.
She has been a smoker for 50 years, she is also an alcoholic and she addicted to opioids. She can’t smoke anymore after her stroke or she will die, she can’t drink either.
With all this I know there is no way she could come live with me. Before this we already had a strange relationship. I have a 2 year old and a 4 month old who need me and I already feel stretched thin. Also my marriage and well being would suffer if she moved in. She physically I can’t move her or help her.
I still feel guilty, like I’m sending her off to a nursing home but there’s no one else to talk care of her and she needs round the clock care. I’m so stressed out and I just don’t know how to stop feeling guilty for things that are not in my control. I’m worried about her going to a nursing home. I am worried they will kick her out since she is an addict.
any advice would be great.
You and your family are lucky that you rightfully realized that you could not possibly take on the care of your mother. You are waaaaay too busy and as I know you know, your priorities have to be your hubby and your babies.
Mom will get the care she needs in the nursing home. She may not like it but her choices and her bad luck have put her in a very bad way that you could not possibly handle at home.
Give yourself permission to put yourself and your family first. Squash that guilt and know that your mom is safe and where she should be. Bringing her to your home would not have been in her best interest.
Understand that you've done the right thing for her care. The sadness you feel for what has happened to her is a different feeling and entirely justified. Just don't confuse sadless and guilt. There is nothing to be guilty about.
she is young but in very poor health before this happened.
She is in this situation because of her own life choices. You are not accountable for those choices.
It's not your fault she is an alcoholic, opiod addict and smoker for 50+ yrs.
It's not your fault she fell and broke her hip.
It's not your fault she fell a 2nd time and re-broke her hip.
It's not your fault she had a resulting stroke and now has paralysis.
It's not your fault she became septic.
It's not your fault she developed a hematoma and required a 2nd surgery.
It's not your fault that she requires way more care than anyone can provide in a home.
None of what happened *to* her is your fault. And, it's definitely not your fault that you are prioritizing your own young family -- as you absolutely should.
Think of your feelings as grief, not guilt. At this point and in your circumstances you can only provide "least bad option" for your Mom, and that is her getting ALL the care and attention she needs in a facility. I hope you are not the one paying for it. Please don't do this. You are robbing from your own kids if you are.
If your Mom gets kicked out because she can't stop using, that's her problem to solve, not yours. Have you considered that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her? Have you ever talked to a therapist about this or about healthy boundaries? You are NOT responsible for her care, recovery or happiness. Please work on boundaries and rejecting guilt. May you receive peace in your heart.
She's where she needs to be. In your heart of hearts you know that. There's NO way you could care for her without hiring a team of outside help to assist you, so just take comfort in the fact that your mom is now safe, will be cared for, and won't be able to drink or abuse any opioids.
And they will best be able to treat her addictions, so she can safely detox from them.
Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. Your husband and children must come first and should be your only priority.
Your mom has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it.